Now we're back in NYC and Blair has accompanied Derota to a prenatal appointment so that she can fish for info about morning sickness and boob sensitivity and DNA tests. It is all embarrassing for Derota and the doctor angrily tells them to sort it out between themselves. Then he storms out of the room like a child instead of simply asking to see the patient alone, because this is how OBGYNs work in Manhattan. They throw hissy fits. Obviously. Derota puts it together that Blair is preggars, too, but she is wearing that horrible bright red lipstick again and it's just so unflattering that I can't bring myself to care about anything else. Stop letting them do this to you, Leighton Meester!
Meanwhile, Nate is having trouble banging random chicks because he is fucked up in the head and has mommy issues. Speaking of his mommy, she is busy trying to set up an internship for him, and he has the choice of some senator or a dude from Goldman Sachs. Because obviously a pot-smoking moron who isn't even currently enrolled in college - not to mention is the son of a convicted Ponzi schemer - is the ideal candidate for any political or financial positon. Pardon me while I die laughing. He says he can't get little Nate to perform because he can't stop thinking about Elizabeth Hurley. He doesn't know her name! He has no idea how to find her! Dude, you were at her house. I'm sure a New York senator really wants an intern who doesn't know how to Google. Bah.
Dan is trying to figure out which publishing house shortchanged him for a novel by only giving him ten grand. I hope there is more money to come or Vanessa is not only a book thief, but a horrible haggler. Rufus has no life and is making breakfast at the loft. Where is Lily? Isn't she still on house arrest? Why is Rufus at the loft so much? OMG, did they write Kelly Rutherfod off the show? Or even better - is this when she was filming Cyberbu//y? I did not watch that movie, But I did watch this. Ah-maaahzing.
But right, Dan. He wants to know how to break into a bank account, so naturally he calls Serena (who is still in California) for advice. Serena is all, "Um yeah, ask Chuck. I'm about to have lunch with crazy cousin Charlie!" Dan: "Charlie as in 'call me Serena' Charlie?' Ha! But Serena is like, it's all good, crazy stalkers are totally awesome. So Dan hangs up and checks the trusty Gossip Girl GPS tracking device, which is half like Foursquare and half like the Marauders Map from Harry Potter. But instead of cute little footsteps, it's just Chuck's gargantuan head floating through the streets of the Upper East Side.
Back in pad Crazy Fake Charlie, her boyfriend is apparently trying to be a chef. And Charlie is trying to be an actress, I think her last performance went pretty well? Boyfriend Max is slightly charming. Charlie, on the other hand, looks like she wants to vomit when Serena says she's staying in Los Angeles. Good luck keeping your cover now, liarface! Also rocking the nausea department is Blair, who's in that lovely first trimester bit where all tastes and smells make you barf. It's not working out so well when she meets Princess Beatrice Grimaldi and keeps making a pukey face. Beatrice wants to be besties, which means she has an ulterior motive. Blair responds by puking. I hope it ruins that horrible lipstick. Grimaldi always makes me think of The Princess Diaries.I don't know what this says about me.
Serena decides she is taking a semester off, as if she ever went to class once last year. She thinks living with Charlie is like, the most super awesome idea ever, except Charlie's name is not Charlie and she stole a bunch of money from Serena's family. Oops! Speaking of oops, Chuck gets caught by noseypants Dan in an alley, paying some stereotypical ruffians to beat the shit out of him. Oh Chuck, it's come to this. Nate (who is burning what is probably a batch of pot brownies) calls the doc about Chuck's ridiculous road burn and then is like, whatever, I need munchies. I like that they're finally leaning toward the book version of Nate, who was baked 24/7. He was much more interesting then.
Beatrice and her face full of lies chats with Blair about how she's grateful she doesn't have the royal pressures Blair will face, and the huge neon sign of passive aggressive backstabbing would normally be glowing like mad for Blair Waldorf, but she's too busy ralphing from the hot dog vendors. More mishaps: Chuck has fractured ribs and Charlie is conned into buying a huge apartment with Serena. I don't know who's dumber, overly trusting Serena or completely in over her head Charlie. Mostly, I'm going to go with Chuck "I hurt myself because I'm too numb to feel" Bass. This storyline is ridiculous. It makes me want to stab shit.
Beatrice thinks Blair is a drug addict. Or bulimic. Considering she runs to the toilet every five minutes, you can't blame her for the assumption. Elizabeth Hurley is back! She still has no name on the show. I still don't care. Nate is so super boring, y'all. Smoke more weed, Nate. Maybe you can do that plot from the book where you and Georgina take too many horse tranquilizers and almost die? That was awesome. Beatrice is like, Louis? Your fiance is bulimic and he's like, "And? Is that all?" Amazing reaction to a serious psychological and medical condition. Charlie's check for the apartment bounced, which is shocking I know, and she wants to escape with cute boyfriend Max to Portland. There he can be a trendy hipster chef and wear dumb hats and carry Noam Chomsky books around in his messenger bag, He's game! Meanwhile, Dan and Chuck have a pissing match over who was with Blair last. You know like, biblically. I'll bet this fight would be different if they knew fatherhood was at stake.
Blair is at some church thing and she meets the priest who will marry her and Louis. Most of this shit is about two things I know nothing about: Catholicism and French people. I don't get it. The point is, Beatrice is trying to make Blair puke again and she's doing a good job, waving pastries under Blair's nose. She can pass that buttery pumpkin spice treat over this way. I am not with child and love pumpkin desserts. And then Dan is there because...I don't know. This whole show is so weird, what with everyone being obsessed with Gossip Girl texts, but never calling each other when they have something to say. WE KNOW YOU HAVE PHONES. But anyway, he's at the church for no reason, looking completely homeless with the jewfro in full effect. Even God is offended.
Elizabeth Hurley's name is Diana! No one cares! She wants to write a tell-all about Nate's mom, which should raise about fifty thousand red flags, but Nate is only thinking with his pot addled dick, so they do it again instead. So wise, that Nate Archibald. So wise. It's no wonder he's a leading candidate for some internships he's completely unqualified for! Homeless looking Jewfro Dan runs the water in the bathroom to mask the sound of Blair puking her guts out. He is concerned she actually is bulimic again, so naturally she busts out with, "I'm not bulimic! I'm pregnant!" right as Beatrice walks in. Whoopsies! I'm gonna put it out there: Beatrice is super plain looking. Not fit to be a princess at all. You bore me, Beatrice.
Serena is mentally deranged and has set up a situation where CeCe gets Charlie "her trust fund" so that they can live together without "Charlie's mom" knowing, which of course is total bullshit since the bitch isn't even related to them. Question - where is the real Charlie? Is there one? This is just all too weird. Also weird is that Chuck is back in the alley, getting the crap pounded out of him. Then he quotes Hamlet in this broken, tragic voice and I vomit like Blair. He's all, "Is being dead that much worse than being nothing?" and I'm seriously trying to decide whether to laugh, cry or throw something. Chuck, why such a cliche? I mean more than usual. God. Way to literally run a character into the ground, Gossip Girl.
Elizabeth Hurley whose name is Diana gives Nate a job. This has warning bells like whoa. Chuck is diagnosed with some form of self-pitying PTSD where he hurts himself so he can feel, because Chuck has become a Demi Lovato-esque cutter in a perfectly tailored suit. Over the break-up with Blair? Seriously? After everything else that's happened to him, what's broken him is a relationship that he ended? Dumb! Max and Charlie break up and Charlie sends him off to Portland alone to write free verse poetry and make sidewalk street art. Poor artsy, misguided Max. I'll miss you for ten minutes until I forget about you.
Beatrice is super disappointed in Blair's lack of eating disorder because she believes her mom will be thrilled to be a grandmother. Maybe I'm off base, but I think a premarital child is much more of a scandal than a royal with an eating disorder. What do I know? Beatrice is in cahoots with the priest, by the way. I knew he was too cute to be a real priest! Serena's job inexplicably moves her to New York City and Charlie is going with her. Whatever! This show makes no sense, if you haven't noticed. Blair is still carrying a fetus and it might be Chuck's and it might be Louis's. Or is it Dan's? I am really rooting for Dan, no joke. Louis the Lisp is annoying and I'm getting tired of Chuck and his Batman voice and cutter syndrome. Plus, Blair and Dan as parents would be really, really funny. Can you imagine the hijinks? Oh, what fun!
xoxo