The Rachel Zoe Project Finale: Jeremiah Is Back Again And This Time There's Salami

It's the season finale of the Rachel Zoe Project and six weeks have gone by since Rachel and Rodger welcomed little Skyler into the world. I don't really understand the timeline on this show. It's been six weeks between now and the previous episode, but the season itself has spanned the better portion of the winter and spring? And they only had eight episodes? Whatever. Skyler is home! He is cute, too. Incidentally, I keep wanting to call him Mason, but I think that's a Kardashian spawn. Same diff.

The Zoe is learning how to be a mommy, but unfortunately she also has to run an entire company. God, it's just like that Sarah Jessica Parker movie! How does she do it? Answer: she's really rich. But she can't take a long maternity leave like she wants to. Her solution? She will just take her son with her everywhere! Like a Pomeranian or a really cute tote! Or even better, a Pomeranian in a really cute tote. Her first day back at work is to oversee the shoot for her resort line's look book. This is basically a promotional booklet of her collection for stores and press to use.  Mandana's been busy running the company and planning it all and she's a little nervous about how The Zoe will evaluate her work. Y'all, Mandana is really pretty. I just noticed that.

Rachel arrives with Skyler and everyone coos over him until Rachel mentions burping and pooping, which is not cute. Joey, who's on hand for hair and makeup of course, thinks that Skyler is too beautiful to be Rachel and Rodger's baby and maybe they stole it from Angelina Jolie. Um, okay. He ain't that adorable, let's not go overboard. Rachel and Mandana pick the looks for the shoot and Rachel experiences a weird sensation...she doesn't totally want to be working! It's so weird! It's like the love she has for Skyler is like, bigger than her love for fashion? The magic of motherhood, people. Unfortunately, they only have a certain amount of time to do this. The Zoe keeps leaving because she "has to touch" her baby. That just sounds weird, yo. Interestingly enough, the only woman of color I can ever recall on this show is hired to watch her baby. How The Help of her.

Real talk: I don't understand what resort wear is. Looking at Rachel's line, it looks...like fall fashion? But there's also sleeveless dresses. Is resort just a fancy name for "not quite winter, but not quite summer"? Whatever. If you've ever read my recaps of Project Runway, you already know that I know nothing about fashion. I have like seven cardigans and I rotate them. Deal with it. The shoot looks pretty cool, though. I like her stuff, even though I don't think it's terribly original. But who cares: Jeremiah is back! He is the most present fired person ever, man. Mandana has asked him to meet and he's not sure what it's about, but at least he knows he won't be getting canned again. Ha! Oh Jer, you and you're self-deprecating humor!

Mandana thanks Jeremiah for helping to put together the nursery, which is "a little oasis" for the family. You guys, I sincerely hope this is not the first time she said that, considering it was like two months ago. Mandana says she's just come back from a bunch of meetings in New York and Bloomingdale's has offered to give the Zoe resort collection a "store in store" space - I suppose this is one of those thingies where it's like a little mini-world of just one designer within a store space? Like when you walk into the Martha Stewart part of Macy's and nothing but the stench of potpourri and white privilege surrounds you? Anyway, it's better than a rack. Naturally, Mandana wants Jeremiah to build this store in store space because he's good at that shit.  He's particularly good at capturing the "essence of Rachel," which is probably like a combination of genuine fur, Chanel, Elnett hairspray, leather and laxatives. Jeremiah is obviously thrilled, since he's a) still on television and, b) getting paid.

Rachel and Rodger spend some quality time. Rachel rocks Skyler and sings him a "lullaby," which no shit goes like this: "Sky Sky, French fry/Your Daddy's apple pie/Your Mommy's French fry/You're my little guy." I guess that's cute? I personally found the repetition of "French fry" to detract from the real point of the song, which is obviously maternal love and pie. Then they try to tell Skyler a story. They're really bad at it. Rachel tells her son about a little prince who loves beautiful clothes...he loves Ralph Laren and Stella McCartney and Missoni and also his parents love him. Someone buy them Goodnight Moon, for the love of God.

Eleven days later, Jeremiah presents his store in store mock-up to Mandana, who hates everything. The chair is too high, the credenza is a bad idea, the space isn't functional, etc. Basically, Jeremiah is worried that he's going to be fired...again. Considering Mandana says that two fat men are going to be attracted by his chair layout, it doesn't look good. So now he has three days to complete everything and the changes are pretty severe.  Meanwhile, Rachel and Rodger burp Skyler. Is this what the show is to become?  Rachel prepares to take Skyler with her to work, calling him her "little travel buddy," which to me still means "cute Pomeranian in a cute tote."

It's time to get dressed and Rodger requests that Rachel stop dressing their son in women's clothing. Rachel's all, "It's not girly, it's French!" and Skyler is officially destined to be gay, folks. He's a little prince, duh. A little French prince. Rodger points out that they are actually American, but Rachel rolls her eyes. But he has this amazing Gucci jacket! And skinny pants! OMG, what the fuck are skinny pants for an infant boy? I mean, seriously. Rodger points out that these things are ridiculous, considering that Skyler is like two months old and spits up on all his clothes. Rodger with the logic! But The Zoe knows no logic when it comes to fashion. She and her little French prince baby will show them all, despite Rodger's threat to dress their son in a "wrestling shirt." Oh Rodge, how garish. Then he offers to buy Skyler a Metallica shirt, which actually earns a smack from Rachel. Hee!

Back to Jeremiah Might Fail Theater! He arrives at Bloomingdale's early in the morning and has to do everything himself, including clearing out the store space. Really? No one at Bloomies could have done that for him? Luckily, two interns eventually show up to help. More importantly, we get a gratuitous scene of Jeremiah in a black tank top with a power drill. Bravo knows it's audience, y'all. Ratings!  Rachel, Mandana and Skyler make their way to Bloomingdale's and hey! The African American baby nurse is there, too! Her name is Rusty. Amazing. And it's time to check out Jeremiah's finished product. For some reason, both Mandana and Rachel act all silent and freaked out, even though the only thing they both agree is lacking is a second chair, which Jeremiah has. I'd like to say that now they have the "two fat men" chairs back, just how Jeremiah originally suggested. Then suddenly, it's perfect! Yay! But will Bloomingdale's like it? Spoiler: they will. Duh.

Rachel loves the space, but it's Bloomingdale's Man who counts. If he likes the "Rachel Zoe World," they will likely get lots of "stores in stores" all over the country. Dramatic pause and...he loves it! I am completely surprised by this and was not at all expecting it!  Rusty from The Help comes to bring Rachel her son as they call the top head honcho. And he likes it, too! Yay! Underwhelming drama! The store in store will be in eight stores across the country. Stores. I just thought I should say stores again. Stores! Then Jeremiah cries because he succeeded. How gay! Just kidding. No for real though, he is gay, unrelated to the crying.

Soon after (Who knows with this show - a day? Four weeks? Nine years? Skyler is off to college!) Rodger wants to talk to Rachel about Jeremiah. He also wants to be serviced. No, not like that! He wants a sandwich, but Rachel doesn't have like, bread in her house. What are you, crazy? Carbs?! Disgusting! So as she makes Rodger a whole wheat bagel with PB & J, Rodger says that Jeremiah "isn't going away," which, okay. He is kind of the least fired fired guy ever. I got fired once and they didn't keep hiring me, FYI. Anyway, Rodger is suddenly all Team Jeremiah, which I think is pretty weird, especially considering the fact that Joey was only in this episode for maybe two minutes so far. Plot twist! He wants to make Jeremiah an offer he can't refuse to come on permanently as their decor design bitch or something. Yay Team Jeremiah! It almost makes me like Rodger, except now he has a new stupid necklace. It's worn with the peace sign and it's even stupider. I mean, does he shop at PacSun or Hollister or something? WTF.

The show ends with a lovely barbecue for Rachel and her team, without whom she "could not have been pregnant or had a child." Um, pretty sure that Rodger and the doctor did that, but okay. Everyone comes over and Rachel prepares her "famous salami," passed down from her grandmother. There are a couple of "that's what she said" jokes (Get it? Because salami is like a penis! They are using the food as a euphemism for a sex organ!) and it...looks disgusting? I mean honestly, I know I am walking into this joke, but what the hell is she doing with that salami? Gross.  But Rachel is all, "OMG my salami," and Joey gags for it, direct quote. It's "so juicy," and alright, now they're just doing it on purpose. Then NO JOKE, Jeremiah says, "I can toss the salad." I mean- I can't even. I just cannot.

Incidentally, now I'm hungry. After devouring the OMG Salami, everyone gathers for lunch and I swear, I think Skyler is either the most well behaved baby alive or he's already figured out how to swipe mom's Xanax. Rodger gives a lovely speech about how grateful they are for Jeremiah and offers him a job. Jeremiah cries again. Then Rodger gives another speech. Then Rachel cries. Then Rachel gives a speech. This is an awfully fucking serious barbecue, y'all. Lighten up, have a beer. But Rachel and Rodger in their stupid matching fedoras are happy and love everyone. Yay love! So, who will it be - next season, either Joey or Jeremiah will have betrayed The Zoe, right? Place your bets now!suoodf,

The Rachel Zoe Project Welcomes Skyler Morrison Berman (And Possibly Jeremiah Again!)

Previously on The Rachel Zoe Project: the demise of Jeremiah. Currently on The Rachel Zoe Project: the demise of Jeremiah. Mandana breaks the news to Joey that Jeremiah was "let go" and also that he's acting like a little bitch about it. She wishes that Jer would understand that they fired his ass because he's too smart for that job, but he's obviously just focusing on the "they fired my ass" part of it. Joey gets it. He also kind of laughs at him, though. Mandana is off to meet with our fallen homie and talk him down, I guess. Meanwhile, Rachel Zoe is at full term in her pregnancy. She's technically on sabbatical since, ya know, she's ready to pop any day now. Rodger forbids everyone from discussing work with Rachel - no jobs, no phone calls, no CCs on emails. He means it. No like, for real.

Mandana meets Jeremiah for coffee. He calls her "Boo," and I don't know what to make of that. He's "all over the place emotionally" and Mandana thinks he needs to stop wallowing. I mean, he just got fired from an awesome job and it's going to be aired on national television. Give him a break, Mandana. Then again, she's got a point. He's an interior designer. It's not a personal failure because he couldn't launch a full home line with Rachel Zoe. No one can do that, except maybe Joey. I'll bet Joey could convince her to launch a full line of honey baked ham. Designer ham, it's so hot right now. Anyway, Mandana points out that Jeremiah didn't steal all their gowns or their clients, so he's still one step above Taylor and Brad.

Assistant Marisa explains that pregnant women need to be like, super comfortable and chic and stuff, especially when they are doing something gross like giving birth. Thus, they need to prep Rachel's trip to the hospital like a shoot. Which Chanel does she want to bring? Obviously, all of it. Duh. I mean, clearly there are things a woman needs when she's in labor and Chanel is one of them. Chanel and ice chips. I've never had a kid, but I saw The Miracle of Life in ninth grade health class and that movie really stressed the importance of having the right clutch. Rachel wants to bring black thigh-high stiletto boots, because she lives on another fucking planet, and Joey seems to be the only one who gets that a person is about to come out of her vagina and she might, ya know, not want to be in heels. He also notes that having a baby is "not cute". Rachel agrees! Having a baby is such an "unglamorous" experience that if she doesn't feel attractive, it'll be that much worse. Sigh. I think everyone here is missing the point of having a child. Just sayin'.

Apparently, Molly Sims did not get Rodger's memo about not contacting Rachel for work. She needs to be styled and prepped for an art opening in New York. The Zoe obviously cannot do it and everyone else is booked solid. This means that Joey gets his very first full styling job and is going at it all by himself.  Joey's been working with Molly Sims in a hair and makeup capacity for years and he's very excited. On a conference call, Molly says she wants to have a sexy but not too sexy 1960s vibe and Joey gets to pulling dresses. I think he pulls about 72 dresses, no joke. It's like an insane amount of dresses. He says that he loves pulling clothes for Rachel, because everyone just lets him take whatever the fuck he wants. Seriously. I have to admit, that looks fun. I think Joey might be in a bit over his head, though.

Also in over his head is Rodger, who got a bit too wrapped up in becoming a father and forgot his brain. He's hired a videographer to "memorialize" the birth of their son. The Zoe is not happy. She's like, "Oh, how about I hire a camera crew to tape your colonoscopy?" which is pretty funny. Rodger is like, "No sillies, they aren't going to film your icky lady parts!" but Rachel shuts it down. I have to admit, I don't blame her. I mean, is he a total moron? What woman wants a fucking professional film crew up in their face while they're in labor? I guess to make up for it, or just because they're really rich, Rodger goes to some hoity toity jeweler to look at some "sick diamonds." These diamonds are like, as big as a nickel. Insane. Rodger wants to present it to her after she gives birth, I suppose as an apology for putting a baby in her and making her push it out. It's actually kind of sweet...ish.

Joey is getting all pumped for his Molly Sims fitting and he's doing pretty well until Mandana comes in and freaks him out completely. He's confident, but she points out that he doesn't actually know how to do anything. Oops! She's right! He holds up a sparkly pink dress that looks like it could fit about six Molly Simses in it, but whatever. He's off to New York! His brother Eli is meeting him to help, and Joey is so excited because Eli is to him what Joey is to Rachel. I think he means that literally. Eli might actually be his gay BFF. Honestly, it's weird. Is he gay or is that just what men in Joey's family sound like? My question is quickly answered when within minutes Eli says, "OMG I love it" and then makes a Donna Summer reference. Thanks for clearing that up, Eli.

Joey has 90 minutes to do Molly's hair, makeup, fit her and dress her. That's a little bonkers. Molly shows up - all 11 feet of her - and she doesn't seem to be terribly thrilled with Joey's options. Joey is realizing that women are chock full of body issues. Molly needs a certain length to make her legs look good. She feels mannish if her shoulders are bare. I mean honestly, if someone as stunning as Molly Sims takes this long to feel pretty in a dress, it kind of makes me feel better. She finally settles on the dress I hated. I still think it looks big on her. Whatever, at least her disgusting mannish shoulders are covered. Everyone else, including The Zoe, is thrilled though, further proving I know nothing about fashion.

But hey, who cares? Rachel's having a baby! It's 4:05 a.m. and Rachel's water just broke. Rodger's totally ignoring her requests by filming the entire thing. She's in the bathroom doing her hair, telling Rodge to fuck off and covering her entire head in Elnett spray. It's kind of amazing. I guess all those grand plans to have Joey over to do her hair and makeup flew out the window once she had that first contraction, huh?

Five hours later and The Zoe is still in labor. Marisa and assistant Kendall have to get the nursery set up. Marissa wants to get everything done ASAP, but Rachel and Rodger are "so superstitious" about bringing baby things in the house. Now, I don't know for a fact, but Rachel and Rodger seem to be Jewish, right? His name is Berman and hers is actually Rosenzweig, so I'm just going to call it an educated guess. I don't know how alright it is for Marisa to be calling her religious beliefs "superstitions," but whatever. Anyway, Marisa makes the executive decision to start setting up the nursery. The problem is, she needs help. So who does she call? Jeremiah of course! He knows how to set up rooms and shit! Make him do it! Marisa and Kendall go out, buy everything and dump it on a very confused Jeremiah before promptly leaving for the hospital. And yet again, Jeremiah is left alone to work on Rachel Zoe's house. Sheesh. The poor guy is hoping this will help him weasel his way back into the company. Jeremiah, move on. Seriously, just move on. 

Rodger whines about how long childbirth takes. Someone smack him, please? I'm pretty sure you're doing just fine playing on your Blackberry out in the lobby with all your friends while Rachel goes through 16 hours of labor. Idiot. But then there's a baby! Skyler Morrison Berman is born and he is tiny and squishy and kind of ugly, like all newborns. Aww! Next week we get to see more of him. Plus, Rachel and Rodger wear stupid hipster hats and Jeremiah is back...again.

The Rachel Zoe Project Singlehandedly Demolishes Jeremiah's Dreams, Quickly Moves On To Fun Stuff

Well, guys, the day is finally here: little Jeremiah is going to get his wings. They are big, sparkly Chanel wings, of course and it's going to be about 40 minutes until those wings are brutally clipped and little Jeremiah never flies in fashion again. Thus we begin another week with The Rachel Zoe Project.  Rachel is working on an editorial with Elle for the summer, which means lots of beautiful jewelry with itty bitty bathing suits. Jeremiah actually gets to help! I know! But - spoiler alert - don't get too excited. I'm just saying.

Rachel meets with Jeremiah and Joey, who comes bearing candles. Why? Who knows. She doesn't seem very excited. You know who is? Jeremiah. He suggests that Rachel start her own line of home accents. Again, she doesn't seem very into it. This seems like an offhand comment on the part of Jeremiah, but I like to think of it as the beginning of the end.  But for now, he's busily preparing for his shoot. Of course, this is being preempted by the fact that The Zoe doesn't feel it necessary to include him in any of the prepping. She's sending Joey the emails. Are we surprised? No, we are not. Jeremiah admits to being a little butt hurt about the whole thing and who can blame him? He's so frazzled he's wearing a ragged sweater and knit hat, which Joey appropriately deems to be very "MK and Ashley" and I suppose this is no longer a good thing? Was it ever? I don't understand fashion.

But Jeremiah: so excited. He dies. Then Joey gets an email with the PDF files for the shoot. Jeremiah: so crushed. He wonders aloud why he isn't being added to any of these emails. Joey is like, "Bitch how dare you ask Rachel to do anything.? Shut up! You have some nerve to want to be CC'd on emails pertaining to your job assignment! You selfish whore, she is pregnant!" etc. Then he gives Jeremiah a ton of overwhelming and bizarre advice like, "Don't react to anything she says." Okay... Mandana shows up later to give him some less than encouraging support. I mean, "At least you got asked to go!" is true, but is it really helpful? Not really.

The next day, Joey and Rachel are on their way to the shoot being typical Joey and Rachel. Joey comments on Rachel's hooker heels at 37 weeks pregnant and she's like, "What? They're wedges". Duh, Joey. Duh. Meanwhile, Jeremiah is busy totally misplacing tons of designer jewelry. Oops! But then he finds them within about two minutes. There goes all those dramatic and misleading commercials, sheesh. At the shoot, The Zoe gives Joey camera duties because he's the only one "responsible enough" to handle it. She says, right in front of Jeremiah. Ouch. Thus continues the downward spiral of Jer's fashion career.

The rest of the shoot goes kind of like this:

Jeremiah: Frazzled!
Rachel: I love you soooo much, Joey!
Joey: I am funny! I make Rachel smile!
Rachel: OMG Joey, you're the only person here I love!
Jeremiah: Crying!
Joey: Ha! Hahaha! Hahahaha!
Rachel: JOEY!
Jeremiah: Suicidal!

In other words, it's not pretty. Jeremiah knows his only prayer of keeping this job with Rachel is to find a real place within the company and this shoot has left him the odd man out.  Poor Jeremiah. Even a girl as big as The Zoe only has room for one token gay BFF. In distress, he consults Marisa, who is apparently Director of Operations even though I don't remember her at all. Jeremiah wants to discuss his future. He knows he's been all over the place at Rachel Zoe, Inc. But he doesn't want to be all over the place! He wants to head up Rachel Zoe Home, which is a division he just made up. Ballsy! I mean, I get that home decor is his thing, but it's a pretty bold move to suggest that they launch an entirely new line of products so that he has something to do. The woman is about to go on maternity leave, Jeremiah. Chill the fuck out. Marisa is like, "Uhhhhh." She says that a home line is in the grand plan of RZ, Inc, but definitely not soon on the timeline. But she'll "get back to him," which we all know means no.

And what's The Zoe doing while Jeremiah plots his own doom? Well, she's styling herself for when she goes into labor, obviously. See, she has this long Chanel duster cardigan that will be perfect for the hospital trip. And she tells Joey that he'll obviously be doing her makeup. She wants a red lip. Obviously. You know what I think? I think this woman doesn't realize that she's going to be pushing a person out of her vagina, that's what I think. Joey is horrified that she's going to have to wear a - gasp! - hospital gown. He actually whispers it. They're so ugly, you know? Seriously, people. Person, out of the vagina? No? Nothing? Okay. There's all this bullshit about how she has the perfect life and it's her reward for working so hard or some garbage, but I tuned it out halfway through.

Because she's so perfect and lucky, The Hollywood Reporter is doing something on stylists and wants Rachel on the cover. Even though she's nearly 40 weeks pregnant, The Zoe cannot pass this up. As Joey puts it, this is her first magazine cover, "like, for something good." I have to admit, she looks pretty nice. I mean, her face still looks haggard as shit, but she's wearing these vintage gowns and  has this big, cute pregnant belly. And with Joey's help, her hair looks fabulous. She says she's "so lucky" to be able to go through her entire pregnancy without needed maternity clothes, and I guess that's easy to do when you start at 46 pounds. She grew into a size 10, you guys! It's so big! Thank God, it's a baby and not like, fat. Ew.

Rodger also joins in on the photo shoot and he is wearing the peace sign necklace. Why is he doing that? What is wrong with them? This peace sign necklace will be the death of me. Speaking of death, it's time for Jeremiah's dreams to die. Rodger meets with Marisa and they agree that they aren't ready for a home line and this leaves Jeremiah essentially useless. Rachel is quite upset at the thought of letting him go, but she's too tired and pregnant to deal with the decision and leaves it in Rodger's hands. Rodger's hands decide to wave bye-bye to Jeremiah. In a short, sort of heartbreaking meeting, Rodger tells Jeremiah that he's "basically fooling himself" about wanting to be a stylist (ouch) and that he's great at home decor in a company that doesn't do home decor. Which leaves him...fired. There are a few uncomfortable moments where Jer tries to defend himself, but it's kind of sad. Stop it, Jeremiah. You don't have a chance. And so, his styling hopes and dreams crumble to dust while off in the distance, the high-pitched cackle of a New York hairdresser can be heard, echoing, "I won, that's so major!" into the night. And Jeremiah gives Rodger a final, empty and sad puppy face, to no avail.

Rachel Zoe Does The Oscars And Rodger Does...Nothing

It's Zoe time again and this week it's Oscar season, Fashion Week and Rodger and Rachel's wedding anniversary. Rodger takes a white mug out of his white cabinet in the white kitchen of his white house and I just hope they have a good staff because I don't know how anyone could have a baby in that much white without disaster.  He's mad because Rachel has booked a job during their anniversary - on the one and only year she isn't busy at Fashion Week. He angrily drinks his coffee, his peace sign necklace shining in bright contrast to his swirl of emotions. Oh, the unbearable drama! Rachel, meanwhile, thinks her clothes are "eating her" and puts on a dumb knit hat to offset her horrifyingly embarrassing pregnant belly.  She's annoyed because Brad The Treacherous Traitor Of Traitorville is styling one of her clients for the Oscars. Bad Brad! How could someone who wears such charming bowties be so diabolical?

Meanwhile, Jeremiah and Joey are dishing about the same drama like old girlfriends, so I guess they aren't rivals anymore? Whatever, it's cute. They read Page Six, giving us the scoop that it's Demi Moore who has chosen to let Brad style her instead of The Zoe, because I guess immature betrayal is just running rampant in the Kutcher-Moore household.  Joey is really upset because this whole Brad thing is like, upsetting. It's like, really hard and like, makes him upset. You know? Jeremiah totally knows. And for Rachel to have to deal with this in those six inch heels she wears? While pregnant? It's tragic. They share serious looks and then spend the next ten minutes imitating Rachel giving birth while wearing stilettos. Um, can we have Jeremiah and Joey become besties? Please?

Hey, remember when Anne Hathaway hosted the Oscars? Man, was that a disaster. With James Franco being high and the unfunny jokes and how Anne kept talking too loudly into the microphone because she knew they were tanking and it was sad and kind of uncomfortable like when your aunt gets too drunk at the Christmas party? Yeeeeah. Well, do you remember at least that she looked nice? That was all Rachel Zoe. Rachel's busy as hell, planning all the looks that Anne will wear as she ruins her public image at the biggest event in Hollywood. Fun! Joey checks out the gowns for the first time and as per usual Joey behavior, he is wetting himself over all the sparkles. To be fair, I do recall that Anne looked stunning in almost everything she wore, so kudos to Zoe. They pull a silver fringe number off the rack and Joey freaks out. He excitedly tells Rachel that it's her favorite color, "gilver" and that Anne is going to look "maj" in it. Gilver is a great word, by the way. I think I have gilver nail polish.

This gilver spectacular is the last smile we see for a while, though. Rachel has reached that stage of pregnancy where everything is a huge pile of suck always all the time. This, right here? This is why I've decided to be barren, FYI. She's cranky and sad and miserable and even though it's her wedding anniversary, she wants to crawl into bed and cry. The Brad/Demi thing really upset her. Sad piano music whimpers as we're shown shots of rainy streets and setting suns, because now the Rachel Zoe Project wants to be artsy. She's sad, see? It's all too much. Rodger lets her nap (in full knit cap and large coat, naturally) and then brings her sparkling water in a wine glass like a good husband. They seriously discuss serious things seriously, but honestly almost none of it makes sense. I could tell it was important, though, because of the piano.

The following day, Rodger video chats with Rachel's sister Pamela, showing off the show's marketing agreement with Apple (RIP, Steve) and also totally overreacting about Rachel's behavior. He tells Pamela, "She just came home and literally had a meltdown. She came home, slammed the door, went upstairs, closed the door." Well God, with all that door shutting, I'm surprised he didn't Baker Act her. What an emotional display! Closed doors! What's next, Rachel? Pulled blinds?! When will this suffering end?! Has Rodger honestly never known a pregnant woman before? She's 34 weeks in, dude. If she's tired and emotional it's because she's about to pop out a person. Idiot.  He wants Pamela to come to them and try and help Rachel slow down.

But The Zoe, she never slows down! I really do see the concern, but I also have to admit that I understand Rachel's perspective: a client she's worked with for years is now hosting the Academy Awards. It's, you know, pretty maj. Then again, Rachel's run herself ragged and now she's hacking, coughing, sniffling sick. Oops. No joke, she looks like hell. She and Pamela have a sit-down and sis is all, "Remember, you and the baby are the most important thing," and Rachel is like, "Yep, after this weekend." Oh, Zoe. See, there's a Tom Ford store opening, and that's much more important than the well being of her fetus. Obviously. So, Joey gets her all dolled up and I have to say, that bitch is good at his job because she actually looks pretty when he's done. Rodger melts and Rachel checks her phone as he says sweet, caring things to her. How romantic.

And then it's the Oscars! Where is Jeremiah? I think it's really lame that there is so little Jeremiah on this show. It was like a tease. We were offered the adorable Jeremiah and instead we got Joey. Nice, but kind of annoying. And not nearly as cute. So this day is bananas and Rachel is off like "a hooker in Chanel" to go do ten million things. Then we get this scene where Rodger sits around and tries to lounge by the pool, but he keeps getting disrupted by the phone ringing. His nine months pregnant wife is out running the world's longest list of errands on the biggest day of her career in a pair of six-inch booties and he's sitting on his ass, whining. This guy who has been, I dunno, worrying nonstop about how hard his wife is working? Why isn't he helping her?! Rodger, you suck. Then he's bitching about how all these people are at their house - on Oscar night, really? He's such a child. Shut up, Rodger with your stupid peace sign necklace.

The good news is, Rachel doesn't die or go into labor and Anne Hathaway looks gorgeous. And Jeremiah is there! They...send him to pick up dinner. Oh, Jeremiah. Poor dear. He knows his place and hilariously comments, "At least I'm not picking up dog shit...because they don't have a dog. Yet." So he's out getting pizza while they totally don't wait for him to watch Anne on the red carpet. Asshats. But hey, they have a baby coming and vintage Valentino, so it's all good, right? Until next week anyway, when they decide Jeremiah's fate. Dun dun dunnn.

Rachel Zoe Project: Jeremiah Pulls Off The Big Move, But Is It Enough To Stick Around?

 

Pop quiz: if you had to choose between spending the weekend with Rodger or having a Twilight movie marathon with gay stylist Joey from the Rachel Zoe Project, which would you choose? No, you can't choose death, silly! These are Rachel's options. While she would love to have her husband home, his stupid ass is going to Vegas with "the boys" to watch the Super Bowl. So instead, she gets Twilight, popcorn and Joey. One of those will make you vomit, one of those you will vomit after eating (carbs!) and one of those will hold your extensions back while you do steps one and two. So I guess it's a good deal? Whatever. Can I just say I agree with the Zoe and an overnight trip to Vegas with "the boys" at 42 is a little pathetic? I mean, I'm not planning on being one of those wives who harp on their husbands for spending time with their friends, but stop calling them "the boys." You sound like an idiot. But what can I expect from a grown man in a peace sign necklace?

"I'm not supposed to stand in front of the microwave as it's on, because it's bad for unborn children," says Rachel, as she stands in front of the microwave as it's on. Meanwhile, Rodger is already drunk when he gets to Vegas and leaves a douchey message on her voice mail, which he and his friends think is hilarious because they are drunk and douchey. These guys say things like, "Who's your daddy?" and "We're gonna bring some bitches back here tonight!" unironically.  Aren't they all married? Gross. Fourteen hours later and their hotel suite at The Palms is wrecked. It's like The Hangover, but without the tiger or the baby. And I'm pretty sure they have all their teeth. But Rodger keeps saying things like "I don't understand what we did last night?" and "I don't understand where my money is?" so this doesn't bode well. Flashback to debauchery.  Shots, clubs and strippers. Of course then he ruins this display of unabashed masculinity by hamming it up with Joey on the phone while he checks in with his wife.

Meanwhile, Rachel is missing her husband and missing Fashion Week, so she drops several hundred thousand dollars on vintage Oscar de la Renta and vintage Chanel. Things are "major" and "O-M-G" and then there's the concern about how she can wear backless now what that she has boobies. It's all very deep and meaningful as we go through all the vintage lace and fur. The problems the pregnant Zoe faces are real and serious, people.

But down to business: Rachel is styling the host of the Oscars. This is Anne Hathaway, of course, and based on my recollections, she did a damn good job. Anne may have sucked a nut as a host, but she looked effing amazing. So at least one of them did well! (Sorry Anne, I love you! You'll always be the princess of Genovia to me!) Meanwhile, Jeremiah is selling his first born, his plasma, his sperm and possibly a kidney to get this furniture to Rachel and Rodger's house in time.  You guys, I don't know that Jeremiah is going to last this season, and that makes me sad. He has such pretty blue puppy eyes. Poor Jer. He just might fail miserably.

Rachel and her jam packed schedule include a lip line endorsement, which is a struggle since she's stressed and has what she calls "pregnancy brain." Or it might be the forty tons of Elnet hairspray seeping into her scalp. She cannot remember her lines. But her lips look nice, so hey. I guess it's a win. Not a win? This move. The Zoe is having a nervous breakdown over a bunch of strangers handling her vintage archives. Usually I think Rachel Zoe is a moron, but I kind of see her point there.  She has about 40,000 pairs of sunglasses and twice that amount of shoes. There are six million individual pieces of jewelry and the movers are naturally running late. As always. Rachel's apartment takes some serious time to pack up, since so many things are valuable. Meanwhile, Jeremiah has no furniture.

Joey shows up to "help" but that mostly means to give his candid opinion while further terrifying Jeremiah. At least he brings him a coffee with "like eighteen shots", but he also has the helpful comments like "the rug is used" and "there's a stain on it." Jeremiah: It's vintage. Joey: used.  Nice. He also gives comfort like, "If its not done it's all on you!" Joey is such a good partner. It's not like he's trying to worm Jeremiah out at all, nope nope nopers.  Then he bails when things get hectic. Joey is top notch in a crisis.  Poor Jeremiah is up till 3am unpacking the entire house, all alone. There are un-assembled pieces and pieces that still haven't arrived. He. Is. Terrified. This poor guy deserves a medal. He really lays down the law with late movers. You go, girl!  He's like, listen bitch! I NEED MY SHIT. NOW. Oh Jer, I hope you don't get fired. You can come work for me, honey.

But it's good news! Jeremiah rocks this shit. He kills it. Rachel says he "captured everything [she] wanted" and there is nothing she's not happy with. And goddamn, she's right. This house is motherfucking stunning. The good news: Rachel could not be happier with Jeremiah. She sees his skill and his passion and his ability with interior design. The bad news? There is no interior design in Rachel Zoe, Inc. Does he have a place? I guess we'll just have to wait and see. In the meantime, can someone get Jer a Xanax? And a triple shot latte? Who's your daddy?

Rachel Zoe: The Jeremiah vs. Joey Deathmatch Continues With Special Guest Star Kim Kardashian

Well, the good news is, Rachel Zoe finally looks pregnant. I mean, she is definitely still a stick, but now she's a stick with a fetus in her. You know, if you hide her hair, Rachel Zoe kind of looks like a little old lady? Honestly, like a decrepit old lady. Creepy!  Anyway, Zoe finally looks pregnant. I'm not exactly sure how much time has passed between this episode and the last, but it seems to be a couple months? It's a little disconcerting that she finally started showing at like eight months, you guys. Joey has moved to California and he cannot get over Rachel's body, either. He tells her how amazing her "titties" look and asks to see them (see, Olivier, gay men can like boobies, too!) although she declines. Then Joey looks at her and wrinkles his nose. "Are you really gonna let it come out of your vag?" he asks, and I die. I think Jeremiah is adorable, guys, but Joey is really enjoyable sometimes. I can see why the Zoe wants him around.

Jeremiah, meanwhile, is trying to cope. Rodger shows him around the ridiculously big, beautiful house they have purchased and puts Jeremiah to the task of decorating and furnishing the entire thing. All 7,000 square inches of it. (Jeremiah: "This staircase is bigger than my house!") Oh, and they are moving from a tiny apartment, so they need almost all new furniture. Oh, and it's happening in ten days. No biggie! Poor Jer looks like he's going to have a nervous breakdown and maybe barf all over Rodger, which I think would be awesome, but he's got a brain in that cute little head of his. He knows this is a test. Now that is Joey in California, he needs to establish his place in this company somewhere, or he will be bye bye. With his background in interior design, he sees this as an opportunity to prove his value to Rodger and Rachel. He offers a few suggestions and Rodge is like, look I do not care what the fuck you do, this is your problem. And oh my God, he is still wearing the peace sign necklace!! Rodger! Stop dressing like Eddie Vedder circa 1996! You are such a tool!

Back at the Zoe apartment, Rachel meets with Joey and Jeremiah. Joey eyes Jeremiah like a cat, trying to decide whether he wants to eat him or like, ya know, eat him. It's kind of weird. Jeremiah presents himself confidently, but you can tell he's inwardly freaking out. Joey and Rachel have such a history and such a nice rapport, it leaves him looking like a third wheel. Rachel stresses how important the house decorating project is and Joey wishes him the best, but it's kind of like when Regina George says, "OMG I love your bracelet!" you know?  Poor Jeremiah. Joey gives him helpful advice like sing-songing, "Don't mess uh-up!" and man, I think that Joey is secretly the world's biggest mean girl. Yikes.

It doesn't get much better for Jeremiah. Rachel gets a call for a last minute styling shoot. Normally, she woudln't take it, but it's a promotional shoot for Kim Kardashian's new fragrance and Rachel's not mentally retarded. You always do the Kardashian shoot. Duh. The thing is, it's in 24 hours and they need to get everything together stat. Emergency call to Joey, who swings by to get Jeremiah, who doesn't quite understand what "emergency" means in Zoeville. He's not ready. He has to throw on an outfit quickly and this normally wouldn't be a big deal, but he is trying to be a professional stylist and all. They leave in a rush and he hates what he's wearing. Rachel greets them and immediately tells Joey how cute he looks. Joey looks triumphant. Jeremiah looks devastated.

They discuss the Kim K shoot and Rachel tells Jeremiah to just follow Joey's lead in picking out accessories, because he knows her taste so well. Triumphant and devastated looks number two. Then the crushing blow: because this shoot is at a house location, she has to keep her team tight and can only bring one of them along. Joey couldn't look more smug. "This is a no-brainer," he tells the camera, as Jeremiah weeps silently in the corner.

Joey and Jeremiah hit the town and start pulling accessories for the shoot. The shoot has a Valentine's Day theme and Joey proceeds to grab every pair of red shoes on the planet, exclaiming, "These! These! And OMG these, these are maj, we have to have these!" I think "maj" means major. I don't know. I'm only semi-fluent in Fashion Industry Gay. I live in Miami, where it's mostly Drunken Dancer Gay. Jeremiah thinks he is grabbing the ugliest shit ever. He quietly suggests they bring a variety of options and not just 500 pairs of tacky red hooker heels, but Joey is like, "bitch please!"

Speaking of bitches, Rodger drops the bomb on Rachel that he's going to Vegas with his friends for the Super Bowl.  Rachel? Is pii-iiised. She does not like that he wants to leave her at home, eight months pregnant, to spend the whole day "drinking Bloody Marys" with his friends.  For real, kind of a dick move. But seriously...um, Bloody Marys? All day? On Super Bowl Sunday?  Beer, Rodger. You drink beer. On Super Bowl Sunday, you hang out with your boys and you have nachos and chicken wings and potato chips and onion dip and you drink beer. Joan Collins has a Bloody Mary, but you are not Joan Collins. You are a man. Seriously, what is wrong with him?! What guy drinks Bloody Marys all day during the big game? With the little celery stick? Seriously? He and his peace sign necklace and his Bloody fucking Marys, oh my God. 

Meanwhile, back in the Thunderdome, things are not looking good for Jeremiah. He and Joey get a call from the Zoe and find out that she's chosen Joey for the shoot because he "dies for Kim K." Don't we all?  Jeremiah looks like someone has just killed one thousand puppies in front of his very eyes. Joey actually says, “I'm really proud of you, Rach. You made the best decision ever!” Wow. Boys, take note: do not compete with Joey the hair and makeup guy. What a prick. He smiles like the Cheshire Cat and Jeremiah goes home, probably to update his resume.

And then, instantly, Joey makes me like him again. As they arrive at the shoot, Rachel looks down at herself. She's wearing a massive fur coat, natch, and she says, "I look like a pimp." Is she honestly just realizing that she dresses like the lead in a 1970s blacksploitation movie? Anyway, Joey is all, "Does that make me your hoe?" Joey, stop making me like you.  

Hey look, it's Kim Kardashian! Did you know she is beautiful and curvy and she has her own fragrance? It's called "Kim Kardashian" because those are the only two words she knows how to read.  She tells the Zoe that from the back, you can't even tell she's pregnant and Rachel beams, weeping with joy, crying "Bless you, child! Bless you!" Considering you couldn't even tell she was pregnant from the front until about eight months in, you'd think she wouldn't be so concerned about her size. Gotta love the fashion industry. Eat your sandwiches, girls! Anyways, Kim is in sexy outfits being sexy and posing sexy and making sexy faces, because that is what she does.  Then they change her for the final look and it's this blood red, skin tight Dolce & Gabbana dress and, alright fine. She is stunning. Joey screams and jumps and cries and pees himself like a twelve year old girl at a Bieber mall appearance.

Jeremiah: buys furniture. Cue the violins.

Rachel comes home and puts on the very practical outfit of tights, mini skirt, fur vest and black stilettos, because that's what every woman who is eight months pregnant wears for a casual dinner with her family.  Rachel's sister arrives and the Zoe thinks they're all going out to dinner, but sis actually takes them to a doula. Why? Well, the baby is due in like a month and they literally have no baby plan. Idiots. So, Zoe looks like a pregnant prostitute and the doula thinks she's a moron and Rodger flat out tells this woman that she's a scam.  It all goes so well! They fight in front of the doula, they fight in the car on the way home. Rodger doesn't like that Rachel is micromanaging a company while she's about to have a baby (good point) and Rachel doesn't like that he is a “cranky ass bitch” (also good point). They seem to be making a big deal about this fight, but doesn't every couple about to have their first baby freak out and bicker? I don't know. They're both acting like shit heads, but they have a lot going on. It's natural the stress will make them both difficult. Stop trying to create drama, Bravo! This is dumb. You're both ass faces, the end. No one cares. Next week, they will continue to be assy and Jeremiah will finish the house...or Joey will knock him down the stairs and make it look like an accident. Both are possibilities.

Rachel Zoe Project: Jeremiah Is The New Brad, But Is Joey The New Jeremiah?

Previously on the Rachel Zoe Project, Rachel grew a pea-sized fetus that no one can see any discernible proof of. She gained a fashion line and lost a Brad, thus replacing him with an equally adorable gay named Jeremiah. She wore lots of fur coats, which are gargantuan compared to her tiny, crumbling frame. Rodger wore a peace sign necklace and his bangs have come to flip quite impressively. Oh, and everyone is frazzled. There, now we're all caught up!

This week is the special presentation of Rachel's new fashion line to all the most specialest high end buyers and fashion editors. Mainly, the entire episode revolves around this stressful event, which of course goes well and everybody loves it and you now can buy your very own tweed coats and weird frock things designed by The Zoe at your local Neiman Marcus. It's all very exciting, yay, no one cares.

The real heart of the episode, to me, is the quickly growing rivalry between new Junior Stylist Jeremiah and the hair and makeup expert we all know and love, Joey. See, The Zoe needs Joey in her life. Rachel is very fragile. There aren't a lot of people left who she can really trust. There's also the issue of no one really knowing what Jeremiah does. He goes to buy jewelry for the show, which everyone likes but no one uses. Rachel forgets he is there approximately four times.  Jeremiah seems...lost. On the plus side, he is fucking adorable and has immaculate abs.  Joey, on the other hand, knows the business. He knows fashion. He knows Rachel. And most importantly, she can trust him like, to understand what pink-gold is when it's time to appropriately accessorize.  And also not to steal her business and shit.

And so the Thunderdome begins: Rodger invites Joey to move out to California. He even offers up his car. Joey meets with Jeremiah for a mildly threatening "I just hope it all goes well with you and Rachel" meal, where he's twirling his invisible mustache. Joey doesn't actually have a mustache because being a New York hipster is so H&M last season. Jeremiah is somewhat terrified. He and Joey are wearing the same outfit - literally the same. Burgundy sweater, black and white striped shirt. How embarrassing! What does it all mean?! Are they soul mates? Or are they rivals, each hoping to be Rachel's most trusted and loyal gay? Only time will tell. 

Rachel Zoe Is Back & It. Is. Amazing.

Oh, Rachel Zoe. I know it sounds strange, since I think you are probably the most ridiculous person on Earth (it's you or Kanye West, I haven't decided) but I missed you. I really did. And now you're back! I die.

The season begins and the Zoe is six months pregnant. I'm not really sure what to think about this, considering she still looks like she might not survive a strong wind. If this was airing in real time, I would actually be concerned for the baby. Where is it? She's got a six month old fetus in there and I wouldn't fit in her trousers. I'm a size four. Where is the fetus?!

Almost as alarming is Rodger's hair. It's gotten out of control this season, doing all sorts of flippy-floppy things that I'm sure he thinks is charming. What really bugs me, though, is his little silver peace sign necklace. Now, I'm sure it's some sort of custom made Bvlgari charm or something but - a peace sign necklace? Seriously? That's pretty 1996, Rodg. I don't know how Rachel allows it. Is that retro? I don't get fashion, man.

Anyways, Rachel is having a boy, which she admits she did not handle very well at first. Can you imagine? She sees the tiny blur of a penis on the sonogram screen and all those dreams of Marchesa onesie gowns and Louboutin booties shatter. But now she's "over it" because she's found some really cute boy clothes. As we can see.

 

So, basically, this episode is about how Rachel is pregnant, awards season is approaching, she's got all her usual high profile clients, she and Rodger are trying to buy a house and, oh yeah, she's about to launch her own fashion line. That's pretty major. Luckily, she's hired Mandana Dayani, whom she deems "the ultimate execu-bitch" to be Rachel when Rachel isn't there to be Rachel. Or something. 

But the craziest news is that Brad Goreski is no more. Okay no, he isn't dead, but he's Dead To Rachel, and that's what matters, right? Apparently, he told the Zoe he wanted to scale back, spend more time with his boyfriend and tiny dog (I have no idea what kind of dog he has, but I'm assuming it's tiny) and shit. But then he went out on his own as a stylist, showing up at all the events and trying to steal Rachel's clients. Bad Brad! Rachel tells us how this is not the first time she's been used, but "it's definitely the last time," which is exactly what she said at the beginning of last season when she fired Taylor Jacobson for stealing garments.  The new lead stylist is a girl named Jordan, who we may or may not have already met, I don't care.

Rachel seriously wears about seven different huge fur coats in this episode. I don't know how she bears the weight of these coats. Like, honestly, how does she not topple over? Thank God she's about 72 pounds now that she's pregnant, or her entire frame might shatter.

    

Anyways, with the tragic loss of Brad, Rachel needs a new cute gay hipster to be her pet toy slave accessory junior stylist. Jeremiah Brent is an attractive, blue-eyed manchild who has little experience, but looks fabulous in a vest. Obviously, she hires him because he is completely fucking adorable. He'll also look great in her purse.

Poor Jeremiah is thrown right in, because they are prepping for this huge buyer/editor presentation. Rachel will be too pregnant to travel, and thus do a typical line launch during Fashion Week, so they've arranged an event where she will present her line to all the major buyers and fashion editors now. To say "Rachel is nervous" is like saying "those girls are sort of  into Justin Bieber." She's totally fucking flipping out. But then she sees her whole line for the first time and her head bobbles and wobbles in excitement. And then the most articulate conversation ever to be recorded occurs:

 

Rachel: Omigod, look at the clothes.

Jeremiah: They look amazing.

Rachel: I see leopard and I see an amazing red jacket.

Rachel: *tries on a coat* Oh my god, this is amazing.

Rachel: *tries on another coat* This is amazing.

Jeremiah: It's amazing.

Rachel: It's amazing.

...Later, Rachel frets about the success of her line.

Jeremiah: Look, the product speaks for itself. Everything is...amazing.

Rachel: Are we biased? Or is it amazing?

Such big questions! Such a small vocabulary! But we will have to wait until next week to see if it's truly as "amazing" as they think when they hit New York.  Amazing. (Sorry, couldn't resist)