This week's Real Housewives of Beverly Hills picks up right where we left off last week. If you recall, Kim Richards has a secret boyfriend who looks like a real life version of Shrek. Her sister Kyle is not happy about it, I guess because...well, I'm not sure why. Because she's controlling? Because she wants Kim to be closer to her, but she's actually pulling away? Because she's genuinely worried for Kim? It's probably a bit of all three. But regardless, Kyle's crying and completely failing at being supportive. Kim wants her to be happy for her; Kyle insists that Kim is just lonely, that she's making a mistake, that this Ken fellow isn't good enough for her. She believes all this without ever seeing them together, mind you. But God, don't call her judgey! She is not judgey, okay? Clearly.
Kim thinks that now (with Kyle bawling) is the perfect time for Kyle and Ken to meet. Ken, despite his ogre face, is nothing but polite. He's wearing a "promise ring" from Kim, which makes Kyle excuse herself to go cry some more. Is she crying because her sister is mentally in the seventh grade? What grown woman gets a grown man a promise ring? Is he going off to war? Kyle fully believes that Ken is bad for her sister, but she hopes to God that she's wrong. Frankly, I don't believe that for a second. She wants to say "I told you so" so badly on this one. As for Kim, she says that this is the first thing she's ever done in her life that she's wanted to do. I'm sure the children she's mothered are thrilled to hear that statement.
Our favorite Maloofers Adrienne and Paul are having a fancy dinner. It's Paul's birthday. Paul is still an insufferable asshat who orders Adrienne's food for her. There are tiger prawns. This scene is basically a waste of my fucking time. I suppose the point of this whole dumbass dinner bit is to shine light on Adrienne's concern for Taylor and Russell Armstrong. She has a hard time understanding Taylor and aptly describes her as a complete fucking mess I'm paraphrasing, but that's the gist. One minute Taylor's hysterical and inconsolable, the next she's insisting that everything is great. Adrienne hints that she suspects physical abuse, to which Paul responds, "I don't believe it! C'mon!" because he's a shit head. I don't get how anyone can be around Taylor for more than five minutes and not realize she's a victim of abuse, but hey, whatever. They're concerned, but then there's a sparkly birthday cake and they don't care anymore.
Meanwhile, Taylor is nominated for what surely must be a fake award. Something about women in business or women's business or busy women or some such nonsense. Obviously, she doesn't win because Taylor Armstrong is not a winner, but all the ladies are there to support her. Well, almost all the ladies. It seems as though Taylor purposely left Lisa Vanderpump off the guest list since she hates her and thinks she's spreading tabloid rumors about her and all. But Kyle totally sticks her foot in it by asking Lisa on the phone where she is - isn't she at the luncheon for Taylor? No? Oh, she wasn't invited? Whoops! This is obviously staged, since a camera crew just happens to be filming Lisa that afternoon as she makes a phone call, but it's kind of entertaining nonetheless. Social snubs are always funny!
And here he is - more Russell Armstrong. Can I just say that he is unequivocally creepy and not just because he's now dead. Because he really is. Oh hey, there's Dana Wilkey. She and her boobs are supportive of Taylor, by the way, but Adrienne thinks that Taylor is being passive aggressive by not inviting Lisa to the event. You know what? It's not, really. It's not passive aggressive to not invite someone you don't like to a luncheon in your honor. I'm just saying.
The following day, Lisa is having a tea. We're treated to a horribly offensive scene where Lisa tells her housekeeper Rosia that she just wants her to come in, pour the tea and leave. That's the only time she wants to see her. Seriously, she says that. Those are the words that she says. Rosia is actually wearing a pink uniform like she's a Mexican maid in a bad movie. Shut the fuck up, Lisa Vanderpump. They are having a "casual tea," full of champagne, cucumber sandwiches and pastries no one will eat. Adrienne, Kyle and Camille arrive first. I wonder, has Kim called to skip out yet? Is she "packing" some more? I wonder if Ken "packs" with her. Anyway, Kyle gossips a bit about her sis and they give Kim a ring and...ha! She can't come because of the move. CALLED IT. Oh Kim, never change. Additionally, Lisa's got another email from Russell, this time a tabloid story about how Taylor is on diet pills. Lisa would like to know why he keeps sending her these emails. While I don't think Lisa was actually feeding the tabloids, I will say she's kind of nasty about the whole thing: "At least we know Taylor is eating, even if it is diet pills," she says. Ouch.
And then, Taylor arrives. It's very dramatic, with a slow motion cruise up the driveway in a big black SUV. After a few awkward moments of small talk, Lisa comes right out with it: she's miffed about the luncheon snub, especially since she's always made an effort to be nice to Taylor. She invited her to the tea as well as her daughter's engagement party. Taylor? Freaks out. She reminds Lisa that she always begins their conversations with, "I'm not your friend." No matter how hard Taylor's tried, Lisa will not be her friend! Oh lord. Honestly, Lisa may not be the most delicate person around, but get a grip Taylor. What she said was, "I know we haven't always been the best of friends, but if you are in trouble, you and your daughter can stay with me." I don't think that's offensive. Hell, it's generous. Lisa knows they aren't close, but she's willing to open up her home to a woman and child in a dangerous situation. But God is Taylor is offended. Why? Because she's fucking delusional. She sobs and babbles and blubbers all kinds of garbage. She's kissed Lisa's ass and bent over backwards to be friends, but Lisa is mean and cruel and stirs the pot and starts fires and...I don't know. It's kind of embarrassing to watch.
Kyle, Camille and Adrienne all squirm awkwardly on the couch. And then it gets really sad. As Lisa stares, baffled by the whole thing, Taylor totally loses it. She says how she's working so hard to better herself and she's "so flawed" and "can't live like this anymore" because Lisa fills her with such anxiety. Oh dear. There's really nothing more depressing than a woman who is so intimidated by another woman that she allows herself to spiral out of control. Taylor clearly cannot deal with what her life has become and Lisa's success and confidence only make it worse. Her offer to help, well intentioned or not, was taken as patronizing. And sure, Lisa is a bitch, but Taylor is so screwed up. I don't even know what Lisa is supposed to do in this situation. Taylor screams that she's just trying to figure out who she is, but it's hard because Lisa makes her feel so bad about herself. Yikes.
At this point Taylor is so pathetic, you have to feel bad for her. But then, she ruins it. Because while she may hate herself (and she clearly does) she's also hungry to take Lisa down. The accusations fly. Taylor claims that Lisa's ego is out of control and everyone thinks so. Camille and Adrienne are silent. Kyle admits that Lisa has an ego, but no one really backs Taylor up. Then again, Taylor's only evidence of Lisa's outrageous ego is that her iPad background is of herself and Giggy. Newsflash to Taylor: you're on a reality show where your lives are filmed and put on national television under the assumption that you're interesting enough for people to care. YOU ALL HAVE BIG EGOS. When Taylor doesn't get the support she wants from the ladies, she storms out. Inexplicably, Dr. Paul Nassif is standing outside the gate, so Taylor unleashes her wrath on him. She insists that everyone talks trash about Lisa (particularly Kyle) and no one will admit it.
Back inside, the women discuss Taylor's meltdown. Lisa wants to know why everyone is concentrating on her relationship with Taylor when they should be concerned about Taylor and Russell. The ladies agree (so do I) and begin trading stories. Camille mentions a time when Taylor visited her in hysterics about Russell, insisting he was leaving her. Then by the end of the visit, she was getting on a G4 with Russell, all smiles. Her manic behavior confuses everyone and they don't know what to think. Kyle offers that it might not be true, or that Taylor is in denial. Lisa is finally first to use the word "abuse," and it's met with an uncomfortable silence. But no one disagrees.
After a bizarre conversation with Paul, Taylor heads back inside for the ultimate confrontation. She's still hell bent on slamming Lisa, but the women are focused on Russell. It's kind of an intervention and Taylor naturally feels attacked. They all voice their concerns vaguely, and Kyle grossly begins every sentence with "I don't know if it's true or not, but..." because she's kind of a gross person. I mean seriously, he hits her. You know it. Stop trying to make everyone like you and support your friend. But she doesn't. In the end, it's Camille fucking Grammer for the win. Out of nowhere, she gets down to business. Nearly in tears, she tells Taylor flat out that they have all been protecting her because her husband beats her. He throws her into walls, he broke her jaw, he hits her. They've all kept it inside, but now she's said it. And maybe it's because her own relationship with Kelsey has pushed her over the edge, but damn. It's about time someone said it.