Hooo-lee crap. That's all I have to say about the Real Housewives of New Jersey lately. After what was mostly a boring season, it really picked up near the end and the finale leads us into a very interesting reunion. First things first, we have a no show when Jacqueline Laurita essentially calls in sick to the whole thing. Can she do that? I mean obviously she can, but wow. I'll bet she got an earful from the producers for that one. Andy Cohen welcomes the remaining four ladies and asks what happened. Dead silence. Yikes. After a few uncomfortable moments, Caroline explains that they are currently filming the fourth season and they had "an incident" the night before which left Jacqueline emotionally wrecked. She "just couldn't come here and look at Teresa" after what happened the previous night. Whoa.
Out of curiosity, I looked at Jacqueline's Twitter today and promptly lost ten minutes of my life reading through her tweets. Jesus, she's vocal. Why hasn't she ever been this vocal on the show!? But my curiosity paid off, because she tweeted that she was skipping the reunion on the same day the whole Melissa stripper scandal went down. I knew it! You have to wonder what else happened that night, because the stripper thing seems to directly involve Melissa in a hurtful way but not Jacqueline. I can obviously see being disgusted with it all, but if Melissa can face her, why couldn't Jacqueline? Burning questions that we cannot yet get answers to. It's weird, because they aren't allowed to discuss any of what's currently happening, but shit is clearly way worse than it was at the end of third season. Like, waaaay worse.
So, remember the cookbook? Of course you do. You'll be glad to know we have confirmation that the sister-in-law comments were indeed about Melissa Gorga. Was anyone on the fence about that? Really? Also, she said that Caroline wasn't Italian, remember? But Caroline doesn't really care about that. She's still outraged at the crack about her son Chris, which Teresa describes as "ha ha funny" or something equally idiotic. Then she just says nonsense. Honestly, it's like nonsense. There's a lot of talk about how long these ladies have been friends (10 years) and how this cookbook was basically the straw that broke the Jersey girl's back. You know, for someone to lose decade-long friendships and most of her extended family, you'd think Teresa would stop acting like such a gigantic asswad.
As with all reunion shows, we have a lot of Big Reveals and the first juicy tidbit we learn goes back to Danielle Staub. Doesn't everything? It also goes back to last season's reunion, when Teresa went completely apeshit on Danielle for saying something about her family. You know, when she shoved Andy Cohen out of the way? Hilarity. Well, apparently she was talking about Melissa's son and how Teresa and Joe didn't go see him when he was born or something. It seems kind of like an overreaction, no? To go at someone like a Sumo wrestler over that? God, Teresa is nuts. This leads into our next Big Reveal, which is that Melissa and Joe signed on to the show without telling Teresa. Yikes. According to Caroline, Teresa had long before turned everyone against Melissa and Kathy, going so far as to tell Caroline and Jacqueline to never compliment Melissa or speak to her on camera at family events. Then: Teresa told Melissa not to do the show because people would make fun of her forehead. Seriously. That's what she said.
Teresa is mad because "both of yous" went on the show without telling her. I'll give it to Teresa, I can see why that would bother her. Then again, she's a life ruining psychotic bitch, so there's that. Andy wants to revisit "The Christening Heard 'Round The World" and okay Cohen, let's not go overboard. Much of the hostility Joey had toward Teresa at the beginning of the season revolved around how Teresa had "changed" once she started doing the show. Melissa reminds her that she had a huge premiere party for the show and they weren't even invited. Teresa's response? If Melissa was a good wife, she would have sees the party notice on Facebook and called Teresa for an invite. Um. That's not how invitations work, Giudice. Hey, Kathy is here! Kathy is pissed that Teresa just called Melissa a bad wife. You tell it, Kathy!
You know, in Melissa's defense, she says that the Christening got really bad because of her husband, not because of Teresa or Joe. This is the difference between Melissa and Teresa and why ultimately, Melissa will continue to win this war. I'm not saying she's not fake, because she definitely can be. But she knows how to play it and she never flies off the handle for minor admittances of guilt. If Teresa could just drop her over-defensive reactions when someone points out a mistake, she'd look a hell of a lot more sane. But alas. Caroline pipes in to add that Teresa never wanted to make up with her brother - that Teresa called him an asshole and said she didn't want to make up. Melissa's jaw drops. Teresa is all, "You're a liar! You're pathetic!" and shit, but Caroline gets that Manzo Zen Master face on and just shakes her head.
Later, after a ridiculously long segment about how illiterate everyone is and about forty clips of "On Display," we get back to the subject at hand: why everyone hates Teresa. Andy reminds Teresa that she called Melissa a gold digger, which she completely denies even though I totally remember that scene. She may not have used the word, but after that montage of Teresa abusing the English language, I don't think she can really make an argument of semantics. Melissa calls her a devil and Teresa says that Melissa is, because she's wearing red. So nyah, nyah, Melissa! I know you are, but what am I? Sheesh.
But wait, Teresa's not all bad! Remember how her husband is a huge criminal and Teresa is writing slanderous cookbooks to repay their debts? Good times! What a saint, she is! So they owe a lot of money, right? Because Juicy Joe is a crook? But Teresa stands by her man unlike those crazy Jews who only stay with their husbands if there's enough money involved. Teresa would like everyone to know that she "loves Jewish people," which I'm sure makes it all better. Then we get into the Giudices' money problems and how Teresa is clearly cutting back, because Gia wanted both an iPod Touch and an iPhone for Christmas and she only got the iPod Touch. Um. They are the same price? I mean, I know one doesn't have a monthly bill attached, but honestly? Apparently now, Gia does have an iPhone, by the way, so obviously Teresa and Joe are teaching their daughters that extreme excess is wrong. It's not like that's what got them into this in the first place or anything. Nope. Then Teresa gets pissed because Kathy and Melissa said they admire her strength, or something.
Next week: part two, more of Teresa vs. Caroline, plus some bonus gossip about Dina Manzo. Bring it, baby!
