It's down to the final five on Top Chef Just Desserts and Gail Simmons is down to only two puns in the opening. I'm worried about her, you guys. They aren't even thematic puns. They're kind of sad. Maybe she's not feeling well. Someone who is feeling well is Sally, the last girl standing. She says all kinds of stuff about how weird it is to be the last woman there and I think by "weird" she means "awesome," you know? Then she says, "A girl winning Top Chef Just Desserts? Done," which is not true because it is not actually done yet. But whatever. Then she and Orlando cattily discuss how they don't miss anyone and Orlando is like, "Oh, see that tear in my eye? No, it's just an eyelash," which is the stupidest fucking joke I've ever heard. If you're going to be a bitch, at least be a funny bitch, Orlando.
In an effort to show you what assholes they are, we cut to Chris on the phone with his wife. They are discussing their daughter's health. See, she has a congenital heart defect and her surgery will cost a completely unaffordable $48,000 and you can see the worry etched on Chris's face. It's pretty clear he could use the winnings from this show. But hey, Orlando has a fake eyelash in his eye, so that's sad, too.
In the Top Chef kitchen, the chefs meet with Gail and "one of the founding fathers of pastry," Francois Payard for their Quickfire Challenge. Gail's hair looks exceptionally cute, in case you were wondering. Their challenge is to make a pie, which is quite an easy task. So easy, they should be able to do it with one hand tied behind their backs. Do you see where I'm going here? Yeah. They have to make a pie with one hand. It's one-handed pie time, people! The winner gets $5,000, which isn't too bad. They are all wearing oven mitts on one hand and look really stupid. It amuses me. Within moments, they realize how difficult this actually is. Sally has a lot of trouble slicing fruit. Orlando has to scrap his apple pie idea because he can't peel an apple with one hand (pussy!) and Carlos is zesting a lemon using his stomach. Weird.
Matthew makes a meringue, and as he's toasting it he reflexively straightens the pie tin with his other hand. It's definitely instinct, but it disqualifies him from the challenge and the five grand. What a bummer. Also his meringue looked really good. Sally's pie was too tart and Chris's banana cream was too heavy on the cream and too light on the banana. Carlos and his liquid nitrogen pie comes out on top and he wins the cash. Damn, didn't he win like ten thousand last week? Good for him.
For their Elimination Challenge, the chefs will be cooking for Food and Wine Editor-In-Chief Dana Cowin. They will also be at a carnival. It would be more fun if they were cooking for carnies. Hey, maybe Dana Cowin is a carnie! Wouldn't that be a nice twist? Like, if she showed up and only had three teeth? Alas, that is not the case, so if you were looking for that, you might as well quit reading. For those of you not wanting carnies, congratulations because this is an "upscale" carnival event. Whatever that means.
Sally is planning her dishes with an emphasis on corn - popcorn, caramel corn, corn cakes, etc. She is going to be dealing with flavors that are familiar to her, but not necessarily familiar to the "American palette," because there is nothing American about fucking corn. I mean, is she making corn from outer space? But that's what makes her unique, you know? Corn. Corn makes her unique. Matthew is making a fried apple pie with ice cream and does not mention how foreign apples are to America. He also buys three ceramic pigs for a raffle. I don't even know.
They only have three hours to prepare and the chefs have to move fast. Chris is attempting funnel cake ice cream, which pretty much makes me love him. No one else loves him, though, because he takes literally all the Pacojet containers for himself and leaves none for anyone else. Selfish Chris! How dare you! Sally doesn't let it bother her though, because she is above petty things like emotion. You gotta be tough to be a girl in pastry, or some shit. I mean, it's pastry not the fucking marines, Sally. Orlando is doing a spin on a candy apple with a layer cake. He says something about crunchy and cream and I don't really know what an entremet is, but I'm pretty sold. Carlos loves the carnival, as evidenced by his belly. You notice he's the only one left who has any real weight on him? I'm just saying, I don't know how much I would trust a skinny pastry chef. Except for Johnny Iuzzini. I'd trust him with anything. Carlos is opting for a spin on a Mexican torta, which is kind of like a hamburger, except his will be sweet and not savory. That? Sounds repulsive. I cannot deal with foods that look one way and taste another. Seriously, I can't even eat a Choco Taco. Gross.
My future husband Johnny Iuzzini comes in around the 90 minute mark. He's pretty hard on Orlando for his candy apple entremet, since he's including chocolate. "There's no chocolate in a candy apple!" my future husband argues, and it's clear he's having flashbacks to when Orlando promised a cardamom doughnut and did not deliver cardamom. It's like Johnny's 'Nam. There's Charlie all up in this kitchen! Also, the cake will have no resemblance to a candy apple, which makes Johnny pretty upset. He looks at Orlando like dude, no. Meanwhile, Carlos is still making his weird dessert that looks like a burger. He is making macaroons in place of the "hamburger buns" and Francois Payard just happens to be the macaroon master. My future husband tells him this is basically a horrible idea, and Carlos is kind of realizing that. When time is called, Sally remembers that she left her pudding in the blast freezer and now she cannot get it out. So there goes her foreign corn pudding from Mars.
As the night winds down, Carlos, Orlando and Matthew play "Never Have I Ever," which mostly includes a lot of TMI about their sexual history and how they all want to punch Johnny Iuzzini in the face really hard. It's kind of funny and something they will likely regret filming. They get super wasted and probably have nasty hangovers in the morning. In addition to that, Carlos has to deal with his inedible macaroons. They hardened and he knows he cannot use them, so he whips up some angel food cake instead. As they arrive at the event, it's all very pretty and upscale with some carnivalesque decor. Chris starts to prepare his funnel cake and Carlos serves his "sliders" - I have to admit, they look kind of cute. He also has churros as "French fries," but I'm still grossed out. Matthew gathers names for his pig raffle and some black chick slips him her number. Bonus! The judges arrive and in addition to Gail, Johnny, Francois and Dana Cowin is Hubert Keller. Dana's dress is bright yellow and super fugly, but Johnny's still looking hot.
At judging, it seems that Matthew didn't have anything to worry about. He and Sally are called first for the best desserts. The judges love the many dimensions of Sally's and also want to learn more about this fantastic new ingredient called "corn" she used. What is this corn stuff anyways? So unique, so new to America! On principle alone, I am pleased that Matthew won, even though Sally's dessert actually looked really nice. But I don't like her, so there. Yay Matthew! In the bottom are the remaining three. Everyone is mad at Orlando for his non-candy-apple entremet. Carlos's angel food cake was too sticky and his churros were cold and lacked crispiness. Chris's funnel cake ice cream didn't have enough funnel cake flavor, he was overly ambitious and his strawberry gelee was weird in texture. It seems like Chris is fucked but strangely, it's Carlos who is sent home. His dessert was a failure, even though everyone agrees that he was the most innovative. What a bummer. Bye, Carlos! At least you got a wad of cash before you left.