Previously on
Top Chef Just Desserts, Gail Simmons tells us, the chefs got "wet and wild." which sounds a lot dirtier than she probably means it to sound. Pun count: five. Better than last time, I guess. Katzie took her second win and everyone really started to hate her. Also
previously on
Top Chef Just Desserts, my future husband Johnny Iuzzini wore manpri pants, and I am still recovering emotionally. Only eight chefs remain and they gather in their apartments, trying to figure out what their next challenge will be. Several suggest it will be ice sculpture - is that a pastry chef thing? I mean, they aren't edible. I mean, obviously ice is
edible, you know what I mean, shut up.
So, they're talking about ice sculpture and Sally starts to make fun of Katzie right in front of her. Shitty, although all she keeps saying is "I wouldn't want to be near Katzie with a chain saw!" over and over again, which really isn't that clever or mean. But Katzie? Is pissed. She knows people don't respect her. They think she only does "fun things" and isn't a real pastry chef. Oh Katzie, they are very, very jealous. Poor girl. Of course, then she destroys her credibility as someone to respect by saying, quote: "You think you're better than me? You think you're so gangster in the hood? Girl, watch me!" which, um. I don't really think little Asian pastry chef Sally is trying to be all gangster in the hood? But alright. Rebecca notes that Katzie is basically batshit insane, but it's her insanity that makes her so creative and non-traditional, giving her an edge in the competition. Astute observation, but she still sounds like she's crying.
Quickfire Challenge! Gail introduces guest judge Jordan Kahn, who I suppose is a pastry chef but actually looks like the lost member of The Strokes. Jordan is apparently known for his non-traditional desserts (and also the indie smash album
This Is It) which do not discriminate between sweet and savory foods. For their challenge, they will have to create a dessert using root vegetables. Ew. They're given things like celery root, radishes, parsnip, turnips and jicama. This challenge is hella hard, but the winner gets $5,000, so I suppose that's a good exchange for having to make a dessert with burdock root. That's what poor Megan pulled, and she has no idea what it is. Me either. Carlos decides to mix peanut butter with his celery root, which doesn't sound like a bad idea, but it doesn't work out. Rebecca and her crying voice whimper to Gail and Jordan that she has no idea how to cook (she means cook savory foods as opposed to baking) and Gail tells her, with a bit of an edge to her voice, that maybe she shouldn't say shit like that on a cooking show. Fucking idiot. Chris is disqualified for garnishing after the time limit. Both Matthew and Sally have experience with savory flavors, so they end up on top and Sally wins the five grand. And immunity.
Again. Boo. I am so sick of Sally.
For their Elimination Challenge, Gail tells the chefs that she wants them to "add a little street to their menu" and that to help, she's going to bring in "one of the freshest fellas [she] knows." Um, Gail honey? No one says 'fresh' anymore. Or 'fellas' for that matter. You have just proved yourself uncool. Please cease with the slang attempts, okay? Anyway, Ad-Rock from the Beastie Boys comes in and I'm kind of excited, but also...you guys? Ad Rock is
so old. He's just
so old now. And that makes
me feel old. One of the first records I ever played on my Fisher Price record player was
License To Ill. I knew every word to "Paul Revere" when I was five years old. My older brother was perhaps a bad influence, but whatever. Ad-Rock! Rebecca feels the same way. She's had a crush on Ad-Rock since she was 15 and seeing him this close is "bananas awesome." That was cute.
Not as cute? Is this challenge. Gail and Ad-Rock discuss sampling, and Gail says for this Elimination Challenge, the chefs have to do some "sampling" of their own. They are to incorporate two items from the Beastie Boys Pantry and present their dishes at a street art festival. You guys? The Beastie Boys Pantry is
awesome. In this pantry are all the foods mentioned in Beastie Boys songs, from chicken and pizza to pork and beans, canned ravioli, bacon and matzo. They have Brass Monkey! AMAZING. But the chefs do not agree. They look completely horrified. As Orlando puts it, "What the
fuck are we going to
do with all this
shit?" Luckily for the chefs, the Beastie Boys rap about alcohol...a lot. Many of them take whiskey, rum and beer. Megan snags the Brass Monkey (that funky monkey!) and also sings. Rebecca chooses "a forty and some ham," which makes me like her again. Stop that, Rebecca! Orlando is probably smartest, choosing the white rum with "sugar, coffee and cream" because I guess when it comes to beats, he's a fiend. Chris becomes temporarily mentally deranged and picks the pork and beans and a slice of pizza. Um.
But then, listen all y'all: in "a little bit of a sabotage," there's a twist. Interesting to note: I don't find it annoying when Ad-Rock uses a pun. So each of the chefs has to choose one more item...for one of the other chefs to use. Harsh! Sally gets to pick first, and then each continues, shoving mashed potatoes, falafel, gorgonzola, cucumber and more at each other. Chris now has ravioli in addition to his pork, beans, and pizza. He is starting to regret his choices. Meanwhile, Orlando is sampling his rum a little too much and getting drunk. Lightweight pussy! There's a great moment where he runs by behind Matthew, drops everything in his hands, yells "That was intentional!" and runs away. Ah, drunk people. Orlando also points out that this is the first time they are cooking as individuals. Hey, good point. Then again, he has rum, coffee and peas. So it's not as thrilling as he'd hoped.
Sally is going for "risky" this time with her prosciutto, chicken and cheddar cheese cake. Vomit. She realizes that even though she has immunity, last time she got reamed out for only making a crappy ass smoothie, so maybe she doesn't want to just coast by again. Ya think? Meanwhile, Sally's nemesis Katzie has French fries and butter and wants to make sweet pomme frites. Mmmm. Then again, she also has gorgonzola and provolone. So, there's potential, but it might end up tasting nothing like a dessert. Rebecca is making falafel-infused panna cotta, which sounds revolting. Carlos (popcorn, bacon, cucumber) is making something called "popcorn glass" which is inspired by graffiti since this
is for a street art festival after all. He says it tastes like Cracker Jacks, which is cool. But where's he gonna put the cucumber? Megan is making Brass Monkey sorbet. That funky monkey sorbet.
Chris...is freaking out. I feel pretty bad for him. I feel even worse when he tells us that he has a one month old daughter at home with a congenital heart defect. I mean, Jesus. Why are you on a television show? If I was Chris's wife, I'd kick his ass, for fucking serious, leaving me to handle that alone. Not gonna lie, but I also feel bad for the street art festival goers. Can you imagine attending a
Top Chef Just Desserts event and you have to eat mashed potato cheesecake with a gravy foam? Because that's what Matthew is serving. No, sorry, guys! You don't get a magical candy land or an array of specialty cakes! You get falafel panna cotta. This challenge is making me nauseous. Everyone who has booze in their dish is really selling the booze, I guess so people get wasted enough to think their shit tastes good. Then effing Marcel from
Top Chef shows up and I am fully convinced he does not have a job, because he is on Bravo
all the time. He's very good friends with Sally, which makes perfect sense to me since they are both irritating as hell. Sally describes him as "her homie." At least she didn't write a rap about it.
Speaking of rappers...the judges are here! I mean Ad-Rock, of course. I don't think Gail and Johnny and that other random chick judge from Daily Candy who I can never remember are starting a hip hop group. But they should. With Hubert, of course. He's a total MC. So they like Carlos's popcorn thingy, but my future husband Johnny Iuzzini is immediately on Orlando's ass for using pre-made cookies. Orlando is all, "We only have four hours!" like it doesn't take 40 minutes to make a batch of shortbread cookies. Johnny gives him the eyebrows of disdain. Megan has her Brass Monkey sorbet and a cake, which she calls "No Sleep 'Till Brooklyn," because she likes overkill. The cake is dry. Johnny no happy at dry cake. Johnny frown. Ad-Rock loves Sally's chicken and cheese play on sticky toffee pudding, which I can barely type without gagging. Katzie's French fries are served with both sweet and savory sauces, and no one really loves it. Gail wishes the gorgonzola and provolone had more "intense-ness" because she is "illiterate" and "doesn't know adjectives." Good lord, doesn't she work for a magazine?
Rebecca meets Ad-Rock and totally fangirls him and gets him to sign her cast and then babbles and licks her cast when he isn't looking and shoves the marker in her pants. Just kidding. Only about the last part. Her dish sounds completely repulsive. There's ham and cumin and the aforementioned falafel panna cotta. The only thing that sounds promising is the 40 oz ice cream, which Gail says doesn't taste enough like beer. Johnny is like whoa, this tastes like crap. Chris offers a pork and bean brownie. I want to puke. Matthew is up next with the craziest shit ever: cornbread and mashed potato cheesecake with a whiskey caramel and gravy foam. Oh. My. God. Ad-Rock looks so perplexed by the gravy foam. Johnny is like..."Well, I taste all of the ingredients," and that's probably a good thing? Maybe? Matthew says he wants to throw up all over himself and I know the feeling.
Best part of the episode by far is the Banana Game, where the chefs apparently have a longstanding competition to see who can "banana" each other, which is not what it sounds like. It's leaving a banana on someone's shoulder without them knowing it. Carlos successfully "bananas" Marcel, who then learns of the game. Apparently, you get bonus points if you can "banana" Johnny. I'd banana Johnny any day of the week. We're going to pretend that made sense. Marcel attempts to "banana" Johnny, but fails. Oh, the hilarity.
But now the fun is over, you hear me? Katzie, Megan and Rebecca are called in to the judges' table. But ha! Gail has used trickery on you fools, for you are not the winners - you lose! Yes, these are the bottom three, which is effing mean after how many seasons of calling the winners in first? Man. Cruel, Gail! The way their little faces crumble, it's just not right. They didn't like Katzie's condiments. Megan's cake was dry. Then Rebecca gets about fourteen new assholes ripped as the judges tear apart her dish. She cries like an idiot in front of her childhood crush, which looks as nightmarish as it sounds. Ad-Rock is like, "It was not good and I have no intention of marrying you." Rebecca sobs.
Matthew, Chris and Sally are called in as the top dishes. Sally is triumphant! Suck on it, Katzie, she thinks to herself as she diabolically laughs. Everyone is impressed with how edible their repulsive combinations turned out to be. Ad-Rock says they all "freaked it" but Matthew "freaked it the most" and he wins. Matthew is stunned and says he "freaked the shit out of that gravy." Um. Rebecca, in a life-dream-shattering turn of events, gets sent home by her idol. When she gets home, she's going to take down her Beastie Boys poster from over her bed, that's for sure. I'll be she really regrets that "Hey Ladies" tattoo on her ass right about now.
Full name: Andre Clarindo dos Santos
