It seems like this season of America's Next Top Model is all about the fans. After Brittany's elimination, the models are fairly apathetic, choosing instead to play dress up and fantasize about the nice big package of prizes they might win. But Tyra quickly shows up to remind them that they are All Stars because the fans thought they were memorable - but they can only be successful models if they turn these 15 minutes into a career. How do they do that? Branding! And Tyra's brought in branding expert Martin Lindstrom to help.
Martin tells them that he has no idea who any of them are. Awesome opening. Why? Well, they don't have a brand, sillies. Luckily, he's going to give them one. They've polled the fans again (who are these "fans" anyway? Why wasn't I asked to participate?) and they are going to review the general perception of each model and turn that into a marketable brand. That's...actually really smart. Here's the breakdown.
Lisa: the fans don't trust her. Really, that's it? I would have predicted "batshit crazy" or "spontaneously pees in diapers," but whatevs. Her brand will be daring.
Sheena: the fans think she's stupid. Well, yeah, I can see that. Martin declares her brand to be unexpected, because see, it's unexpected for an Asian to be an airhead. (Guys, I'm starting to adore Martin)
Kayla: she automatically assumes people relate her with being gay. Martin tells her that being a lesbian was trendy five years ago and she needs to reinvent herself. It's kind of hilariously offensive, because she actually is, ya know, a lesbian. But then again, I get what he's saying. Okay, you like chicks. But move on, don't just be the gay girl. Be more. Her brand is free.
Shannon: the fans think she's boring. She assumes this is because in her season, in addition to refusing to pose nude, she said she was a virgin who doesn't drink or smoke. Angelea is like, "bitch, you boring." Tell it, sister. Shannon's brand is trustworthy, because I guess that's the only way you can sell a chick without using sex.
Dominique: her brand is survivor. We don't learn why. I'm going to say it's because she's survived looking like a tranny all these years.
Allison: people do not think she is annoying! This surprises her. I don't know why. She's too quiet to be annoying. Anyway, her brand is unique, which is about the least unique way to describe someone as cool as Allison ever.
Angelea: fans relate her with cheap shoes. Amazing! If anyone cares, I also relate her with rhinestone acrylic nails, drawn eyebrows and a pair of gold-plated hoop earrings with Angelea spread across the middle. Her brand is persistence, because she never stops shopping at Payless.
Bre: her brand is girlfriend. I don't know why. Maybe it's like, "Hey, girlfriend!" or something.
Alexandria: hey guess what, all the fans hate her! I am so, so surprised by this development. Martin also tells her that no one sees value in anything she says. I want to take Martin home with me, seriously. He could do some damage on Miami Beach. Anyway, Alexandria. Can her brand be social pariah? No? Boo. It's tough, which I think is stupid, because it's that bossy standoffish-ness that made people hate her in the first place.
Laura: since they can't make "inbred" a brand, hers is lovable. Oh, I kid. I like Laura.
Isis: her brand is inspiration, which. Well, yeah.
Camille: her brand is proud, which I guess is another way of saying "bitchy."
Bianca: her brand is candid, which I guess means she can keep saying whatever is on her mind and be a huge uncensored bitch.
Martin leaves with the parting advice to own their brands at all times, which Bianca really takes to heart since she immediately starts shit in the house. I don't even know. I think I trained myself to tune out America's Next Top Model fights somewhere around Cycle 12. But I do note that she says, "Put the Caution around my bed, because I'm about to go off," which is my new official catch phrase. Look out for it, guys.
Then the Jays come in with a platter of Pink's Hot Dogs, which is way too phallic for me to handle. Their photo shoots are...with hot dogs? I guess they are selling wieners. Ten bucks says Shannon refuses! The models are set to the task of designing their own hot dog to pose with (this is really weird) and they are in evening gowns and they also have to embody their own brand. This makes absolutely no sense. The winner gets to be on the Pink's website. Because every model's dream is appearing on a website that sells hot dogs. Stardom!
The shoot is so awkward. They are all making blow job poses with hot dogs. It's like some weird fetish porn shoot. Alexandria is still trying to sell how likable she is by crying with joy over her haircut. Honey, your brand was tough. Anyway, they're all sucking off the Pink's Hot Dogs like pros, except poor Kayla. She has no idea what to do with a wiener. If only they were selling tacos. YEAH, I WENT THERE. Bre has trouble because she's had an emotional day. Lisa (whose hair looks great, obviously) gets a veggie dog with no bun and does great.
Judging is mixed. Most of them do alright, but few do a good job embodying their brand. I think it's a little unfair that they had to pose with hot dogs and embody a completely unrelated brand at the same time, but hey. I'm no Tyra, what do I know? Lisa stands out as "daring" and I guess it's daring to open your mouth with half-chewed food in it, but I wouldn't call it fashionable. Come to think of it, I don't know how daring it is either, since mostly third graders do that. But again, what do I know? The judges love it. Gross. Alexandria has a good photo, but looks soft instead of "tough." Kayla, Bre and Sheena all fall flat. Then Tyra and I become psychically connected, because just as I am thinking, "Man, I cannot get used to Nigel Barker with hair," Tyra says the same thing and shaves it off. Thank God.
Top photo goes to "see my food" Lisa, and though she gets a talking to for her somber attitude, Bre is safe. In the bottom are Sheena and Kayla. Noooo, not Kayla! It's not her fault she didn't know what to do with phallic imagery! Oh thank goodness, she's safe. Trashy-ass unexpectedly unintelligent Asian Sheena is out. She says she'll always be an All Star, but let's face it. I already forgot who she is. Again.
Winning photo:
