On The Bachelor Pad Finale, The Winner Actually Loses

Well, we made it. We're at the Bachelor Pad for the very last time. Don't worry about the time you've spent here. I think Valtrex is covered by most insurance providers.  Everyone is ready for the final challenge, which will put the final two couples in the finale for the grand prize. Kasey tells us that, so far, all his predictions have come true and now he just needs to predict himself winning the $250,000 so that can come true as well. You notice how he didn't say, "so Vienna and I can win the $250,000," right? Yeah.

And what is the final challenge? Well, they have to perform on this big wall...thing. It's in Vegas and it's all very dramatic at the Cirque du Soleil set. It's 100 feet high. There are spikes. Chris Harrison, who comes out of a giant smoke monster like he's on Lost (Oh my God, are they all actually dead? Is that how Bachelor Pad will end? That would be so awesome!) tells them that what they're about to do usually takes two months of professional training. They will have 24 hours. Hey, I might be right on the money with this dead theory. If I'm right, I get a cookie.  They're going to be judged on four things: technical ability, showmanship, effort and chemistry as a couple. Whatever.

Basically, they're taught a routine by some Cirque du Soleil people and it's 50 seconds long. Then they have ten additional seconds to do...whatever they want. Most of them are scared. Graham says he's "peeing down his leg," and Michelle is nauseous, so you know their final ten seconds are really gonna be a show stopper.  Michael and Holly are having trouble synchronizing their performance because they have a lot of residual Blake tension. You see? Because this whole thing is a metaphor for being in sync with your partner! Oh, Bachelor franchise, you teach me so much about relationships.

Not gonna lie: this whole thing is pretty boring, even though they look like Power Rangers. Michael and Holly kill it (maybe they are more in sync than they think, eh eh soul mates, eh?) and Vienna and Kasey do as well. Ella and Kirk suck, as do Michelle and Graham, although I personally give the latter team bonus points for doing the snake while suspended in mid-air. The judges, who are has-been Bachelor and Bachelorette winners, decide that Holly and Michael win and Kirk and Ella are sent home. I guess battered women and fatherless children don't matter to you judges, huh? Ella sobs as she leaves. Bummer.  Michael and Holly are left with the task of choosing the final two. Ooh, juicy!  They meet first with Kasey and Vienna. Vienna warns her idiot boyfriend not to be too intense. I think that's the first time she's ever been delicate and subtle in her entire life. Of course, Kasey is completely intense and Vienna scolds him. What's the grown man do? Runs outside to pout. Awesome.

Michael and Holly meet with Michelle and Graham, and they lay it out pretty plainly: they know they could beat Kasey and Vienna, but they probably couldn't beat them. Graham? Blindsided. He is super butt hurt about the whole thing because like, he and Michael are bros (they are?) and this isn't about the money (it's not?) and then he starts like, drunkenly flailing. It's embarrassing.  The elimination is embarrassing. Did we really need two hours for this? Holly confuses the words "selflessness" and "selfishness" three times. They choose to be "selfless," and eliminate Kasey and Vienna. How tragic! Vienna sobs and sobs (heh) and Kasey comforts her. You know she's thinking how she put up with a stupid sham of a relationship and didn't get a dime.  Twice. Oh, Vienna, get a job.

But now it's time for the total time killing reunion! WILL THIS NEVER END? And immediately, we are hit with a bomb: Ames and Jackie broke up. Is there no love left in the world?! What has happened?!! I am kind of actually sad about this. Stupid show.  The reunion portion of this show goes on fucking forever. Since then, you'll be happy to know, I've married and raised three lovely children. They are triplets, which I've named Vienna, Kasey and Jake, even though they are all girls.  They're now strippers, which I suppose was inevitable, but I'm proud of my babies.  So proud!

In the meantime, on the show we are forced to rehash the fucking Jake/Vienna/Kasey thing. It's completely useless to discuss because we've discussed it ninety times already. Whatever. Then Kasey says this house ruined him and he isn't sure if he can ever get back to being happy after Bachelor Pad, a comment I'm sure Vienna loves, as they are still together.  Their relationship seems like it's crap, FYI. Then we rehash the entire Blake/Melissa/Holly thing, which is even less relevant to anything and I leave to make a sandwich, because sandwiches are delicious and this is boring. 

When I return with my tasty treat, Blake tells Chris Harrison, God and all of America that he's spoken to Holly every day since he left The Pad. And he's "madly in love" with her. And then he spills it: he and Holly are in love. She is moving across the country to move in with him. And then HOLY CRAP it gets less boring, because we cut to pre-filmed footage of Blake and Holly...getting engaged. Oh man. Of course it's on tape! Of course they are doing this to Michael on live television! This show is the WORST EVER. Because of course they bring Michael and Holly out and tell him all about it and of course he had no idea. Most. Awkward. Ever. It's painful. It's actually pretty horrible, because he has this huge phony smile on, but behind his eyes his soul is crumbling. Little bits of Michael are dying on national television. Good times.

But hey, maybe he can console himself with his share of the winnings, because naturally he and Holly win the whole thing. For those of you new to Bachelor Pad, the winning couple is chosen by all the eliminated contestants. Then they are forced, in a cruel twist, to secretly vote whether they want to split the $250,000 or keep it all for themselves. If they both say share, they split it. If one chooses "keep", but the other chooses to share, the selfish one gets it all. And if they both choose to keep it for themselves, they get nothing and $250k is split amongst all the remaining contestants. So mean, right?! But they choose to share.  Even Michael, who just got punched in the balls pretty badly. So they will share. The money. Not their lives.  No, Holly is sharing her life with Blake, where they will buy a puppy and name him Mikey. And Michael? He will cry into his $125,000 and then probably buy a hooker.

Bachelor Pad: How Not To Seduce And Other Lessons

We’re back at the Bachelor Pad, and the mood is tense. I don’t know why, but it is. They always seem a little bit like they just got out of the shock-therapy treatment room after an elimination. But whatever, everyone seems somber except Blake, who is very, very happy to be rid of Crazy Melissa. Getting involved with Melissa was “the bane of [his] existence” which isn’t really using that term correctly, but still. That was way harsh, Blake. Chris Harrison walks in and tells them they will be playing a game tomorrow and need to partner up – and that it’s extremely important that they get to know each other very well. It comes out way creepier than he probably means it.

The contestants, for the most part, are already paired off. Blake looks directly at Holly, but she pairs off with Michael. She says she’d made an agreement with him that they’d always partner up, and she’s sticking to that, despite what she might want. Obviously Kasey and Vienna are together, as are Michelle and Graham. Ella and Kirk are also “together,” which – are they a thing now? I keep forgetting who Kirk is. This leaves Princess Erica partnerless and then my God, you guys. It’s like that scene at the beginning of Forrest Gump, where he’s hobbling through the bus aisle in his leg braces and all the kids keep saying “Seat’s taken!” and “Can’t sit here!” and it’s sad, guys. It’s sad. She’s totally oblivious. Poor Blake is stuck with yet another crazy chick, but Princess Erica tells us that he’s “upgraded,” since she’s smarter and prettier than Holly. From the look on Blake’s face, he does not agree.

There’s this kind of amusing scene where they all sit and ask each other a million questions. How old were you when you had your first kiss? What’s your biggest fear? What’s your favorite color? Have you been tested recently? You know, first date talk. Blake looks at Princess Erica and says, you’ve had a lot of uh, surgery right? And she giggles and flips her hair and says no, silly! They’re injections! Oh god, kill me. Vienna and Kasey think they have this thing on lock because they’ve been together for about six months and that’s way longer than any other couple in the house – uh, except that Holly and Michael were together nearly two years. Morons. But Vienna’s all, “it’s literally impossible for us to lose!” and then she says “show me the money” and I shoot myself.

Just kidding! I would never miss The Nearly-Wed Game! Duh! This is obviously a Newlywed Game style game show where a rose is at stake. The first question asks how many dates the girls would go on before “making whoopie” and Princess Erica says three and giggles, “I’m kind of a slut!” You guys, somewhere along the line, she has become my favorite person on Bachelor Pad. How did this happen? The game starts off innocently enough, but eventually it starts getting awkward. Vienna is super pissed, because she and Kasey are losing. Badly. Kasey says that the one thing Vienna’s ex-boyfriends would miss the most about her is her teeth. Seriously, Kasey is such a fucking weirdo. Then things start to come out that no one’s really said out loud – Holly would sleep with Blake. Michael dislikes Blake most in the house. Blake would kiss Holly over any other girl. You get the picture, right? If you don’t, it’s of a triangle. But wait, there’s more! No one likes Blake! He and the Princess know that without these roses, they’re fucked.

They are neck and neck with Michelle and Graham, who are doing surprisingly well for people who barely know each other. When the question of loss of virginity comes up, Graham answers that he was seven years old. Gross. Then Michelle gets the point, answering with seven. This is when everyone realizes that they are cheating. Every numerical answer, they give seven. Every question about a female in the house, they say Holly. Every gender neutral question, they say Michael. And so on. Smart! Devious! People are angry. And then they win. Ha! Hilarity. They get the immunity roses and a date. Blake and Princess Erica, as runners-up, also get a date but Blake knows that this was the nail in his coffin.

Graham and Michelle go on a date in a helicopter. What is up with the Bachelor franchise and helicopters? I mean, honestly, does the producer’s nephew own a helicopter company or something? They are taking it to the movies, for Christ’s sake. Dates on this show are so boring when there’s no drama. Blah blah blah, they are “so lucky” and this is “perfect” and “unreal". It’s much more interesting back at the Pad, where Kasey is steaming mad that Vienna refuses to have sex with him. They run around fighting loudly, letting everyone know exactly what they are fighting about. It’s great. You won’t have sex with me, but you said you would! I don’t want to have sex with you! Then don’t say you will! No means no, Kasey! (Yes, she really says that). Kasey mentions to her how she’s never had trouble saying no to men in the past. Amazing. There’s also some drama with Blake and Erica, mainly that Blake won’t stop flirting with Holly. Princess Erica seems annoyed that it’s increasing her chances of going home, but she seems more annoyed that Blake doesn’t immediately want to fuck her now that they are “partners.”

So what’s she gonna do? Seduce him, of course! Because nothing is more seductive than huge collagen-filled duck lips puckering at you as her tiara sparkles in the moonlight. In the previous scene, she’d railed on Vienna for acting trashy, but now she’s telling us all about the sexy lingerie she brought with her and how she’s “really horny,” and hopes she “ends up in the missionary position” that night. Oh my God, she is such a train wreck. On her date, she tells Blake that she consulted her astrologist, whose name is Herb, and he said she’d be in the final two. All the while, her hand is creeping up the inside of his thigh. She says shit like they should stay and “just do whatever” to “relieve the tension.” Man, it’s desperate. Blake keeps politely declining, saying it will make him look even worse if he stays overnight with another girl (valid) but the Princess is persistent, dude. She and Kasey should hook up, because neither of them get that no means no. Why is this episode of Bachelor Pad like an anti-date rape PSA? Lord.

Years pass and they are still arguing over whether or not to fuck. Honestly, this is ridiculous. Blake tries to point out the multitude of reasons why this is creepy and wrong, and finally Princess Erica tells him his attitude is “a total turn-off.” Shockingly, all this seduction ends up not working. He storms off. Something tells me Blake might leave this game gay after dealing with Melissa, Erica and Holly. He is so upset, they don’t even get the chance to strategize their “mission,” which was given to them on the date. They have two roses and must save one couple. This won’t bring immunity for them, but it does bring them power and influence.

They get together the next day and do some real strategizing. Just kidding, they fuck everything up! Because they can’t give themselves the roses, and Michelle and Graham already have roses, they need to either save Ella/Kirk, Vienna/Kasey or Holly/Michael. They introduce the idea to both Ella/Kirk and Vienna/Kasey (I guess they realized that Michael was probably not a good bet in their favor). As usual, the voting process goes on for a zillion years, so let me break it down for you:

• Kirk and Ella say they will do everything they can to save Blake and Erica if they get the roses.
• Kasey and Vienna say they will do everything they can to save Blake and Erica if they get the roses.
• Everyone on the planet knows that Kasey and Vienna are lying.
• Blake and Erica give them the roses anyway.
• Ella cries a lot.
• Kasey, Vienna, Michelle and Graham all vote Blake and Erica out.
• Michael wants Blake out, Holly wants Blake in. Michael leaves it up to her.
• Holly cries a lot.
• Holly stays true to her word to Michael and sends Blake and Erica home.
• Holly slips Blake a note on his way out saying they aren’t over.
• Erica boozes in the limo that this is a huge injustice. 
• Shelly cries a lot.

I will miss you, Princess!

Bachelor Pad Recap: Kasey and Crying and Kissing Are All Part Of The Game

This week’s Bachelor Pad begins right where we left off last week, with Chris Harrison saying Kasey’s name. Aaaaaaand the game is over for Jake Pavelka, who feels the need to give a nice pep talk to the remaining contestants. I will say, even though Jake is a huge tool bag (Really? He tells Kasey it was “amazing” to meet him?) he has some good advice – take out the power couples. Anyone who watched last season will know, the only way to stay in the game successfully is to pair up, and the tightest couple in the house is clearly Kasey and Vienna. So…you might be a total ass wad, Mr. Pavelka, but you have a point.

Kasey, however, is elated. He is so glad to be able to show “who the bigger man is” and that “the devil is gone.” It’s “freaking awesome” and he has “a euphoric sensation all over his body,” which…TMI, dude.  So he has a huge boner about the whole thing and so does Vienna, but there are a few people who aren’t quite so excited.  Princess Erica is super pissed and Ella is tired of Kasey and Vienna’s smug attitude.

Also, randomly, Kasey keeps saying he is the strongest “strategist” but he pronounces it “stra-tee-gist” instead of “strah-te-gist,” and it just keeps making me think of Will Ferrell’s impression of George W. Bush. He has excellent strategery, people.  

Anyways! Vienna knows how close the vote was between Kasey and Jake, and she probably also knows that if Kasey leaves, she has no prayer of winning a dime. She says their plan is to keep an alliance with Michael, Holly, Graham, Michelle, Kirk and Ella – the rest are “expendable.”  Then Chris Harrison comes in and announces that it’s time for the “second annual Bachelor Pad kissing competition,” like we’ve been on the edge of our seats waiting for them all to get cold sores. Yay! Half of the competitors immediately say they aren’t doing it because they’re in relationships, they have kids at home, or they simply value not having mouth herpes. But then everyone does it anyway, save Michelle Money who really does seem to have some sort of respect for her daughter. Sort of. Except she’s on this show. And last week she made out with Graham. And there was that whole season where she went at Brad Womack like a cat in heat. So, whatever. Morals!

One of the most chaste parts of the competition was when Holly got kissed by the men, because they all have respect for Michael. Except Blake, who effing goes for it.  Ballsy! No one wants to kiss Vienna out of the same “respect” for Kasey, but probably because she’s super fugly.  Princess Erica reminds us again how great her lips are because of her collagen injections, but the men don’t seem to agree. Neither does Chris Harrison, if you check out that picture above. And then there’s Kasey…oh, Kasey. Maybe he was too busy guarding and protecting Vienna’s heart to pop a Tic Tac, because all the women complain about his bad breath. Gross. Vienna can barely watch, likely out of embarrassment.  Ella and Blake each win by a landslide, which I suppose is a good thing? For them? Being a good kisser is nice, I suppose. It’s hard to consider achievements on this show as tokens of pride.

This week, it’s “romantic one-on-one dates” rather than groups, and there is an immunity rose up for grabs at each. Ella chooses to go on a date with Kirk and there’s a fancy red sports car and it’s all good until Ella tells the horrible story again about how she and her sister watched her step-father murder their mother, which I just. God. She wants to use the money to open domestic violence shelter for women, so both Kirk and Shelly are now officially Team Ella, FYI. Kirk wants to support her and then there’s a hot air balloon and kissing and duh, he gets the rose.

Crazy Melissa is immediately on top of Blake all, “Take me! Take me! Take me on the date I love you let’s make crazy-eyed babies while my uterus still works!” and shit, but he obviously wants to take Holly.  Don’t hate the player, hate the game, guys.  Blake tries to feel out the situation and Crazy Melissa’s eyes start to turn red and her head spins and Blake realizes he’s totally screwed.  It takes maybe five more minutes for Princess Erica to slut herself all over Blake in attempt for a new alliance.  She brings up some valid points, like how completely unstable Melissa is and how if he takes Holly, he will make a lot of enemies and potentially go home, but there’s all this massaging and rubbing and she tells him she’ll do “anything he wants.” It’s really creepy to watch.

But despite all the warning signs, Blake chooses Holly. Blake = still ballsy!  Crazy Melissa immediately starts in on him and demands an explanation. His response is, I quote: “I…um. Um.” Ballsy, but perhaps not eloquent.  Crazy Melissa is much better with her words in a hysterical fit, calling Holly a “slutty ass bitch,” and Blake a “sociopath.”   While I was watching this, I had a feeling she’d go home, but I really would’ve liked her to stick around.  Crazy Melissa is fun! Naturally, she runs around shit-talking her little heart out, cruelly telling Michael that Holly doesn’t give a damn about him, demanding that Holly turn down the date, suggesting to the film crew that ABC kick Blake off the show for being such a lying jerk. Lord. It’s all completely batshit, because she acts like Holly is going out with her boyfriend. Did he play her? Yeah. Are they actually dating? No. Michael is clearly hurt, but handles it like a champ and he and Holly were engaged and he still loves her. I mean. Ya know? “Would you flirt with Kasey in front of Vienna?” Melissa hollers at Holly, who delicately responds that Vienna and Kasey are in a serious relationship, unlike Melissa and Blake. Melissa, see, is just seriously delusional.

Blake and Holly’s date is pretty standard, as the Bachelor franchise goes. There’s skiing and giggling and kissing and fireplaces and blah, blah, they like each other. It’s pretty boring, but kind of  painful when you think about Michael at home last night, hearing Holly say how into Blake she is, how she’s never been on a date this amazing, how she hasn’t thought about Michael once all day. Ouch.  Eventually, she and Blake have a heart to heart, where Holly seems to be very confused. She says “things have changed” with Michael, meaning there might still be something there, but then she stays overnight with Blake and it’s pretty damn romantic. Poor Michael is at home, staring blankly into the fireplace in shirtless despair while Holly gets the rose.

Holly and Blake do their walk of shame home, and Michael is flipping out. It doesn’t help that Crazy Melissa is in his ear, literally implying that Blake probably got Holly drunk and date raped her. Cute. This Michael being sad thing goes on forever. He loves her. He wants her back. She totes hooked up with Blake last night. It’s all awkward! And painful. He pours his heart out and she admits, “we kissed,” and he looks completely devastated. Like, completely and utterly devastated, and they can’t possibly expect us to believe Holly and Blake only kissed that night. But regardless, Michael wants her back and Holly is confused and she took his poor little heart and tore it out and stomped on it with this overnight date. It’s a very messy situation when two people clearly still have genuine feelings for each other, but are afraid to try again. It’s hard in real life. But Michael and Holly are tying to work it all out on a reality game show. So…yeah.

On the night of voting, Godfather Kasey is back. It seems fairly unanimous that people want Kasey and Vienna out. But then Kasey flutters around like a creepy, slow-talking hummingbird, chirping at everyone about how he needs their vote, he’s with them, his dying grandmother needs the money, which is a new fucking low, even for Kasey. This guy, man. What a fucking creep.  Vienna truly has the most repulsive taste in men.

It looks bad for Melissa, obviously, due to how she is completely mentally unstable. If it’s not Kasey it looks like William will go home. Why? Well, have I mentioned one thing at all about William? At all? No, no I haven’t. He’s irrelevant. Crazy Melissa scares the crap out of everyone, begging for votes, and everyone lies through their teeth that their vote went to Erica. It’s really sad.  Like, she’s crazy and all, but man. Man. She’s like, hyperventilating and crying and she knows she is royally fucked.  Which of course she is. Melissa and William are out.  William is bummed and Melissa actually leaves with decorum, waiting until she’s in the limo to sob. I guess she’d worn herself out with the previous 48 straight hours of tantrums.  After this episode, I’m pretty worn out myself.

"He's Got Alligator Blood" - A Bachelor Pad Recap

You know that scene in A Clockwork Orange, where they take Alex and pry his eyes open, forcing him to watch a rapid series of nonsensical, yet terribly disturbing, images? And eventually, they break him and he can’t take it anymore? He has no idea what’s happening, he just wants the flashes of horrible pain to stop – and they won’t, they don’t stop until he’s lost and confused and left in despair. Trapped. Imprisoned. And then he thinks, I’m okay. I don’t need that! But after much time, he finds himself going back to his old ways, anxious for more violent flashes of disturbing behavior.

That’s what watching Bachelor Pad is like. 

So much happens on this effing show, I don’t even know what to say or where to begin. Let’s give it a shot.

Crazy Melissa is mad because she thinks Blake is leading her on. He is, by the way, and he’s interested in Holly.  Holly’s kind of into it, but she’s also kind of not over her ex-fiance Michael, who broods around still in love with her like a sad little puppy dog. Crazy Melissa is not having it, though. She points her finger and her crazy eyes at Blake and I don’t know if anyone remembers Melissa from Brad’s season of The Bachelor, where she had a really bizarre fight with contestant Raichel and then got sent home for, well, being crazy? It's like that. Blake seems concerned for his safety. But even though no one likes Melissa and generally thinks she’s loony tunes (the word “batshit” is used at least fourteen times) Blake is afraid he will be sent home. But have no fear, Blake, because there are way bigger scumbags than you in The Pad. Namely Jake and Kasey.

Kasey and Vienna are fighting a lot. This is probably because they don’t actually love each other, although according to Kasey it’s because Vienna is being “cordial” to Jake. According to Vienna it’s because Kasey isn’t “protecting her” like he said he would. Maybe if he flexed his creepy tattoo at her, she’s see how hard he was trying.  See, ‘cause it’s a heart. And when he flexes, it looks like it’s beating and…oh, never mind.  They fight a lot. Kasey tells us how “stupid” his girlfriend is and how she is a “total fame whore” and then says he loves her more than anything in the same breath.  Then, in perhaps one of the best Kasey-isms of the night, he tells Vienna, “I get that he physically and mentally abused you, but that was like, a year ago…get over it.” True love! So tender.

There is a ridiculous synchronized swimming routine challenge. Everyone expects the girls to kill it, because they are pretty and lithe and cheerleaders and totally have that white girl rhythm. Of course, they suck. The men, however, may have found their calling. Michael and Michelle win and there are dates and Michelle likes Graham and things are still awkward with Holly and Michael and no one cares.  Oh, and Brett Michaels shows up and sings “Every Rose Has Its Thorn", likely because it has “rose” in the title. I’d feel bad for him, but at least he got to leave afterward.

Meanwhile, Princess Erica (who is still wearing a tiara and carrying around a crystal gavel like someone on furlough from the mental ward) has decided she likes Jake. How unpredictable! They shall secretly cuddle and make out and form a secret black ops mission to get Kasey kicked off. Obviously it’s between Kasey and Jake this week. Obviously, Chris Harrison has a “surprise” announcement that no girls will go home. Man, this show. Full of shocking moments.  So Princess Erica and Jake kiss a lot and the microphone is way too close to their mouths and I vomit a little.  But I’m sure it was a nice kiss, because Princess Erica informs us that she is “a good kisser” and has “really nice lips which [she] maintains with getting injections every six months.” Yep.

Speaking of hot romance, it’s Kasey and Vienna’s six month anniversary and even though they don’t seem to like each other at all, he gives her a ring. She almost goes into convulsions until she realizes it’s not an engagement ring, just “a promise.” Then he sings to her. He fucking sings, an original fucking song about how he was just sitting there on their anniversary and gave her a promise ring. He literally sings a song about what just actually happened literally seconds ago, except it kind of rhymes, so you know he actually worked on it in advance, and I am not a religious person but I was just praying God, please. Make it stop. Please make it stop! Remember when he sang to Ali and it was HORRIBLE and EVERYONE WEPT and then she left him abandoned on a frozen mountaintop because she JUST COULD NOT COPE? You don’t?! Well shit.

So then, all kinds of jumbled crap happens where Jake is trying to form an alliance with Crazy Michelle but also with Princess Erica, and there’s spying and Crazy Melissa freaks out and cries like, three times, and then the entire Pad is split. Will it be Jake or Kasey who goes home? As Jake homosexually puts it, “Tonight is between Kasey and I and things are…tight.”

And then we’re at the end of this Clockwork Orange-esque psychological experiment. Or are we? Chris Harrison comes out, and it’s down to Jake and Kasey. Chris slowly says’s Kasey’s name…and the screen goes black. Is he in? Is he out? We don’t know! Chris Harrison, you trickster!

Bachelor Pad: Ames Puts Warmth Back Into Our Cold, Dead Hearts

Remember how I said that Bachelor Pad would not fail to bring the drama? Well, shit.

Last night's episode had a little bit of everything.  There was backstabbing. There was backstabbing into the backs of the backstabbers. And then some more backstabbing just for good measure. Kasey ruled over it all, like the Godfather of Guarding and Protecting Hearts, granting favors and making deals every which way. Jake begged. Gia fled in tears. Blake two-timed crazy-eyed Melissa with Holly. Oh, and let's not forget that whole game where all the boys pelted Erica in the back with eggs because they think she's ugly. Yeah.

So it seems, Bachelor Pad is the land where humanity went to die, right?  Abandon hope all ye who enter The Pad, yada yada? Well, not if Ames Brown has anything to say about it.

Of all the stupid-ass things Ashley Herbert did in last season's Bachelorette, the dumbest one was sending Ames home. And yes, I am including The Bentley Thing in this equation. Ames is sweet, charming, romantic, interesting, well-traveled, well-read and kind of cute. Every single girl I know, myself included, would basically kill for an Ames.

But Ashley's loss was Jackie Gordon's gain. They met at The Pad and quickly fell for each other. They've been inseparable. Cartoon hearts appear when they kiss. I think cute little birds dress them in the morning.

When Jackie was eliminated from Bachelor Pad last night, Ames was devastated. So much so that he left the entire competition, saying to hell with this show and to hell with $250.000 - he was in love. In a scene that could melt even the coldest of Bachelor Pad contestants' hearts, he ran after her limo and got inside, leaving the show behind for good. He turned to Jackie and said, "I think it's fair to say we won Bachelor Pad 2." Let's all say it together: awwwww!

You can watch the entire aww-worthy moment here:

Bachelor Pad Premieres And Officially Becomes My New Favorite Show

We all know how excited I was for the second season of ABC's herpes-ridden train wreck Bachelor Pad, right? Spoiler: I was so excited. And when it premiered last night in three glorious hours of trash, it did not disappoint. This just might be the show of the summer, folks. Take that, The Voice.

First of all, they spend a good 45 minutes showing Vienna Girardi losing her shit because she thinks her ex-fiance Jake Pavelka might show up. This might have been suspenseful if we hadn't been seeing previews for weeks of, ya know, her ex-fiance Jake Pavelka showing up. But whatever. Hilarious.

There's a girl who I don't recognize, Erica Rose, from Bachelor 9, who legitimately refers to herself as a "Princess Erica" and wears an effing tiara. She hooks up with someone (forgive me, I can't tell most of the Ken dolls apart yet - I want to say Blake?) and he regrets it so much, you guys. So, so much. The beer goggles will get you every time.

Then they "compete" for immunity by simulating sex in some weird swing humping bungee thing, where they have to clamp down their thighs around each other for dear life. Of course it comes down to Jake and his partner vs. Vienna and her boyfriend Kasey Kahl, who just wants to guard and protect her heart, of course. And maybe also punch Jake in the throat. Jake wins, gets another immunity rose, and then in a crazy twist of events, gives the rose to Vienna as a peace offering. You guys. You guys.

In the end, Justin "Rated R" Rego and Alli Travis (yeah, I don't know who she was, either) were eliminated for being pretty bad at the whole 'play both sides' strategy. Alli cries and we instantly forget all about her, but Rated R goes out with class, cussing everyone out, refusing to shake hands, and then stealing Jake's rose. Brava, Rated R. Brava.

Even for three hours, they really packed in the drama, and beyond the Vienna/Jake saga, I feel like we have a lot to look forward to this season. Just about everyone seemed apathetic in their "quest for love" and was pretty upfront about being there for the $250,000.

I think the most delightful part of the show, however, was how funny Kasey Kahl ended up being. How about some choice Kasey-isms?

On Jake: "I wanna take my Jake and wipe my Pavelka."
On Rated R's exit: "Have fun wrestling other dudes back in Canada."
On how awesome he is: "I am a Jedi master. I am a Jedi genius master."

Vienna, you're a lucky girl.

How Excited Am I For Bachelor Pad? So Excited.

Tonight, Ashley Herbert will choose her ex-fiance, but as I've mentioned before, this season of The Bachelorette has been a total snoozefest. What I really cannot wait for - and admit it, neither can you - is the disgusting, STD-infested Bachelor Pad, a disease ridden cesspool of fame mongering wannabes, where we welcome back Bachelor/ette cast-offs, heart breakers and sob stories for one more chance at money. Oh, I mean love. Definitely for a chance at love.

Last night's episode of The Bachelorette: The Men Rehash All The Shit We've Seen Fifty Times, viewers got a super exciting extendo-trailer for the Pad, and boy was it a doozy. Among the returning contestants are Justin "Rated R" Rego, the entertainment wrestler who runs away from the camera when things get rough, Michelle Money, who wakes up with mysterious black eyes, Kasey Kahl, who just wants to guard and protect your heart, and Ashley's most recent send-off Ames Brown.

Not a bad start. But the real draw is of course the surprise reunion of Jake Pavelka and Vienna Girardi. Two of the most loathsome people to ever grace your television, back again to make us laugh, cry and throw up a little in our mouths. I love it.  In the trailer, Jake seems genuinely baffled that people have a not-so-nice opinion of him. Now, how on Earth did that happen?


In typical Bachelor fashion, the season premiere next Monday is like, fourteen hours long, so they better pack in the drama. If you're curious, ABC has helpfully created a chronological hook-up chart, where they track the spread of herpes from patient X all the way to poor, poor Ames.  You can read all about it and then destroy a couple of braincells by watching the trailer here: