Kim Kardashian Is Not Black, But Also Has A Booty, Or: Last Night On H8R

Look, I know I said I was breaking up with H8R because it's awful and basically just reminds you how completely void of intelligence or worth most people on reality television are - especially you, Mario Lopez! Man, he bugs me. But last night's episode featured Kim Kardashian and I just could not resist.

So, Kim K's hater has like, an endless supply of material against Kim Kardashian, right? Her self-centered reality series, her useless products, her inability to stop fame whoring all over the place, her loathsome family (especially her mother's pimp-sploitation of all her young daughters for profit), her utter lack of any discernible talent...I could go on.

But this girl - and it must be said for the story's sake that she is an African American girl with a nice body - hates her...because of her booty. Or, to be more specific, because Kim Kardashian has a curvy body with a big ass and black men find this attractive. Kim's even had the nerve to date black men, even though she is not black herself. How dare she not be a racist!  I cannot believe Kim doesn't exclusively date people of her own race. I mean, shit. Why doesn't she just think of all people as equals or something? How disgusting! What's more, each black guy she dates? She is stealing them from black girls. It's so, so wrong what Kim Kardashian is doing, you guys. And now she's gone and married someone who is only half-Caucasian. It's sick. That other half of Kris Humphries could be with a black chick right now if it wasn't for Kim K!

Kim tries to explain to this ignorant piece of poo that she is Armenian and in her culture, women are also known to have curvy bodies - and moreover, that black women do not have the corner on the booty market. As an Italian woman, I hear ya, sister Kim! But this chick takes a while to convince. It turns out that Kim has been to Africa three times you guys, plus she helped Hurricane Katrina victims who were like, also black. This apparently makes it alright for her to date black men, despite her fake ass Armenian non-black booty.  I mean, it's great that she gives back to the black community, and that she provides aide in Africa, but I don't really think she was doing it so she had "permission" to date black dudes, ya know? Wow, just. Wow. 

The first half of the episode, if you're curious, was with the completely vile Joe Francis of "Girls Gone Wild" fame, who managed to convince a middle-aged mother of a teenage daughter that he is not, in fact, exploiting women. He was wrongfully accused of a crime, you know? And like, he doesn't care about material possessions at all. Not one of the 37 luxury cars on his estate matter to him! Plus, he paid a blonde model to say he was totally respectful, and if some random bimbo says it, he must be the real deal. This I guess either proves that everyone on this show, be it celebrity or "hater" actually is completely void of any intelligence or worth, or this show is just one big hoax where all of Mario Lopez's asshole friends come on and try to get themselves some image PR. I'm guessing the second. No for real this time, I'm breaking up with H8R.

Scott Disick Goes On Yet Another Reality Show To Act Like An A-Hole

After our short time together, I think I might have to break up with H8R. I was thinking it might be the best new bad show on television, but after watching last night's episode I think it's just kind of...annoying. It's like when you're invited to a party and you feel like you have to go. But the thing is, you don't like most of the people who will be attending this party. But you go anyway and spend the entire night, surrounded by assholes you don't like, regretting that you even showed up. You should have known better! That, in essence, is what watching H8R is like.

Last night, Scott Disick, known for being a huge fucking prick and also Kourtney Kardashian's baby daddy, confronted his "hater." In his defense, this girl was kind of stupid. She attacked his privileged lifestyle and mostly criticized him for never having to do manual labor. Um...look. There are about fifty things I've seen Scott Disick do, including but not limited to getting into a drunken rage and punching a mirror so hard his hand breaks and shoving a 100 dollar bill into a waiter's mouth at Kim Kardashian's birthday party, that are worthy of hating on. But I don't actually think like, not sweeping floors for a living makes you a douchebag. Is he ostentatious? Yes. Hell, he even admits he's a raging asshole. But a person is not automatically a jerk because they went to business school instead of becoming a mechanic. Not that I like Scott Disick, but I'm just sayin'. That's a pretty limited perspective.

She's obviously kind of dumb and in the end, Scott wins her over after some bowling and a heart to heart talk. But in a shocking twist, he decides that he hates her. Oooh! What a couple of fucking morons. And as one girl becomes a Disick fan, millions more begin to hate as he drives off in his yellow Lamborghini and calls her "somebody who sits on her fat ass watching reality shows talking shit about every fucking person on there." Charming! Also, just how many smoking jackets does Scott Disick own? I mean honestly?

Then this ridiculous guy hates on Eva Longoria, who is mostly upset that she has haters in the first place. Me too! What the hell? It turns out, this guy hates her because she isn't "Latina enough." She "hates being Latina" and "denies it" which is a form of "self-racism." How insightful. This genius also thinks that she is too skinny (truth) and that she hates being Latina because her ass isn't big enough. Uhh...okay. I guess ass-width is a sign of ethnic pride. I mean, it doesn't really say much that she was named the 2009 Philanthropist of the Year by the Hollywood Reporter for "her commitment to Latino causes and giving back to the community," you know, cause her booty ain't big enough. Moron. It is kind of funny when he calls her a "coconut" though. Veronica Mars shout out! The most excruciating part of this entire bit is that everyone is very, very busy trying to prove their Latino roots. Even Mario Lopez introduces himself using an accent, even though he speaks like a total gringo 24/7.  Anyway, she tells this idiot what an idiot he is and then he's no longer a hater. Phew!

But I think this might be the end of my time with H8R. Thank god I was painting my nails as I watched, because this would have been a total waste of my time.  Although the guy's reaction here is a little amusing. Maybe from now on, I should only watch the promos.

Is H8R The Best Worst Show On Television? Probably

You know how some people sneak chocolate late at night and other people might bum a cigarette every once in a while, even though they "don't smoke"? Or how some really enjoy a nice glass of whiskey in the evening, or perhaps a refreshing hit from their crack pipe? Yeah, well I enjoy really bad television. It's weird. I am a well educated woman. I read. Hell, I even taught for five years. But you plop me in front of Bachelor Pad and we all know how addicted I become. It's my version of sweet, refreshing crack. And I think that this new CW show H8R might just be my bad television soul mate, guys. It. Is. Horrible.

First, the name. I cannot get over the name. Why couldn't they just spell it out, for fuck's sake? But no, we have to title it like it's an effing text message. Okay, fine. I know this show isn't designed for brainiacs. Then, we have the host. Mario Lopez? Really? I am so sick of Mario Lopez. He might actually be the worst person to host something...ever. I am honestly trying to think of someone cheesier. I cannot. AC Slater, you are officially the cheesiest person I can think of in the entire human race. Congratulations.

And finally, the concept. They tape these "haters' (I refuse to use a digit in a fucking word, no matter what they called this show) talking trash about "celebrities" who they, ya know, hate. They think they are auditioning for a TV show or something. But then Cheesehead Lopez plays the tape for the "celebrity" and said celeb confronts the hater! On hidden camera! Oh no! These poor people (who clearly signed a waiver, so who knows how staged any of this shit is) are forced to spend an entire day with some D-List fame whore they couldn't stand in the first place. In the end, we all learn the answer to the question that is burning in our hearts like an STD...when they actually get to know these reality stars, will they still hate them?

Last night's premiere featured Jersey Shore's Snooki and Jake Pavelka, who has been on about six reality shows at this point, but is best known for repeatedly being part of the Bachelor franchise.  Snooki won her hater over, but the girl who disliked Jake? Not so much. I guess after being on every possible trashy show imaginable, it was difficult for her to see him as genuine. Or remotely tolerable. Poor Jake. Maybe he'll cry over the balcony again - remember that? Those were the glory days, Jake.