If the producers of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills were afraid they'd lose viewers over the whole Taylor Armstrong's life crumbling on national television thing, they totally made up for it by hiring Brandi Glanville and Dana Wilkey. No worries, Beverly Hills! Just when I thought I might be done with you, you pull me back in just like that Godfather quote that I don't feel like looking up.
In a most genius move, this week revolves around Dana Wilkey's horribly contrived "Game Night," which by the way only consists of one game and it's a bastardized version of charades with no rules. There's a Pictionary board behind them the whole time but alas, they don't use it. What a wasted opportunity to draw penises. Oh well. So right, Dana is having this party, which is supposedly Taylor's, but her life is in shambles so she can't throw it. Understandable, I suppose. If I were on a 20 calorie diet I suppose I wouldn't have the energy to pay someone to throw me a party either. Lucky for her, it's Party Planner Dana to the rescue! Don't worry, ladies, she's got three chairs, a table with cookies, bread sticks and some warming champagne all set out for you.
...Seriously this is the party? How much does this chick get paid for her party planning? Because wow, I had a better party when I was eight and everything was decorated like Jem and the Holograms. And my champagne was properly chilled, dammit.
Despite the lackluster setting, Dana is terribly excited to have everyone over. Kyle makes the mistake of showing up on time, which means no one is there yet and she's stuck with Dana clomping all over the house in a pair of short-shorts that she makes sure to tell everyone are Valentino. Okay, good for you. I really don't know what to make of Dana, you guys. Is she really that ridiculous? Is she playing it up? I just cannot fathom being a woman in Beverly Hills who feels to name-drop brands like this. Who honestly says, "I can barely walk in these Fendis!" and isn't in an SNL sketch? I just don't get it. But I guess she's serious. Because really, she can barely walk in those Fendis.
Kyle doesn't have to wait long for company though, because her new arch nemesis Brandi arrives shortly after. Brandi is also wearing short-shorts, but the difference is she looks good in them. Also, I'm not sure if they are Valentino, because Brandi seems to have a life and doesn't say. Or maybe without Eddie Cibrian to pay the bills, she can't afford anything? Just kidding, everyone knows Eddie Cibrian doesn't actually have any success unless you count Leann Rimes, which I don't. But anyway, Brandi hobbles in on her crutches and Kyle is already glaring in disdain. If you'll recall from last week, Brandi said and did a bunch of tacky stuff including, but not limited to, allowing her son to pee on Adrienne Maloof's lawn, making a joke about Dana's fiance cheating on her and saying the word "cock" in public. Not a stellar first impression.
I cannot get over how lame this party is. Neither can Camille Grammer. She's like, where are the tables? The chairs? There's nothing but a couple unmatched seats, bread sticks (four - there are four bread sticks, despite the fact that more than five people were invited) and some themed desserts. But honey, cupcakes with chess pieces on top does not a party make. This is the most awkward thing ever. For some reason, she has a hired bartender for less than a dozen people. Wow. You guys, Dana is sad. But you know who is sadder? Kim Richards. Kim, late as usual, arrives with her shirt askew, her makeup smeared under her eyes, her hair disheveled. She's got a luggage-sized purse with her and immediately calls Dana by the wrong name. This becomes a running, completely unfunny joke as she continues to call Dana "Pam" all night and then laugh maniacally. I don't know. I guess drug-related memory loss is funny?
Kim also immediately needs the bathroom. Spoiler alert: this is also a running theme of the night. Kyle follows her in to "help her" but I think really to make sure she doesn't do a line or something. I honestly don't know what Kim is on, but it's not doing her any favors. I think it's pills? This is beyond some booze, though. As they fix her makeup (she packed her whole bathroom in that purse of hers) she tells Kyle, "I keep having panic attacks. I feel like my heart's jumping out of my skin. I haven't eaten or slept in seven days. I'm losing my balance. I look at people and I see, like, I can't hear. Anyways, I cry and cry and cry." I would like to say I'm exaggerating here, but she actually said all that, verbatim.
Meanwhile, Dana is trying her damnedest to get an invite to Camille's house in Hawaii. She says it like, fifty times. She's a great house guest, you know? She loves Hawaii. It's totally her favorite place in the world! She wants to go there and "heal" with Camille. She even has the audacity to say, "Me and you have healing to do!" because obviously this rich, engaged woman is in totally the same boat as the woman whose husband just cheated on her and left and now has to sell all her property and raise the kids alone. Obviously. That's totally the same thing as getting married in a castle in France. Duh. So if Camille is ever in a place where she's ready to invite friends as well as family to Hawaii, she'd better make sure and call! Is this chick fucking serious? Wow. I kind of want to go do drugs with Kim now, after listening to that.
Finally, they move to the "other room," which looks even less like a party than the first room. There are a bunch of glasses of champagne sitting out, which are neglected all night. They just sit there, ignored, like Brandi. Brandi who has no friends. She's feeling just as abandoned as this warm, forgotten champagne because everyone is chatting and no one is making an effort to include her. However, she's distracted by Kim's erratic behavior and frequent bathroom breaks. She's like, "I was a model in Europe in the 90s. I've had my fair share of interactions with people who are on drugs." Ha! But for real though, Kim's on fucking drugs. Kyle keeps scuttling after her, her face drawn and worried. I would feel really bad for her if she didn't go on to act like such a wretched bitch all night.
It's game time! Remember? It's "Game Night"? Right, I forgot, too. Go look at the big domino-shaped cake that no one ate and you'll remember. Honestly, it looks like one of those effing onion ring loaves from Tony Romas. Quality. Dana "randomly" divides them into teams, moving around pieces of paper with their names. Honestly, you needed to write five people down, Dana? She "randomly" sorts them into two teams of three: Dana, Camille, Taylor and Kyle, Kim and Brandi. Andy Cohen cackles from above and moves his strings back and forth, causing Dana to sway. Meanwhile, Adrienne is bound to a chair and blindfolded. For real, this happened. Kim does not like the teams. Really. She doesn't like it! She shakes her head violently, "No, I only like people I know! I don't want to play with her. I do not want her on my team." Um. Brandi is sitting right there. This is so 13-year-old girl, I cannot even handle it. Kyle giggles and giggles, because even though her sister is a cracked out, debilitated mess, it's funny when she makes pretty girls feel bad about themselves. That's always funny.
But the gun we don't see pointed at them off-camera says they cannot switch teams! So they're playing "Celebrity," which is a made up bullshit game where Dana wrote down a bunch of people they know and they have to give each other "clues" to guess who it is. At least four times do they say "Paris Hilton." My God. They all have a grand time! Kim continues to act insane and Brandi continues to be ostracized by her own team. Perhaps my favorite part, though, is when Brandi is like, "He's a very famous black man who is not Martin Luther King," and the clue is Winston Churchill. He was a very famous black man, dontcha know? Almost as good:
Brandi: The best rapper in the whole world.
Kim: Brad Pitt.
Everyone: Brad Pitt?
Kim: I thought she said Rat Pack!
Riiiight. Clearly, this game of Celebrity is a huge success. Dana gets the vibe that they're not supposed to like Brandi, so she hops on the Mean Girl Train and completely alienates Brandi from her own party. Why? Who knows. I guess she sees more value in Kim and Kyle as friends. Kyle I can see, but Kim? Whatever. Brandi comments that Dana is very far up Kyle and Kim's asses, which is totally true and demonstrated by the way she tells Brandi to knock it off when she attempts to get in on the dumb "Pam" joke. "That's [Kim's] special privilege!" she yells, like a petty fucking girl. Dana loves Kim! She "loves her soul," too, which isn't a weird thing at all to say to someone you've just met. Kim heartbreaking asks, "Do you really love me or are you just saying that?" and that, ladies and gentlemen, is probably Kim Richards in a nutshell. Yikes. Bathroom break! As she's gone, Brandi can't take it anymore. Kyle wanders off after her and Brandi basically tries to get everyone to talk about how clearly wasted Kim is, but Taylor and Camille are too polite and/or loyal to comment.
But Brandi "Cock" Glanville's not afraid to say anything! Oh no! When Kyle implies she's a dumb blonde (despite everyone in the room being blonde) Brandi's like "Bring it, bitch!" and it's the stupidest exchange ever, but it gets the fire going. Soon it's an all-out war with Kyle and Kim on their feet, finger pointing and screaming. Brandi calls them all rude bitches. Dana says, "Kyle, she's mean, I don't like it!" because she's a fucking idiot and Kim says, "I don't like her." Dana snorts into her massive cleavage. Very classy. Way to host a party. Brandi is like, "Well, you are rude but maybe you don't remember because you're totally wasted." And then it's great, because the people who were using the letter "B" in place of "bitch" just seconds before are like, "You're a goddamn bitch!" and "You look like a ho in those shorts!" even though Dana is wearing the same thing. Like fine, you don't like her, but you could come up with something better than insulting her for doing the same thing you and your friends are doing right now. Dana continues to whine to Kyle. Kyle continues to point. Kim wobbles and screams and does this weird bobble head thing, waving her arms around like a lunatic. Brandi bizarrely calls herself a slut. Aaaand, to be continued next week. Oh man, is this where someone gets called a slut pig? Cannot wait.
