And what is the final challenge? Well, they have to perform on this big wall...thing. It's in Vegas and it's all very dramatic at the Cirque du Soleil
set. It's 100 feet high. There are spikes. Chris Harrison, who comes out of a giant smoke monster like he's on Lost
(Oh my God, are they all actually dead? Is that how Bachelor Pad will end? That would be so awesome!) tells them that what they're about to do usually takes two months of professional training. They will have 24 hours. Hey, I might be right on the money with this dead theory. If I'm right, I get a cookie. They're going to be judged on four things: technical ability, showmanship, effort and chemistry as a couple. Whatever.
Basically, they're taught a routine by some Cirque du Soleil people and it's 50 seconds long. Then they have ten additional seconds to do...whatever they want. Most of them are scared. Graham says he's "peeing down his leg," and Michelle is nauseous, so you know their final ten seconds are really gonna be a show stopper. Michael and Holly are having trouble synchronizing their performance because they have a lot of residual Blake tension. You see? Because this whole thing is a metaphor for being in sync with your partner! Oh, Bachelor franchise, you teach me so much about relationships.
Not gonna lie: this whole thing is pretty boring, even though they look like Power Rangers
. Michael and Holly kill it (maybe they are more in sync than they think, eh eh soul mates, eh?) and Vienna and Kasey do as well. Ella and Kirk suck, as do Michelle and Graham, although I personally give the latter team bonus points for doing the snake while suspended in mid-air. The judges, who are has-been Bachelor and Bachelorette winners, decide that Holly and Michael win and Kirk and Ella are sent home. I guess battered women and fatherless children don't matter to you judges, huh? Ella sobs as she leaves. Bummer. Michael and Holly are left with the task of choosing the final two. Ooh, juicy! They meet first with Kasey and Vienna. Vienna warns her idiot boyfriend not to be too intense. I think that's the first time she's ever been delicate and subtle in her entire life. Of course, Kasey is completely intense and Vienna scolds him. What's the grown man do? Runs outside to pout. Awesome. Michael and Holly meet with Michelle and Graham, and they lay it out pretty plainly: they know they could beat Kasey and Vienna, but they probably couldn't beat them. Graham? Blindsided. He is super butt hurt about the whole thing because like, he and Michael are bros (they are?) and this isn't about the money (it's not?) and then he starts like, drunkenly flailing. It's embarrassing. The elimination is embarrassing. Did we really need two hours for this? Holly confuses the words "selflessness" and "selfishness" three times. They choose to be "selfless," and eliminate Kasey and Vienna. How tragic! Vienna sobs and sobs (heh) and Kasey comforts her. You know she's thinking how she put up with a stupid sham of a relationship and didn't get a dime. Twice. Oh, Vienna, get a job.
But now it's time for the total time killing reunion! WILL THIS NEVER END? And immediately, we are hit with a bomb: Ames and Jackie broke up. Is there no love left in the world?! What has happened?!! I am kind of actually sad about this. Stupid show. The reunion portion of this show goes on fucking forever. Since then, you'll be happy to know, I've married and raised three lovely children. They are triplets, which I've named Vienna, Kasey and Jake, even though they are all girls. They're now strippers, which I suppose was inevitable, but I'm proud of my babies. So proud!
In the meantime, on the show we are forced to rehash the fucking Jake/Vienna/Kasey thing. It's completely useless to discuss because we've discussed it ninety times already. Whatever. Then Kasey says this house ruined him and he isn't sure if he can ever get back to being happy after Bachelor Pad, a comment I'm sure Vienna loves, as they are still together. Their relationship seems like it's crap, FYI. Then we rehash the entire Blake/Melissa/Holly thing, which is even less relevant to anything and I leave to make a sandwich, because sandwiches are delicious and this is boring.
When I return with my tasty treat, Blake tells Chris Harrison, God and all of America that he's spoken to Holly every day since he left The Pad. And he's "madly in love" with her. And then he spills it: he and Holly are in love. She is moving across the country to move in with him. And then HOLY CRAP it gets less boring, because we cut to pre-filmed footage of Blake and Holly...getting engaged. Oh man. Of course it's on tape! Of course they are doing this to Michael on live television! This show is the WORST EVER. Because of course they bring Michael and Holly out and tell him all about it and of course he had no idea. Most. Awkward. Ever. It's painful. It's actually pretty horrible, because he has this huge phony smile on, but behind his eyes his soul is crumbling. Little bits of Michael are dying on national television. Good times.
But hey, maybe he can console himself with his share of the winnings, because naturally he and Holly win the whole thing. For those of you new to Bachelor Pad, the winning couple is chosen by all the eliminated contestants. Then they are forced, in a cruel twist, to secretly vote whether they want to split the $250,000 or keep it all for themselves. If they both say share, they split it. If one chooses "keep", but the other chooses to share, the selfish one gets it all. And if they both choose to keep it for themselves, they get nothing and $250k is split amongst all the remaining contestants. So mean, right?! But they choose to share. Even Michael, who just got punched in the balls pretty badly. So they will share. The money. Not their lives. No, Holly is sharing her life with Blake, where they will buy a puppy and name him Mikey. And Michael? He will cry into his $125,000 and then probably buy a hooker.
