It's Week 5 on America's Next Top Model and the ladies are starting to feel the pressure. On their way back from judging, Bre mentions she thought she'd be doing better in the competition. Lisa knows that everyone thinks she's a crazy bitch (truth) but she doesn't want to pass up this opportunity to get back in the public eye and create herself as a marketable brand. It's a very lucid statement and I almost think maybe everyone is too hard on her, but then she acts insane again, so. Nevermind. Bianca is also having a rough day. You know who isn't? Angelea. The 716 diva is high off her best photo win and proceeds to douche it up all over the house, screaming about how excellent she is. She knows that everyone thinks she's trash and "doesn't know her mannerisms," but she's ready to be taken seriously. Angelea demonstrates this by shouting, "WINNING!" at the top of her lungs, which I guess was cooler to say back when this was taped. I just now used air quotes when I said "cooler," by the way.
Lisa is like, "Hey, I'm crazy! You shut up about phone time! I'll kill you, bitch! This has nothing to do with me and I'm screaming anyway! Waaaaraggghh!" and shit and Bianca screams back. She's a little more coherent, but marginally. Everyone else walks out of the room in disgust. It's kind of funny. And then? We never know what happens because we cut to their first challenge. What? Wait! Did Bianca get the phone? Did Shannon sacrifice her time like a Good Christian Would? HOW WILL I DEAL WITHOUT THIS CLOSURE?
Oh well. So we're at Santa Monica Pier and Miss Jay is dressed like she just went on a date with the Gordon's Fisherman. Or that killer from I Know What You Did Last Summer. It's weird. Anytime someone not fishing wears thigh high rubber boots? It's weird. I'm just saying. Their challenge ("What goes around, comes around") will be a fashion show on the carousel. The models will have to step on and off the carousel as it's moving, which is a great opportunity for what I like to call "Tyra Likes To Make People Fall Down" time. Inevitably on Top Model, we get the impossible runway where at least one girl eats it. I suppose that time is now.
I'm pretty amped for all the falling down, but then Miss Jay tells them that they'll be modeling from the new Kardashian line of clothing. Isn't that sold at like, Sears? Um. Laura interviews that the Kardashian sisters are "like, the biggest thing" and so it's an honor to wear their clothes. Someone please tell Laura that she's worn world renowned designers' clothes on this show? Please? Ugh. During hair and makeup, Bianca is still hating on Lisa and Bre is there for her. Angelea comments that she is 100 percent Bianca's support system, while Lisa says that it's more like caring for "a toddler at Disneyland" and I guess both of those are kind of true. But then Kim, Kourtney and Khloe show up and everyone squeals. Shannon actually jumps around like an idiot. The Kardashian ladies are like, sooo excited to be there and will give the winning model a head to toe look from their line. Oh wow, a free outfit from Sears. That's totally something every high end fashion model covets.
The show begins and it's just the mess you'd expect it to be. Lisa actually does well, because I guess she's used to the feeling of the world spinning too fast. Just about everyone else stumbles, although Angelea makes up for it by making her stumble ghetto fabulous. Trust me, she just does. Bre kills it with a little spin and Shannon does alright as well. The Kardashian sisters tell them that they cannot decide between two winners, Bre and Lisa. Good for them, I hope they like their tacky Sears wardrobe. When the Ks hit the road, Miss Jay is immediately on Bianca's case because she looked like she just didn't give a fuck out there. "Who you mad at?" Jay asks and she says "Everybody." Miss Jay is all, "Oooh, girl I can tell!" Jay tells her that she basically sucked out loud and Bianca does not handle it well. She's "taking it from the crazy girl and the Christian," which comes off less sympathetic than I think she means it to. Naturally, she has a bit of a breakdown after Miss Jay leaves and she gets into it again with Lisa. Good lord, I am ready for one of them to go home. Lisa is a psycho, but Bianca is getting old.
Back at home, the girls are discussing - what else? Bianca. If she's not able to handle this competition, they all say cattily, she should do everyone a favor and leave. Of course, they all say this under the guise of being concerned for her well being. Bre The Protector is eavesdropping outside, fuming mad. She knows they are all pretending to care, "pretending to be good Christians" (Bre's words, not mine) when they really want Bianca out of the competition for their own benefit. Well, yes Bre. Yes, that's what they are doing. She and her 40lb hoop earrings go upstairs and immediately tell Bianca that they are forming "a coalition" against her, which gives Bianca the rage to continue on more strongly.
The next day they meet with Mr. Jay, who shows them some Michael Jackson costumes. They will be posing as Michael Jackson through the ages, modeling different looks from various periods of his life. I wonder who will pose with the nude little boys? Too easy! Anyways, MJ's old stylist Rushka will be working with them, which I guess is pretty cool even though she is absolutely terrifying. I honestly don't think I'd go near her and that's the truth. They're all pretty excited and so is Mr. Jay. He is practically bursting out of his girls size 14 hoodie and sequined top. Laura gets to wear an actual Michael Jackson original, which means it was worn by MJ himself. Okay I admit, that's kind of cool, if not a little gross. I mean, that guy must've sweat a lot when he danced, you know? Mr. Jay knows they might need a little extra help with this challenge, so he's bringing in a mentor to get them through it. AGH IT'S A CORPSE! Oh wait, no. It's LaToya Jackson. Holy cow, she looks like her dead brother. This is fucking alarming. Between her and Rushka, I think I'd cry.
Bianca is doing MJ during Thriller and I have to admit, she looks effing firece. I know this might come off a little racist, but I think she and the other African American girls have it a little easier on this one. They just vibe with the costumes a little better. Alexandria and Kayla, for instance, do well but they look a little bit Halloween-y, whereas Dominique and Bre look badass. Also, they aren't wearing stupid black face. Ugh, really photo shoot? Really? Anyway, Lisa is also rocking the Thriller look and she...goes absolutely batshit. I'm talking crotch-grabbing, jump splits, dancing around like a lunatic. Everyone "loves her energy," which sounds like crap to me, but whatever. Bianca ain't threatened, oh no!
After the shoot, Lisa gives everyone a high five and then makes a big show out of denying Bianca one, because we are 10 year old boys. Shannon yells, "Rejected!" because she is the tennest of them all. Bianca is pissed. Shannon the Good Christian doesn't know why that would bother Bianca. She was just joking! She's actually offended that everyone likes to throw the "Christian thing" in her face every time she does something wrong when we are all human and make mistakes. Well yes, that argument works, except Shannon constantly goes on and on about how she is better than everyone and above their behavior because she's a Christian. So...you're a hypocrite, Shannon, just FYI. Not because you're a Christian, but because you use it as a front.
However, at panel, Shannon does quite well. LaToya liked it a lot because she wore belts or something. Actually, everyone does pretty well until we get to Lisa. Lisa, who also looks like Lucille Ball on crack at panel, is in mid-jump and it's kind of impressive but they all seem to be tired of her splits and craziness and say it just doesn't work. Andre Leon Talley does not like Lisa, y'all. Surprisingly, Bianca also shows poorly, even though on set she did really well. Hmm. Tyra mentions that Miss Jay gave her a call and told her about Bianca's meltdown. Does Bianca have anything to say? Well see, everyone has been hating. But she will not break, oh no! Good lord, shut up Bianca.
Winning photo:
