Let's Talk About Lindsay Lohan's Continuing Inability To Be A Human Being

You really know things aren't going alright when you're rejected from your court-ordered community service job, right? Well, that's exactly what pathetic excuse for a human Lindsay Lohan dealt with this week, amongst other things. It's like a sickness with her, you know? Every time I think she's sunk to the newest low, she proves me wrong. It's kind of impressive, actually. Maybe being pathetic is her goal now? If it is, I take it all back, Lindsay. You're doing great!

I don't know if this is as upsetting as Lindsay's little sister's horribly busted face, but it is pretty bad. I mean, it's not face-melting bad, but it's not good. California judge Stephanie Sautner had ordered Lindsay to carry out 360 hours of community service at the Downtown Women's Shelter in Los Angeles, but even women in distress know they're better off without the influence of a Lohan. She's reportedly been kicked out of the program due to acting exactly like herself, meaning she skipped out early on all her hours and missed a bunch of appointments. I know, I'm shocked, too. Up until now, she's proven herself to be so reliable! How disappointing.

 

But that's only the beginning for Lilo's bad press this week. In a red carpet appearance, she made headlines for, well...looking like a meth head. Seriously, she looks like a fucking extra on Breaking Bad. What is happening? First of all, there's her hand. At first glance, I thought she was all scraped up, which was weird and kind of creepy yet not too surprising if you really think about it (ew). But when you look closely, it's obviously nail polish. Yes, nail polish. I have a lot of things to say about this. First, Lindsay Lohan does her own nails? Seriously? There has got to be someone in LA who will give this bitch a free manicure. Second, if she is doing her own nails, can she not afford nail polish remover and some Q-tips? I mean, it's like $4 total at the CVS, Lindsay. Have your assistant pick some up. And third, how does that even happen? It looks like a preschooler got into mommy's bathroom.  How does a 25-year-old get nail polish on the inside of her palm? I mean, even an intoxicated one, seriously? I just, I don't even know.

And then there's the more troubling and much grosser issue of her teeth. Her teeth? Are not pretty. They are yellow and chipped and generally just kind of icky. I don't know what else to say. They're just icky. I guess it's the drugs, the chain smoking and the binge drinking - but honestly, what I'm really concerned about here is Lindsay's financial situation. Maybe it's time to sell a pair or two of Louboutins so you can get yourself some Crest White Strips, honey.

However, according to Lohan's rep Steve Honig, I have nothing to worry about. In response to Teethgate 2011, he says:

"Lindsay is widely acknowledged as one of the most stunning actresses of her day, and we get requests every week wanting to do photo shoots with her from top photographers...She's been on the cover of Vanity Fair and the top beauty and fashion magazines. She's a beautiful and glamorous actress."

Ohhh, I forgot! Sorry! That's totally my bad. I take it all back, Steve. You're right on target. I obviously have nothing to worry about and have made a big deal out of nothing. Lindsay is a beautiful and glamorous actress and there are no signs of deterioration in her appearance.

Nope. None at all.

Furthermore, Steve wants us to feel bad about ourselves for even talking about it. He says, "With everything going on – from deteriorating public education to rampant homelessness to international unrest – there is no way I’m going to comment on Lindsay’s teeth." Well then! Mr. Honig, you're right. So sorry that we distracted you from your clearly world altering job of speaking on behalf of a has-been child actress turned addict. Good lord! How trivial we are! Steve really stuck it to us, didn't he? My sincerest apologies, Steve, on behalf of the horrible gossip mongering world at large. On your way back from the UN, can you pick Lindsay up some Listerine?

Finally, just in case we weren't properly admonished, Lohan herself hit Twitter today to tell us to back off.

I mean...really? It's kind of hard to feel bad for an irresponsible, drug addicted attention whore who has done nothing in years to improve her increasingly catastrophic life. But I guess people should back off and stuff, right? Obviously. I always make red carpet appearances because I want people to not focus on me. But I guess she has a point. Everyone just needs to go away and let Lindsay OD get her life back. God, people, have you no decency?

...Haha, look at her teeth.