In a shocking turn of events that everyone saw coming, 20-year-old Mariah Yeater has dropped her paternity suit against wee little Justin Bieber. TMZ reported today that Yeater quietly dropped the suit last week after she realized she had no chance in hell at getting a dime out of The Biebs. For starters, Bieber had agreed to take a paternity test and his lawyers were preparing a counter suit. Also, Yeater's ex-boyfriend told everyone that the lawsuit was a scam and Yeater had initially told him that he was the father. Unfortunately, I guess this guy doesn't have like two million hits on YouTube, so she changed her mind. Finally, Yeater's lawyer's have walked away from the whole mess, probably in shame and disgrace.
Mariah Yeater stated that she took Justin Bieber's delicate flower of innocence in a 30-second tryst in a backstage bathroom when she was 19 and he was 16 years old. Justin didn't want to use a condom and also told her he wanted to "fuck the shit out of her," which is probably the stupidest detail she could have fabricated. I mean, who knows? Maybe The Biebs has a dirty mouth. But honestly, I doubt it. The kid bought a Batmobile. He's a dork. Seriously.
But questions still loom! Namely, will a mob of angry Beliebers hunt Yeater down and bludgeon her to death? Fingers crossed! Just kidding. She's a (horrible) mother! Will no one think of the children???