Help! I Didn't Hate Glee And Now My Whole World Is Askew

 

I pretty much hate Glee, right? You all know that by now. I don't need to get into it again, or how Ryan Murphy is basically my nemesis (other than Andie McDowell, oh man, I hate that bitch) but if you are curious you can read all of my Glee rants if like, you're bored at work.   So naturally, this week I was all set to watch the premiere. I had my big hater boner fully erect and prepared to shoot. I think that's the worst metaphor I've ever used, I'm so sorry. My point is, I wanted to hate it.

But...I didn't? Not entirely, at least.  The show started in what seemed to be a last minute rewrite to respond to all the recent criticism the show's been getting about casting confusion.  It was straight-up five minutes of nothing but exposition. Sam and Mercedes were together, but his dad got a job and he moved (fired!).  Now she's dating Tinker from Friday Night Lights and they want to make "cocoa babies" together. Direct quote. Quinn has stupid unevenly cut pink hair and smokes cigarettes now. She quit New Directions and chooses instead to hang out with a bunch of girls who call themselves "The Skanks." Okay...

Lauren broke up with Puck and quit glee as well, no real reason given (fired!). It is clearly noted that Finn, Rachel and Kurt are seniors (getting fired this spring!) and they move Blaine from his prep school to McKinley to tidy things up.  After last season's clusterfuck of dropped plots and character inconsistency, it makes sense they'd want to spend a few moments of explanation. Then again...no more Darren Criss in his cute Warblers uniform. Bummer.

So, alright, here is what I liked about the episode, in no particular order. When songs were performed, they related to the scene directly. No random pop injections! I hope this means no more "theme" nights that have nothing to do with anything. God, those theme nights were the worst. Also, fifty celebrity cameos did not take place. For the most part, the characters' actions made sense. For example, it makes sense that Quinn would rebel and reject the New Directions. It makes sense that Santana would betray them. It makes sense that Kurt would finally accept Rachel as his hag and plan a big gay future with her.  Some of the lines were actually funny. I think I laughed, even! I hadn't laughed at a Glee joke since season one, unless it was directed at the show. Plus...they ended with "You Can't Stop the Beat" from Hairspray, which is like, one of my favorite musical numbers ever. Damn you, Murphy. You got me there.

Then there was the bad. My biggest issues with this show are actually Sue, Will and Emma. They are all offensive, annoying and poorly executed. What Ryan Murphy doesn't seem to understand is that we don't care about the success of New Directions as a club. We care about the success of these underdogs who are in the club. Tell us their stories and stop making us watch Sue and Will fight over arts funding. Fucking A. There was also the whole stupid purple piano thing, but I expect a show like Glee to be a little silly. So whatever. I did like that the piano was purple and flaming, though. That Ryan Murphy is so subtle!

Also worthy of an eye-roll:

• You're trying to tell me that Rachel Barry didn't realize that Julliard doesn't have a musical theater department? Really? Even I knew that.
• The ongoing "OCD means you are a terrified, prude nutcase" plot line with Emma, which is not only offensive but boring. I don't care if Will is getting laid. And please don't ever, ever have him deliver lines like, "Guess who woke up right before I did?" about his morning wood again. EVER.
• Is smoking cigarettes still something we use to demonstrate "bad girl" behavior? That seems so 1980s? Like, now we just associate smoking with tarred lungs and respirators, not leather jackets and motorcycles, right? Get with the times, Glee.
• The girl with "self-diagnosed Asperger's" who said whatever she felt like saying. Yeah, that's funny.  Haha! Uncontrollable mental disorders! Ha! Hilarity! Maybe next week we'll meet a dude who likes to randomly break into dance moves and he'll blame it on "self-diagnosed Parkinson's".
• Will saying he doesn't believe people should have to have a particular talent to join a club. Like, a singing club? For singing? The one where you are obsessed with them winning...a singing competition? They don't have to be...talented at singing? Right, sure thing. What an asshole.
• It makes sense to move Blaine to McKinley High, but they are already so over the top saccharine, I might vomit. Stop making them clingy thirteen year old girls, Ryan Murphy. Gay guys can also act like, ya know, guys.