Top Chef Just Desserts: Not Fun In The Sun For Anyone But Katzie

On this week's Top Chef Just Desserts, Gail Simmons reminds us that Katzie "won the golden ticket," while Melissa and Craig were "banished from the factory," because she still hates me and still insists on opening the show with a slew of irritating puns.  These puns will be the death of me. As I struggle through them, everyone talks some smack about Katzie, because everyone is a jerk.  There's very little build up or fanfare as the chefs arrive for their Quickfire Challenge. I guess this week isn't a product placement challenge or a DVD release party? Gail and pastry chef Pichet Ong tell the contestants that they are going to make an original chocolate candy bar. That seems...so ordinary? But I guess they can't all be exciting challenges.

The chefs get to work, noting that chocolate takes a long time to set. Boo hoo. In the chaos to get started, Carlos slams into Rebecca's broken arm and she starts to cry. While I'm sure that actually really fucking hurt, I think it's mildly amusing that the girl I've been making fun of for having a whimpery voice is finally in real tears. God, that was mean. I swear I can be a nice person. Ask around, I'm very popular with my peers! But right, anyway, chocolate bars. Chris is awesome and is making two kinds - a white chocolate option and a milk chocolate option.  Katzie has trouble with her banana idea. Matthew struggles with his as well and honestly, it looks like poop. Why do so many things on this show look like poop? I really don't think I should be confronted with so much poop on a cooking show.

Then Rebecca drops...everything. Orlando, who is already finished, surprises the hell out of everyone by helping her finish. She's crying again and he feels bad. "I am human," he tells us, "so I do have a little bit of a heart." This shouldn't have to be clarified, but it kind of does with Orlando. Rebecca is very grateful and also shocked. Me too, man. Pichet and Gail begin tasting, and can I just say that the way they critique is completely annoying? It's so backhanded. "Did you mean for the bottom to be unfinished? Did you mean for the banana part to be this soft? Was the jam supposed to be this liquid?" Yes, yes they did. They meant to screw up. They purposely didn't finish their dishes. They totally, absolutely wanted to give you a soft, incomplete candy bar. Obviously. God. Just say it's unfinished. I hate passive aggressive critique.  Unsurprisingly, Matthew and Katzie are not favorites and Pichet calls Katzie's "a mess on a stick," which irritates the shit out of her because it's not on a stick. I'm with you, Katzie. That kind of thing irks me, too. It's like when people say they're going to the ATM Machine. The M stands for machine, idiots. Gah! Um, right. So then Sally wins the Quickfire. For some reason I can't place, Sally bugs me. Hmm.

Sally has immunity and all the chefs draw popsicles. That's cute. The colored pops signify their teams. They are: Carlos, Sally and Amanda; Katzie, Rebecca and Megan; Chris, Orlando and Matthew. Wow, that last team has the potential to kill it. Orlando admits he loathes all of mankind, but he likes his team because they're good and stuff. I'm summarizing, but that was basically his point.  The Elimination Challenge will take place at Raging Waters, a huge water park. Amanda is confused. Her mother is an immigrant from "Communist Russia", so they never "did the whole water parks and roller coasters" thing. I don't really see how those are related, but alright. Russian Communists hate water parks and roller coasters. Good to know.  Their challenge is to make a "refreshing treat" for the people at the water park. Okay...why is this week so boring? Candy bars and ice pops. Wow. Blow my mind, Top Chef Just Desserts.

Sally, Carlos and Amanda are making smoothies, among other things. That's dumb. Who wants a thick ass smoothie when they're waterlogged?  Orlando, Matthew and Chris are doing a "more refined" treat, which ends up involving waffles.  I always associate refinement with the Waffle House, so I see their point. Orlando likes this challenge because he's from the Caribbean, where there is a lot of water, and he reminisces about "the first time [he] learned to swim," as opposed to the multiple other times he learned to swim.  Whatever. Katzie is all pissed because the Blue Team (Sally, Carlos, Amanda) are hogging the ice cream maker for the majority of their allotted time. I can see being pissed about that. She's all, "I don't wanna be a bitch, but don't mess with me and my desserts." She says while wearing pearls. Why is Katzie wearing a strand of pearls? Weird.  Chris also wanted to use the machine, but he changes his mind and decides to avoid that shitstorm altogether. He is not wearing pearls. His team will use some other machine instead that freezes the mix solid and then slowly unfreezes it to a sorbet or something. I don't understand it because I buy ice cream at the store like a normal person.

My future husband Johnny Iuzzini thinks that Orlando's ice cream sandwich/root beer float combination will be too messy to eat. I think it sounds amazing. Katzie is doing Baked Alaska on a stick with a spumoni twist. Oh, now you wanna put something on a stick, huh? She talks about how she recently went to Spumoni Gardens in Brooklyn and it's her inspiration. My future husband Johnny is all, sounds good, by the way that place is run by my family. Dun dun dunnnnn. It turns out it's not actually his family, but he grew up going there and they are "like family" to him. Then he talks about spumoni and he has such a cute smile, it kills me. I take some time out to doodle "Shelly Iuzzini" over and over again. Siiiigh. Moving on, now Katzie has a very high level of expectation from the harshest critic on the panel. Whoops! Amanda is the only one using the fryer to make funnel cake and Johnny is concerned for her. That means she will probably fail. Then, as he is talking to her, Katzie's ice cream starts spilling all over the floor. She's totally embarrassed and everyone else looks gleefully at each other while Johnny arches his perfect eyebrows in disdain.  Man, there is some serious Katzie-hate going on.

The next day, the ladies all fret about what to wear. They don't want to be in shorts or bathing suits. For a bunch of pastry chefs, only Rebecca is a little chubby so I don't know what they're so worried about.  The chefs arrive at the water park doing last minute prep and they're all wearing shorts with their chef jackets. It's kind of adorable. Then: mayhem. All the kids and adults run from the water park to the chefs' tables like wild, dripping dogs. Katzie's Baked Alaska spumoni thing seems to be popular, but she also keeps spraying everyone in the face with this "refreshing" lavender mist, which is weird. Katzie is weird, y'all.

Then, the worst thing imaginable happens. My future husband Johnny Iuzzini shows up with the rest of the judges and he's wearing manpris. Manpris, guys. I...I just...I don't. My world. Shattered. I am devastated. How can I love a man who wears capri pants? I don't know if I can reconcile this manpri-wearing man with the person I thought I loved. What can I do? What is happening?? WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE?!

Okay, okay. Breathe. You can get through this, Shelly. Orange Team: Chris's fizzy drink looks cool, but is too sticky. Matthew makes them wait too long and his strawberries are warm, which is unappealing. Orlando's root beer float/brownie thing looks yummy, but it's not a root beer float. Johnny Iuzzini just wants a goddamn root beer float and he chides Orlando for false advertising. My heart quivers, but then I see the manpris again and cry. Green Team: Katzie attacks them with her lavender spritz before Rebecca pleases them with a lemon snickerdoodle ice cream sandwich.. Megan has a strawberry float with white peach and basil sorbet, which is also received well. Then Katzie serves up her dish and Pichet Ong is like, "At least this time it isn't a mess on a stick!" har har har!  But really, they all love it. It actually looks pretty great. Even Johnny likes the spumoni. This is not going to make her peers happy.

Blue Team: Carlos presents a Cap'n Crunch popsicle with chocolate dipped in Fruity Pebbles. Seems kind of unrefined to me. All the judges think it's way too sugary. Sally did the smoothie, which is covered in Rice Krispies. Why so much cereal, Blue Team? Lazy! As the judges are talking to Carlos and Sally, Amanda's funnel cake is getting dry and crispy. The judges do not like it for that very reason. Back in the stew room, she knows she's in trouble. Several people note that Sally did a lame ass smoothie when she had immunity and she sort of shrugs. She says she "sacrificed herself," but Rebecca is like no, you have immunity. No sacrifice. Sally, you're still bugging me. You were lazy and you know it.

Judges' Table! In a big "fuck you" to Orlando's power team, Katzie, Rebecca and Megan are the winners. They're all cute and excited, especially Katzie who is named the big winner. She blushes in delight when Johnny tells her that her spumoni would do Spumoni Gardens proud and his smile is so adorable and dimpled, I almost forget about the manpris. Almost.  The other two teams are called in. Orlando doesn't know why his team is there. He defends his root beer float, despite it not being "floaty enough". He's pissed. Chris's fizzy drink was unappealing. Matthew's dish was good for a restaurant, but it was too warm for a water park on a summer day.

Despite her immunity, Sally gets her ass handed to her.  She denies doing a simple smoothie because she had immunity, even though she basically just said that a minute ago. Johnny is all, "You took six hours to make that smoothie? Six hours? Really? Six hours for a smoothie? Really? REALLY?!" and Sally looks properly sheepish and Johnny is officially my future husband again.  I'll just burn the manpris when he's not looking.  Carlos needed something to tame all that sugar, but the real offender is Amanda and her hard, crunchy funnel cake. Gail is not having it! She is just offended to her core by this "pretzel-like" funnel cake! It sickens her! Amanda is sent packing, which is convenient for me because now I won't have to work on telling her and Megan apart. Also, she was boring. Next week: Ad Rock from the Beastie Boys! And Johnny makes people cry. That's my boy.