The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills: What A Cluster-F*ck This Season Is Turning Out To Be

What happens when you weight 75 pounds, you drink several bottles of wine, your entire life is in shambles and you're on a reality television show that forces you to go on vacation and hold it together in front of the cameras? Well, this week's episode of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills happens. You guys, I just...I don't even know what to say about Taylor Armstrong anymore. We pick it up right where last week's episode ended, with Taylor breaking down in the jacuzzi.  If you thought that was hard to watch? Well, saddle up, kids.  This one's a shitstorm.

Taylor? Is a mess. She's hammered. She's not fun-hammered or sleepy-hammered or I-just-love-you-so-much-hammered. She's not even the slightly uncomfortable I'm-saying-things-I'll-regret-tomorrow-hammered.  No, she is ugly, disoriented, weepy, terrified, nervous breakdown style hammered. It is not pretty. First she jumps into Kim's bed - literally - while Kim is sleeping, and proceeds to weep and apologize for all their fighting last season. Mixed in with these apologies are her own issues - and this is basically a telling sign, when Kim is the source of wisdom in a conversation.

Then...I don't know, all the ladies start to get ready for a grand catered dinner. But Taylor? She's in Kim and Kyle's closet, crying in Kyle's suitcase. Inside the suitcase, whimpering that she wants to go home. Minutes later, she's banging around, screaming that her makeup bag is missing. Now Lisa and Adrienne are in on the fun, but Taylor is completely off the deep end.  You can barely get a word Taylor's saying, for all the bleeps.  I think the generally gist? "I want my fucking makeup bag. Fuck fuck fuckity fuck, makeup bag." Lisa Vanderobvious murmurs worriedly, "There's more going on than this." YA THINK?!

Shit, man. Anyway, they find the makeup bag. Of course they do. It's possible her drunk, anorexic ass just misplaced it, maybe, perhaps. Possibly, I dunno, just throwing out a theory.  Maybe it was goblins, who knows?  So meanwhile, poor Camille is just trying to gather the ladies for dinner. All the women are sparkly and dressed up and ready to go, but Taylor is just not coping with...anything.  Her eyes are glassy (or as Adrienne states, "glossy," but that just might be because she only thinks in terms of makeup products).  Taylor turns away the food with an "I never eat," and everyone looks at each other like, oh man. This is bad. And you know what? It is. It's not funny bad. It's just bad. She's beyond wasted, slurring nonsense, crying and then hysterically laughing. Then she's crying again.

Dinner is a horror show. The poor chefs are trying to explain the dishes and Camille is trying to be polite, but all the women are having this wretched conversation about Taylor's life like she isn't sitting right there (mentally, she is not there, so maybe it's no biggie) and between the plastic surgery and the sobbing, Taylor kind of looks like her face is melting.

Then for some bizarre reason, we're back in Beverly Hills for a boys' night out. Oh Bravo, haven't you learned anything from the Real Housewives of New York? Do not. Involve. The husbands. I guess the purpose of this is to demonstrate that Russell bailed on the outing, but who cares? God.

Back to the worst dinner on Earth! All the women are obliquely referencing how Russell hits Taylor without saying anything outright. Taylor just stares at them sadly as they all say they'd leave a man who raised a hand to them. Christ. This is painful.  Taylor sniffles that she loves him "and that's so sad." Yes, yes it is. Thank God for Kim, because she gets up and starts to "perform magic" on Taylor, yelling "Bam!" repeatedly all Emeril Lagasse style saying she's made her "all better." It's moronic, but at least Kim is a fun alcoholic.

Once they're home, there are various discussion of the trip. Several of the girls blame Taylor's erratic behavior on the combination of the altitude and alcohol, but you know what? It's not the effing altitude.  She's a wreck. It's almost disgraceful of Bravo to show this, but I suppose when you sign a waiver, you sign a waiver. And who the hell knows what is going on in her head, both then and now.

I think regardless, it's quite clear how abusive Russell was. Taylor shows every textbook sign of self-loathing, from her emaciated frame to her almost deformed plastic surgery to her resistance in leaving a man who doesn't give a damn about her.  But with all the reports coming out recently, I don't know what to think.  TMZ put out word today that she sold pictures of herself, bruised and battered to Entertainment Tonight for six figures, which Russell Armstrong's legal team claim are fakes. And then there's this in-depth article from The Daily Beast, which just opens up a whole new bag of questions about both Russell and Taylor.

Toward the end of the show, we get a scene between Taylor and her "life coach" and look. I'm sure life coaches can be very helpful for some people but I sincerely believe that Taylor is way, way beyond a life coach. She tells her coach a very abridged (and altered) version of what went down in Colorado. In the end, she says, "In retrospect, I never should have talked to my friends about my marriage because it's only confused me and complicated matters." No, honey. In retrospect, you never should have signed on to a reality show in the first place. I've had hard times, right? I think it's fair to say everyone has. You know what has never crossed my mind when I've been depressed or troubled or confronted with hardship? "Hey, I should go on TV while this is all happening!"  I've been doing a  lot of finger-pointing at Bravo, but the more I think about it...you know?

And don't even get me started on Kim. At the end of the episode, there's this weird scene where she has a rambling, drunken phone call with Adrienne and Paul. She babbles incoherently at them about how she's running late for their trip and her power went out and she's just sso sorry and she feels terrible or something. Side note: there's a trip, it's a thing, but it's boring and I don't care. Anyway, Kim sounds like she's crying. She's freaking out. Adrienne says in excuse, "She's been sick," and Paul is like no, honey. Kim is shitface drunk fucked up. So, I guess this season is going to just be about how women in Beverly Hills are shitface drunk fucked up. Awesome! Can next week's episode just be about how Kyle's daughter Portia likes to clean up the dog poop in the backyard? Because that was honestly the highlight of the night for me. Yes, Portia. Poop, indeed.