This week on America's Next Top Model: All Fame Whore edition, the models are trying to cope with the recent double elimination. Actually, that's a lie - they totally don't care, because Bianca the Bitch is gone and no one has to deal with her anymore. I guess some people are sad about Kayla (I am) but it's not too big of a deal. Why? Well goodness, they get Tyra Mail from YouTube sensation Madison. You know, the little Asian girl who is obnoxiously adorable and gives makeup tutorials? Yes, well for no reason whatsoever other than the fact that Madison has a decent press manager, she delivers the Tyra Mail, saying they'd better be ready to create a beat. This of course means music videos! Dude, it would be way cooler if they had to create a makeup tutorial with Madison. Oh well. Their actual challenge is a stupid music video. The tracks are already created for the models, but they have to sing and write their own accompanying lyrics. This is a disaster in the making. It also furthers the point that this All Star competition has literally nothing to do with modeling.
After Lisa's win, the girls are off to a recording studio to get started on their music videos. In typical Tyra fashion, she has made up some complete nonsense for the models to use as their inspiration. This time, they need to incorporate "Pot Ledom," into their song, which is "Top Model" backwards. Okay, I'm just going to say that it would actually be "Ledom Pot" but whatever. Fine. Pot Ledom it is. These ridiculous gibberish words have to be a part of their performance. It's also about "fun!" which is some vague-ass shitty direction. Oh, also, have fun! Unlike all those successful pop videos where people are bored and disconnected. It's kind of painful to watch this entire challenge. First of all, none of them can sing. This isn't their fault since this isn't American fucking Idol. Second, seeing them try to incorporate a ridiculous statement like Pot Ledom is absolutely cringe worthy. They all resort to things like, "It's Top Model backwards, y'all!" at the end of their songs. Ugh. Allison has a near nervous breakdown over the whole thing, but then wows them all with her astounding lyrics, "Mother, father, sister, brother, underwater..." See, because it's about family. Family. Yeah. In like, water. Laura sounds like a joke karaoke version of a Taylor Swift song. Lisa naturally does well.
So as the editors are making something somewhat bearable from their horrid excuses for songs, Lisa's fiance comes to visit. He seems somewhat normal and sane, but he's marrying Lisa so that can't actually be true. The next day, the models meet with Mr. Jay for their video shoot. He's very excited about all of their terrible songs. Whatever, you know Mr. Jay pre-ordered the Justin Bieber Christmas album. He's got no cred. Someone with some cred is Game, who will direct their videos. I have no idea who that is, like most of these stupid white girls, but I'm pretty sure Angelea wets herself. I am sure he's famous, I just can't stand current hip hop. Does Game have a tattoo on his face? Interesting. Dominique's song is called "Tooch That Booty," which makes me want to stab her. She's rocking a JLo look. Alexandria is rocking a hot mess look and she is super awkward to boot. Not a good one for this chicky.
Then randomly, Tyra shows up looking like a Forever 21 reject wearing a Pot Ledom leotard. If that wasn't enough, she welcomes Keenan Cahill, who is known for being young, short and rapping with 50 Cent. See, these videos are "going viral," which I guess means they're going to be put on the web. Don't viral videos usually debut with no announcement? Whatever. Shannon and Lisa do well, but Angelea struggles and Game thinks she kind of sucks. She's got dead eyes. No one cares. Game is moved by Allison's dead father story since he's also lost his grandmother, and he is immediately supportive. Allison is kind of sick good. The song is silly, but it's haunting and so is she.
At judging, we get the premiere of their videos. Dominique's features a rhyme with her name and the word "magnifique," and I can't decide if that's a good thing or not. Tyra and Keenan randomly appear in all of the videos, which seems both completely unnecessary and also a little embarrassing. Laura's video is fun and charming, but also pretty stupid. Angelea gets a harsh critique for her dead empty eyes and Alexandria is criticized for not doing enough. Shannon's video plays and I slip into a coma. My roommate finds me and calls and ambulance and I only come out of it three days later. Luckily, I don't remember a thing. I have to admit that Lisa (song: "I Be Like Whoa") has a fantastic video. It pains me to say that, but damn. She has so much energy and her song is the only one that's kind of catchy. But the clear winner is Allison. Her video is completely entrancing, mostly due to her insanely haunting eyes. Game declares her to be the most weirdly beautiful person he's ever seen. I straight up think Game wants to do Allison. She obviously gets best photo/video. Lisa seems peeved. In the bottom are Angelea and Alexandria, both for being boring, robotic and dead in the face. Angelea is saved and Alexandria gets sent packing. For once, this is without much fanfare or drama. I have to wonder: is Lisa seriously going to win this show? Because right now, it's looking like Cousin It the Palm Tree's best friend is about to win a spread of Vogue Italia.
Winning video:
