Remember last week on Top Chef, where we had a bunch of people who may or may not be on the show? And they had to participate in a challenge to determine whether or not they'd make it? And then other people got kicked off? And then even more people got put in an imaginary Bubble of Uncertainty? Guess what - we're doing that again.
Of the 29 contestants, we are down to one final group, plus the Bubble People. Every time I think of the bubble, I think of the Bubble Boy from Seinfeld. "IT SAYS 'MOOPS'!" Um, sorry. Had a Costanza moment. It happens. Anyway, Unemployed Grayson, Lesbian Janine, Asian Kentucky dude Edward and Complaining Molly from Florida are going to have to compete a second time. As the third group prepares for their own challenge, these four stew in the aptly named stew room. They don't know if any more will join them. Additionally, the final group doesn't know how many of the 16 have already made it to the show, so there's no way for them to determine their odds. You know what I think? Stop wasting my time, Top Chef. This is so tedious.
Tom Colicchio, Hugh Acheson and Padma Laksmi are judging this round. Padma is either wearing something Anya from Project Runway made, or a curtain. Chaz from New York has the hots for Padma and always has - he had her picture hung in his middle school locker. I'm sure watching this, Padma felt nice and old at that comment. Now it's time to meet everyone! Again! More people I will soon forget! Beverly the Chef de Cuisine who over-enunciates everything like she's on Wheel Of Fortune, Ashley the sous chef from Seattle, Paul the Executive Chef from Austin, Texas and James Beard nominee, Jonathan the private chef, Some French Dude I Can't Really Understand who works in LA, Andrew of Texas who was nominated by Food and Wine for People's Best New Chef, Bernice the Chef de Cuisine at Sra. Martinez in Miami - that is literally two blocks from my apartment, by the way! - Kim the sous chef, Lindsay who is also a chef at a Michelle Bernstein restaruant and Chaz, who doodles Padma + Chaz 4EVA on his notebook.
The chefs are given a table of ingredients, such as risotto, ox tail, mushrooms - nothing too complicated. They are also given a hidden timer and once they choose, they unveil their time limit. The times are 20, 40 or 60 minutes. Some are thrilled, some are terrified. Andrew from Texas does not want to make his dish in 20 minutes. Chaz has 40 minutes to make risotto, which is kind of not enough time. He mentions that Italians say it takes all night to make it properly and yeah, he's right. Uh oh. As they begin, Tom and Hugh circle the kitchen. Paul mentions that he runs three food trucks in Texas, which have been featured by Anthony Bourdain. Oh man, I love food trucks! Do you live in a city that has food trucks? EAT THEM. Not the trucks, obviously. The food. My fave is Mz Cheezious, if you're ever in Miami. Useless plug! Anyway, the French dude is still moderately incomprehensible, but the screen now helpfully tells me his name is Laurent. He didn't originally want to work in the United States, but now he likes it. Chaz has this huge pot of risotto going and I want to shove my face in it.
Lindsay is racing the clock to get her veal prepared in time. Tom makes his way over to her and she literally bolts to avoid the interruption. It's funny, because she has the most time - sixty minutes. But I guess it takes a long time to cook an innocent baby cow. I wouldn't know, I'm no monster. Just kidding, veal is delicious! Please, no nasty emails from PETA. First group to present are Andrew, Paul and Kim. The judges really like Paul's trout and he makes it through. Yay food truck guy! Kim's lamb was greasy and overcooked and she's sent home. Andrew's mushrooms get him on the bubble. For those keeping track, that's now 12 out of 16 in the final group, plus five in the bubble.
The 40 minute group prepares. Jonathan the private chef is not used to this kind of time crunch and pressure. Chaz cannot get his risotto to cook. Ashley, who's finished, offers to help but he thinks he's okay. But you know what? He's not. He doesn't get his risotto on the plates and is sent packing. Bummer, because he was very likable. Jonathan's brussel sprouts don't get him through while Laurent's duck gets him on the bubble. Bernice from down the street from me - what up, Bernice! 2nd Avenue represent! - screws up her short rib and goes home. Lame! I will go visit you, Bernice! So that's one more in the bubble and one more in the final sixteen. As the final group finishes up, Beverly irritates me by showing us her inspirational sign, which she carries in her pocket at all times. It reads, "I can, I must, I will." That's almost as annoying as an inspiration board. As they present, Lindsay does really well with her dead baby cow and makes it into the final group. Ashley's ox tail wasn't tender enough. Padma offers to put her on the bubble, but Tom and Hugh send her home. Beverly who Can and Must and Will made octopus and they like it. She's in.
Even though I now have grandchildren, we are moving on to the fourth and final competition...so that we can start the competition. Yeah. That's what's happening. Just two spots are left. Edward, Molly, Grayson, Laurent, Janine and Andrew have their 33% chance to make it. Emeril Lagasse has joined Tom, Padma and Hugh for the Final Cookoff. The challenge is easy - 45 minutes and anything they want. The broad scope of the challenge makes Molly nervous, but honestly, suck it up. She's like, "It's sooooo hard when they don't give you a focus!" Seriously? It's hard, as a chef, to just make a dish? Okay, sure. Grayson tells this weird story about how at 15, her mother asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up, but all she wanted to do was drink. Um, at age fifteen? Okaaaaay. Maybe mom should have been wondering why her tenth grader was always drunk instead of worrying about the future. Janine needs to cook because her girlfriend of nine years broke up with her. They had a commitment ceremony and everything and then the bitch was like, "I didn't like your vows!" and broke up with her over the phone. That's some harsh shit.
This happens literally every time I watch Top Chef. I have to go get a snack. It's Kashi cheese-its and wine. I am so classy. Anyway, Edward the Asian from Kentucky notices that everyone else is making seafood, so he decides to do duck. Unfortunately, he nearly slices his finger off in the process. But he's a badass and doesn't even stop cooking as the medic takes care of the wound. Hey, remember in Top Chef All Stars when Jamie needed two stitches and bailed on the challenge? Take note, Jamie! This is how you become hardcore, ya pussy! The pressure is intense as time runs out. All six present together. They're each grilled by the judges, no pun intended. Edward, his nine fingers and his duck do well and he makes it through. Grayson, with her bacon and fig wrapped shrimp, also make it through. Everyone else? Buh-bye! Man, I feel bad for Janine. Grayson and Edward head to the Top Chef house and hope no one thinks less of them for having to cook twice.
Coming up this season on Top Chef, there is some sort of Last Chance Kitchen thing, where Janine and Andrew might still make it! Also at one point, they cook with snakes and Padma says, "I'd better see some motherfucking snakes on the motherfucking plate," which may be the highlight of the season. Stay tuned!