Let's Talk About How Awesome American Horror Story Is

 

Hey guys, do you like scary movies? (Ha ha, see what I did there?) Do you like Connie Britton, aka Mrs. Coach Taylor from the Best Show Ever, Friday Night Lights? Do you like creepy gross awesome stuff? Do you like the idea of multiple gratuitous shots of Dylan McDermott bare ass? Well, American Horror Story might be your new favorite show! Last night marked the sixth episode of the new horror series, created by the same dudes who write Glee. I know, weird right? But you have to remember that before they decided to write a series about a show choir in small town Ohio (with big dreams!), Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk co-wrote Nip/Tuck, and that show? Was fucked up.

Make no mistake - American Horror Story can also be filed under Seriously Fucked Up. If you are a fan of horror, or even just love being spooked and surprised, this show will be right up your alley. If you are a bit of a scary movie sissy, you might want to pass. I am usually pretty picky about my scary movies, but I am hooked on this shiz. The premise is this: Dr. Ben Harmon and his wife Vivien are having some marital problems. Namely, Vivien suffers from a third trimester miscarriage and soon after walks in on Ben screwing one of his students. As if that wasn't bad enough, they have a terrible relationship with their rebellious teenage daughter, Violet. Naturally, they pack up and move in that whole "let's start over" thing, which never works. Unfortunately, they move into a very, very bad house. Without giving too much away, the house has an intense history and the show has fun showing you pieces of it in each episode. Ghosts of the past literally and figuratively plague the home and the Harmons' lives.

Because this is Ryan Murphy, there are plenty of questions and some loose threads. It's also completely over the top. I mean, the first episode features dead babies in jars and a rapist in a rubber gimp suit. Interestingly enough, both become recurring characters. The highlight of the show, though, is their neighbor Constance, who is played by Jessica fucking Lange. Seriously. She is badass. She's the worst woman ever - or a victim? Or maybe she's actually dead? Who knows! Whatever, she's Jessica Lange and she is fabulous. If she doesn't get an Emmy nomination for this show, I'll be very surprised. American Horror Story also features some awesome guest stars like Sarah Paulson, Zach Quinto, Frances Conroy, Denis O'Hare and Eric Stonestreet. For reals.

While the show is heavy on the horror homage and big on the extreme deaths, it's also developed some very rich characters. AHS weaves together scary-movie horror with real-life horror almost seamlessly, and the behavior of the characters is sometimes just as upsetting as the bloody axe murder scene. Themes like abortion, miscarriages, adultery, teenage cutting, high school shootings and mental disability are all laid out harshly, so blunt it's...kind of like an American horror story of its own. I see what you're doing there, Ryan Murphy. Who knew he could be fun, entertaining and kinda deep? Plus, did I mention the babies in the jars?


Awesome pics of the show from here.

Fall TV Wrap-Up (Second Edition): What Rules & What Sucks

A couple of weeks have gone by since my initial post on the new season of television and naturally I have more to say. I know, exciting right? So here are Shelly's super updated hits and misses for the fall TV season...

Show I like the most: The New Girl

Right now, my fave is Zooey Deschanel's breakout hit The New Girl. Yes, I know they are playing it up a little too much. I feel almost irritated at myself for hyping it. OMG! Look! Jess, she is so quirky and unique! She doesn't understand what a treasure she really is! Isn't she adorable!? etc. But man, she is likable. Damn you, show. Despite the loss of Damon Wayans, Jr, the cast is solid and they have excellent chemistry. I think over time, Jess could potentially be the girl on television to watch. Even when you're being manipulated by pop culture references or the show gets caught up in romantic comedy tropes, you don't care. Because Zooey as Jess makes you smile. And sometimes I want to smile when I watch TV, you know?  

Show I thought I'd love but I don't: 2 Broke Girls

One liner, one liner, one liner, snarky comment about boobs. Laugh track. One liner, one liner, offensive ethnic joke. Laugh track. One liner, poop joke, one liner about sex to offset the poop joke, one liner. Laugh track. One liner again. WHAT IS HAPPENING?  2 Broke Girls is what's happening. And all the Kat Denningses in the world cannot get me to stick with this show if it remains more interested in an onslaught of zingers than actual plot. It's not even the laugh track that bugs me. It's the inability to write any realistic dialogue. Note to the creators: every line doesn't need to be "funny," okay? Let's do crazy thing where we try for relatable characters? We understand that Max had it rough. We don't need an accidental pregnancy joke every five minutes to remind us that she's "trashy" compared to Caroline. How about characters who occasionally respond to each other without referencing a childhood trauma and then making a self deprecating joke out of it? It happens. Really, it does. It's easier to stomach that way. And this is from a girl who adores Kat Dennings.

Show I thought I'd hate but I don't: Revenge

Remember when I said that this show wasn't actually very good? Well, I still stand by that. What I didn't realize was how utterly enjoyable it is. Oh man, this is some fun to watch. Revenge reminds me of the heyday of Melrose Place (the first one, not that atrocious reboot) where Heather Locklear and Marcia Cross were wicked, slightly insane and completely fabulous. Emily Vancamp still sucks, don't get me wrong. She's definitely vapid as all get out. But it's all so...delicious. I know that's a gross word, but I can't think of a better way to describe it. Murder, betrayal, sex, political scandals, terrorist plots, more murder, more sex...oh, the fun! Plus, Madeline Stowe really brings the cheese. She delivers every line like she's in a Dynasty parody. It's truly amazing. If you're looking for the television equivalent of beach reading, you've found it in Revenge.

Biggest surprise: Suburgatory

I didn't really have a lot of expectations for Suburgatory and watched it more on a whim. I have since been pleasantly surprised. While Jane Levy in the lead role of Tessa is pushing the sarcastic but vulnerable Emma Stone chick thing a little too hard, she's generally delightful as the teen forced from the city to the 'burbs for a "better life". Even more delightful is the extended cast, which includes Ana Gasteyer, Alan Tudyk, Allie Grant (Isabelle Hodes from Weeds, who is just hilarious and I love) and Rex Lee, better known as Ari Gold's assistant Lloyd on Entourage. This show actually makes me laugh out loud (I spelled it out, so you know I really mean it) and pushes the whole Stepford vs. City thing just far enough to be a great parody without coming off too desperate for laughs. Yes, I'm still looking at you, 2 Broke Girls.

More shows I like: 
Parenthood - The most underrated show on television, hands down.
Up All Night - Still loving this! Will Arnett can basically do no wrong in my book.
Happy Endings  - Think Friends meets 2011 with a lot more hipster jokes.
Ringer - Still adore Buffy, cannot help it, no matter how silly this show is.
American Horror Story - Maybe too soon to tell, but I liked the pilot. Do not watch if you scare easy or cannot handle gross shit like baby heads in jars. No, seriously.
Heart Of Dixie - Only watchable if you're a Rachel Bilson fan. Otherwise this show will annoy the shit out of you.

You can probably skip:
Whitney - Horrid, horrid, horrid. Utterly awful writing. Was wrong to give this a chance. Stab yourself instead, it'll be more fun.
The X Factor - Not horrible in terms of reality competitions, but life-suckingly long and overblown.
Pan Am - I didn't think it was possible to dislike Christina Ricci, but hey it is!
Mad Fashion - Sorry Chris March, but your show is kind of stupid.

An Open Letter To Tracy Morgan: Please Stop Making Me Hate You

Dear Tracy Morgan,

Here’s the deal. Generally speaking, I think you’re a pretty funny guy. I wasn’t all that impressed with you on Saturday Night Live, but you are actually effing hilarious on 30 Rock. Yes, much of that is due to Tina Fey’s excellent writing, but even good writing can be delivered poorly so I have to give you credit. You’re a funny guy, Tracy Morgan. But you know what’s not funny? Acting like an asshole. That’s not funny. Also not funny? Homophobia. Now, you seem to be confused here, because you think being a homophobic asshole is, in fact, funny. I am here to tell you, no. You are incorrect. No one thinks a homophobic asshole is funny, Tracy Morgan, so stop acting like one.

Last summer, you got into some trouble for your stand-up routine because of this. I’m sure you remember. You said you’d stab your son if he were gay? Ringing any bells? Well, naturally, this didn’t go over well with much of the crowd and members of the audience took to the Internet to blast your hate speech. Because see, that’s hate speech.  If, for instance, I were to make a montage of Anderson Cooper’s “gayest” moments, it’s pretty funny. If I say I think Anderson Cooper is gay and I want to stab him to death because of it? Not funny. See the difference? Right.

Now I know you’re Mr. “If you can take a dick, you can take a joke” and all (Yes, you really said that! I know! I don’t know how you can be so ignorant either!) but come on, dude. Last night, months after it’s finally off everyone’s mind, you appear on Letterman. Dave grills you and you’re very “I’m sorry if I offended anyone,” and all that crap. But then you go on and continue talking. Mistake! When Letterman asked you, “You apologized because you made a mistake, or because people were upset?” the correct response would have just been to say you made a mistake. Because you did.  Even if you don’t like gay people, which you clearly don’t, you made a mistake. I think this is pretty obvious, no? But you replied: “I apologized because people came to the show and paid money and they got upset about it.” Which isn’t quite, “I apologized because people got mad and I still want to stab gays,” but it still comes off poorly.

Also, you can’t say you come from the “old school” of comedy like Richard Pryor and George Carlin just minutes after saying you want to “use the gift God gave you” to “help the world,” okay? You sound like an idiot.

Look, Tracy Morgan. I am trying to like you. I am genuinely looking forward to the next season of 30 Rock. But you are not actually Tracy Jordan, the lovable yet offensively moronic comedian. Liz Lemon can’t stand behind you and clean up your mess. You are Tracy Morgan, actual person. Your words actually come from your brain. So smarten up and stop acting like a homophobic asshole, okay?

And by the way, it’s National Coming Out Day today, so try not to stab anyone.

Best,

Shelly

Let's Celebrate Banned Books Week By Reading Something Awesome

We all know to read The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn and The Catcher in the Rye, but new books are being published all the time that are banned. Book banning? Is fucking lame. In a world where we make icons of Jersey Shore stars and plaster teen moms on magazine covers, we're banning books? Seriously? I highly encourage you to take a look at the list of recently banned books and the overall banned book database and read a few, if you haven't already. I mean, The Great Gatsby? Really? You've got to be kidding me.

One to really look out for this year is Suzanne Collins' enthralling Hunger Games trilogy, which I lost sleep over for nearly three days. My best friend was in surgery and I didn't go to the hospital until I finished reading it. Seriously. It's that good. Amazon is having a sale where you can download the entire trilogy for less than $20 to your Kindle and Nook is offering the same deal. Or, just go buy them. They're worth having and they are definitely worth a read. I cannot wait for the movie and I hope it does a fraction of the justice these incredible books deserve. And for all you snobs out there who refuse to read YA books? Get over yourself. Young Adult novels are the basis for more than half of our popular movies and television shows right now, so maybe give it a chance. It's better than the Da Vinci Code, that's for effing sure. I tried to read that drivel no less than three times before I gave up. And once, I was on a train from Scotland to England, where shit is really boring. It still couldn't hold my attention. Whereas the Hunger Games had to be pried from my cold, dead hands if I didn't finish.

I think that's enough of an endorsement. If you haven't read them yet, do so. You're missing out. And besides, most banned things are awesome, right? That's why they are banned. They are interesting. They are provocative and push boundaries. And they are pretty fucking great. So, read, people. And then pass this along.

New Fall TV: What To Watch And What Basically Sucks, By Shelly

You guys may have caught on by now, but I'm a bit of a TV junkie. If you could hook up a television IV straight into my veins, I would probably take it - although my first preference would obviously be a coffee IV. Or maybe a coffee IV in one arm, and a television IV in the other so I can always stay awake to watch the TV...hmmm...

But anyways, it's pilot season! Woo! Metaphorical confetti!  So far there are a handful of new shows that have piqued my interest. I've checked 'em out and been (mostly) pleased, although there are definitely a few clunkers.

The Lying Game / grade: D
I've already discussed my disappointment with this show, mostly because I am such a fan of the books. Other than there being two identical twin sisters? Literally, you guys nothing is the same. It's an entirely different story. Entirely. I don't even know why they bothered to pay Sara Shepard for the rights to her series, considering nothing about it is pulled from the books. But still, I thought, maybe it will be good on its own. After all, the Gossip Girls book series is horrid and the show is pretty entertaining. Wrong! The Lying Game still sucks.  Cheesy, over-acted, unrealistic melodrama that isn't even all that interesting. Trust me, just read the books.

2 Broke Girls / grade: B-
I adore Kat Dennings. I could watch her in just about anything. Luckily, 2 Broke Girls isn't just anything. It's actually pretty funny! It's quirky, it's witty and yeah sometimes it's trying too hard with the snarky one-liners. But I'll forgive that in a pilot. Pilots are almost always awful, you know? They can't all be Lost.  I remember one time I showed my roommate the first episode of Bones, hoping to get her into the show and realized in horror...the Bones pilot is embarrassingly bad. I mean pitifully bad!  She looked at me like, you have to be effing kidding me. Whoops. My point is, pilots can try too hard sometimes. But Kat Dennings is sharp and Beth Behrs as her broke counterpart shows promise. I'm definitely giving this one a chance. 

Whitney / grade: C-
Considering this show's star and creator are Whitney Cummings, who has been featured on Punk'd and Chelsea Lately - not to mention she is co-creator of 2 Broke Girls - I expected this show to be kind of, ya know. Hilarious. And parts of it are! It's just...ugh. I have no idea why, but they've chosen to shoot this show old-school style, with a multi-camera format and a live studio audience. You guys, it's so distracting and cheesy. 2 Broke Girls also has a studio audience (or a laugh track, I'm not sure) and they are always annoying, but for some reason on Whitney I found it to be horribly overused. It's like 30 straight minutes of line delivery/pause/laughter/funny expression. And I don't know why! Because the writing? The actual written jokes? They're good. Laugh out loud funny, even.  But unfortunately, the format of the show really detracts from that.

Revenge / grade: C+
I just read that this show is based loosely on the Alexandre Dumas novel The Count of Monte Cristo, which is kind of interesting. I suppose that makes sense, considering it's about a girl who comes back to her home town to get revenge on everyone who destroyed her life. I am assuming there will be fewer sword fights, but who knows? Anyway, this show is not very good, in terms of actual good television. Like, the acting is mostly shit and it's super draaaaaaah-mah, but that doesn't mean I didn't like it. I am filing Revenge under the "possible guilty pleasure" category. The good news is the plot is quite intriguing. The bad news is that Emily Vancamp still cannot act worth shit. Her vapid, empty eyes, you guys. My God, why is she in the lead role? But if you can tolerate Blake Lively's dead-inside line delivery on Gossip Girl, then Revenge might be something new and fun for you to get addicted to.

Ringer / grade: A-
I admit, I am biased. I am a Buffy the Vampire Slayer super fan. I have the really fancy DVD box set. I do a full seven-season re-watch almost every year. Even season four, when it was really, really bad. Yes, I know, I am a huge fucking dork. Whatever. This show has Buffy! I mean Sarah Michelle Gellar, playing two sisters who both have a lot of secrets. So far, it's pretty interesting (though surprisingly low budget) and I am terribly excited to see where it's going. I love SMG, you guys. I just do.  I also love shows with lots of secrets and slowly unfolding plot lines and this one seems to be right up there with Pretty Little Liars. A good mystery needs a slow burn and this one just might give it (plus, it's Buffy, you guys).

Up All Night/ grade: B+
Will Arnett, Christina Applegate and Maya Rudolph? Oh, hell yeah. This show's plot is pretty trite - new parents adjusting to having to become responsible adults and finally leave their carefree 20s behind them - but because it's edgy and well written, it works. Will Arnett, who is usually so over the top, is much more toned down in this role and that's a good thing. Gob Bluth would not work on this show (but oh, Arrested Development, how I miss thee! It's an illusion, Michael!). The real star is Maya Rudolph, playing an Oprah-esque character and she is fucking hysterical. I read that after the success of Bridesmaids, they amped up her character's role and that was an excellent idea. Chica is fun-ny! This one is a definite to check out.

The New Girl / grade: A
I really want to hate Zooey Deschanel. I really do. She's smart, beautiful, funny, a great actor in both dramatic and comedic roles, she is in a rock band, she co-runs Hello Giggles (one of my favorite websites) and she's married to Ben fucking Gibbard for Christ's sake. All girls should hate her, right? But she's just so. Damn. Adorable. I can't help it! I love her! I shall shout it from the rooftops, I love me some Zooey Deschanel! The New Girl is clever, full of pop culture references and little quirks that are aimed right at late 20s/early 30-somethings. It's hip, it's fun and I barely stopped laughing the entire time. Her male co-stars are pretty hilarious too - especially Damon Wayans, Jr. (who is also on Happy Endings, which you should all be watching!).  So fine, Zooey Deschanel. I love you and I love The New Girl. Are you happy? Of course you are. You're Zooey Deschanel.

Freak Bill Macy! And Other Notable Emmy Moments

 

Well, the Primetime Emmy Awards were last night, and you may or may not know that I absolutely live for awards shows. I love them. It's like a sickness. I was a little apprehensive about this year's show, but for the most part I was genuinely pleased. You can Google all the winners and losers if you missed it, but let's go over some of the highlights (and low lights) of the night.

The Good

1. Kyle Chandler finally gets his win for his role as Coach Taylor on Friday Night Lights. This was a long overdue win for the show (which also picked up a well-deserved writing award) and I was thrilled. I mean, hell. He beat Don Draper, Dexter and Nucky Thompson. How badass is that? Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose.
2. No big wins for Glee. Ha! Take that Ryan Murphy. Your second season sucked and everybody knows it.
3. Speaking of Glee, I was very happy that Jane Lynch and not the very grating Sue Sylvester was the host. Jane Lynch? Actually hilarious. Sue Sylvester? Not so much. 
4. Big wins for Modern Family, taking home Best Comedy and both comedic lead actor awards. If you're not watching Modern Family, you are supremely missing out. I'm especially happy for Ty Burrell. Yay Phil!

The Bad

1. No win for Steve Carell? Really? After losing every year, his final season of The Office isn't rewarded? I mean, I know the show isn't as funny as it used to be, but c'mon. He deserves something for it all those years as the hilarious Michael Scott. Lame.
2. Amy Poehler loses to Melissa McCarthy. Are you kidding me? Not only is Parks and Recreation one of the funniest shows on television, but Amy Poehler is phenomenal. Save Melissa McCarthy's awards for the Golden Globes and Bridesmaids, where she actually deserves it.
3. Charlie Sheen. Nothing specific, just Charlie Sheen even being there. No really, that whole thing was awkward and ill conceived. And then later, bringing on Jon Cryer and Ashton Kutcher to crack a Sheen joke? Ugh. Move on, already. Also, why does Ashton Kutcher look like Jesus lately?
4. The really, really, really extra long In Memoriam tribute to people who died, as performed by the Canadian Tenors, who no one has ever heard of in their life. They sang "Hallelujah" and it sounded lovely...all fifteen hours of it.

The Ugly

1. Gwyneth Paltrow's dress. Oh my god, you guys, she looked like a hooker. Not only was it trashy looking, but can someone please talk to Gwyneth about age appropriateness? Darling, you are 38 years old. Why can I see your mid drift? As Wil Wheaton tweeted, it's like she got her AVN dress mixed up with her Emmys dress. Not to mention she effing won for Holly Holiday. Barf.
2. Jon Hamm loses out on Best Actor. Yes, I know I said all that stuff about how much Kyle Chandler deserved it. And he did and I stand by it. This is my list, I'm allowed to be illogical! Because let's be honest - this was the only year that Jon Hamm had a chance at being rewarded for his excellent work as Don Draper. Next year, Bryan Cranston will be up again and everyone knows that Cranston's Walter White is the most well-played character on television. Sorry, Hamm.
3. Jane Lynch and the cast of Jersey Shore do a very long, mostly un-funny spoof about New Jersey. Or something. I don't know, maybe as a two second bit it would have been amusing? But it went on forever and the only time I laughed out loud was when Snooki said she was a "Harvard undergraduate." 

 

But every single thing I've discussed is useless when compared to the actual best moment of the night. Or possibly the best moment in Emmy history? This is of course the Lonely Island medley performance, starring the guys from Lonely Island, Michael Bolton, John Stamos, Ed Helms, Maya Rudolph and more. Ah-mazing. Incidentally, they didn't actually win an Emmy, despite three of their songs being nominated. But this performance stole the night.

Is Gwyneth Paltrow A 9/11 Hero? (The Answer Is No)

Gwyneth Paltrow is a lot of things. She’s the wife of Chris Martin of Coldplay, the mother of the unfortunately named Apple and Moses, an Academy Award winning actress, a sometimes guest star on Glee who butchers Adele songs, a wannabe rapper, a hanger-on of Jay-Z, and the founder of GOOP, a pretentious and disconnected lifestyle and wellness site made for people who could never possibly relate to Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle. That’s a lot of things. But how about a 9/11 hero?

This weekend marks the tenth anniversary of the September 11 tragedy, where a great many Americans lost their lives, or the lives of their beloved family members either in the attacks themselves, or by bravely giving their own lives to save another. So, obviously, what better way to besmirch the names of our fallen heroes than give Gwyneth Paltrow some utterly superfluous accolades for doing absolutely nothing? I can think of no better way.

Let’s revisit that historic day, when random jaywalker Lara Lundstrom Clarke was crossing the street in downtown Manhattan. As she crosses, she spots someone in a Mercedes SUV – wait! Who’s that?! Oh my God, it’s Gwyneth Paltrow!  Lara, stunned to see such glory, pauses for a long moment and is nearly hit by Paltrow’s vehicle. There’s an awkward stand-off before she finally crosses, the fateful encounter coming to an end. But it takes long enough for Lara to miss her train to work at the World Trade Center, thus keeping her alive through the attacks.

So overtaken by emotion at this Sliding Doors-esque moment, Lara recently wrote Paltrow a letter, to commemorate their special moment and give Paltrow thanks for being her Mercedes-clad savior. And Paltrow? Well, upon reading the letter, she got chills.  But the question remains - how did Paltrow accomplish this lifesaving feat of heroism?

Paltrow responded to this question with the gravity it deserves: "Basically, what happened was I had gone to a yoga class very early,” she explained while promoting her new movie Contagion at the Venice Film Festival.

She went early to yoga class. Wow. Just…wow. I have chills, too, just thinking about it. Let's take pause and ponder the significance here. If G-Patz (that's her rap name) had not wanted to get those stretches in early, well...I can't even go on. I'm too emotional.

Naturally, this incredible occurrence is now being covered heavily by the press, and rightly so. After a full decade going by without this knowledge, the American public needs to know just how special our yoga-loving freedom fighter is. So this weekend, as a nation remembers what we’ve endured over the last decade as a result of the 9/11 attacks - the innocent victims of the attacks, the public servants who sacrificed their own lives to save another, the American soldiers we've lost in a decade of resulting war - take a moment to also thank God for Gwyneth Paltrow, a true American hero.

You Excited About The VMAs? No? Me Either

I am 31, which is not exactly old, but I am old to the current MTV generation. So let me explain a few things to any youngsters who might be reading this: MTV used to play music. Not just sometimes. Not just on certain shows, or on TRL every evening. But like, all the time. There would occasionally be a countdown, or a specialized show based on rock, rap (back in the day when no one said "hip hop" it was called "rap," kids) and pop music. They had a couple of dance shows, not unlike American Bandstand. What's that? Oh shut up, Google it.  Then The Real World came along. MTV started original programming. Beavis and Butthead, Daria, etc. But you know what? They still played music. It was, however, the beginning of the end.

We live in a very different world now. People still make music videos, but they are typically only posted online at the band/musician's official website and/or YouTube page. They are rarely, if ever, played on MTV. Networks like Fuse and VH1 have taken the same route - more original programming, almost no videos.

The thing is, excellent videos are still being made. I've seen some stellar ones from Florence + the Machine, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Ok Go and My Chemical Romance. Not to be too genre-biased, I'll also say I've seen great videos from Kanye West, the Black Eyed Peas (look, they blow, but their videos are interesting and fun) and Nicki Minaj.  I thought that the videos for Rise Against's "Make it Stop (September's Children)" and Eminem and Rihanna's "Love the Way You Lie" were very powerful. So this is not to say an awards show isn't still necessary. People are working on videos and they should be given credit for them, right?

But then you look at the VMAs and you realize what a joke they actually are. The pre-show lasts forever. There are no longer interesting interviews or featured performances, just red-carpet blurbs and snippets of live performances. Seriously, they never show the full performance anymore. What the fuck is up with that? Why wouldn't we want to hear the entire song? God.

Anyway, then you have the host. Except, well, not this year. Apparently, after the so-so reactions to Russell Brand and Chelsea Handler, MTV execs wanted someone really great. But then no one wanted the gig.  Executive producer Amy Doyle told Billboard, "It's going down to the wire. Hosting is such a unique element...We feel we got it right by putting new talent on the stage like Chelsea [Handler] and Russell [Brand]. We're really challenging ourselves to find the right person so that the show feels complete."  But now it's the day of the show and it looks like the biggest challenge was finding someone, anyone, willing to do it.  Because they didn't.

It's a bold move, having no host. Then again, I'm glad to move away from this trend of awkwardly uncomfortable insults from awards show hosts - I'm looking at you, Ricky Gervais.   But I've found in recent years, the VMAs are such a flash-flash-flash of stimulation with their lights and multi-camera angles and live cams and DJ booths and interview booths and weird stage stunts, like...what the hell is going on? I feel like I have epilepsy. Don't we need someone to control the chaos? Or at least make sure things stay on track? I enjoy the unplanned mishap or the drop of F-bombs missed by the censors as much as the next guy, but Jesus. This show has become a hot mess.

And then we have the actual awards.  You can see the full list of atrocities here, but let me sum it up for you: Katy Perry. Katy Perry leads the nominations with nine. There are only a little more than a dozen total and several are male-specific or require you to be a new artist. Basically, according to MTV, Katy Perry was the only thing worthwhile that happened this year.

So let's talk about Katy Perry. She came onto the scene, all pin-up sexy with her doe eyes and red lips. Yes, she's hot. Her singing? Meh. Her songs? Catchy. but also fucking horrible. Her debut single told us all about how she makes out with girls because it turns boys on, even though it's "not what good girls do", so thanks for that completely homophobic pile of garbage. Then she sang something about fireworks, which I believe 50 percent of the chorus consists of the words "Uh uh uh".  And her latest, "Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)" details  how totally super awesome it is to get blackout wasted, break laws, get in fights and have potentially unprotected group sex with strangers. As she says, "It’s a blacked-out blur but I’m pretty sure it ruled." And next weekend? Well, naturally they'll "do it all again." Fantastic message to your 12-25 year old female demographic, Katy Petty. Fucking fantastic.  I've heard interviews with her and she doesn't actually seem like an idiot or a bimbo, so I don't know why she wastes her notoriety on the most horrible messages ever to young women. Hey, young women? Katy Perry's songs tell you to be a whore. FYI, being a whore is less fun when you lose the catchy beat and just start itching.

Don't even get me started about Chris Brown's nominations. I know his songs are not actually about abusing women, so I can't judge him the same way I do Katy Perry. I am trying to be objective, here. The music is not the person, etc. But man, I really don't want that dickhole to win anything.  Ever.

I know I sound like an old fuddy duddy. But you know what? Oh well. These are not the best of the best.  Sure, there are some decent nominations in there. I am glad to see young, talented bands like Foster The People, Mumford and Sons, Manchester Orchestra and Cage the Elephant get some credit. I do happen to think that Nicki Minaj, Cee Lo Green, Britney Spears, Kanye West and Pink have some good videos - although Kanye's true best video of the year is the uncut version of  "Monster," which everyone has deemed too offensive to play. But let's be honest - this is a pop/hip hip biased ceremony and Katy Perry and her boobies will take home most of the wins.

If you're curious, nominations for Video of the Year are:
1. Adele - "Rolling in the Deep"
2. Tyler, The Creator - "Yonkers"
3. Katy Perry - "Firework"
4. Beastie Boys - "Make Some Noise"
5. Bruno Mars - "Grenade"

In my opinion, two good things will/might happen on tonight's show: first, I am looking forward to the Young The Giant performance. They are really effing good, if you haven't heard them before. And second, maybe - just maybe - we will get a Beastie Boys upset win for Video of the Year. Because have you seen that shit?  Oh my god, it's amazing. Let's watch and fondly remember the days (or mourn that you missed the days) when innovators like the Beastie Boys ruled the MTV airwaves.  Or we could just get wasted and hook up, then sing about it. I'll choose the first, but it looks like I'm outvoted.