Demi Moore & Ashton Kutcher Have A Teenage Breakup On The Internet

You know how you mostly know which friends of yours are having relationship problems, getting divorced, getting engaged, having a child or achieving some great life goal? Through Facebook. I swear, I am just waiting for someone to unexpectedly die and get a Facebook invite to their funeral instead of a call (note to my friends and family: if I die, send a mass text and get the hashtag #shellysdead trending, okay?)

Well, sorry Zuckerberg, but more and more people are choosing to air their dirty laundry via Twitter than Facebook - especially celebrities. My guess is it's because Twitter has a better app. Am I right or am I right? Anyways, it's almost hilarious. No, it's actually hilarious. We can watch in real time as very famous people have very public fights - like Rihanna and Ciara, for instance. Or Chris Brown and everyone. We can see Andy Cohen flirt with Anderson Cooper (please, you know he's hitting that) and we can watch couples break up. And get back together. And then break up again. And so on.

The latest and greatest example of this is none other than my favorite cougar Demi Moore and moron husband Ashton Kutcher. News broke last week that Ashton had (allegedly) cheated on Demi again (allegedly), this time with a 23 year old chick named Sara Leal, who I suppose wants a big fat check made out to that name. Well, it's been a media frenzy ever since. I usually don't follow breakup rumors, because it's mostly boring and not true anyway, but Demi and Ashton are handling it like a couple of tenth graders.

I suppose if they were on Facebook, things would be "complicated," but since we're on Twitter, we've got passive aggressive quotes and song references instead. Last week, Demi pulled out her tattered copy of 101 Appropriate Philosophers to Quote Online During a Breakup and chose Greek philosopher Epictetus, tweeting, "When we are offended at any man's fault, turn to yourself & study your own failings. Then you will forget your anger." Wow. Deep.

But today, shit got real. I'm talking real, people. Both Demi and Ashton stopped following each other on Twitter. An unfollow! That is practically the same thing as setting up a meeting with your lawyers! This is breaking news, you guys. I mean, what will happen next - will Demi delete Ashton from her phone?!?

Well, not to worry, Demi and Ashton fans. They are both now following each other again. PHEW. CLOSE ONE, RIGHT? As you can see, she's only recently added him back. Then again, she added Zooey Deschenal right after, so maybe she was just reading a "Celebs You Must Follow On Twitter" article and got confused. I've attached the image above so you can really get a visual on the gravity of this situation.

Ashton, on the other hand, has chosen to lash out at the public for rumor mongering. I'd like to point out that he is angry here because the public is talking about his personal life. So he's Tweeting about it. On the Internet. To his 7,779,217 followers and the world at large. Because he wants you to stay out of his personal life, okay? Can't you see that? He told you on the Internet that he wants his privacy! God!

Also, I must say. Very original, Mr. Kutcher. I see that wit from Two and a Half Men is already rubbing off on you. Minutes before, he posted his Spotify "now playing" link to let us all know he was listening to Public Enemy's "Don't Believe the Hype," because we are a dead horse and he will beat us!

The couple has made no official comment on their relationship status, though I consider thinly veiled messages on Twitter to be an official statement. Don't you? Mostly, I just really hope they work it out, otherwise Demi is really going to have to change her @mrskutcher Twitter name.