An Open Letter To Chuck Bass

Dear Chuck Bass,

I'm writing not as a critic, but as a concerned fan. I've had a very love/hate relationship with Gossip Girl over the years, but I've always enjoyed your antics. Sure, you're a sociopath and also a rapist (the writers may have forgotten that storyline, but I sure haven't) but I'll admit it: you're entertaining. Even you're stupid Batman voice entertains me. It's a bit puzzling, since you're basically a dick character on a shitty television show, but I can't really help it. You know why? Well, I'm going to let you in on a little secret: girls like damaged dudes. It's one of those weird, stupid things that we of the vagina always end up doing. Liking assholes, I mean. No matter how hard we try, the damaged guy is always the one who gets our heart. I mean really, let's be honest. No one really liked Brandon Walsh; everyone wanted Dylan McKay. Why? Well, Brandon was a good student. He had a solid family unit and a bright future. BORING. Dylan was mysterious! He lived in- wait, what? Oh, a hotel. Yes, a hotel. His father was a criminal, his mother was absent. He had angst. He also spoke in a really deep, gruff, phony voice. Ring any bells? Dylan was the one who made girls swoon, and since you're essentially a 2000s version of him (minus the five-head) you should take that seriously.

This is why I'm writing you a letter. You need to go back to being damaged. Stop going to therapy. Stop walking your dog and saving baby ducks. Stop doing the right thing. It's super fucking boring, just like Brandon fucking Walsh. Remember when Dylan's dad came back and he was all nice, and just when Dylan started to care about him he blew up in a car? And Dylan fell to his knees in anguish and was all, "Noooooo!" and young tweens around the world cried and dreamed of saving him? WE COULD SAVE HIM WITH OUR LOVE. We believed it, man. Well, you'll never live up to Luke Perry, but you're about as close as this generation gets. Unless you count Puck on Glee, which I don't. So let's go back to that, shall we? Where you punch through glass and drink yourself into a stupor and wake up sandwiched between two Thai hookers, reeking of self loathing. That's the Chuck Bass girls want to date/marry/do*. I speak not for myself, but for young girls everywhere - girls who are lonely and looking for a bad boy to save. We miss the Basshole, Chuck. Stop being such a lameass.

Sincerely,
Shelly

*Yes, I realize girls are crazy.