We’re back at the Bachelor Pad, and the mood is tense. I don’t know why, but it is. They always seem a little bit like they just got out of the shock-therapy treatment room after an elimination. But whatever, everyone seems somber except Blake, who is very, very happy to be rid of Crazy Melissa. Getting involved with Melissa was “the bane of [his] existence” which isn’t really using that term correctly, but still. That was way harsh, Blake. Chris Harrison walks in and tells them they will be playing a game tomorrow and need to partner up – and that it’s extremely important that they get to know each other very well. It comes out way creepier than he probably means it.
The contestants, for the most part, are already paired off. Blake looks directly at Holly, but she pairs off with Michael. She says she’d made an agreement with him that they’d always partner up, and she’s sticking to that, despite what she might want. Obviously Kasey and Vienna are together, as are Michelle and Graham. Ella and Kirk are also “together,” which – are they a thing now? I keep forgetting who Kirk is. This leaves Princess Erica partnerless and then my God, you guys. It’s like that scene at the beginning of Forrest Gump
, where he’s hobbling through the bus aisle in his leg braces and all the kids keep saying “Seat’s taken!” and “Can’t sit here!” and it’s sad, guys. It’s sad. She’s totally oblivious. Poor Blake is stuck with yet another crazy chick, but Princess Erica tells us that he’s “upgraded,” since she’s smarter and prettier than Holly. From the look on Blake’s face, he does not agree. There’s this kind of amusing scene where they all sit and ask each other a million questions. How old were you when you had your first kiss? What’s your biggest fear? What’s your favorite color? Have you been tested recently? You know, first date talk. Blake looks at Princess Erica and says, you’ve had a lot of uh, surgery right? And she giggles and flips her hair and says no, silly! They’re injections! Oh god, kill me. Vienna and Kasey think they have this thing on lock because they’ve been together for about six months and that’s way longer than any other couple in the house – uh, except that Holly and Michael were together nearly two years. Morons. But Vienna’s all, “it’s literally impossible for us to lose!” and then she says “show me the money” and I shoot myself.
Just kidding! I would never miss The Nearly-Wed Game! Duh! This is obviously a Newlywed Game
style game show where a rose is at stake. The first question asks how many dates the girls would go on before “making whoopie” and Princess Erica says three and giggles, “I’m kind of a slut!” You guys, somewhere along the line, she has become my favorite person on Bachelor Pad. How did this happen? The game starts off innocently enough, but eventually it starts getting awkward. Vienna is super pissed, because she and Kasey are losing. Badly. Kasey says that the one thing Vienna’s ex-boyfriends would miss the most about her is her teeth. Seriously, Kasey is such a fucking weirdo. Then things start to come out that no one’s really said out loud – Holly would sleep with Blake. Michael dislikes Blake most in the house. Blake would kiss Holly over any other girl. You get the picture, right? If you don’t, it’s of a triangle. But wait, there’s more! No one likes Blake! He and the Princess know that without these roses, they’re fucked.
Graham and Michelle go on a date in a helicopter. What is up with the Bachelor franchise and helicopters? I mean, honestly, does the producer’s nephew own a helicopter company or something? They are taking it to the movies, for Christ’s sake. Dates on this show are so boring when there’s no drama. Blah blah blah, they are “so lucky” and this is “perfect” and “unreal". It’s much more interesting back at the Pad, where Kasey is steaming mad that Vienna refuses to have sex with him. They run around fighting loudly, letting everyone know exactly what they are fighting about. It’s great. You won’t have sex with me, but you said you would! I don’t want to have sex with you! Then don’t say you will! No means no, Kasey! (Yes, she really says that). Kasey mentions to her how she’s never had trouble saying no to men in the past. Amazing. There’s also some drama with Blake and Erica, mainly that Blake won’t stop flirting with Holly. Princess Erica seems annoyed that it’s increasing her chances of going home, but she seems more annoyed that Blake doesn’t immediately want to fuck her now that they are “partners.”
So what’s she gonna do? Seduce him, of course! Because nothing is more seductive than huge collagen-filled duck lips puckering at you as her tiara sparkles in the moonlight. In the previous scene, she’d railed on Vienna for acting trashy, but now she’s telling us all about the sexy lingerie she brought with her and how she’s “really horny,” and hopes she “ends up in the missionary position” that night. Oh my God, she is such a train wreck. On her date, she tells Blake that she consulted her astrologist, whose name is Herb, and he said she’d be in the final two. All the while, her hand is creeping up the inside of his thigh. She says shit like they should stay and “just do whatever” to “relieve the tension.” Man, it’s desperate. Blake keeps politely declining, saying it will make him look even worse if he stays overnight with another girl (valid) but the Princess is persistent, dude. She and Kasey should hook up, because neither of them get that no means no. Why is this episode of Bachelor Pad like an anti-date rape PSA? Lord.
Years pass and they are still arguing over whether or not to fuck. Honestly, this is ridiculous. Blake tries to point out the multitude of reasons why this is creepy and wrong, and finally Princess Erica tells him his attitude is “a total turn-off.” Shockingly, all this seduction ends up not working. He storms off. Something tells me Blake might leave this game gay after dealing with Melissa, Erica and Holly. He is so upset, they don’t even get the chance to strategize their “mission,” which was given to them on the date. They have two roses and must save one couple. This won’t bring immunity for them, but it does bring them power and influence.
They get together the next day and do some real strategizing. Just kidding, they fuck everything up! Because they can’t give themselves the roses, and Michelle and Graham already have roses, they need to either save Ella/Kirk, Vienna/Kasey or Holly/Michael. They introduce the idea to both Ella/Kirk and Vienna/Kasey (I guess they realized that Michael was probably not a good bet in their favor). As usual, the voting process goes on for a zillion years, so let me break it down for you:
- Kirk and Ella say they will do everything they can to save Blake and Erica if they get the roses.
- Kasey and Vienna say they will do everything they can to save Blake and Erica if they get the roses.
- Everyone on the planet knows that Kasey and Vienna are lying.
- Blake and Erica give them the roses anyway.
- Ella cries a lot.
- Kasey, Vienna, Michelle and Graham all vote Blake and Erica out.
- Michael wants Blake out, Holly wants Blake in. Michael leaves it up to her.
- Holly cries a lot.
- Holly stays true to her word to Michael and sends Blake and Erica home.
- Holly slips Blake a note on his way out saying they aren’t over.
- Erica boozes in the limo that this is a huge injustice.
- Shelly cries a lot.
I will miss you, Princess!
