America's Next Top Model All Stars Be Hating Ass Bitches

There's only five bitches left on America's Next Top Model All Stars and they are really starting to drink the haterade. Still in Greece are Angelea, Laura, Allison, Dominique and Lisa. Lisa continues to be wretched and Angelea still maintains that perfect balance of self loathing child and super bitch. Laura, in a rare moment of wisdom, notes that Angelea needs to believe in herself more because the moment you begin to show self-doubt is the moment it all goes downhill. They get home and the Tyra Mail mysteriously reads, "Tomorrow you will meet with the judges," and that's it. Oooh, spooky. What does it mean? the models wonder.  Laura says it's the "most scariest" Tyra Mail they've ever received. Sigh.

The following day, the most scariest thing ever ends up not being very scary. Unless you count the way Miss Jay is dressed, which is somewhere between a Greek goddess and a potato sack. The ladies are having a mock casting call, except they have to critique each other. Laura, who is getting a lot of air time all of a sudden, thinks this is going to be a train wreck. The most scariest train wreck ever! But it starts out nice enough. Dominique likes that Laura is a country bumpkin with some white girl sass. Well put! However, it doesn't take long for the claws to come out. Lisa, who is having one hell of a good hair day for once, is dressed like a hooker circa 1989. That's me saying that, not one of the contestants, FYI. Angelea thinks Lisa's walk is busted. Lisa thinks Allison lacks confidence. Lisa thinks Dominique's attitude is bad and shows. Angelea thinks Dominique is trying too hard to be edgy, to the point that she stumbles. This one is actually true - Dominique gets a little overzealous with a hair flip and wobbles in her heels.

Next, they evaluate each other's portfolios and for the most part, it seems honest and fair. Miss Jay can't have that, so she asks each girl to name the least talented model. How very Seacrest of you, Miss Jay! Ever diplomatic, Laura and Allison decline to name anyone. Hell, even Lisa refuses to give an answer, and she's a straight up lunatic. But then there's Dominique. Oh, Dominique. She feels like Angelea doesn't have what it takes. After three models stay quiet, this comes off as a slap in the face. But Dominique charges on. Angelea lacks confidence, but she reminds Dominique of herself! And she loves Angelea, she really does! She loves her! I know, because she says it like 15 times. Dominique becomes emotional, choking up as she demands that Angelea "bring it" and it's really weird, seriously. Miss Jay is like, WTF? Angelea feels attacked. Where the hell is this coming from? she wonders and declares the whole thing unprofessional.

Then it gets really awkward. Laura joins in, also nearly in tears as she tells Angelea how much she believes in her. Lisa adds that Angelea is so guarded that she reacts badly to anything (truth) and she does lack confidence. Angelea doesn't want to hear it, okay? She just doesn't. Out of the remaining five, she's struggled the most and she doesn't need anyone to tell her anything! Ever! She doesn't ever want to hear words, ever again! No more talking! As she articulately puts it, she hears what they're saying but she isn't trying to hear it. Well, alright then. Only Allison is quiet through this entire exchange, which Miss Jay eventually puts a stop to. Hey, you asked for it, sister. Miss Jay invites Angelea to speak next and, oh man. She doesn't even bother trying to participate in the challenge. She just yells. Laura tries to get through to her, but Angelea - you guessed it - doesn't want to hear it. She storms out with a "Y'all bitches! Fuck all y'all! You can kiss my ass!" and then calls them all stupid, dumbass bitches because she is obviously more professional than Dominique.

Miss Jay, who is showing WAY too much thigh, goes after her and gives some comforting words. If they're all focused on Angelea, who has the power? Good point, now put some pants on. Angelea goes back inside and declares that none of the other contestants deserve to be there.  Even though this has gone way too far, Miss Jay asks them all to fill out a score sheet. Allison is declared to be the weakest, which surprises Angelea. She wonders why she was attacked if she isn't the weakest and dubs them all "hating ass bitches." So eloquent! Allison feels like a turd. The strongest model is Laura. It's all very sweet until Lisa says they all voted her strongest because she's the least threatening. Damn, they are hating ass bitches.

Miss Jay thinks they all deserve some pampering, so they're taken out VIP style on "Greek socialite" Twylem Pyper's yacht. Is she a thing? What a ridiculous name. My new name is Shyleye, just so you know. All the girls swim. Allison endearingly holds her nose and Dominique belly flops. Later, they go clubbing. Twylem? She's a total drynk. Shot after shot after shot she guzzles and she keeps pushing booze on the models as well. Allison throws them over her shoulder when Twylem isn't looking. Lisa abstains completely because her sponsor would be super pissed if she didn't. It's actually respectable until she says, "No one has a better head on their shoulders than me." Um, you killed it, honey. You might as well be wasted, saying that shit. Angelea sits there the entire time with a stank look on her face (because they be hating ass bitches).

The following Tyra Mail...is blank. Tyra is so cryptic this week! Mr. Jay is waiting for them on a beautiful cliff and he asks them what comes to mind when they think of ancient Greece. I'm fairly certain they hear crickets, but the answer is the Olympics. They will be using fashion accessories that recreate some of the ancient Olympic games. Nigel Barker appears as their photographer and he wants them to embody that "classic athleticism" that Greek culture is all about. Dominique's job is to enact the javelin, which she can't even pronounce. She doesn't do very well.  Allison looks stunning and has to use a purse as a discus. She starts out very awkwardly but ends up pulling it off. Lisa's been assigned the hurdles and she's not very happy about it. She's already jumped in two photoshoots and is afraid she'll be criticized for it. Because of this, she holds back. Nigel yells at her. There's like, some weird sexual tension between Lisa and Nigel, you guys. Ew. Anyway, he convinces her to jump. She jumps. It's fine. Laura, who looks incredible, has the bow and arrow. It's a great shoot, even with a beaded mask over her face. Lastly, we have Angelea who has a very lackluster outfit on. She looks way less glamourous than the others. Additonally, she sucks. Her Olympic event is the shot put (throwing that heavy ball thing) and she forgets to do things like look good and face the camera. Total fail. That night, Tyra Mail brings a skull and crossbones to announce that only four will remain. Whoever's in charge of these needs to chill the fuck out.

Everyone is pretty nervous. Dominique mentions that the last time Nigel was her photographer, she was eliminated from Cycle 10. Angelea and Allison both know they didn't do well. Despite her fear, Allison does alright at panel. Lisa's hurdle jumps look graceful and not crazy for once. The judges love it. Dominique's photo is weak. Nigel defends her (she's on one foot on a rocky cliff in heels) but no one likes it. Angelea'a photo receives mixed reactions, while Laura's gets glowing reviews. Laura's photo is determined to be the best while Dominique and Angelea are in the bottom two. Dominique is deemed unmemorable while the judges are concerned about Angelea's rage issues. How will she handle the pressure? What if she goes apeshit on Mario Lopez during an Extra interview? Maybe they think that might actually be a good thing, though, because it's Dominique who's sent packing.

Winning photo:

As If They Didn't Have It Bad Enough: The America's Next Top Model All Stars Invade Greece

Last week, the America's Next Top Model All Stars rocked out with some seriously horrible pop singles. Alexandria's was the most horriblest and she was sent home, much to Angelea's relief.  She's pretty upset at being in the bottom two. Both Shannon and Dominique discuss their inspiration to succeed in the competition - the former says she receives thousands of  (fake) letters from (fake) fans every day saying they want to be just like her (lie) and so she's really doing it for them. Yeah, I buy that, Shannon. Dominique has the more believable story of doing it for her daughters. But Angelea? She thinks Tranny-Lookin' Dominique is a big fat phony. Personally, I'm more concerned about Shannon's diminishing weight. Is Jesus against food now?

When they get back to the model mansion, Andre Leon Talley arrives and he's still wearing his stupid China Man outfit. This should be banned forever. ALT tells the ladies that he's arranged a dinner for them and two extremely gay waiter/actors arrive and have a fake argument, which ends in smashed plates. ALT is all, "Hey, sorry about that, but like, they do that in Greece and we are totally going there!" Cue the ear piercing screams and blue and white confetti. Then they all smash plates and Lisa screams "Oooophah!" because she's confused and knows nothing about culture.

Complete with horrifyingly cheap graphics, the models travel to Athens. Ms. Jay is waiting for them and she looks kind of busted. Maybe it's jet lag. She's with Vicky Kaya, host of Greece's Next Top Model. They're told that their traveling isn't over yet - on a short flight to Crete, they need to prepare a statement for a press conference with the tourism board. Winner gets some badass jewelry. Their speech should include information about themselves as well as their knowledge of Greek culture, and preferably some words in Greek. Laura is super nervous, since she has enough problems speaking English. She blames her dyslexia, but I blame the fact that she's a hillbilly.

On the flight to Crete, the models study key phrases and Greek history, plus fix their makeup. Lisa impresses with many Greek phrases, then kills it with a fist in the air, screaming about rock and roll. Um. These are Greek dignitaries? Whatever. Trash is trash is trash, right? She also claims that if she were a goddess, she's be Athena, but I'm thinking more Dionysus. Get it? Cause she's a drunk? Ha! Allison's speech is intelligent and flawless and she speaks Greek very well. Shannon comes off desperate and Dominique is too goofy. And then there's Laura....Oh, Laura. She sounds like a very excited, perky moron. Then she says she'd be Venus if she were a goddess, which is a Roman goddess. Not Greek. Whoops! Angelea charms everyone until she says she has to pee. Nice. Keep it real, girlfriend.

The ladies get to their house and it's crazy beautiful. Ms. Jay follows and critiques the models' speeches. Allison is commended, while Angelea is reprimanded for the bathroom comment. Ms. Jay also thinks Lisa's mid-drift top and miniskirt is not an appropriate outfit to meet Greek dignitaries, but Lisa thinks that politicians enjoy skin based on what she sees on the news. Noted, Lisa. Allison wins and gets a cool bracelet. Mr. Jay shows up next, who tells the ladies that they have a special treat. They get to work with a designer to create their final runway look, which they will only see if they make the finale. Allison wants romance and lace, Angelea wants Grace Jones. Lisa wants Christmas lights and the designer is like um, hell to the no. Honestly, Lisa, can you not be tacky for like two minutes? Dominique is also lacking in the class department and wants glittery metal shining in her crotch. Like Wonder Woman? Good lord.

The following day, Laura is very sick. Poor thing. I have to say, I always feel for the models when they have these 12 hour shoots and are sick the entire time. You know who I don't feel bad for? Fucking Shannon. They are on the water in this gorgeous Greek landscape and will be modeling underwear for their shoot. But wait, don't you remember? Shannon doesn't do underwear! Jesus hates underwear! She's super annoyed because how dare they send her to Greece for free to compete in a modeling competition and ask her to model? Those heathens. She also mentions that she'll never pose with a cigarette. Um, you're an idiot, Shannon. A fucking idiot. As they prep for the shoot, the underwear looks like very cute bathing suits, so I don't know what her issue is. One of the stylists points out that it's much easier to replace a model than an entire layout. Instead of taking this as sound advice to succeed in her field, Shannon makes a stank face.

They are...posing in a big salad bowl? With vegetables? It's very strange. Dominique still manages to look sexy, despite the cucumber and her tranny features. Shannon is still not doing it. Poor Mr. Jay is so frustrated, because she's posed in many things that look like underwear, but she pulls it as a technicality. He doesn't like word games and he doesn't want her to just sacrifice her chance at winning. But Shannon stays strong. Jay attempts to understand her message and Shannon, eloquent as ever, says: "It just comes down to we...underwear is...is you go, ah...it's just kind of different." Well, shit. Now I totally respect your conviction, Shannon, since you've so clearly stated your stance. Idiot. I'm just going to say, I have no problem with someone having specific morals (although I think it's naive to go into modeling and never expect to pose in sexy clothing) but Shannon seems desperate to portray this bullshit Christian image that she can't even support with words. It's idiotic. Angelea does alright with the shoot, whereas Allison struggles a bit. The sun is in her "vampire eyes," which makes them tear up. She struggles to keep her eyes open, which is not good for a photo shoot. Poor ill Laura also struggles, because she feels like refried ass. Lisa, ever the lady, pours olive oil all over herself.

The day of panel, the girls are nervous. It seems too easy for them to assume Shannon will go home. However, when this kind of thing happens, they usually examine the model's body of work, but Shannon's been declining for weeks. So she might be doomed. Allison is especially nervous, but they aren't too hard on her considering her eyes are shut. Angelea and Lisa both have strong photos and Tyra compliments Angelea for modeling "H to T" (head to toe). Shannon? Well, she has no picture. The judges are pretty hard on her in terms of her standards - these bras and underwear look very much like a bikini, whereas actual bathing suits she's posed in show more skin. Semantics are annoying and presents an unclear message. Is it about the label, or the amount of skin you're showing? Shannon doesn't know, because she's pretending to be pious. Dominique's photo rocks, while Laura's received mixed reactions. For real, she's dumping oil on her head. It's not hot.

The judges feel pretty favorably toward most of the photos. They all recognize that Shannon's message is muddled, even pointing out previous photos where she's wearing a skimpy bikini. However, Tyra points out that the modeling world is filled with desperate girls, and it's refreshing to see a model with passion for her beliefs, regardless of how fucking dumb they might be. I might be paraphrasing. Dominique's sexy salad pose gets her top photo, while Laura and Shannon are in the bottom two. The judges have problems with Laura, who's brand is "lovable." Now she's too sexy. Shannon is pure to her brand, but it's also fucking dumb. I still might be paraphrasing. Luckily, Shannon is sent home for being a model who doesn't want to model. Idiot, what did she expect? Tyra also points out that she's the only remaining model who's never had top photo or won a challenge. See, because she sucks? Smell you later, Shannon. Have fun being a self righteous unemployed model!

Winning photo:

America's Next Top Model All Stars Be Like Whoa

This week on America's Next Top Model: All Fame Whore edition, the models are trying to cope with the recent double elimination. Actually, that's a lie - they totally don't care, because Bianca the Bitch is gone and no one has to deal with her anymore. I guess some people are sad about Kayla (I am) but it's not too big of a deal. Why? Well goodness, they get Tyra Mail from YouTube sensation Madison. You know, the little Asian girl who is obnoxiously adorable and gives makeup tutorials? Yes, well for no reason whatsoever other than the fact that Madison has a decent press manager, she delivers the Tyra Mail, saying they'd better be ready to create a beat. This of course means music videos! Dude, it would be way cooler if they had to create a makeup tutorial with Madison. Oh well. Their actual challenge is a stupid music video. The tracks are already created for the models, but they have to sing and write their own accompanying lyrics. This is a disaster in the making. It also furthers the point that this All Star competition has literally nothing to do with modeling.

The models have 20 minutes to write their lyrics. They will be judged and then the winner will receive a special visit from a loved one. Shannon really wants this, because she hasn't seen her husband in over a month and they are due for some over the sweater action. She is writing the song about her hubby. Lisa is writing about nonsense, but people like it. Allison is having a very difficult time. She doesn't have any experience with music and it makes her very nervous. When in doubt, write about a dead parent. No one can criticize that, right? So she writes about her dead father. Problem solved. The two standouts in the competition are Lisa (God again?) and Angelea. Lisa wins. Lisa always wins, you guys. Is she really going to take this whole thing? Because that is just batshit crazy.

After Lisa's win, the girls are off to a recording studio to get started on their music videos. In typical Tyra fashion, she has made up some complete nonsense for the models to use as their inspiration. This time, they need to incorporate "Pot Ledom," into their song, which is "Top Model" backwards. Okay, I'm just going to say that it would actually be "Ledom Pot" but whatever. Fine. Pot Ledom it is. These ridiculous gibberish words have to be a part of their performance. It's also about "fun!" which is some vague-ass shitty direction. Oh, also, have fun! Unlike all those successful pop videos where people are bored and disconnected. It's kind of painful to watch this entire challenge. First of all, none of them can sing. This isn't their fault since this isn't American fucking Idol. Second, seeing them try to incorporate a ridiculous statement like Pot Ledom is absolutely cringe worthy. They all resort to things like, "It's Top Model backwards, y'all!" at the end of their songs. Ugh. Allison has a near nervous breakdown over the whole thing, but then wows them all with her astounding lyrics, "Mother, father, sister, brother, underwater..." See, because it's about family. Family. Yeah. In like, water. Laura sounds like a joke karaoke version of a Taylor Swift song. Lisa naturally does well.

So as the editors are making something somewhat bearable from their horrid excuses for songs, Lisa's fiance comes to visit. He seems somewhat normal and sane, but he's marrying Lisa so that can't actually be true. The next day, the models meet with Mr. Jay for their video shoot. He's very excited about all of their terrible songs. Whatever, you know Mr. Jay pre-ordered the Justin Bieber Christmas album. He's got no cred. Someone with some cred is Game, who will direct their videos. I have no idea who that is, like most of these stupid white girls, but I'm pretty sure Angelea wets herself. I am sure he's famous, I just can't stand current hip hop. Does Game have a tattoo on his face? Interesting. Dominique's song is called "Tooch That Booty," which makes me want to stab her. She's rocking a JLo look. Alexandria is rocking a hot mess look and she is super awkward to boot. Not a good one for this chicky.

Then randomly, Tyra shows up looking like a Forever 21 reject wearing a Pot Ledom leotard.  If that wasn't enough, she welcomes Keenan Cahill, who is known for being young, short and rapping with 50 Cent. See, these videos are "going viral," which I guess means they're going to be put on the web. Don't viral videos usually debut with no announcement? Whatever. Shannon and Lisa do well, but Angelea struggles and Game thinks she kind of sucks. She's got dead eyes. No one cares. Game is moved by Allison's dead father story since he's also lost his grandmother, and he is immediately supportive. Allison is kind of sick good. The song is silly, but it's haunting and so is she.

At judging, we get the premiere of their videos. Dominique's features a rhyme with her name and the word "magnifique," and I can't decide if that's a good thing or not. Tyra and Keenan randomly appear in all of the videos, which seems both completely unnecessary and also a little embarrassing. Laura's video is fun and charming, but also pretty stupid. Angelea gets a harsh critique for her dead empty eyes and Alexandria is criticized for not doing enough. Shannon's video plays and I slip into a coma. My roommate finds me and calls and ambulance and I only come out of it three days later. Luckily, I don't remember a thing. I have to admit that Lisa (song: "I Be Like Whoa") has a fantastic video. It pains me to say that, but damn. She has so much energy and her song is the only one that's kind of catchy. But the clear winner is Allison. Her video is completely entrancing, mostly due to her insanely haunting eyes. Game declares her to be the most weirdly beautiful person he's ever seen. I straight up think Game wants to do Allison. She obviously gets best photo/video. Lisa seems peeved. In the bottom are Angelea and Alexandria, both for being boring, robotic and dead in the face. Angelea is saved and Alexandria gets sent packing. For once, this is without much fanfare or drama. I have to wonder: is Lisa seriously going to win this show? Because right now, it's looking like Cousin It the Palm Tree's best friend is about to win a spread of Vogue Italia.

Winning video:

America's Next Top Model All Stars: Bianca Should've Said No To Pickles & Yes To Bathtubs

Last week on America's Next Top Model, the desperate-for-work All Star edition, everybody still hated Bianca except for Bre. But then Bre was sent home. Whoops! Looks like Bianca has no friends now, which I'm sure is very much like her real life. Everyone discusses their place in the competition. Kayla is concerned that she hasn't defined herself well enough. Shannon The Christian knows the judges want her to be "edgier," which she's translated as "raunchier" for some reason. I actually think they mean "less boring," but whatever. She doesn't do raunchy because Jesus hates raunch, and she won't even if it means losing the competition. Oh, shut up. Meanwhile, Alexandria is upset because she was in the bottom two and nearly eliminated for looking like a reality star. Um, hello Tyra? She is a reality star. And just to prove it, she gets into a fight with Bianca over using the shower. Does that house seriously only have one shower? If so, they are just setting them up to fight.

The next day, the models make their way to the historic Roosevelt Hotel to meet with Nigel Barker. He tells them that last year, Elizabeth Taylor made millions from her own fragrance line. Did this tape before she passed away? Anyway, they will be designing their own signature fragrance and along to help is Ben Bennett of Hatch Beauty. His team will blend them all their three scent choices to create a signature perfume. Um, that has nothing to do with modeling.  Am I wrong? None of these girls are even remotely famous enough to get their own fragrance line. What a waste of a challenge. So they're all smelling various scents and picking three to blend. I remember they used to have this store in the mall where you could do the same thing. They all get to name them and choose things like "Smitten" (Shannon), "Neon" (Lisa) and "Angelea" (wild guess). Allison names her fragrance "Honey Blood," because if you recall she is obsessed with blood. I still love her.

Alexandria calls her signature scent "Diamondatrix," which I think might also be her stripper name. She takes about fifteen years to put hers together like, okay this isn't actually going to be in Macy's, Alexandria. Chill the eff out. Once they're all done, Nigel comes in and lays it out for them: they will be selling their perfume to their fans that night. They will have shower gel and bubble bath and stuff, all infused with their fragrance, and they'll actually be in the bathtub in a bathing suit as they sell it. Um, that sounds really dumb and tacky. The winner gets immunity at elimination, but Bianca doesn't care. She also thinks it sounds dumb and tacky. She's all, "Tyra would never sit in a bathtub and sell something! She's a business woman! When am I going to be taken serious!?" Okay first, I put nothing past Tyra Banks. Second, learn how to use adverbs and third, never. You will never be taken serious(ly).

At the fake launch party for their fake fragrances, Bianca wears a dress and refuses to get in the tub. Meanwhile, Lisa is a mess, booty dancing and splashing around. You guys, I have a feeling that Lisa has been That White Girl at the bar one too many times. You know which girl I mean. Kayla and her fragrance are "Free," but Nigel thinks she seems kind of timid and unsure of herself. Cycle Three winner Eva is there for some reason. Her hair is like, white and I do not like it. In the tubs, Laura is sweet and having fun, as are Allison and Dominique. Bianca? Still not getting in that damn water. Beyonce never posed in a bathtub! Neither will Shannon really, because she is so pure and stuff.  Her scent is called "Smitten," but I don't think she knows what that means? She keeps describing it and it's...not the definition of smitten. Idiot. Nigel and Eva think she's too wrapped up in trying to embody a specific image. Ya think? Then Nigel gets into the tub to prove his point. I don't even know.

Eva and Nigel choose Lisa as the winner because she is the "most sellable and most marketable" of the bathtubbers. So this is another week that we will not be free of Lisa. Sigh. In addition to the immunity, she will be the face of an official America's Next Top Model fragrance launching soon. Ew. It will smell like desperation. The following day the girls meet with Mr. Jay for their photo shoot. This is a night shoot with motorcycles. Their assignment is to become a "larger than life" personality, namely either NeNe Leakes from The Real Housewives of Atlanta or Snooki of Jersey Shore. Alexandria rightfully wonders how she's supposed to get her high fashion back after being criticized for looking like a reality TV star when she's assigned to look...like a reality TV star. Good question. Shannon predictably does not know who these people are because Jesus hates television. Lisa also has no idea who NeNe is, but Bianca randomly gets very helpful and tells her all about it. She also mentions that NeNe would never be on the back of some white dude's motorcycle. Truth.

Lisa kills the shoot, obviously. Dominique, Allison, Angelea and Laura all do well, too. Kayla is a little iffy as Snooki. To me, it looks like she's trying too hard. Speaking of, Bianca has special ordered a jar of pickles. Why? Well, that's Snooki's favorite food! She wants to pose with them to go the extra mile. A nice, if not misguided, decision. Shannon is jealous and wants a pickle, but Bianooki says no. Allison also wants one, but just because she's hungry. Bianooki doesn't care - these are her pickles, ya herrrd? She brings them on set and Mr. Jay is baffled, but allows it. And then it looks like she's on the back of a bike, giving a pickle a hummer. Good lord, this is the hot dog shoot all over again. How gross. Mr. Jay is like, "Can I please have it not look like a penis?" and the photographer thinks it's "too porno" to go on. Alas, The Great Pickle Idea has failed. Alexandria also tanks, as does Shannon. Shocking.

Many of the models are convinced that there will be a double elimination. Bianca wants everyone to know that Kanye West would also not pose in a bathtub. Nor would Courtney Love. Um, I am certain Courtney Love would pose in a bathtub. She'd also pose in an alley, a dumpster, a toilet, a crack den and the arms of a hobo. Just sayin'. At panel, Kathy Griffin is there because God hates me. Also I guess because she is a reality star. Whatever. Of course, the judges get on Bianca's case for not getting in the tub as predicted and she immediately starts on her diatribe again. She wants to be "taken serious" as a model, she wants to be more than a reality star! Tyra reminds her quite astutely that she was just a model and then she came back onto a reality television show. Um, yes. This. Bianca says that Beyonce and Rihanna would not get in a bathtub! Tyra is like, "Yeah, but you are not Beyonce." Oh dang. She also mentions, despite what Bianca said, that she would get in the bathtub if that's what was required of her. Tyra seems quite annoyed with her.

I just noticed that now the judges look at the photos on an iPad instead of print outs. RIP, Steve! Tyra announces that it is in fact a double elimination. Lisa gets top photo! Girl is on a roll, y'all. In the bottom are Shannon, Kayla and Bianooki. It's no surprise that Bianooki is sent home for being uncoachable. Kayla is also eliminated, which bums me out. I liked her. Also, I do not like boring ass Shannon, so there's that. But alas. Hey, at least Bianca is off my TV again. Maybe now someone will take her serious.

Winning photo:

America's Next Top Model All Stars: Sisters Are Doing Nothing For Themselves

Remember last week when the corpse of LaToya Jackson came to America's Next Top Model and generously didn't send anyone home? That happened. Is it tasteless to make a Jackson family corpse joke right now? I mean, in light of the whole Jackson family corpse thing happening? Probably. Oops. Well right, LaToya-no-corpse-joke-Jackson didn't send anyone home, although Angelea and Lisa were in the bottom two. Bianca, meanwhile, pissed everyone off. Bre mentions that while she is always there to stick up for her sister Bianca, she's fallen in the competition and needs to start thinking more about herself. For a minute I was really confused and thought they were actually related, but I think she means "sistah," right?

The following day, the models meet Nigel Barker on the beach for their challenge, which is a "Charity Challenge." Nigel is with Brittny Gastineau and Julie Henderson. I literally have no effing idea who they are. Luckily, the title on the screen tells me that Julie Henderson is a "Fiercely Real Supermodel," unlike the cyborgs we've been watching. Bre also lets us know that Brittny is an "incredible socialite that everyone strives to be at some point in their life," and I'm certain that is not true at all. Also, she spells her name Brittny? Really? Ew. The models will be playing flag football along with the previously eliminated models, plus some NFL players just for fun. And for testosterone. The Red Team is made up of Shannon, Kayla, Alexandria and Lisa. Lisa tells us that she's "incredibly fit" while Kayla says she'll be great because lesbians are great at sports. Nice fighting those gay stereotypes, Kayla! Keep it up!

The Blue Team is made up of Bre, Laura, Angelea, and Bianca. You're getting that Lisa and Bianca are on opposing teams, right? Right. Brittny and Julie have pom poms. This is stupid. In addition to playing flag football, the girls will have to grab an NFL player and pose for the camera every time one of them throws a flag and calls a model's name. The winning team gets $5,000 for charity, plus some seriously ugly jewelry from Gastineau Glamour. Honestly, this shit looks like it came from the rhinestone section of Claire's. Gross.

The girls are aggressive. Like, beastly aggressive. Bianca in particular uses the game as an opportunity to bodyslam Lisa multiple times. Alexandria and Bre are also pretty hardcore. Incidentally, this is the only time I have ever seen Alexandria and thought she looked hot. Maybe she needs to embrace her inner tomboy to be successful? The photo challenges are idiotic and Nigel keeps shouting things like, "Give me football wife! Give me referee!" as if that's good direction. Lisa scores the first touchdown for the Red Team, but Bianca isn't threatened because Lisa is "a fireball with no flame." You guys, Bianca is a person with no brain.  The game ends and the Red Team wins - and Kayla wins best photo. In addition to the fugly jewelry, Kayla gets to shoot a campaign on Tyra's "Type F" website, which might also stand for Type Fugly. Oh just kidding, it's Fierce. It's apparently a site dedicated to Tyra acting like a know-it-all and for some reason Andre Leon Talley is there with Kayla dressed like a China-Man cartoon. I don't even know anymore.

At their photo challenge the next day, the models meet up with Mr. Jay. He's dressed like an extra on Boardwalk Empire and with him is supermodel Coco Rocha. She is very long, you guys. They will be doing a "bitch fight" photo shoot, each paired up and posing with Coco. Famous photographer Daniel Friedman is shooting them and he looks like a Mario brother.  The first pairing is Shannon and Bianca, who you remember had quite the bitch fight of their own last week. Or rather, Bianca was a bitch and Shannon cried a lot about being a Christian. Allison and Kayla are next and they do not do well. Allison keeps flailing around, making it impossible for Mario to get a good shot of her. Mr. Jay is embarrassed for them. Yikes.

Coco apparently also teaches posing and Angelea asks her for some advice about angles. Her advice? Just move. Um, thanks. Angelea and Laura do their thing with Coco and Angelea is just tanking. She has no energy at all. In a totally out of character moment, she gets super intimidated by Coco and starts to cry. After a pep talk from Mr. Jay though, she picks it back up. Bre and Alexandria are next and Bre just fucking loses it. Like, she goes completely apeshit, screaming her head off and freaking Coco Rocha out. I think "concentrating on herself more" is not going so well. She's not showing off the clothes or posing - she is just having a fit. The last pairing is Dominique and Lisa and they do quite well. God, will we never be rid of Lisa?

At panel, most of the girls receive positive feedback. The photos seemed pretty lame while they were shooting, but I have to admit they look really cool - very dynamic and interesting. Then there's Bre and Alexandria. Tyra tells Alexandria that her melodramatic expression makes her look like a reality show contestant who got to pose with a supermodel. Um, isn't that exactly what she is? I mean, really? Bre, of course also gets slammed, because she lost her effing mind and looked ridiculous as a result. In the end, it's Lisa and Dominique who come out on top, with Dominique winning best photo. I have to admit, the tranny is working it. Naturally, Bre gets kicked to the curb. She hugs Alexandria goodbye and then walks off without allowing Tyra to pass on any parting words or hugging anyone else. So much for sisters.

Winning photo:

On America's Next Top Model, Bianca's Bad & Lisa Needs To Beat It

It's Week 5 on America's Next Top Model and the ladies are starting to feel the pressure. On their way back from judging, Bre mentions she thought she'd be doing better in the competition. Lisa knows that everyone thinks she's a crazy bitch (truth) but she doesn't want to pass up this opportunity to get back in the public eye and create herself as a marketable brand. It's a very lucid statement and I almost think maybe everyone is too hard on her, but then she acts insane again, so. Nevermind. Bianca is also having a rough day. You know who isn't? Angelea. The 716 diva is high off her best photo win and proceeds to douche it up all over the house, screaming about how excellent she is. She knows that everyone thinks she's trash and "doesn't know her mannerisms," but she's ready to be taken seriously. Angelea demonstrates this by shouting, "WINNING!" at the top of her lungs, which I guess was cooler to say back when this was taped. I just now used air quotes when I said "cooler," by the way.

The following day, Shannon reminds us that she's a Christian. Every time she says it, it makes me dislike her a little more because sheesh, we get it. We get it. If you need to say it every five minutes to feel alright about being in the modeling industry, maybe you should rethink some shit. But anyways, she's a good Christian, you know? So good that she's helpfully created a lottery system to determine who gets the phone in what order. I suppose the models are only given a limited amount of phone time and Shannon just wants everything to be fair and equally distributed, just like it says in the Bible: "And God said, 'Behold, I have given you twenty minutes of phone usage in the model house. You will use this time to complain about your fellow contestants and cry a little and it will be good'." But Bianca dares to question the word of God and also Shannon's math abilities. She got last place in the phone pool and she wants to make sure she'll actually get phone time.  This of course, makes Shannon completely freak the fuck out. "I don't like confrontation! You can have my phone time!" she sobs overdramatically and then lightning strikes Bianca down right there. Just kidding. Lisa butts in, though, which I think is actually worse than being smited by God. Smote? Whatever.

Lisa is like, "Hey, I'm crazy! You shut up about phone time! I'll kill you, bitch! This has nothing to do with me and I'm screaming anyway! Waaaaraggghh!" and shit and Bianca screams back. She's a little more coherent, but marginally. Everyone else walks out of the room in disgust. It's kind of funny. And then? We never know what happens because we cut to their first challenge. What? Wait! Did Bianca get the phone? Did Shannon sacrifice her time like a Good Christian Would?  HOW WILL I DEAL WITHOUT THIS CLOSURE?

Oh well. So we're at Santa Monica Pier and Miss Jay is dressed like she just went on a date with the Gordon's Fisherman. Or that killer from I Know What You Did Last Summer. It's weird. Anytime someone not fishing wears thigh high rubber boots? It's weird. I'm just saying. Their challenge ("What goes around, comes around") will be a fashion show on the carousel. The models will have to step on and off the carousel as it's moving, which is a great opportunity for what I like to call "Tyra Likes To Make People Fall Down" time. Inevitably on Top Model, we get the impossible runway where at least one girl eats it. I suppose that time is now.

I'm pretty amped for all the falling down, but then Miss Jay tells them that they'll be modeling from the new Kardashian line of clothing. Isn't that sold at like, Sears? Um. Laura interviews that the Kardashian sisters are "like, the biggest thing" and so it's an honor to wear their clothes. Someone please tell Laura that she's worn world renowned designers' clothes on this show? Please? Ugh. During hair and makeup, Bianca is still hating on Lisa and Bre is there for her. Angelea comments that she is 100 percent Bianca's support system, while Lisa says that it's more like caring for "a toddler at Disneyland" and I guess both of those are kind of true. But then Kim, Kourtney and Khloe show up and everyone squeals.  Shannon actually jumps around like an idiot. The Kardashian ladies are like, sooo excited to be there and will give the winning model a head to toe look from their line. Oh wow, a free outfit from Sears. That's totally something every high end fashion model covets.

The show begins and it's just the mess you'd expect it to be. Lisa actually does well, because I guess she's used to the feeling of the world spinning too fast. Just about everyone else stumbles, although Angelea makes up for it by making her stumble ghetto fabulous. Trust me, she just does. Bre kills it with a little spin and Shannon does alright as well.  The Kardashian sisters tell them that they cannot decide between two winners, Bre and Lisa. Good for them, I hope they like their tacky Sears wardrobe. When the Ks hit the road, Miss Jay is immediately on Bianca's case because she looked like she just didn't give a fuck out there. "Who you mad at?" Jay asks and she says "Everybody." Miss Jay is all, "Oooh, girl I can tell!" Jay tells her that she basically sucked out loud and Bianca does not handle it well. She's "taking it from the crazy girl and the Christian," which comes off less sympathetic than I think she means it to. Naturally, she has a bit of a breakdown after Miss Jay leaves and she gets into it again with Lisa. Good lord, I am ready for one of them to go home. Lisa is a psycho, but Bianca is getting old.

Back at home, the girls are discussing - what else? Bianca. If she's not able to handle this competition, they all say cattily, she should do everyone a favor and leave. Of course, they all say this under the guise of being concerned for her well being. Bre The Protector is eavesdropping outside, fuming mad. She knows they are all pretending to care, "pretending to be good Christians" (Bre's words, not mine) when they really want Bianca out of the competition for their own benefit. Well, yes Bre. Yes, that's what they are doing. She and her 40lb hoop earrings go upstairs and immediately tell Bianca that they are forming "a coalition" against her, which gives Bianca the rage to continue on more strongly.

The next day they meet with Mr. Jay, who shows them some Michael Jackson costumes. They will be posing as Michael Jackson through the ages, modeling different looks from various periods of his life. I wonder who will pose with the nude little boys? Too easy! Anyways, MJ's old stylist Rushka will be working with them, which I guess is pretty cool even though she is absolutely terrifying. I honestly don't think I'd go near her and that's the truth. They're all pretty excited and so is Mr. Jay. He is practically bursting out of his girls size 14 hoodie and sequined top. Laura gets to wear an actual Michael Jackson original, which means it was worn by MJ himself. Okay I admit, that's kind of cool, if not a little gross. I mean, that guy must've sweat a lot when he danced, you know?  Mr. Jay knows they might need a little extra help with this challenge, so he's bringing in a mentor to get them through it. AGH IT'S A CORPSE! Oh wait, no. It's LaToya Jackson. Holy cow, she looks like her dead brother. This is fucking alarming. Between her and Rushka, I think I'd cry.

Bianca is doing MJ during Thriller and I have to admit, she looks effing firece. I know this might come off a little racist, but I think she and the other African American girls have it a little easier on this one. They just vibe with the costumes a little better. Alexandria and Kayla, for instance, do well but they look a little bit Halloween-y, whereas Dominique and Bre look badass. Also, they aren't wearing stupid black face. Ugh, really photo shoot? Really? Anyway, Lisa is also rocking the Thriller look and she...goes absolutely batshit. I'm talking crotch-grabbing, jump splits, dancing around like a lunatic. Everyone "loves her energy," which sounds like crap to me, but whatever. Bianca ain't threatened, oh no!

After the shoot, Lisa gives everyone a high five and then makes a big show out of denying Bianca one, because we are 10 year old boys. Shannon yells, "Rejected!" because she is the tennest of them all. Bianca is pissed. Shannon the Good Christian doesn't know why that would bother Bianca. She was just joking! She's actually offended that everyone likes to throw the "Christian thing" in her face every time she does something wrong when we are all human and make mistakes. Well yes, that argument works, except Shannon constantly goes on and on about how she is better than everyone and above their behavior because she's a Christian. So...you're a hypocrite, Shannon, just FYI. Not because you're a Christian, but because you use it as a front.

However, at panel, Shannon does quite well. LaToya liked it a lot because she wore belts or something. Actually, everyone does pretty well until we get to Lisa. Lisa, who also looks like Lucille Ball on crack at panel, is in mid-jump and it's kind of impressive but they all seem to be tired of her splits and craziness and say it just doesn't work. Andre Leon Talley does not like Lisa, y'all.  Surprisingly, Bianca also shows poorly, even though on set she did really well. Hmm. Tyra mentions that Miss Jay gave her a call and told her about Bianca's meltdown. Does Bianca have anything to say? Well see, everyone has been hating. But she will not break, oh no! Good lord, shut up Bianca.

During final judging, Lisa gets slammed again by Nigel and Andre, but Tyra and LaToya appreciate her personal style. They keep talking about Michael Jackson in the present tense, which is awkward. They know he died, right? Because I feel like it was widely publicized. But in the weirdest moment, LaToya says that within Allison, she sees a little boy. Yeah, I'll bet you do. Creepy family. It's revealed that LaToya has chosen the best and worst photos, and ranked all of them in order as well. This is a "Top Model first," as though Top Model history is actually a real thing. The winner is Laura! Okay, kind of random. In the bottom are Lisa and Angelea, but LaToya says that her brother was all about love, and so she's sending no one home this week. This is pretty cool, except it means we're still stuck with Lisa. But Michael would want her to stay, or something. I guess that makes sense, since he was nuts, too.

Winning photo:

America's Next Top Model: The Old And The Beautiful

 

Another week, another crazy bunch of modeling bitches acting dumb. I mean, another week of Tyra Banks inspiring young women everywhere. Yeah, that's what I meant. Anyways, the All Stars of America's Next Top Model are celebrating their survival and also Allison's stellar example of the Booty Tooch. The ladies celebrate as they should, with booze, and Lisa reminds us what a drunk ass lunatic she was on her cycle. Remember? She talked to the shrubbery outside and called it Cousin It as she chain smoked and drank herself into a stupor? Oh, the inspiration of this show! Well, Lisa has since gone to "celebrity rehab" and is sober. I don't know if she means she was on that ridiculous show or she went to a fancy rehab facility or what. Was she on that show? With like, Dr. Drew? How sad.

Also sad? Kayla. Speaking of rehab, Kayla is not in good shape. She talks about how upset she is from their "rough panel" and that her heart is racing. What seems like an over dramatic statement quickly becomes quite serious, though. Because Kayla? She like, effing ODs or something. She says again that her heart is racing, but this time she is in bed, gasping audibly and crying. "What did you take?" Bre asks, and she responds, "Three [bleeps] and two ibuprofen." Now, I don't know if they bleeped because it was a brand name pharmaceutical or if it was illegal, but the end result is Kayla hyperventilating and vomiting. The crew comes in, an ambulance shows up and she's diagnosed with "cardiac arrhythmia." Now, this is a funny coincidence, but I happen to have a benign cardiac arrhythmia and while it can be scary and awful, it definitely doesn't make you puke like that. Someone took too many drugs. Yikes.

But no one cares, because they have Tyra Mail. I'm sorry, does Tyra sign her mail "Fierce & Love"? That doesn't even make sense. They all gather that the challenge will be about acting and they're correct. Mr. Jay tells them they are auditioning to be on one of the biggest shows on television, and it's really exciting until he says "CSI". Is that exciting? Really? Okay. They get their scripts, and the models are nervous because they only have 30 minutes to memorize their lines and there is a lot of medical terminology. That's like, more syllables than they're comfortable with, you know? Okay, I'm being mean. No one can say "gas chromatograph mass-spectrometer" properly, and I really cannot fault them for that. It's pretty great when Laura says "barbitonicals" instead of "barbiturates" though. But it's all good, because Angelea's "got the most talent up in this bitch, let me tell you." Lord, I love her. And you know what? Bitch kills it. Loving it. 716 in the house, yo. Lisa murders the script in a different way, in that she doesn't know any of it. She just swears a lot. Then again, Lisa points out that she went last, which left her a 90 minute gap of not studying the script. I have to say, she has a point. Despite Angelea's great performance, Bre wins. Lame.  So Bre, who no one cares about, is going to be on a show no one takes seriously. Fantastic.

The next Tyra Mail indicates that it will be a shoot for Express (one of their prizes is a national ad campaign with the brand) and God, she really does sign her mail "Fierce & Love." How ridiculous. So, in their shoot with Express they are playing a role and it's one of four: the girlfriend, the flirt, the cool chick and the socialite. Hot male models are on hand to help them sell it, which I'm sure everyone is excited about except Kayla.  Angelea, who is really growing on me, is "a rich socialite from the 716 who started out humble, but is now a really rich bitch." Amazing.  Bre is really beautiful, actually. I really just noticed that. Dominique still looks like a tranny. Bianca does not do well, because she thinks she's "a model" and this isn't the real world or something. Mr. Jay is like, bitch please. He and his hot pink lipstick are serious, okay?

Shannon is too commercial, Alexandria looks like a pimp and Laura nails it as usual. Camille, who mentions for the third time that she is 33 years old, struggles. I guess that's like 87 in the modeling world. She has a metaphorical walker. Poor old Camille. Lisa also sucks, which is awesome because I really want Lisa to go home.  She keeps trying to sell this "I am crazy and fun" thing, but you reach a certain age when batshit party girl is no longer cute and she is way past it.

Before judging, Camille reminds us again that she is old as dirt. There is nothing older than Camille. You know, Jesus was 33 when he was crucified and she is like, just as old as Jesus was. Which is like, really old.  Kayla reminds us that she was just in the emergency room having a "mini-heart attack," which is flat out not true. You had a heart palpitation, sweetheart. Let's not get carried away.  Despite this horrifying near death experience, Kayla does well in the photo shoot, as does Laura and Allison. Grandma Camille has dead eyes and isn't engaged. Lisa blames her bad photo on how the male models were hungry. Um, alright. I mentioned I wanted Lisa to go home, right? Bre didn't smize enough, but Angelea's 716-to-socialite photo really impresses. They like her tacky new money attitude. Seriously, that's what they say.

In the end, Angelea wins top photo and Lisa and Camille are in the bottom two for having excuses and dead eyes, respectively. It turns out that majorly sucking and blaming everything else isn't as bad as dead eyes, though, and ancient Camille is sent packing. As she gets in her trusty wheelchair and goes back to the nursing home, crazy Lisa goes on to model another day. Boo.

Winning photo:

Learn To Booty Tooch With The All Stars On America's Next Top Model (Yeah, I Said Booty Tooch)

Can I first start by saying that this season has the most annoying credits in America’s Next Top Model history? And that’s saying something. Man. They give me a seizure. Do not look directly at the credits! Anyway, all the All Stars are fretting about fitting in and finding their place because two big personalities have been sent home. Um, you all have big personalities. That's the point of an All Star season. Duh. Then suddenly, there’s a voice calling from downstairs. It’s very dramatic. Very dramatic. It’s all, “Who is that? Could it be-? No, it couldn’t possibly be- is it? Noo! It can’t be! That isn’t the voice of-?” etc. and then it goes to commercial, so I’m expecting like, some amazing guest judge or a controversial past contestant back to replace someone but instead I get Kristin Cavallari. Yeah. Kristin Cavallari. That’s barely a famous person, let alone an exciting one. Good lord.

Well, Kristin is there to tell a bunch of not really famous people what it’s like to be famous for five minutes and then have to whore yourself around Hollywood so that people don’t forget who you are. It’s hard because like, she was “the bitch” on Laguna Beach, and so she’s always going to “have haters.” Interjection: I am getting so fucking sick of the word hater. Can we abolish it? Can’t we just say “criticism”? Or, I don’t know, people giving their opinions, which is actually an alright thing to do? God. It’s not my problem you went on some stupid show and acted like a bitch and now people perceive you as a bitch, you idiot. It’s yours. These aren’t “haters,” these are “people who watched Laguna Beach and ate what you fed them.” Shut up. So anyway, yeah, haters gonna hate and all that, but even “the bitch” can become famous. Isn’t that great? Then Kristin Cavallari tells them all to make smart choices and know their brand – I’m catching a theme this season, ya know? I don’t think any of this is actually about them becoming models. I think it’s just a how-to guide on being famous when you’re not actually very good at anything.

Then the models meet Nigel Barker at The Grove, home to Extra and Mario effing Lopez. Why does the world keep forcing me to talk about Mario Lopez so much? Ugh. Because one of their prizes is a correspondent gig on Extra, they need to work on their ability to speak English in public without sounding like an idiot. This may be their toughest challenge yet. The girls are divided into two teams and Nigel drops the bomb that the winning team gets full immunity at elimination. Wow. That is very bad odds for the other chicks. AC Slater starts to interview Team One (Laura, Alexandria, Isis, Lisa, Dominique, Angelea) and Lisa Who Loves Diapers goes first. AC asks something inane and her response includes a lot of “Haaaa-ayyy what whaaat?” and high fives. Lisa? Does not do well. Isis is extremely well spoken, which isn’t surprising since she’s been doing speaking tours for more than a year. Angelea is composed and professional, because she wants to treat this like a job. Lisa keeps high fiving each of them after they speak and cutting in as they answer questions. Otherwise, everyone does well, but Lisa might have sunk this ship.

Team Two (Bianca, Kayla, Bre, Shannon, Allison, Camille) is next. Bianca makes the mistake of using the term “word vomit” which is probably a poor choice of words in terms of interview appeal. No one else does poorly exactly, although Alexandria points out that they don’t appear very genuine and she’s not wrong.  They do win, though, because I suppose it’s better to be a little phony than to be all “Hey guuuuuuurl,” unless you are Ryan Gosling. The overall winner is Allison, which I love, because she’s such a weirdo but she is smart.  Meanwhile, Angelea is super pissed because Nigel called her interview boring. She conducted herself professionally, which I don’t really think is a bad thing? But I guess he wants her to be a little gangsta, since that’s her whole deal. So she’s flipping out, hands flying and neck twisting about how professional she is. She’s all, “Bitch, I worked at a bank!” I love Angelea.

Tyra Mail! The note reads, “My, what long legs you have,” which leads the models to believe they’ll be working with animals. This terrifies everyone except creepy Allison, who wants spiders to crawl all over her face. But it’s not animals, it’s stilts. They are paired up, one from the winning team and one from the losing team. They will be wearing stilts. The modeling shoots are so stupid this season, you guys, but at least this is better than hot dogs. Isis and Camille take their turn, and Camille says some kind of super offensive crap about how a transgendered person can’t beat a “real woman.” Um, bitch has a vagina now. Shut up, Camille. Bianca is freaking out, because she’s very scared of heights. She’s paired with Lisa, who I would be a lot more scared of than a pair of stilts, but Bianca hides in the bathroom and cries. Angelea does very poorly with Allison. Alexandria falls down and yells a lot about her ankles, prompting Mr. Jay to talk crap about her to the photographer. Shannon, who basically looks like a dominatrix on stilts, is “totally fine” with her wardrobe, because it’s “a bathing suit.” Mr. Jay casually asks her if she’s sure about four times, trying to hide a smile. See, Shannon, it’s because Mr. Jay thinks you’re a total idiot. Spoiler: you are.

Panel time, and Tyra introduces Kristin Cavallari as “one of the biggest reality television stars living today.” I wonder how much her publicist had to pay America’s Next Top Model to make Tyra read that line? Angelea addresses Nigel – professionally, despite her threats to “bring out the ghetto” – about her confusion with his feedback. She doesn’t know if they want her to be all “girl from the streets” or to become classy and sophisticated. Nigel and Tyra actually explain themselves in a way that makes sense, telling her that her flava is what made fans latch onto her, so she shouldn’t lose it, but she should know when to reign in it. But then they ruin all this insightful conversation with their photo critique. Angelea doesn’t fare as well as Allison in their picture. Why? Well, that’s because she isn’t doing the “Booty Tooch.” What the fuck is a Booty Tooch, you ask? Well, joining the ranks of smize and dreckitude, Top Model has given us another made up word to describe something Tyra thinks is important. Booty Tooch actually just means arching your back when you stick out your behind, so your body has movement and looks more alluring. So yeah, Angelea is lacking in the Booty Tooch Department, which you can see by this helpful infographic they give us.

Allison ends up taking best photo for her tremendous display of Booty Toochery. All the safe girls are safe, although they didn’t like Camille or Kayla’s shots. The best photo of the losing group is Alexandria and the bottom two are Angelea and Isis. Noooooo! Tyra points out that neither girl has the worst photo, “which just shows how important their challenges are”. It really just comes down to the pictures and Angelea’s is stronger. That means Isis goes home, which is such a load of garbage. Even though you’re good, our dumb Mario Lopez challenge is making you go home before boring Shannon and horribly blank Camille? Even though you did extremely well in the challenge and it was Lisa that made you lose in the first place? Boo. Unfair! I do not approve, Top Model. But at least I got to see the most famous reality television star currently living on planet Earth. That was exciting.

Winning photo: