Rachel Zoe Project: Jeremiah Pulls Off The Big Move, But Is It Enough To Stick Around?

 

Pop quiz: if you had to choose between spending the weekend with Rodger or having a Twilight movie marathon with gay stylist Joey from the Rachel Zoe Project, which would you choose? No, you can't choose death, silly! These are Rachel's options. While she would love to have her husband home, his stupid ass is going to Vegas with "the boys" to watch the Super Bowl. So instead, she gets Twilight, popcorn and Joey. One of those will make you vomit, one of those you will vomit after eating (carbs!) and one of those will hold your extensions back while you do steps one and two. So I guess it's a good deal? Whatever. Can I just say I agree with the Zoe and an overnight trip to Vegas with "the boys" at 42 is a little pathetic? I mean, I'm not planning on being one of those wives who harp on their husbands for spending time with their friends, but stop calling them "the boys." You sound like an idiot. But what can I expect from a grown man in a peace sign necklace?

"I'm not supposed to stand in front of the microwave as it's on, because it's bad for unborn children," says Rachel, as she stands in front of the microwave as it's on. Meanwhile, Rodger is already drunk when he gets to Vegas and leaves a douchey message on her voice mail, which he and his friends think is hilarious because they are drunk and douchey. These guys say things like, "Who's your daddy?" and "We're gonna bring some bitches back here tonight!" unironically.  Aren't they all married? Gross. Fourteen hours later and their hotel suite at The Palms is wrecked. It's like The Hangover, but without the tiger or the baby. And I'm pretty sure they have all their teeth. But Rodger keeps saying things like "I don't understand what we did last night?" and "I don't understand where my money is?" so this doesn't bode well. Flashback to debauchery.  Shots, clubs and strippers. Of course then he ruins this display of unabashed masculinity by hamming it up with Joey on the phone while he checks in with his wife.

Meanwhile, Rachel is missing her husband and missing Fashion Week, so she drops several hundred thousand dollars on vintage Oscar de la Renta and vintage Chanel. Things are "major" and "O-M-G" and then there's the concern about how she can wear backless now what that she has boobies. It's all very deep and meaningful as we go through all the vintage lace and fur. The problems the pregnant Zoe faces are real and serious, people.

But down to business: Rachel is styling the host of the Oscars. This is Anne Hathaway, of course, and based on my recollections, she did a damn good job. Anne may have sucked a nut as a host, but she looked effing amazing. So at least one of them did well! (Sorry Anne, I love you! You'll always be the princess of Genovia to me!) Meanwhile, Jeremiah is selling his first born, his plasma, his sperm and possibly a kidney to get this furniture to Rachel and Rodger's house in time.  You guys, I don't know that Jeremiah is going to last this season, and that makes me sad. He has such pretty blue puppy eyes. Poor Jer. He just might fail miserably.

Rachel and her jam packed schedule include a lip line endorsement, which is a struggle since she's stressed and has what she calls "pregnancy brain." Or it might be the forty tons of Elnet hairspray seeping into her scalp. She cannot remember her lines. But her lips look nice, so hey. I guess it's a win. Not a win? This move. The Zoe is having a nervous breakdown over a bunch of strangers handling her vintage archives. Usually I think Rachel Zoe is a moron, but I kind of see her point there.  She has about 40,000 pairs of sunglasses and twice that amount of shoes. There are six million individual pieces of jewelry and the movers are naturally running late. As always. Rachel's apartment takes some serious time to pack up, since so many things are valuable. Meanwhile, Jeremiah has no furniture.

Joey shows up to "help" but that mostly means to give his candid opinion while further terrifying Jeremiah. At least he brings him a coffee with "like eighteen shots", but he also has the helpful comments like "the rug is used" and "there's a stain on it." Jeremiah: It's vintage. Joey: used.  Nice. He also gives comfort like, "If its not done it's all on you!" Joey is such a good partner. It's not like he's trying to worm Jeremiah out at all, nope nope nopers.  Then he bails when things get hectic. Joey is top notch in a crisis.  Poor Jeremiah is up till 3am unpacking the entire house, all alone. There are un-assembled pieces and pieces that still haven't arrived. He. Is. Terrified. This poor guy deserves a medal. He really lays down the law with late movers. You go, girl!  He's like, listen bitch! I NEED MY SHIT. NOW. Oh Jer, I hope you don't get fired. You can come work for me, honey.

But it's good news! Jeremiah rocks this shit. He kills it. Rachel says he "captured everything [she] wanted" and there is nothing she's not happy with. And goddamn, she's right. This house is motherfucking stunning. The good news: Rachel could not be happier with Jeremiah. She sees his skill and his passion and his ability with interior design. The bad news? There is no interior design in Rachel Zoe, Inc. Does he have a place? I guess we'll just have to wait and see. In the meantime, can someone get Jer a Xanax? And a triple shot latte? Who's your daddy?