Can I first start by saying that this season has the most annoying credits in America’s Next Top Model history? And that’s saying something. Man. They give me a seizure. Do not look directly at the credits! Anyway, all the All Stars are fretting about fitting in and finding their place because two big personalities have been sent home. Um, you all have big personalities. That's the point of an All Star season. Duh. Then suddenly, there’s a voice calling from downstairs. It’s very dramatic. Very dramatic. It’s all, “Who is that? Could it be-? No, it couldn’t possibly be- is it? Noo! It can’t be! That isn’t the voice of-?” etc. and then it goes to commercial, so I’m expecting like, some amazing guest judge or a controversial past contestant back to replace someone but instead I get Kristin Cavallari. Yeah. Kristin Cavallari. That’s barely a famous person, let alone an exciting one. Good lord.
Well, Kristin is there to tell a bunch of not really famous people what it’s like to be famous for five minutes and then have to whore yourself around Hollywood so that people don’t forget who you are. It’s hard because like, she was “the bitch” on Laguna Beach, and so she’s always going to “have haters.” Interjection: I am getting so fucking sick of the word hater. Can we abolish it? Can’t we just say “criticism”? Or, I don’t know, people giving their opinions, which is actually an alright thing to do? God. It’s not my problem you went on some stupid show and acted like a bitch and now people perceive you as a bitch, you idiot. It’s yours. These aren’t “haters,” these are “people who watched Laguna Beach and ate what you fed them.” Shut up. So anyway, yeah, haters gonna hate and all that, but even “the bitch” can become famous. Isn’t that great? Then Kristin Cavallari tells them all to make smart choices and know their brand – I’m catching a theme this season, ya know? I don’t think any of this is actually about them becoming models. I think it’s just a how-to guide on being famous when you’re not actually very good at anything.
Then the models meet Nigel Barker at The Grove, home to Extra and Mario effing Lopez. Why does the world keep forcing me to talk about Mario Lopez so much? Ugh. Because one of their prizes is a correspondent gig on Extra, they need to work on their ability to speak English in public without sounding like an idiot. This may be their toughest challenge yet. The girls are divided into two teams and Nigel drops the bomb that the winning team gets full immunity at elimination. Wow. That is very bad odds for the other chicks. AC Slater starts to interview Team One (Laura, Alexandria, Isis, Lisa, Dominique, Angelea) and Lisa Who Loves Diapers goes first. AC asks something inane and her response includes a lot of “Haaaa-ayyy what whaaat?” and high fives. Lisa? Does not do well. Isis is extremely well spoken, which isn’t surprising since she’s been doing speaking tours for more than a year. Angelea is composed and professional, because she wants to treat this like a job. Lisa keeps high fiving each of them after they speak and cutting in as they answer questions. Otherwise, everyone does well, but Lisa might have sunk this ship.
Team Two (Bianca, Kayla, Bre, Shannon, Allison, Camille) is next. Bianca makes the mistake of using the term “word vomit” which is probably a poor choice of words in terms of interview appeal. No one else does poorly exactly, although Alexandria points out that they don’t appear very genuine and she’s not wrong. They do win, though, because I suppose it’s better to be a little phony than to be all “Hey guuuuuuurl,” unless you are Ryan Gosling. The overall winner is Allison, which I love, because she’s such a weirdo but she is smart. Meanwhile, Angelea is super pissed because Nigel called her interview boring. She conducted herself professionally, which I don’t really think is a bad thing? But I guess he wants her to be a little gangsta, since that’s her whole deal. So she’s flipping out, hands flying and neck twisting about how professional she is. She’s all, “Bitch, I worked at a bank!” I love Angelea.
Tyra Mail! The note reads, “My, what long legs you have,” which leads the models to believe they’ll be working with animals. This terrifies everyone except creepy Allison, who wants spiders to crawl all over her face. But it’s not animals, it’s stilts. They are paired up, one from the winning team and one from the losing team. They will be wearing stilts. The modeling shoots are so stupid this season, you guys, but at least this is better than hot dogs. Isis and Camille take their turn, and Camille says some kind of super offensive crap about how a transgendered person can’t beat a “real woman.” Um, bitch has a vagina now. Shut up, Camille. Bianca is freaking out, because she’s very scared of heights. She’s paired with Lisa, who I would be a lot more scared of than a pair of stilts, but Bianca hides in the bathroom and cries. Angelea does very poorly with Allison. Alexandria falls down and yells a lot about her ankles, prompting Mr. Jay to talk crap about her to the photographer. Shannon, who basically looks like a dominatrix on stilts, is “totally fine” with her wardrobe, because it’s “a bathing suit.” Mr. Jay casually asks her if she’s sure about four times, trying to hide a smile. See, Shannon, it’s because Mr. Jay thinks you’re a total idiot. Spoiler: you are.
Panel time, and Tyra introduces Kristin Cavallari as “one of the biggest reality television stars living today.” I wonder how much her publicist had to pay America’s Next Top Model to make Tyra read that line? Angelea addresses Nigel – professionally, despite her threats to “bring out the ghetto” – about her confusion with his feedback. She doesn’t know if they want her to be all “girl from the streets” or to become classy and sophisticated. Nigel and Tyra actually explain themselves in a way that makes sense, telling her that her flava is what made fans latch onto her, so she shouldn’t lose it, but she should know when to reign in it. But then they ruin all this insightful conversation with their photo critique. Angelea doesn’t fare as well as Allison in their picture. Why? Well, that’s because she isn’t doing the “Booty Tooch.” What the fuck is a Booty Tooch, you ask? Well, joining the ranks of smize and dreckitude, Top Model has given us another made up word to describe something Tyra thinks is important. Booty Tooch actually just means arching your back when you stick out your behind, so your body has movement and looks more alluring. So yeah, Angelea is lacking in the Booty Tooch Department, which you can see by this helpful infographic they give us.
Allison ends up taking best photo for her tremendous display of Booty Toochery. All the safe girls are safe, although they didn’t like Camille or Kayla’s shots. The best photo of the losing group is Alexandria and the bottom two are Angelea and Isis. Noooooo! Tyra points out that neither girl has the worst photo, “which just shows how important their challenges are”. It really just comes down to the pictures and Angelea’s is stronger. That means Isis goes home, which is such a load of garbage. Even though you’re good, our dumb Mario Lopez challenge is making you go home before boring Shannon and horribly blank Camille? Even though you did extremely well in the challenge and it was Lisa that made you lose in the first place? Boo. Unfair! I do not approve, Top Model. But at least I got to see the most famous reality television star currently living on planet Earth. That was exciting.
Winning photo:
