The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Think You're A Slut Pig

 

Somewhere in hell, it's still Game Night at Dana Wilkey's house. It's like one of Dante's circles of hell or something. Domino cakes and Valentino short-shorts are still haunting me in my dreams, for real. But of course, we must soldier on. This week's Real Housewives of Beverly Hills brings us right back to where we left off last week. If perhaps you need a reminder, here is a general summary of what's going on:

Brandi Glanville:

• let her son pee on the Maloof lawn
• said a bad word
• looks like a ho in those shorts
• wants you to color her a slut

Kyle Richards:

• really has it in for Brandi
• is in total denial about her sister
• can be very, very mean when she wants to be

Kim Richards:

• is on drugs
• is on drugs
• is on drugs

And so, we are immediately taken back to the worst theme party ever, with Kyle declaring that Brandi is pathetic. Nice opener! I have to say, I was a little boggled by Kyle's behavior last week since it was so over the top. I get that Brandi is kind of trashy (in a lovable way!) but I didn't really understand where all this venom was coming from. Apparently, it all leads back to Brandi's son's penis and how he whipped it out to piss on Adrienne's lawn. Brandi is a bad mother because she didn't scold him. Brandi? She doesn't fucking want you to fucking talk about her fucking kids, okay? Kim is all, "Why do you have to use the F-word?!" like that's worse than repeatedly leaving the room to get a fix. Brandi, bless her heart, really tries to stick up for herself but the wrath of Kyle cannot be stopped. Plus, Brandi's just not very good at words. She says, "Well, I don't think it's a bad thing." Oh dear. Honey, I really do think you're being attacked here, but perhaps "I think it's good for my son to pee on people's property" is not the best line of defense.

Brandi doesn't see how Kyle can criticize her when her own sister is "cracked out of her mind" and went to the bathroom to get high fifty times. Naturally, this doesn't go over well with Kyle, who is understandably protective of her ailing sister but also completely deluded. Kim, meanwhile, defends herself by saying that she hasn't been to the bathroom alone once all night. This is a) a lie and, b) not a very comforting statement from a grown woman. It just keeps getting worse. Brandi is shaking and crying. There's a lot of fuck off's thrown back and forth, and apparently the F-word is alright when Kyle uses it, just saying. Then, Kim calls Brandi trailer park trash and Brandi busts out with the zinger: at least she wasn't in the bathroom doing crystal meth all night. Whoa. I mean, whoa.

Total mayhem. Kyle's on her feet, up in Brandi's face. Brandi is all, "I will fucking kill you," and swats at Kyle's pointing finger. Then Kim is up and it's just, man. This is kind of really embarrassing to watch. Kim and Brandi (who is balancing on her good foot, mind you) have to be separated by an apoplectic Taylor Armstrong. It's kind of telling that Taylor finally flips out at the sight of physical violence. All 45 pounds of her are up in the middle, screaming "No touching!" over and over like she's auditioning for Arrested Development or something. "There will be no touching!" she yells, sounding oddly stronger than she ever has. This is downright depressing. And kind of funny? My emotions are battling. Kim backs off, but not without the best line of the night: "You know what?" she asks Brandi. "You're a slut pig!" Kim Richards, ladies and gentlemen.

Then she is all, "How dare you?" even though I'm pretty sure she's the one who went at Brandi and called her a slut pig, but whatever. God knows how wobbly life is through Kim's eyes. I'm surprised she had the dexterity to point so effectively. Taylor is over it. Camille just looks horrified. Dana, who I pretty much hate more than life itself, pipes in with the helpful, "You guys, we're from Beverly Hills, we do our thang." She really fucking says "thang," too. I double-checked. What a stupid asshole. Then she laughs. She laughs, like she didn't just allow two people to treat someone like dirt in her own house all night. Like she didn't encourage them and laugh along with them. But hey, I guess that's just Dana's thang.

Kyle and Kim leave the room with Taylor and Camille to cool down while poor Brandi gets shafted again by being stuck with Dana. She wants to leave, but if you recall KIM HID HER CRUTCHES AND SHE CAN'T WALK. God, that actually makes me a little mad. I mean, seriously. If you're going to be a bitch, just own it. You don't get to hide someone's crutches and then ask, "How dare you?" like you're a saint. Dana tells Brandi she started it, with "the whole bathroom thing," which just makes me hate her more. Meanwhile, Camille comforts Kim because Brandi called her a meth head. Kim sniffs that she's never had someone insult her like that in her life. Clearly, Kim does not go on the Internet. None of this stops her from calling Brandi a whore again.

Dana finally finds the crutches without acknowledging that someone hid them. Then Brandi unceremoniously crawls out the door while Dana laughs and hugs Kim in front of her and says "I love you" no less than three times. Wow, I have never actually wanted to use the C-word, but it's tempting. She's all, "Oh, Kim! I love you! Let's go on a mental health vacay!" and I want to stab her a lot. Once and Kim both leave, everyone acknowledges how horribly awkward that was, and here's the thing. Was the crystal meth comment a bit much? Yes. It's not really fair of her to name a drug like that within one night of meeting Kim. Then again, Kim is clearly an addict and Brandi is the only one with balls enough to mention it. Sure, it was in anger, but how is that worse than all her friends pretending she's okay? Then again, Brandi clearly has issues. Taylor, of all people, notes that someone who jokes about being a slut so much has deep rooted self esteem issues. Wow, when Taylor Armstrong is making astute observations about your mental health, there is a problem. Meanwhile, Dana tells Kyle that she loves Kim. OH MY GOD WE KNOW. She's ready to go with her "on her journey," whatever the fuck that means. At least everyone on the show recognizes how desperate she is, too. She says to Kyle: "Me, you and your sister, we're always. Forever. That's what we do," even though she met Kim that night. Fucking A.

And that? Is literally eleven minutes into the show. Unfortunately, the rest of the show is pretty boring. Kyle visits with the Game Night absentees Lisa and Adrienne and fills them in on her completely warped point of view. You know, how Brandi was totally rude and called her a bitch with no provocation? Right, that's what happened. Then Kyle actually pretends to not know what crystal meth is. I am getting a little sick of this whole innocent little girl thing she and her sister like to pull. You are a grown woman in Beverly Hills. You grew up in the entertainment industry. Stop acting like you've never been confronted with profanity or drugs before. This is shit I wouldn't have been shocked by in the seventh grade. God. Taylor also has lunch with Brandi and it's very much the kind of lunch that Real Housewives is known for. No food, empty restaurant and staged conversation. Taylor tells Brandi she's basically fucked socially unless she grovels to Kyle. Probably true.

But hey, Kim who is definitely not on crystal meth, tells Kyle that she's been using room deodorizer as breath spray for a week. Then she wears that crazy shirt again! With the bow and the high neck and the gold and the wallpaper print? Oh god, it's like a shirt representation of Kim's brain. Shiny and hideous. Other things happen in this episode. Kim and Kyle discuss the house their mother left them (Kyle bought out her sisters' shares and then wouldn't sell it back to Kim when she was strapped for cash - harsh!) and Lisa hires the Asian Franck Eggelhoffer to plan her daughter's wedding. It all ends at Camille's breast cancer charity event, which of course Brandi goes to. In typical Real Housewives fashion, she's seated at the same table as Kyle, Lisa and Dana. Obviously. Dana naturally buys a real fur stole, because she is endlessly tacky. The day is awkward. Lisa and Kyle act like the cheerleading squad at the cool lunch table. At least Kim wasn't there. She was packing her house up! She's in a good place! She's improving herself, you see? And she's sad that she sunk to Brandi's level! God, this is boring. I honestly don't care about Kim unless she's being crazy, I think. Is that mean? I don't care. Let's just close this out with a slideshow of priceless Taylor expressions, shall we?

There, I feel better.