Bachelor Pad Premieres And Officially Becomes My New Favorite Show

We all know how excited I was for the second season of ABC's herpes-ridden train wreck Bachelor Pad, right? Spoiler: I was so excited. And when it premiered last night in three glorious hours of trash, it did not disappoint. This just might be the show of the summer, folks. Take that, The Voice.

First of all, they spend a good 45 minutes showing Vienna Girardi losing her shit because she thinks her ex-fiance Jake Pavelka might show up. This might have been suspenseful if we hadn't been seeing previews for weeks of, ya know, her ex-fiance Jake Pavelka showing up. But whatever. Hilarious.

There's a girl who I don't recognize, Erica Rose, from Bachelor 9, who legitimately refers to herself as a "Princess Erica" and wears an effing tiara. She hooks up with someone (forgive me, I can't tell most of the Ken dolls apart yet - I want to say Blake?) and he regrets it so much, you guys. So, so much. The beer goggles will get you every time.

Then they "compete" for immunity by simulating sex in some weird swing humping bungee thing, where they have to clamp down their thighs around each other for dear life. Of course it comes down to Jake and his partner vs. Vienna and her boyfriend Kasey Kahl, who just wants to guard and protect her heart, of course. And maybe also punch Jake in the throat. Jake wins, gets another immunity rose, and then in a crazy twist of events, gives the rose to Vienna as a peace offering. You guys. You guys.

In the end, Justin "Rated R" Rego and Alli Travis (yeah, I don't know who she was, either) were eliminated for being pretty bad at the whole 'play both sides' strategy. Alli cries and we instantly forget all about her, but Rated R goes out with class, cussing everyone out, refusing to shake hands, and then stealing Jake's rose. Brava, Rated R. Brava.

Even for three hours, they really packed in the drama, and beyond the Vienna/Jake saga, I feel like we have a lot to look forward to this season. Just about everyone seemed apathetic in their "quest for love" and was pretty upfront about being there for the $250,000.

I think the most delightful part of the show, however, was how funny Kasey Kahl ended up being. How about some choice Kasey-isms?

On Jake: "I wanna take my Jake and wipe my Pavelka."
On Rated R's exit: "Have fun wrestling other dudes back in Canada."
On how awesome he is: "I am a Jedi master. I am a Jedi genius master."

Vienna, you're a lucky girl.