Did you miss Tyra? I'm gonna be honest: I did not. But I did kind of miss America's Next Top Model and I am a little excited that they're doing an all-star season, even though all-star seasons are already getting to be a bit too much. I mean, it's not enough that 85% of all films being made are actually remakes of old films - but now we have to take actual non-scripted reality television and remake that as well? This ain't the fucking Renaissance, folks.
Anyway, this All Star season of ANTM is bigger and better than ever, with a pretty impressive set of prizes: a $110,000 contract with Cover Girl Cosmetics, a spread in Vogue Italia, a national campaign for Express and a gig as guest correspondent on Extra. That's a whole lotta exposure, ya know? Tyra is also offering up some celebrity guest judges as mentors this season, although "celebrities" might be pushing it, since she names Ashlee Simpson and Kathy Griffin as some.
But the girls are back! Mr. Jay greets them all as they all gather at their new fancy house and confirms to the audience at home that these 14 girls were chosen not on modeling technique, but because they were "fan favorites". These are the contestants who got the most feedback from viewers. That makes much more sense to me after I see some of them, because while there are good models in the group, there are also...not.
Their first photo shoot happens right away, and each girl's shoot is designed around what they are "best known for." Let's go over that, shall we?
Bianca, Cycle 9
"Loud and Sassy" (big mouthed bitch no one liked)
Allison, Cycle 12
"Quirky Doll" (creepy bug-eyed girl with a blood fetish who kind of looks like a Tim Burton character)
Bre, Cycle 5
"Ghetto Fabulous" (yeah, pretty much)
Lisa, Cycle 5
"Wild Child" (behaved as though she had a mental disorder, also peed in a diaper for no discernible reason)
Dominique, Cycle 10
"Masculine/Feminine" (hot tranny mess)
Camille, Cycle 2
"Diva" (see: Bianca)
Kayla, Cycle 15
"Proud Lesbian" (she really likes chicks, okay?)
Brittany, Cycle 4
"Party Girl" (drunk slut)
Laura, Cycle 13
"Country Cutie" (white trash hillbilly)
Alexandria, Cycle 16
"Tough California Girl" (bitch who happens to be blonde and from California)
Isis, Cycle 11
"Confidence" (hotter than half the girls there and she used to have a penis)
Sheena, Cycle 11
"Harlem, But Not Hoochie" (trash)
Angelea, Cycle 14
"Girl From The Hood" (poor)
Shannon, Cycle 1
"Angelic" (uptight prude who refused to pose in the nude)
In addition to dressing up in the style of their most well known qualities, the ladies also quickly start to exhibit them. Bianca gets red extensions and immediately hates them, throwing a fit to Mr. Jay. He reminds her that she had them in her cycle. This logic does nothing for her. But it's really Shannon who takes the cake in typical behavior. In her "Angelic" costume, they have her in a lacy top with lace shorts over a white bikini and angel wings. She refuses to wear the shorts. Why? They are underwear. She does not model in underwear, see? Never, nope, not gonna do it. She opts instead to just wear the bikini bottom. About four different people point out to her that this is actually less clothing, but she is adamant! She would wear a bikini on the beach, but underwear is only for her husband. Well...alright. Idiot. She cries about it. I hate her, you guys.
Can I just interject here? Isis. Is. Stunning. She tells Mr. Jay that she's recently had her reassignment surgery and now she is all woman. No tucking necessary! And she is fucking gorgeous, guys. Just gorgeous and inspiring and I want her to win so bad. She just, you know? Guh. I love her, okay?
The oufits and modeling, for the most part, are pretty fun and well matched. It's a shame to me that they can't think of any other way to define Kayla, who they literally just wrap in a gay pride flag. I mean, okay...but there wasn't a classier way to say she is homosexual? Dumbasses.
The panel takes place before a live audience and the crowd's reactions and comments are taken into consideration during the judging process. Nicki Minaj is there and she is fabulous and I love her so much, along with Andre Leon Talley and Nigel Barker, who has hair and looks weird. Where is Ms. Jay? The judges are in love with Allison's shot as well as Isis'.
Results time and...Isis gets best photo! Hell yes! I mean, my God, look at her. She had a penis, you guys. Alexandria and Brittany are in the bottom for being disliked and irrelevant, respectively. In the end, Brittany goes home in an angry huff. She didn't realize she was so unmemorable and snarks, "I don't know, maybe I should have peed in a diaper so people remembered me!" Touche, Brittany. Touche.
Winning Photo:
