Anyway, last night we met our second "unofficial" cast member, party planner and general super mega rich chick Dana Wilkey. Dana is a friend of Taylor’s, so you know for sure she’s a complete mess of a human being. She’s the person behind Taylor’s infamous $60,000 birthday party for her four year old daughter. Remember that? Those were the days. While Brandi’s social mishaps make me laugh, Dana did not impress last night. The words "trying too hard" don’t even begin to cut it. She’s just…man. You know that person who name drops and mentions what brand of clothes they’re wearing and tells you about the fabulous exclusive party they went to all in one breath? Well that person thinks Dana is trying too hard.
We met Dana very briefly last week at Kyle’s benefit party, but we really got to know her in last night’s episode. Our first real introduction to her pretty much sums Dana up completely: she answers the door, massive tits falling out of a white, sparkling gown, a tiara perched atop her coiffed head. Um. Taylor and Kyle are like…we are under-dressed for lunch? And Dana is like no sillies, I am planning my wedding! See, Dana is getting married next year, so naturally she has to start planning her dress and jewelry now when she knows cameras will be around.
Let’s just get it all out: Dana’s dress? Is ridiculous. I mean, it’s ill fitting and super low cut and revealing for a bride, not to mention her boobs are completely gigantic and are all over the place. They are like 3D coming out of my television. Now, to give her the benefit of the doubt, if her wedding is a year away there is a good chance the dress needs to be fitted properly. God willing. But why go on television wearing it if you don’t want everyone to see your business spilling out? You know?
Plus, oh dear. The tiara. I don’t know how old Dana is, but she is definitely past the age where she can pull off a tiara – is anyone truly capable of pulling off a tiara? I’m not sure. But Dana sure as hell ain’t. So she is there with literally hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of jewelry and gowns laid out around her and her three stylists and assistants. And she’s like, "Oh, so sorry for this! We’re running late! I’ll be ready for lunch soon!" like she didn’t set this entire thing up so everyone could see how effing rich she is. Pathetic. Later Kyle asks if that’s what she’s actually getting married in (it actually is!) and Kyle sings, "Here come the booooobs!" because I kind of love Kyle when she is a Mean Girl.
As Kyle and Taylor cross through the foyer, they notice a stack of professional modeling photos of Dana’s eighteen month old son. Like, oh those silly things, that’s where I left them! Please. I’m surprised she didn’t "accidentally" leave her bank statement out as well. But her son, he’s so special! You see, he is a child prodigy. A genius. He can read and write and she’s taught him to speak Thai. Why Thai, you ask? No one knows. Dana is not from Thailand. Is her fiance Thai? His name is John Flynn, so I am guessing no. Her son models as well and she is "encyclopedia training" with him, which is the most made up thing I’ve ever heard of in my life. Is that like…learning? Why can’t she just say learning? What is wrong with this woman?
Kyle the Mean Girl is like, "Oh, I know, when my daughter was born, she was walking. She walked right out. She’s a black belt. She’s going to college soon." I have mentioned I love Mean Girl Kyle, right? Later, Adrienne has a barbecue and we meet this young child braniac. He is throwing a ball into a kiddie pool and splashing and laughing. But I’m sure the laughter is in Thai, so it’s quite impressive.
Dana as well is still trying to impress at the barbecue. She walks up and the conversation with Camille goes something like this:
Camille: Hi, I like your sunglasses.
Dana: THESE SUNGLASSES COST $25,000.
Seriously, she just says it. Over and over again, she says it, to nearly every person she encounters. Her sunglasses, they are expensive, did you know? Oh yes, they cost $25,000! They are lined with four carat diamonds and are gold python! I personally have no idea what gold python is because I drive a Honda Civic. Is it the skin of a rare snake? Is the snake actually made of gold? Is gold python the African elephant tusk of 2011? I do not know these things. But apparently, it is some expensive and rare shit, whatever it is. Kyle’s like, "I think spending $25,000 on a pair of sunglasses? Is asinine." Yes. Yes it is, Kyle. Preach.
It’s so sad, because she keeps saying it to everyone, so so loudly. You can tell Camille is appalled. She interviews that people with a lot of money like that typically don’t mention it. Well yes, Camille, if they are classy they don’t. Sigh.
Later, Dana discusses her wedding. Someone asks, "When are you getting married?" and her answer is, "Next June. In France. In a castle." The correct answer, Dana, was simply "Next June." Oh my God. This chick is sad, seriously. She’s kind of like her buddy Taylor, in that she’s desperate for people to like her, but it’s definitely less sad and more laughable (namely because Dana is not anorexic and John Flynn is still alive, as far as I know). But in all seriousness, I’m interested to see what Dana’s place will be on this show. While Adrienne and Lisa are definitely over the top lavish, they aren't so unbearably loud about it. Some people go on reality TV for the money and some simply go for the attention. I think we know what category Dana Wilkey falls in.