Cougars Everywhere Lose Hope As Demi & Ashton Call It Quits

I guess you can't be approaching 50 and hold on to a younger guy after all. RIP Demi and Ashton, who are officially dunskies. Demi Moore gave this statement today to the Associated Press:

"As a woman, a mother and a wife there are certain values and vows that I hold sacred, and it is in this spirit that I have chosen to move forward with my life. This is a trying time for me and my family, and so I would ask for the same compassion and privacy that you would give to anyone going through a similar situation."

So...she basically said it's because he cheated on her, right? It seems like it. She might as well have said, "As a woman, a mother and a wife, I hate stupid lying cheater-faces." At any rate, Ashton's publicist Ashton posted this to his Twitter:

Boo hoo. The obvious question: what will @mrskutcher change her Twitter handle to? The better question: wouldn't it be funny if Bruce Willis went all John McClane on Ashton's ass?

Woman Drops Paternity Suit Against Justin Bieber, No Longer Claims That He Is The One (The Kid Is Not His Son)

In a shocking turn of events that everyone saw coming, 20-year-old Mariah Yeater has dropped her paternity suit against wee little Justin Bieber. TMZ reported today that Yeater quietly dropped the suit last week after she realized she had no chance in hell at getting a dime out of The Biebs. For starters, Bieber had agreed to take a paternity test and his lawyers were preparing a counter suit. Also, Yeater's ex-boyfriend told everyone that the lawsuit was a scam and Yeater had initially told him that he was the father. Unfortunately, I guess this guy doesn't have like two million hits on YouTube, so she changed her mind. Finally, Yeater's lawyer's have walked away from the whole mess, probably in shame and disgrace.

Mariah Yeater stated that she took Justin Bieber's delicate flower of innocence in a 30-second tryst in a backstage bathroom when she was 19 and he was 16 years old. Justin didn't want to use a condom and also told her he wanted to "fuck the shit out of her," which is probably the stupidest detail she could have fabricated. I mean, who knows? Maybe The Biebs has a dirty mouth. But honestly, I doubt it. The kid bought a Batmobile. He's a dork. Seriously.

But questions still loom! Namely, will a mob of angry Beliebers hunt Yeater down and bludgeon her to death? Fingers crossed! Just kidding. She's a (horrible) mother! Will no one think of the children???

Pitbull Sues Lindsay Lohan For Suing Pitbull For Saying True Things

Here's a little story about Pitbull: he's actually been around for ages. Mr. 305 was born and raised within minutes of my own home and I've been assaulted with his irritating songs since I was young enough to think they were good (read: drunk in college).  However, I've always had a soft spot for the guy, even when he decided that he was Mr. 305 (Miami's area code) and Mr. Worldwide, which geographically makes no sense.

I'm not really all that familiar with Pitbull's song "Give Me Everything," but I assure you, he says "dale" at one point. He also takes a stab at Lindsay Lohan: "Hustlers move aside, so I’m tiptoein' to keep flowin' / I got it locked up like Lindsay Lohan.” Well, Ms. Lilo didn't really appreciate these lyrics and filed a lawsuit against him. In her statement, Lohan said, "...the lyrics, by virtue of its wide appeal, condemnation, excoriation, disparaging or defamatory statements by the defendants about the plaintiff are destined to do irreparable harm to the plaintiff." First of all, she obviously doesn't know what half of those words mean. I bet everything I own that Lindsay Lohan cannot define "excoriation." But that's beside the point - the point is that she actually did go to jail. She was, in fact, locked up!

At first, Mr. Geographically Improbable was nice about it. He apologized. He even offered to take her to the MTV Video Music Awards, where he performed the song (although she didn't accept). But now that Lindsay's been locked up a second time, Pitbull's over it. He's filed a countersuit against Lilo claiming that, ya know, it's not defamatory to state facts. Also, Lohan filed the suit in New York because of the state's civil rights law, which protects people from having their name exploited for commercial gain - but Pitbull points out that she doesn't live in New York. So, let's review: Pitbull a) reads the newspaper and, b) knows what state Los Angeles is in. This is not okay with Lindsay Lohan.

Just for curiosity's sake, let's Wikipedia this bitch:

Defamation is the communication of a statement that makes a claim, expressly stated or implied to be factual, that may give an individual, business, product, group, government, or nation a negative image. This can be also any disparaging statement made by one person about another, which is communicated or published. It is usually a requirement that this claim be false and that the publication is communicated to someone other than the person defamed. [emphasis mine]

Hmm...

My guess is, she'll drop the suit. Wouldn't want to lose all that Playboy cash so soon, would we?

Kim Kardashian & Kris Humphries Are Divorcing: Is Nothing Sacred?!?

It's official: I've lost all faith in love. Kim Kardashian has filed for divorce from her husband Kris Humprhies. For those of you not keeping track, the wedding lasted a whopping 72 days before it tanked. So much for the "Royal Wedding of America," huh?

Kim, who earned $17,900,000 for the wedding, has cited the usual irreconcilable differences, which I suppose means that the check cleared. If you're looking for a statistic that might make you suicidal, that averages at $10,358/hour. Rumors that Kris Humphries was moving boxes sans wedding ring from their place recently surfaced and the couple have been seen together less and less as the weeks passed. I have to say "weeks," because literally they were only together for like 10 weeks. I guess fairy tales don't exist after all! Dramatic sigh! Sniffle!

Kardashian has yet to make an official statement, but I imagine it will go something like, "HAHAHAHA SUCKERS! CHA-CHING!!"



UPDATE: Well, we got the official statements.

Kim: "After careful consideration, I have decided to end my marriage. I hope everyone understands this was not an easy decision. I had hoped this marriage was forever, but sometimes things don't work out as planned. We remain friends and wish each other the best."

Kris: "I love my wife and am devastated to learn she filed for divorce. I'm committed to this marriage and everything this covenant represents. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make it work."

You guys, do you think he found out from TMZ, too? Because that would be really, really sad. She totes divorced him Ryan Murphy style! PS You're fired as my husband, xo KimK!

The Lohans Need To Chill The F*ck Out

Okay, here's the deal: I like to gossip about idiotic celebrities, and Lindsay Lohan (and her extended bunch of fame whoring loser relatives) is one of my favorite topics. However, I work a full time job. Like, an actual job where I go somewhere every day and do stuff and people give me money for it. This is how I am able to live the high life, making minimum payments on my credit card bills and spending $150 more than I meant to at Target. So here's the thing, Lohan clan - until you are willing to pay me full time to blog, I simply cannot keep up with your lives. You are just too fucking crazy, okay? Stop it, seriously. Every day that passes is another fifteen moronic things one of you has done. One girl cannot carry this heavy gossip burden!

That being said, holy shit, how about those Lohans huh? First of all, in between showing up to the morgue for her court-sanctioned community service, Lilo earned a cool million from Playboy to do a full spread - if you know what I mean, and I think you do (I mean she let them take pictures of her vagina). Because naturally, what everyone wants to look at is the naked, emaciated body of a drug addicted dead-people janitor. Sexy! She also apparently took her little face-melting sister Ali along, because there's no better time to bond than when you're spread eagle to pay off your legal fees. Horrible person and sometimes parent Dina said the shoot "went well" because she is a "bad mother." If that's not enough, Fleshlight has reportedly offered Lindsay another effing million to create a Lindsay Lohan custom sex toy. This would require an actual mold of her vajayjay so that people could....ya know. I really don't want to have to explain this. When you're home from work, look it up you perverts.

But wait for it, there's more! Not one to be outdone by his daughter, father of the year Michael Lohan has also been in news this week. On Tuesday, Tampa police arrested Lohan after he beat up his live-in girlfriend Kate Major - for the second time. Earlier this year, he was arrested for the same thing, but the charges were dropped when total dipshit Kate Major took him back. I mean, really? Lohan was released Wednesday on bail under the order to stay the hell away from her. The judges exact words were actually, "If you even dream about it and you violate my order, you will go to jail." This seems pretty clear, but to Michael Lohan this meant, "I think you should repeatedly call Kate Major on the phone and harass her shortly after leaving jail." See, because he's crazy.

Naturally, when Major called the cops, they went back to Lohan's Tampa hotel to arrest him...again. What does he do? Obviously, he jumps off of his fourth floor balcony to escape. Obviously. Because that's gonna work. Spoiler: it didn't. The fucking idiot jumped right into a tree. Right now, he's in a Tampa hospital because he hurt his foot. I guess that's one way to avoid jail, right? Here's a pretty silly video of him being arrested shortly after his swan dive into a tree:

Seriously. A tree.

So, there's your Lohan gossip for now. Give it ten minutes and someone else will be naked and/or in jail.

Jennifer Lopez Is Apparently A Mess

For some unknown reason, Jennifer Lopez has decided to act like a melodramatic high schooler with a broken heart as part of her stage performance. Unfortunately - and predictably - this plan backfired last night when burst into tears on stage and had to run off. Jeez, attention whore much?

During last night's show at the Connecticut Mohegan Sun casino, JLo was in the middle of a poignant acoustic performance of "If You Had My Love," which if you recall is an awful song that includes the lyrics, "I don't want you tryin' to get with me/And I end up unhappy." Obviously, this would make anyone cry, but it surprisingly wasn't shame that brought her to tears. As she sang, dancing couples in spotlight circled her and I shit you not, they were dressed up like JLo and all her exes. No seriously, she did that. Like, on purpose.

According to reports, a P. Diddy lookalike danced with a girl wearing a replica of her infamously low-cut green Versace gown. There was also a Ben Affleck lookalike and a full recreation of her American Idol performance with soon to be ex-hubby Marc Anthony. As bizarre reenactments of all her failed relationships danced around her, Jenny From the Block got all weepy and said to the audience, "What is love?  As the last song I wrote about love...a lot has changed since then."  Soon after, she broke down sobbing and ran off stage. Oooookay, crazypants.

I...don't even know why someone would do that to themselves. I mean, did she think that would make her feel good? Did she think that would produce a really stellar performance? Because in addition to being ridiculously cheesy, it seems a little mean to do to yourself just months after your marriage fails. I'm just sayin'. I think JLo needs to cut this one from her act - it's like one step away from a mascara-streaked karaoke rendition of "I Will Survive" after one too many Pinots, ya know?

It's Hump Day & Lindsay Lohan Is Getting F*cked

I don't even know what to say about Lindsy Lohan anymore. Today, she was taken away from the courts in handcuffs and forced to pay the $100,000 bail. I guess she's still broke though, huh? Before her next Nov 2 hearing, she has to prove to a judge that she is making  a solid effort to fulfil her community service. After being kicked out of a woman's shelter, then the American Red Cross, Lilo has been relegated to cleaning up guts at the county morgue. I think someone has a sadistic streak, and I like 'em! If she doesn't make a significant change in her behavior, odds are they'll find a violation of her parole and she'll be locked up.

Lindsay has to prove that she capable of working to fulfill her community service commitments, despite all her actions to the contrary - like showing up late or not showing up all together. I guess showing up would be a requirement no one told Lindsay about. But now it's like, oh yeah. And you have to do stuff. This is probably a bummer for someone like Lilo, who wanted to chain smoke outside and play Fruit Ninja and wait until it's time leave.

Lindsay also found out today that clinician Dawn Bradley is suing her for damages after a 2010 incident that got violent in the rehab facility when she told Lindsay she wasn't allowed to drink. Bradley was subsequently fired from her job and is seeking more than $1 million in damages. Not a good day for Lindsay overall. But hey, at least she got her teeth fixed.

Rumor Mill: Is Taylor Armstrong Rebounding With Most Eligible Dallas' Matt Nordgren? Really?

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star Taylor Armstrong has been in the news plenty this year for her failing marriage and the subsequent suicide of husband Russell Armstrong. With her emaciated body wasting away each week and endless reports of domestic abuse, Taylor has had a pretty rough time lately. But she seems to be cheering herself up with some Texas lovin' - at least that's what the Internet is saying. And as you know, if it's on the Internet, it must be true.

Dallas society blogger Oh So Cynthia was first to report that Taylor was seen in Dallas getting cozy with Most Eligible Dallas star Matt Nordgren a couple weeks ago. Reps for both Taylor and Matt have squashed these rumors down, saying that Matt was just being nice and welcoming to Taylor as part of the Bravo family. However, reports from onlookers that they were making out soon surfaced and it's said they hired personal security to keep passers by from taking photographs.

Now, this is strange for like, so many reasons. First, the obvious: Taylor's husband hung himself pretty recently. It's still playing out in the press, right? They have a child? Maybe a public reality show romance is not a solid move right now, Taylor. I'm just saying. You deserve to be happy and Russell clearly didn't do that for you, but let's try and use that brain just a little, okay?

Second, there's Matt Nordgren. I'll admit, I didn't watch any of Most Eligible Dallas, but from what I can gather from commericals, the entire season was leading up to Matt and his friend Courtney Kerr finally getting together. And they did! Major kissing and stuff! But on Watch What Happens Live, Courtney and Matt basically said they tried it and it's over now. How anticlimactic! I didn't even watch their burgeoning relationship and I'm disappointed. But now Taylor Armstrong is back in Dallas, on Matt's arm for some swanky charity event. Despite prodding from Andy, Matt denied anything but friendship with Taylor, but Courtney didn't seem too convinced. You can tell she thinks they're hooking up and just won't say anything.

So, is Beverly Hills' Most Damaged finding love with Dallas' Most Indecisive Man? Seems like a recipe for disaster if you ask me. I think Andy needs to organize a crossover event and see how it all goes down. They can bring cows and like, python sunglasses that are made of gold. I hear they make those now, and they're quite expensive.

Let's Talk About Lindsay Lohan's Continuing Inability To Be A Human Being

You really know things aren't going alright when you're rejected from your court-ordered community service job, right? Well, that's exactly what pathetic excuse for a human Lindsay Lohan dealt with this week, amongst other things. It's like a sickness with her, you know? Every time I think she's sunk to the newest low, she proves me wrong. It's kind of impressive, actually. Maybe being pathetic is her goal now? If it is, I take it all back, Lindsay. You're doing great!

I don't know if this is as upsetting as Lindsay's little sister's horribly busted face, but it is pretty bad. I mean, it's not face-melting bad, but it's not good. California judge Stephanie Sautner had ordered Lindsay to carry out 360 hours of community service at the Downtown Women's Shelter in Los Angeles, but even women in distress know they're better off without the influence of a Lohan. She's reportedly been kicked out of the program due to acting exactly like herself, meaning she skipped out early on all her hours and missed a bunch of appointments. I know, I'm shocked, too. Up until now, she's proven herself to be so reliable! How disappointing.

 

But that's only the beginning for Lilo's bad press this week. In a red carpet appearance, she made headlines for, well...looking like a meth head. Seriously, she looks like a fucking extra on Breaking Bad. What is happening? First of all, there's her hand. At first glance, I thought she was all scraped up, which was weird and kind of creepy yet not too surprising if you really think about it (ew). But when you look closely, it's obviously nail polish. Yes, nail polish. I have a lot of things to say about this. First, Lindsay Lohan does her own nails? Seriously? There has got to be someone in LA who will give this bitch a free manicure. Second, if she is doing her own nails, can she not afford nail polish remover and some Q-tips? I mean, it's like $4 total at the CVS, Lindsay. Have your assistant pick some up. And third, how does that even happen? It looks like a preschooler got into mommy's bathroom.  How does a 25-year-old get nail polish on the inside of her palm? I mean, even an intoxicated one, seriously? I just, I don't even know.

And then there's the more troubling and much grosser issue of her teeth. Her teeth? Are not pretty. They are yellow and chipped and generally just kind of icky. I don't know what else to say. They're just icky. I guess it's the drugs, the chain smoking and the binge drinking - but honestly, what I'm really concerned about here is Lindsay's financial situation. Maybe it's time to sell a pair or two of Louboutins so you can get yourself some Crest White Strips, honey.

However, according to Lohan's rep Steve Honig, I have nothing to worry about. In response to Teethgate 2011, he says:

"Lindsay is widely acknowledged as one of the most stunning actresses of her day, and we get requests every week wanting to do photo shoots with her from top photographers...She's been on the cover of Vanity Fair and the top beauty and fashion magazines. She's a beautiful and glamorous actress."

Ohhh, I forgot! Sorry! That's totally my bad. I take it all back, Steve. You're right on target. I obviously have nothing to worry about and have made a big deal out of nothing. Lindsay is a beautiful and glamorous actress and there are no signs of deterioration in her appearance.

Nope. None at all.

Furthermore, Steve wants us to feel bad about ourselves for even talking about it. He says, "With everything going on – from deteriorating public education to rampant homelessness to international unrest – there is no way I’m going to comment on Lindsay’s teeth." Well then! Mr. Honig, you're right. So sorry that we distracted you from your clearly world altering job of speaking on behalf of a has-been child actress turned addict. Good lord! How trivial we are! Steve really stuck it to us, didn't he? My sincerest apologies, Steve, on behalf of the horrible gossip mongering world at large. On your way back from the UN, can you pick Lindsay up some Listerine?

Finally, just in case we weren't properly admonished, Lohan herself hit Twitter today to tell us to back off.

I mean...really? It's kind of hard to feel bad for an irresponsible, drug addicted attention whore who has done nothing in years to improve her increasingly catastrophic life. But I guess people should back off and stuff, right? Obviously. I always make red carpet appearances because I want people to not focus on me. But I guess she has a point. Everyone just needs to go away and let Lindsay OD get her life back. God, people, have you no decency?

...Haha, look at her teeth.

An Open Letter To Tracy Morgan: Please Stop Making Me Hate You

Dear Tracy Morgan,

Here’s the deal. Generally speaking, I think you’re a pretty funny guy. I wasn’t all that impressed with you on Saturday Night Live, but you are actually effing hilarious on 30 Rock. Yes, much of that is due to Tina Fey’s excellent writing, but even good writing can be delivered poorly so I have to give you credit. You’re a funny guy, Tracy Morgan. But you know what’s not funny? Acting like an asshole. That’s not funny. Also not funny? Homophobia. Now, you seem to be confused here, because you think being a homophobic asshole is, in fact, funny. I am here to tell you, no. You are incorrect. No one thinks a homophobic asshole is funny, Tracy Morgan, so stop acting like one.

Last summer, you got into some trouble for your stand-up routine because of this. I’m sure you remember. You said you’d stab your son if he were gay? Ringing any bells? Well, naturally, this didn’t go over well with much of the crowd and members of the audience took to the Internet to blast your hate speech. Because see, that’s hate speech.  If, for instance, I were to make a montage of Anderson Cooper’s “gayest” moments, it’s pretty funny. If I say I think Anderson Cooper is gay and I want to stab him to death because of it? Not funny. See the difference? Right.

Now I know you’re Mr. “If you can take a dick, you can take a joke” and all (Yes, you really said that! I know! I don’t know how you can be so ignorant either!) but come on, dude. Last night, months after it’s finally off everyone’s mind, you appear on Letterman. Dave grills you and you’re very “I’m sorry if I offended anyone,” and all that crap. But then you go on and continue talking. Mistake! When Letterman asked you, “You apologized because you made a mistake, or because people were upset?” the correct response would have just been to say you made a mistake. Because you did.  Even if you don’t like gay people, which you clearly don’t, you made a mistake. I think this is pretty obvious, no? But you replied: “I apologized because people came to the show and paid money and they got upset about it.” Which isn’t quite, “I apologized because people got mad and I still want to stab gays,” but it still comes off poorly.

Also, you can’t say you come from the “old school” of comedy like Richard Pryor and George Carlin just minutes after saying you want to “use the gift God gave you” to “help the world,” okay? You sound like an idiot.

Look, Tracy Morgan. I am trying to like you. I am genuinely looking forward to the next season of 30 Rock. But you are not actually Tracy Jordan, the lovable yet offensively moronic comedian. Liz Lemon can’t stand behind you and clean up your mess. You are Tracy Morgan, actual person. Your words actually come from your brain. So smarten up and stop acting like a homophobic asshole, okay?

And by the way, it’s National Coming Out Day today, so try not to stab anyone.

Best,

Shelly

Wait, Are You Saying Kim Kardashian Lacks Originality?

Well, in what may be a blowing shock to us all, it turns out that Kim Kardashian's jewelry line is actually just a rip off of an actual jewelry line by an actual jewelry designer. I know, strange, right? I personally never would have expected to see someone with the artistic credibility of a Kardashian stoop so low as to steal from another designer. Oh wait, just kidding. They already did that.

It seems that now, Kim Kardashian's own line Belle Noel has been "heavily influenced" by CFDA-award winning jewelry designer Alexis Bittar. Bittar is known for chunky jewelry and statement pieces which have graced the red carpet on the ears, necks and hands of many celebrities - including Kim K herself. But when Bittar spoke with The New York Post's fashion magazine Alexa, he said he will no longer be lending Kim Kardashian any of his work:

"In the reality TV world, there are so many people coming out with lines to capitalize on their TV shows. They are not designers and they are just stealing," says Bittar. "I passed the Dash pop-up store on Broadway, and I saw that Kim's pieces were very similar to mine, and she definitely has been taking note. The tricky thing is that we have sent pieces to Kim in the past to wear, so now I have told my staff we cannot send anything to her. She was definitely influenced by my designs without a doubt."

Ouch. It's one thing for Kim Kardashian to have a hater, but it's another when the designers themselves call her a talentless thief. This may be really bad news for Kim, and not just legally. As someone who makes a good portion of her living selling her own brand name products, but also spends a large portion of her life in loaned designer items, it seems like a bad call to lose the trust of the fashion world, you know? Kardashian reps have deemed any similarities "coincidental," and we believe that as much as we love Lady Gaga's latest single, "Express How You Yourself Were Born This Way On The Borderline Of Glory."

Below you can see for yourself if Kim is a Kopykat. Alexis Bittar's designs are left; Kardashian's right.

Demi Moore & Ashton Kutcher Have A Teenage Breakup On The Internet

You know how you mostly know which friends of yours are having relationship problems, getting divorced, getting engaged, having a child or achieving some great life goal? Through Facebook. I swear, I am just waiting for someone to unexpectedly die and get a Facebook invite to their funeral instead of a call (note to my friends and family: if I die, send a mass text and get the hashtag #shellysdead trending, okay?)

Well, sorry Zuckerberg, but more and more people are choosing to air their dirty laundry via Twitter than Facebook - especially celebrities. My guess is it's because Twitter has a better app. Am I right or am I right? Anyways, it's almost hilarious. No, it's actually hilarious. We can watch in real time as very famous people have very public fights - like Rihanna and Ciara, for instance. Or Chris Brown and everyone. We can see Andy Cohen flirt with Anderson Cooper (please, you know he's hitting that) and we can watch couples break up. And get back together. And then break up again. And so on.

The latest and greatest example of this is none other than my favorite cougar Demi Moore and moron husband Ashton Kutcher. News broke last week that Ashton had (allegedly) cheated on Demi again (allegedly), this time with a 23 year old chick named Sara Leal, who I suppose wants a big fat check made out to that name. Well, it's been a media frenzy ever since. I usually don't follow breakup rumors, because it's mostly boring and not true anyway, but Demi and Ashton are handling it like a couple of tenth graders.

I suppose if they were on Facebook, things would be "complicated," but since we're on Twitter, we've got passive aggressive quotes and song references instead. Last week, Demi pulled out her tattered copy of 101 Appropriate Philosophers to Quote Online During a Breakup and chose Greek philosopher Epictetus, tweeting, "When we are offended at any man's fault, turn to yourself & study your own failings. Then you will forget your anger." Wow. Deep.

But today, shit got real. I'm talking real, people. Both Demi and Ashton stopped following each other on Twitter. An unfollow! That is practically the same thing as setting up a meeting with your lawyers! This is breaking news, you guys. I mean, what will happen next - will Demi delete Ashton from her phone?!?

Well, not to worry, Demi and Ashton fans. They are both now following each other again. PHEW. CLOSE ONE, RIGHT? As you can see, she's only recently added him back. Then again, she added Zooey Deschenal right after, so maybe she was just reading a "Celebs You Must Follow On Twitter" article and got confused. I've attached the image above so you can really get a visual on the gravity of this situation.

Ashton, on the other hand, has chosen to lash out at the public for rumor mongering. I'd like to point out that he is angry here because the public is talking about his personal life. So he's Tweeting about it. On the Internet. To his 7,779,217 followers and the world at large. Because he wants you to stay out of his personal life, okay? Can't you see that? He told you on the Internet that he wants his privacy! God!

Also, I must say. Very original, Mr. Kutcher. I see that wit from Two and a Half Men is already rubbing off on you. Minutes before, he posted his Spotify "now playing" link to let us all know he was listening to Public Enemy's "Don't Believe the Hype," because we are a dead horse and he will beat us!

The couple has made no official comment on their relationship status, though I consider thinly veiled messages on Twitter to be an official statement. Don't you? Mostly, I just really hope they work it out, otherwise Demi is really going to have to change her @mrskutcher Twitter name.

Patti Stanger Should Probably Never Talk Again Ever

Something tells me that Patti Stanger will not be asked back on Andy Cohen's Watch What Happens Live again any time soon.  On last night's special extended episode, the endlessly grating and offensive Millionaire Matchmaker didn't make any friends in the gay community. Her "dating advice" to viewers is always pretty disgusting, but she's really outdone herself this time. Andy Cohen is gay (for the three of you who didn't know that) and he went from exasperated to uncomfortable to visibly bothered throughout the hour.

Let me first get this out: I effing hate Patti Stanger. As an avid Bravo fan, The Millionaire Matchmaker is one of the few shows I can almost never watch. Her voice is like nails on a chalkboard, but it's what she's saying that really makes me cringe. Basically, everything she represents goes against my deepest moral core. The way she treats men and women on her show is appalling and her "tips" are even worse. The only thing I think she has right is don't drink too much on the first date. Otherwise she's basically just shoving gender stereotypes down everyone's throats in an effort to help insecure men meet gold digging women.  She's got so many "rules" it's difficult to keep up, and I haven't, but what I've heard has always been enough for me.

I was kind of happy to have Watch What Happens Live back on air until I saw that Patti was the guest. But still, I watched. And then Patti started talking about gay men. Ugh. According to Ms. Stanger, gay men don't have to worry about monogamy. Why? Well, all gay men cheat, obviously. Obviously, they are a bunch of mindless, hopeless sluts who can't control themselves or their penises or their rampant STDs. So trying for monogamy in a gay relationship is pretty pointless. This is her "advice" to one poor caller on the show. Another guy dials in via Skype and she tells him, “First of all, you're very handsome. I thought you were straight,” and then adds immediately that this should be taken as a compliment. Andy Cohen, aghast, asks why "looking straight" is a compliment, and Patti says some garbage about how he doesn't look "queeny" and "no one wants a queen." Well, it's a good thing she's pointed out that men can look two ways: straight or queeny. How progressive of her. That Patti Stanger, she's a forward thinker. I agree with her, that gays are effeminate whores. Obviously. Duh. I mean, she's an expert on men. She's like a certified matchmaker, guys, and that's totally a real thing and not some idiotic made up career.

Greg Bennett from the Real Housewives of New Jersey, who is my most favorite gay on Bravo (sorry Andy, he beats even you) tweeted this earlier today and he's not kidding. Reactions online to Stanger's remarks were instant, some even demanding they cancel her show on Bravo. Now, that's probably a little extreme, but she isn't doing herself any favors by calling the network's largest market a bunch of commitment-phobic whores who don't look like men. I mean, honestly, Patti. I know you're all about "being real" but sometimes you need to just shut the fuck up, okay?  Sometimes you need to just realize that you're an ignorant anti-feminist big mouth who profits from perpetuating gender biases. Real talk.

But don't worry, gay community! Patti has a wealth of moronic opinions for everyone! You're not alone! For instance, she's told women to "dumb it down" because men only like smart women after they're married - so don't act too intelligent until you've landed him! She's also told curly-haired ladies to straighten their hair, because men want "straight Asian" hair. Yeah, she said that. On last night's show, she dropped the wonderfully enlightened opinion that "Jewish men lie," and also that if a woman can perfect a blow job, she'll never have to worry about losing her man.

So, I'm just gonna put it out there - maybe Patti Stanger's opinions? Are a bunch of fucking garbage. Patti's only proven to me that she's an expert in loud mouth stupidity. But hey, what do I know? I actually tell men I went to college, which is probably why I'm still single. Oops! Tee hee, just kidding. Look how straight and shiny my hair is! It's practically Asian. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go look for a guy with a good job, because as Patti says, "Women dry up downstairs when they have to pay the bills," and I really don't want that to happen. Thank god for Patti, y'all!

James Franco: Why So Serious?

I've mentioned before that I think James Franco should stick to speaking only when the words are written for him. Otherwise, you know...he kind of sounds like a huge douche nozzle. I stand by this...but maybe he can also stop whispering so much?  He's like, constantly doing the Christian-Bale-As-Batman voice, also known as the I'm-Chuck-Bass. Except they do it, I believe, to mask their foreign accents. And because they're sexy. James Franco? I think he just does it to be pretentious.

Vulture has put together a nice little montage of James Franco whispering dramatically to commemorate his return to General Hospital, and I admit it made me laugh. Quietly. You can't get too loud and crazy around this guy, you know? Look at him, with all his degrees and his deep poetry! He's so serious. He clearly has important things on his mind. And he'll tell you about them...softly. Gruffly. With an intense expression.

Freak Bill Macy! And Other Notable Emmy Moments

 

Well, the Primetime Emmy Awards were last night, and you may or may not know that I absolutely live for awards shows. I love them. It's like a sickness. I was a little apprehensive about this year's show, but for the most part I was genuinely pleased. You can Google all the winners and losers if you missed it, but let's go over some of the highlights (and low lights) of the night.

The Good

1. Kyle Chandler finally gets his win for his role as Coach Taylor on Friday Night Lights. This was a long overdue win for the show (which also picked up a well-deserved writing award) and I was thrilled. I mean, hell. He beat Don Draper, Dexter and Nucky Thompson. How badass is that? Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose.
2. No big wins for Glee. Ha! Take that Ryan Murphy. Your second season sucked and everybody knows it.
3. Speaking of Glee, I was very happy that Jane Lynch and not the very grating Sue Sylvester was the host. Jane Lynch? Actually hilarious. Sue Sylvester? Not so much. 
4. Big wins for Modern Family, taking home Best Comedy and both comedic lead actor awards. If you're not watching Modern Family, you are supremely missing out. I'm especially happy for Ty Burrell. Yay Phil!

The Bad

1. No win for Steve Carell? Really? After losing every year, his final season of The Office isn't rewarded? I mean, I know the show isn't as funny as it used to be, but c'mon. He deserves something for it all those years as the hilarious Michael Scott. Lame.
2. Amy Poehler loses to Melissa McCarthy. Are you kidding me? Not only is Parks and Recreation one of the funniest shows on television, but Amy Poehler is phenomenal. Save Melissa McCarthy's awards for the Golden Globes and Bridesmaids, where she actually deserves it.
3. Charlie Sheen. Nothing specific, just Charlie Sheen even being there. No really, that whole thing was awkward and ill conceived. And then later, bringing on Jon Cryer and Ashton Kutcher to crack a Sheen joke? Ugh. Move on, already. Also, why does Ashton Kutcher look like Jesus lately?
4. The really, really, really extra long In Memoriam tribute to people who died, as performed by the Canadian Tenors, who no one has ever heard of in their life. They sang "Hallelujah" and it sounded lovely...all fifteen hours of it.

The Ugly

1. Gwyneth Paltrow's dress. Oh my god, you guys, she looked like a hooker. Not only was it trashy looking, but can someone please talk to Gwyneth about age appropriateness? Darling, you are 38 years old. Why can I see your mid drift? As Wil Wheaton tweeted, it's like she got her AVN dress mixed up with her Emmys dress. Not to mention she effing won for Holly Holiday. Barf.
2. Jon Hamm loses out on Best Actor. Yes, I know I said all that stuff about how much Kyle Chandler deserved it. And he did and I stand by it. This is my list, I'm allowed to be illogical! Because let's be honest - this was the only year that Jon Hamm had a chance at being rewarded for his excellent work as Don Draper. Next year, Bryan Cranston will be up again and everyone knows that Cranston's Walter White is the most well-played character on television. Sorry, Hamm.
3. Jane Lynch and the cast of Jersey Shore do a very long, mostly un-funny spoof about New Jersey. Or something. I don't know, maybe as a two second bit it would have been amusing? But it went on forever and the only time I laughed out loud was when Snooki said she was a "Harvard undergraduate." 

 

But every single thing I've discussed is useless when compared to the actual best moment of the night. Or possibly the best moment in Emmy history? This is of course the Lonely Island medley performance, starring the guys from Lonely Island, Michael Bolton, John Stamos, Ed Helms, Maya Rudolph and more. Ah-mazing. Incidentally, they didn't actually win an Emmy, despite three of their songs being nominated. But this performance stole the night.

Lindsay Lohan Wreaks Havoc On New York Fashion Week

If you know me (do people who don't know me read this blog?) then you might have heard my Lindsay Lohan story. Many years ago - let's just say NSync was still a band - I ran into her at a hotel on South Beach. This was back in the days when she had red hair, color in her cheeks, all her real teeth and a clean criminal record. Sigh, memories. She was, however, on her way to Trash Town. I remember her stumbling into the hotel (it looked like she was fresh from the beach) with then-boyfriend Wilmer Valderama, wearing not much more than hoochie shorts and a see-through wet t-shirt. The lobby of the hotel was packed and there was a massive wait for the elevator. Well, Ms. Lohan took one look at the crowd, stomped her feet and exclaimed - and I quote - "Fuuuuuuu-uuuuuck."  It was a beautiful diva moment. I'll never forget the group of pre-teen girls next to me, whispering furiously, "Lindsay Lohan just said 'fuck'". Hilarious to think that was once scandalous.

So yes, a moderately amusing story. You know what I wish was my Lindsay Lohan story? Anything that has happened at this year's Fashion Week, where she is apparently on a bender of ridiculous behavior. Her first appearance at Fashion Week that really made a scene was when she hustled into the Cynthia Rowley show, shoving her way to the front row accompanied by security and what looked to be a pirate. Seriously, look at him. Is he an actual pirate? According to the Fug Girls, who were covering the event, the crowd initially went a-buzz because everyone thought it was Donatella Versace. It was not. It was a girl in her twenties. Holy cow, guys, she looks bad. Emaciated, straw-like bleached extensions, a crispy leather-skinned tan and this weird wrap thing with itty-bitty orange shorts. I mean, not that she isn't fabulous, but who honestly wants to be mistaken for Donatella freaking Versace? She looks 700 years old, for Christ's sake. The press went so nuts, a man jumped onto the runway (a big no-no!) and then had his camera confiscated.  Leatherface, you cause such a scene!

Then Tuesday night Paper magazine and Nine West were throwing a party and Lindsay - I know, you're shocked - caused a ruckus. A man, who I presume is a photographer, was taking pictures (as they do) and Lilo was not pleased. She started a commotion, yelling at him to "Delete those pictures! Delete them right now!" and then, in a special moment of high class, called someone else in the press a C-U-Next-Tuesday when they dared to brush her shoulder as they walked past. Nice. Nine West's people? Also not pleased.

I feel like I'm on a very unique and possibly crabs-infested game show right now, because wait! There's more!  At last night's V Magazine Black and White Ball, Lindsay and her pirate companion were sitting in an isolated section of the club. Seemingly unprovoked, Lindsay stood up and chucked her drink over the wall, hitting and soaking a waitress.  Lindsay wailed in dismay at her bad aim, "Not you! Him!" and pointed to an unknown man. Later, she trolled around the club, tossing French fries at people, punching an innocent bystander and staying silent to the press. Well honestly, what's she gonna say to them? "Yo, fuck off, I'm wasted"? I mean, really. Then an unnamed woman, who was sitting very close to Lindsay and her swashbuckling buddy, got carried away in a stretcher after she was cut with glass and began to profusely bleed, putting a halt to the whole party. No actual confirmation if Lilo was involved in that but, hey, let's just blame her anyway, okay?

So, clearly, these are better Lindsay Lohan stories than mine. I think it's really clear to us, and to the good state of California,, that she's definitely staying sober and working hard on that community service. See how hard she's trying!? Those judges are just big meanie-faces. Boo on them.

By the way, this post is dedicated to one of my good friends who is having a hard time because her neighbor is, much like Lindsay, a busted up druggie lunatic who loves to make noise at all hours. This dear friend also has her own blog (shameless plug alert!) which, instead of blathering on about useless garbage like some people *cough* she actually posts useful stuff like delicious and healthy recipes. You should check her out. And egg her neighbor's car, if you get the chance.

DC Housewife Michaele Salahi & Husband Tareq Have Gone Their Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)

Did any of you watch the Real Housewives of DC? No? Me either. But I'm sure you all heard about Tareq and Michaele Salahi, the world's most desperate and ridiculous couple? They're the ones who gate-crashed a party at the White House. Then, at the Real Houswives reunion special, they pranced around on Planet Salahi, completely immune to Andy Cohen's questioning about, you know, violating Homeland Security?  And then the RHoDC show actually got cancelled, so Michaele recorded a single entitled "Bump It," which includes the lyrics “I’m so hot and, like, you’re so not.” Right? Them. Good times. I like to think of them as Speidi in 20 years.

Well, just when you thought this couple couldn't possibly get any more pathetic, they so have. Just today, reports that Michaele had been kidnapped hit the press. Tareq was a mess, you guys. He reported her missing to police after not seeing her for more than a day. The big clue? She missed a hair appointment. IMPOSSIBLE. Something must be amiss! Then Tareq gets a weird phone call from Michaele from an unknown number, saying she was on the way to her mother's house. Her mother denied that this was true, stating she hadn't heard from her daughter. Bizarre!

Then it got super weird. Local police start to receive calls from Michaele herself, saying she was having "family issues" and she wouldn't be around for a while. Tareq, convinced that these calls are being made under duress, files a missing persons report. The Internet is a-buzz. Twitter is blowing up with distress messages from Michaele's management. It's all...strange. And then it actually gets stranger.

TMZ has just broken the news that Michaele is just fine. She wasn't kidnapped at all, you guys! She just ran off with former boyfriend and Journey guitarist Neal Schon. This has been confirmed by a Journey rep, who says that she was not abducted - she's happily rocking out in Memphis on the Journey/Foreigner tour. Oh my God, seriously. Seriously. I cannot make this shit up. Best story ever!

Anderson Cooper Goes Topless And No One Complains

I’ll just come right out and say it: I love Anderson Cooper. He’s smart, he’s funny, and he’s actually one hell of a fearless journalist when he wants to be. I even read his memoir, Dispatches from the Edge: A Memoir of War, Disasters, and Survival and it was good! No, really, it was!  I occasionally catch his show on CNN, but I have a hard time with CNN in general since Wolf Blitzer and I broke up*.

But in the past year or so, Anderson (or Da Coops, as I like to call him) has branched out. He’s co-hosted Live with Kelly Ripa and New Year’s Eve with Kathy Griffin, plus he’s made several appearances on Andy Cohen’s Watch What Happens Live. None of these are doing much to quell the gay rumors, but that’s okay. He’s also taken over his official Twitter account, where he charmingly sends pocket-tweets from his Blackberry and he’s prone to giggle fits on live TV. All in all, this has made me and many others an even bigger Anderson Cooper fan.

It makes sense that he’s recently launched his own talk show, aptly called Anderson. This is a great venue for people who love Da Coops, but don’t necessarily want to be bothered with how many women were raped in the riots of Syria, or how many children are starving to death in Somalian hospitals. I mean, how depressing! Ladies just want that silver fox, ya know? Well, the producers know! In the second episode of Anderson, they pander big time when Jersey Shore’s Snooki takes Da Coops to get a spray tan. Obviously, he gets all naked and we get to see his muscles. And even though he once put her on his “Ridiculist,” Snooki seems over it after getting a glimpse. You can watch this shameless ploy for ratings here:

*After years of enjoying Wolf Blitzer and his X-Men-esque name, I had to call it quits after his absurdly obsessive coverage of Michael Jackson’s death. On day three, when he was literally just broadcasting “Thriller” clips from YouTube (complete with morose commentary) I’d had enough. I’m sorry, Wolf. I miss you, but I just can’t take you back.