tries to actually murder you with about fifteen different puns in the opening monologue. The cream of the pastry world! They were whipped by the Quickfire! Orlando acted like a soda jerk! Oh my god, we get it, shut up. Anyway, I don't remember who any of these people are for the most part, but I do remember Rebecca, who always sounds like she's crying.Rebecca, it seems, has fractured her wrist at their loft in an unnamed mystery accident. She's worried about how this will impact her ability to compete, but she should be worried about how everyone knows she hurt herself letting off a little bit of steam a little too enthusiastically, eh eh, if ya know what I'm saying, and I think ya do? Sorry. Honestly, I apologize. That was vulgar. Good lord.
When they arrive for their Quickfire, the guest judge along with Gail is Margaret Braun, who makes some truly gorgeous, hand-painted cakes. Plus, her book is called Cakewalk
, which I enjoy for it's clever and subtle pun. You hear that, Gail? One pun in that title. Just one.Their challenge is to make a unique and delicious lemon dessert, and already my mouth is watering. Lemon flavored desserts are in my top three most favorite dessert flavors, did you know? Now you do. The other two are blueberry and pumpkin, if any of you feel like sending me a gift basket. Token Gay Diva Craig says he wants immunity so bad he can "taste it" and if I hear one more motherfucking pun, I will seriously shoot someone. Token Black Jerk Orlando is apparently allergic to lemons, but he's a big strong man and he's in it to win in and all that shit, so he soldiers on.
big! I don't know if she's wearing a wig or a Bump-It
or if she just gets her hair done by the same people who work on the Jersey Shore
set, but man. It's distracting. She is impressed with their use of lemons overall, but Nelson ends up in the bottom for poor flavor combinations and not finishing in time. Also in the bottom is Orlando, because "personally" she doesn't think that lemon and chocolate work together. Orlando interviews that she needs to "leave her personal shit at the door," which is funny because her taste buds are a part of her actual person, so I don't get how she's expected to do that. Amanda is also in the bottom for not contrasting flavors correctly or something. The faves are Matthew, Katzie and Carlos. Matthew gets the immunity for his lemon vanilla creme with mint and hazelnut.
The challenge starts out weird - it's a group challenge again and instead of drawing knives (spoons? straws? maraschino cherries?) Carlos, Orlando and Amanda have been randomly chosen to select the teams. Uh huh. Because he won the Quickfire, Matthew also gets to select and is in charge of the fourth team. He wisely chooses Chris, who made that completely breathtaking Red Riding Hood sugar sculpture last week. Carlos chooses Sally and Rebecca; Orlando chooses Nelson and Craig; Amanda chooses Katzie and Vanarin. Mean Old Melissa does not get chosen at all, which means she is put onto Matthew’s team. She is completely baffled (and clearly a little pissed) about being picked last. She seems to have trouble remembering how she totally threw Lina under the bus last week, but apparently everyone else remembers.
I wonder why they are only doing group challenges so far. It's frustrating, because each chef always has to compromise their skill set to accomodate the others, and also there is never a clear winner. Hmm.
The Elimination Challenge is pretty cool. The Walt Disney Concert Hall is throwing some big party and the four teams are to make a cake suitable for 150 guests. Each team member will be responsible for one tier of their cake, so they have to be original, yet produce a cohesive and tasty cake. Interesting. Anyway, they have like, a day and Margaret Braun and her Bump-It want them to really push the limits of cake shaping. In a day. They're all like, "Yeeeeeahh...."
They all start to plan their tiers. Katzie thinks being a pastry chef is the perfect combination of science and art, but she's forgetting that you also need to include a gym membership. Vanarin is a huge cliche and wants to include the "musicality" of the orchestra theme and "go buckwild," making instruments, so I officially no longer like Vanarin. They all say "architectural" like, fifty times each.
Crying Voice Rebecca is having trouble understanding Carlos because he's bad at saying words (read: stupid), and he garbles out some sort of thing about sprockets and gears and bicycles and I sure hope he's good at what he does, or the top tier of the cake is going to be one hot mess. As they work, we learn that Vanarin is a first generation American and his parents were in a Cambodian concentration camp. I feel a little bad for disliking him, but he still said "buckwild," you know? We also learn that Nelson was in school to become an architect but then decided to become a pastry chef at the last minute and his family Doesn't Understand and they are Not Happy About It.
But I don't care! Why? My future husband Johnny Iuzzini
arrives to check on the contestants. He's immediately critical and sarcastic. He makes fun of Vanarin's sculpted trumpet to his face and I want to bear his children, I really think I do. Craig tells Johnny that his tier is "really gonna have that pow-pow flavor" and I can't decide if Johnny wants to hug him or punch him in the jaw. Alas, he just walks away. See, Big Gay Craig was - now, you might want to sit down for this - picked on in school. I know! How could they ever!? But apparently, his chubby kid body and "flamboyant tendencies" did not win over the cool kids. I don't see how, what with these old photos they're showing. That kid would have been my total BFF, no lie. I mean look at that! Was he a Furry? I love it!
arrives to check on the contestants. He's immediately critical and sarcastic. He makes fun of Vanarin's sculpted trumpet to his face and I want to bear his children, I really think I do. Craig tells Johnny that his tier is "really gonna have that pow-pow flavor" and I can't decide if Johnny wants to hug him or punch him in the jaw. Alas, he just walks away. See, Big Gay Craig was - now, you might want to sit down for this - picked on in school. I know! How could they ever!? But apparently, his chubby kid body and "flamboyant tendencies" did not win over the cool kids. I don't see how, what with these old photos they're showing. That kid would have been my total BFF, no lie. I mean look at that! Was he a Furry? I love it! 
Anyway, then we get the montage of Everything Is Frantic And All The Cakes Start To Go Wrong, How Ever Will They Pull This Off?! You know, the one we get every week, in every show like this ever. It's hot! Things and melting and cracking! The colors Carlos mixed are wrong! Vanarin is a glitter monster! Same old. And then it's time to eat. Matthew's team seems to do pretty well, and everyone's favorite tier is actually Mean Old Melissa's, who chose cardamom as her main ingredient. A bold move and it pays off. Side note: I have had cardamom flavored desserts before, and they truly are delicious. Amanda's team suffers from a lack of editing, specifically with Vanarin's stupid instruments. The tiers are alternately mushy and dry. Uh ohs.
Orlando's team chose a more triangular shape, which is interesting. There's a bit of a Fantasia theme at the top, but it's not as cheesy as it sounds. They do alright taste-wise, but the top of the cake has crumbled and it's now broken. Not good, people. Team Carlos' cake has a great look to it. Finally, all the nonsense about the gears and springs and whatnot make sense and there's a real "built' feel to it. The judges like everything about it, except the color. It's an ugly color, one Johnny especially hates. FYI, Johnny Iuzzini looks great in a suit.It's time to judge! The favorites are unsurprisingly Team Carlos and Team Matthew. Within minutes, Rebecca plays a practical joke on me by actually starting to cry and talk at the same time. It's less funny if you really do it, jerk. Her team wins, likely due to Mean Old Melissa's cardamom tier, so it looks like somebody proved herself, eh?
rips into him again for the instruments. Okay, darling, we get it. Let me rub your shoulders and you'll feel better. No more thinking about the big, bad, amateurish cake instruments. They're gone now. Shhh...