Let me first get this out: I effing hate Patti Stanger. As an avid Bravo fan, The Millionaire Matchmaker is one of the few shows I can almost never watch. Her voice is like nails on a chalkboard, but it's what she's saying that really makes me cringe. Basically, everything she represents goes against my deepest moral core. The way she treats men and women on her show is appalling and her "tips" are even worse. The only thing I think she has right is don't drink too much on the first date. Otherwise she's basically just shoving gender stereotypes down everyone's throats in an effort to help insecure men meet gold digging women. She's got so many "rules" it's difficult to keep up, and I haven't, but what I've heard has always been enough for me.
I was kind of happy to have Watch What Happens Live back on air until I saw that Patti was the guest. But still, I watched. And then Patti started talking about gay men. Ugh. According to Ms. Stanger, gay men don't have to worry about monogamy. Why? Well, all gay men cheat, obviously. Obviously, they are a bunch of mindless, hopeless sluts who can't control themselves or their penises or their rampant STDs. So trying for monogamy in a gay relationship is pretty pointless. This is her "advice" to one poor caller on the show. Another guy dials in via Skype and she tells him, “First of all, you're very handsome. I thought you were straight,” and then adds immediately that this should be taken as a compliment. Andy Cohen, aghast, asks why "looking straight" is a compliment, and Patti says some garbage about how he doesn't look "queeny" and "no one wants a queen." Well, it's a good thing she's pointed out that men can look two ways: straight or queeny. How progressive of her. That Patti Stanger, she's a forward thinker. I agree with her, that gays are effeminate whores. Obviously. Duh. I mean, she's an expert on men. She's like a certified matchmaker, guys, and that's totally a real thing and not some idiotic made up career.
Greg Bennett from the Real Housewives of New Jersey, who is my most favorite gay on Bravo (sorry Andy, he beats even you) tweeted this earlier today and he's not kidding. Reactions online to Stanger's remarks were instant, some even demanding they cancel her show on Bravo. Now, that's probably a little extreme, but she isn't doing herself any favors by calling the network's largest market a bunch of commitment-phobic whores who don't look like men. I mean, honestly, Patti. I know you're all about "being real" but sometimes you need to just shut the fuck up, okay? Sometimes you need to just realize that you're an ignorant anti-feminist big mouth who profits from perpetuating gender biases. Real talk.
But don't worry, gay community! Patti has a wealth of moronic opinions for everyone! You're not alone! For instance, she's told women to "dumb it down" because men only like smart women after they're married - so don't act too intelligent until you've landed him! She's also told curly-haired ladies to straighten their hair, because men want "straight Asian" hair. Yeah, she said that. On last night's show, she dropped the wonderfully enlightened opinion that "Jewish men lie," and also that if a woman can perfect a blow job, she'll never have to worry about losing her man.
So, I'm just gonna put it out there - maybe Patti Stanger's opinions? Are a bunch of fucking garbage. Patti's only proven to me that she's an expert in loud mouth stupidity. But hey, what do I know? I actually tell men I went to college, which is probably why I'm still single. Oops! Tee hee, just kidding. Look how straight and shiny my hair is! It's practically Asian. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go look for a guy with a good job, because as Patti says, "Women dry up downstairs when they have to pay the bills," and I really don't want that to happen. Thank god for Patti, y'all!