Maybe it’s a good sign that there are only five puns in Gail’s opening to Top Chef Just Desserts this week. I have to admit, I wouldn’t have been able to resist saying “Nelson sailed home on the Good Ship Lollipop,” either. But honestly. Whoever writes her script should be bitchslapped.
The cheftestants wake up to a note, which they all scream to be “Gail Mail!” and it’s just like on America’s Next Top Model, where emaciated morons screech “TYRA MAIL!!” like it’s a thing every week. Ugh. But the point is, Gail’s invited them to the movies, where they watch Willy Wonka’s Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, obviously. The original, not the weirdo Johnny Depp one. I have a confession, guys: I hate this movie. Hate, hate, hate it. I hated it when I was little and I hate it now. When I volunteered at a preschool for community service hours in high school, we played it for the kids? It made them cry. True story! I had to calm kids down. You know why? It’s terrifying. This movie reeks of child abuse, pedophilia and nightmarish death. I mean, why would kids enjoy a movie about something they love hurting them? Why are the Oompa Loompas so scary? God, I hate it.
Alas, I am alone. Everyone loves it! There are lots of random old people in the crowd and they are – don’t fall off your seat now – the original cast of the film. Shocking. Everyone freaks out. Orlando is super excited that Veruca Salt was sitting right next to him. I would have been much more excited if the band Veruca Salt was sitting next to me. Remember them? Can’t fight the Seether? They ruled. Yes, it’s fun to see an old lady say, “I want it and I want it now!” but chicks with guitars are cooler.
Anyway, it’s the 40th anniversary of the film and to celebrate some special DVD release, they are challenged to create, and I quote, “a room of pure edible imagination.” There is no Quickfire. They are all working as one team and while they will be given the basic landscape of the room, it is entirely up to them to create a magical candy land. They are immediately rushed off to their kitchen to plan and, for once, it goes really well. They all discuss and seem genuinely very excited at the challenge. It’s kind of cute, actually. They’re giddy.
Whoops, spoke too soon. Awesomely talented Chris has sort of elected himself as team leader, even though no one said anything of the sort. He’s probably the best in terms of organization, ideas and skill, but that doesn’t mean he should get to railroad everyone. Then again, Rebecca is all, I wanna make a cupcake! And Chris is like, cupcakes are lame and obvious and underwhelming! And you know what? He’s right. Shut up Rebecca, your voice still annoys me.
The landscape they are given is pretty effing cool. They have a lot of cool ideas, too. Chris is making a chocolate waterfall that is six feet high and Craig is making gigantic gummy bears. Carlos is making edible wallpaper, which is neat because the original cast complained that they actually had to lick plain old tasteless wallpaper on the movie set. Then again, Sally is making a wheelbarrow pile? Of like, orange Oompa Loompa sugar crumbles? It’s kind of weird. We also get her backstory, about how she grew up poor and is currently living with her family because the economy is so bad. In the grand tradition of reality television, this random bit of attention either means Sally will triumph or fall miserably.
My future husband Johnny Iuzzini comes in and checks on Orlando, who is in charge of prepping the chocolate, of which they have an unlimited supply. It’s like a hormonal woman’s dream, ya’ll. At this point, they’ve already gone through 120 kilos (about 250 pounds) and there’s still a lot being made. That is an intense amount of chocolate. Good thing Giggy isn’t eating off the table this week, eh?
My future husband is jealous of the chefs for this challenge, and even though he describes this as his favorite movie in the world, I think me and Johnny can still make our relationship work because of our intense sexual chemistry. But right now, he’s working and he means business, announcing that this is a double elimination challenge. Oh no! The chefs suddenly go into full selfish mode, dropping all the lovely group teamwork we’ve seen this week for a more “every man for himself” attitude. Now that’s more like it, reality TV. Let’s see some fisticuffs!
Gail, Hubert, my future husband Johnny Iuzzini and the Willy Wonka cast members all come in, along with special guest judge, famed cake maker Ron Ben-Israel. They are wowed by the final product. I have to admit, it looks damn awesome, even though they’re playing “Pure Imagination” again for like, the third fucking time and I really loathe that song. Remember when they sang it on Glee? At a fucking funeral? God, I hate that show, too. I am filled with loathing today, sorry about that. Then a ton of kids come in! Megan is a little freaked, since her dessert has bourbon in it. Whoopsies!
Megan gets a bit hammered at the judges table, and let me just say, okay? No one told her there would be minors. So lay off, Gail! And furthermore, multiple chefs defend her (including top finalists Carlos and Katzie) saying they wouldn’t have had the success they had without her. So there! She starts to cry and hiccup and blubber about wanting to make candy because it makes people happy and she just wants to make people happy, okay? Someone get this girl to therapy, yikes. But in the end, it’s Very Gay Craig and Big Meanie Melissa who have to pack their tools and go. Katzie and her garden wonderland take the win, much to Chris and Orlando’s chagrin – neither of them even ended up in the top. Guess she proved us all wrong, huh? Good for her. Me? I’m going to have “Pure Imagination” in my head for a week.
