Different City, Same Dumb Show: Five Eyeroll-Worthy Moments From Last Night's Gossip Girl

Here's a story about me and Gossip Girl. Back in season three, I stopped watching Gossip Girl, because I just could not. take. Taylor. Momsen. God, she was the worst. And then the fates shined down upon me and they fired her stupid raccoon-faced ass. Then last season, I vowed to stop watching because I couldn't stand Vanessa as a character - or Jessica Szohr's absolutely mortifying hair extensions. Seriously, what the hell were those? And then they fired Szohr, too! It's like I work for Gossip Girl! So, season five and I'm back again for more. Basically, the show is a terribly guilty pleasure, and I mock because I love. Also, because it's a really bad show.  Let's go over some of the more ridiculous bits of last night's premiere, shall we?

1. Chuck "I'm not afraid of anything" Bass...I mean, on the one hand, this over the top self destructive behavior is nothing new for his character. On the other hand, this is the exact same plot Bella effing Swan had in the second Twilight book. Yeah, I read them, so what? I like to read things I know I'll hate so I can mock them without ignorance. Yes, I was an English major and yes, I am a snob. I read a Jodi Picoult novel once for the same purpose. But anyway, this is the same thing Bella does when Edward leaves in New Moon. If we start hearing Blair speak in Chuck's head while he rides that motorcycle, I'm quitting this show for real.

Side note: When you do a Wikipedia search for "new moon," it still takes you to the page about the actual moon. That is strangely comforting. Who knew Wikipedia of all things would give me faith in our collective brain?

Anyways.

2. I'm supposed to believe that Serena van der Woodsen wrote a "thoughtful" comparison of F. Scott Fitzgerald's novel The Beautiful and the Damned and this fictional movie script? Let's go even further - you expect me to believe that Serena van der Wooden can read, let alone write a "thoughtful" anything? That girl couldn't write a thoughtful tweet. Not to mention, there is no way she knows how to write a literary comparison. You know that bitch bought all her papers in high school. 

3. Blair Waldorf would never wear such unflattering lipstick. There's nothing more I have to say about it. I just...no. Never. No way.

4. Speaking of horrid, what is happening with this Jew-fro on top of Dan Humphrey's head? I mean, honestly, what is happening?? He spent all summer in The Hamptons like that? And no one said anything to him? Not once? No one? Really? See, this is what happens when Jenny and Little Gay Eric leave for fake school in England. Dan gets a 'fro. Nice.

5. You're telling me that Blair is six weeks pregnant? Speaking just in terms of actual chronology, that seems to be basically impossible, but even if we can suspend our disbelief in like, the way time works, I have a bigger gripe. There is no way in hell a seamstress working on the wedding gown for the future princess of Monaco would ever dare to presume such a thing out loud. Or that Blair Waldorf wouldn't instantly have her fired. Puh-lease.

In closing, let's review all the jaunty scarves Chuck Bass wore.

And then there was that one scene where he didn't have a scarf. His neck is so naked :-(

xoxo!