Last week, the America's Next Top Model All Stars rocked out with some seriously horrible pop singles. Alexandria's was the most horriblest and she was sent home, much to Angelea's relief. She's pretty upset at being in the bottom two. Both Shannon and Dominique discuss their inspiration to succeed in the competition - the former says she receives thousands of (fake) letters from (fake) fans every day saying they want to be just like her (lie) and so she's really doing it for them. Yeah, I buy that, Shannon. Dominique has the more believable story of doing it for her daughters. But Angelea? She thinks Tranny-Lookin' Dominique is a big fat phony. Personally, I'm more concerned about Shannon's diminishing weight. Is Jesus against food now?
When they get back to the model mansion, Andre Leon Talley arrives and he's still wearing his stupid China Man outfit. This should be banned forever. ALT tells the ladies that he's arranged a dinner for them and two extremely gay waiter/actors arrive and have a fake argument, which ends in smashed plates. ALT is all, "Hey, sorry about that, but like, they do that in Greece and we are totally going there!" Cue the ear piercing screams and blue and white confetti. Then they all smash plates and Lisa screams "Oooophah!" because she's confused and knows nothing about culture.
Complete with horrifyingly cheap graphics, the models travel to Athens. Ms. Jay is waiting for them and she looks kind of busted. Maybe it's jet lag. She's with Vicky Kaya, host of Greece's Next Top Model. They're told that their traveling isn't over yet - on a short flight to Crete, they need to prepare a statement for a press conference with the tourism board. Winner gets some badass jewelry. Their speech should include information about themselves as well as their knowledge of Greek culture, and preferably some words in Greek. Laura is super nervous, since she has enough problems speaking English. She blames her dyslexia, but I blame the fact that she's a hillbilly.
On the flight to Crete, the models study key phrases and Greek history, plus fix their makeup. Lisa impresses with many Greek phrases, then kills it with a fist in the air, screaming about rock and roll. Um. These are Greek dignitaries? Whatever. Trash is trash is trash, right? She also claims that if she were a goddess, she's be Athena, but I'm thinking more Dionysus. Get it? Cause she's a drunk? Ha! Allison's speech is intelligent and flawless and she speaks Greek very well. Shannon comes off desperate and Dominique is too goofy. And then there's Laura....Oh, Laura. She sounds like a very excited, perky moron. Then she says she'd be Venus if she were a goddess, which is a Roman goddess. Not Greek. Whoops! Angelea charms everyone until she says she has to pee. Nice. Keep it real, girlfriend.
The ladies get to their house and it's crazy beautiful. Ms. Jay follows and critiques the models' speeches. Allison is commended, while Angelea is reprimanded for the bathroom comment. Ms. Jay also thinks Lisa's mid-drift top and miniskirt is not an appropriate outfit to meet Greek dignitaries, but Lisa thinks that politicians enjoy skin based on what she sees on the news. Noted, Lisa. Allison wins and gets a cool bracelet. Mr. Jay shows up next, who tells the ladies that they have a special treat. They get to work with a designer to create their final runway look, which they will only see if they make the finale. Allison wants romance and lace, Angelea wants Grace Jones. Lisa wants Christmas lights and the designer is like um, hell to the no. Honestly, Lisa, can you not be tacky for like two minutes? Dominique is also lacking in the class department and wants glittery metal shining in her crotch. Like Wonder Woman? Good lord.
The following day, Laura is very sick. Poor thing. I have to say, I always feel for the models when they have these 12 hour shoots and are sick the entire time. You know who I don't feel bad for? Fucking Shannon. They are on the water in this gorgeous Greek landscape and will be modeling underwear for their shoot. But wait, don't you remember? Shannon doesn't do underwear! Jesus hates underwear! She's super annoyed because how dare they send her to Greece for free to compete in a modeling competition and ask her to model? Those heathens. She also mentions that she'll never pose with a cigarette. Um, you're an idiot, Shannon. A fucking idiot. As they prep for the shoot, the underwear looks like very cute bathing suits, so I don't know what her issue is. One of the stylists points out that it's much easier to replace a model than an entire layout. Instead of taking this as sound advice to succeed in her field, Shannon makes a stank face.
They are...posing in a big salad bowl? With vegetables? It's very strange. Dominique still manages to look sexy, despite the cucumber and her tranny features. Shannon is still not doing it. Poor Mr. Jay is so frustrated, because she's posed in many things that look like underwear, but she pulls it as a technicality. He doesn't like word games and he doesn't want her to just sacrifice her chance at winning. But Shannon stays strong. Jay attempts to understand her message and Shannon, eloquent as ever, says: "It just comes down to we...underwear is...is you go, ah...it's just kind of different." Well, shit. Now I totally respect your conviction, Shannon, since you've so clearly stated your stance. Idiot. I'm just going to say, I have no problem with someone having specific morals (although I think it's naive to go into modeling and never expect to pose in sexy clothing) but Shannon seems desperate to portray this bullshit Christian image that she can't even support with words. It's idiotic. Angelea does alright with the shoot, whereas Allison struggles a bit. The sun is in her "vampire eyes," which makes them tear up. She struggles to keep her eyes open, which is not good for a photo shoot. Poor ill Laura also struggles, because she feels like refried ass. Lisa, ever the lady, pours olive oil all over herself.
The day of panel, the girls are nervous. It seems too easy for them to assume Shannon will go home. However, when this kind of thing happens, they usually examine the model's body of work, but Shannon's been declining for weeks. So she might be doomed. Allison is especially nervous, but they aren't too hard on her considering her eyes are shut. Angelea and Lisa both have strong photos and Tyra compliments Angelea for modeling "H to T" (head to toe). Shannon? Well, she has no picture. The judges are pretty hard on her in terms of her standards - these bras and underwear look very much like a bikini, whereas actual bathing suits she's posed in show more skin. Semantics are annoying and presents an unclear message. Is it about the label, or the amount of skin you're showing? Shannon doesn't know, because she's pretending to be pious. Dominique's photo rocks, while Laura's received mixed reactions. For real, she's dumping oil on her head. It's not hot.
The judges feel pretty favorably toward most of the photos. They all recognize that Shannon's message is muddled, even pointing out previous photos where she's wearing a skimpy bikini. However, Tyra points out that the modeling world is filled with desperate girls, and it's refreshing to see a model with passion for her beliefs, regardless of how fucking dumb they might be. I might be paraphrasing. Dominique's sexy salad pose gets her top photo, while Laura and Shannon are in the bottom two. The judges have problems with Laura, who's brand is "lovable." Now she's too sexy. Shannon is pure to her brand, but it's also fucking dumb. I still might be paraphrasing. Luckily, Shannon is sent home for being a model who doesn't want to model. Idiot, what did she expect? Tyra also points out that she's the only remaining model who's never had top photo or won a challenge. See, because she sucks? Smell you later, Shannon. Have fun being a self righteous unemployed model!
Winning photo:
