Pretty Little Liars Finale - More Questions, Fewer Answers, A Little Bit Of Back Fat

Last week, I posted the top 10 questions I wanted answered in the Pretty Little Liars finale. After last night's episode, I have to say...I'm kind of more frustrated than ever. Just a couple of my questions were answered fully, and others are only sort-of answered with a healthy dose of speculation. Hmmph.

Let's take a look and see what, if anything, has been settled.

1. What happened to their therapist? Did she know too much and meet a bitter end? Will she end up dead, just like Ian? What, if anything, did A tell her? And what will A do with her files and recordings of the girls' sessions?

ANSWER: From what I understand, the therapist was in on it all along, at least to some degree. Her life was never in danger and she seemed to be paid off by A at the end. Why all the scenes with her “discovering” who A was? Not sure. Maybe she didn’t know who she was working for, or maybe it’s just sloppy writing on the show's part.  But if she was paid off by A, odds are nothing the girls said to her was kept confidential. Yikes.

 2. What's the deal with the hockey stick? It belonged to Spencer, but it was clearly used and buried by someone else. Is it the murder weapon? Did the murderer bury it, or is Mr. Hastings covering for someone?

ANSWER: No clue. Maybe something to do with what Mr. Hastings and Jason were whispering about? Or maybe something we don’t know yet at all. Or maybe something from A to throw the girls off track, since the shovel was the murder weapon.

3. What is "The Jason Thing" that Jenna and Garrett keep referring to? Is it related to their creepy peeping Tom club, or to Allison herself?

ANSWER: “The Jason Thing” is that Jenna and Garrett slipped an “I know what you did last night” note into his pocket the night Allison was killed, leading him to believe he was his sister’s killer. Not totally sure on the motive of that just yet – might have been because they wanted to be mean to Jason. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but Jenna and Garrett are not very nice people.

 4. What is the real connection between the DiLaurentis family and Mr. Hastings? It's obviously more than just a lawyer/client relationship. Is he only covering up the forged will, or is there more - and is Spencer correct in thinking the DiLaurentis fam has dirt on the Hastings?

ANSWER: Iffy! I read the scene between Jason and Mr. Hastings at the police station like this: Mr. Hastings was sleeping with Allison, and he told Jason. I might be waaaaay off base. My BFF says it could be anything, and she’s right. So…I guess no concrete answer yet.

5. Why is Aria's brother Mike acting like a depressed klepto lunatic? My theory is he's working with someone - hence the sketchy IM conversations - but who?  Is he stealing things for a purpose, or is it all merely just a cry for attention?

ANSWER: Nada, other than the fact that he’s “working with a therapist” and “opening up.”  Although, it’s interesting that his psychologist was recommended by Dr. Sullivan. So maybe there is a whole lot more to this than we think…

 6. Was Allison being abused by Jason (or his friends) in some way, as has been hinted this season?

ANSWER: No clue! Unless you go with my Allison-was-doing-Mr.-Hastings theory, which means she was sleeping with her friend’s dad and a known peeping Tom. So, pretty fucked up - but not necessarily non-consensual. Also, with the whole inheritance thing, it’s pretty clear that her relationship with Jason was never very pleasant, but at this point, I think there were far more dangerous people in Allison's life than Jason.

 7. What was Jason burying in his front yard? Did I miss something?

ANSWER: I have no idea, unless I did actually miss something. Did I? Help me out, people.

 8. Why was A buying boots online - seriously, this one is making me crazy. Was this answered? Why boots? Why online shopping - and who wears gloves to use their own computer!?

ANSWER: The boots were part of Dr. Sullivan’s “buried body,” though I still have no clue why A was wearing gloves to do online shopping.

9. Will Aria's parents find out about her relationship with Ezra - and just how into Aria is Jason? Did he really "find" those pictures - I highly doubt it. So when did he (or Ian? or Garrett?) take them? And why?

ANSWER: Unless Ezra totally pusses out, he will probably admit to the affair with Aria. Then again, he is kind of a pussy. And Aria is in enough trouble right now as it is. So maybe not. As for the photos, no answers.

10. Is Spencer right in thinking A is actually a group of people? Sure seems likely, considering what he or she (or they!?!) is capable of.

ANSWER: It’s clear that Jenna and Garrett are both in on this somehow. Are they A? I don’t think so. Not to be blunt, but I don’t think a blind chick could be that good of a spy. Also, wasn’t A busy with Dr. Sullivan? But at any rate, multiple people are obviously involved.

Based on everything that's happened, I don't believe that Jenna and/or Garrett are A, but I do think they are working with A - logistically, this finale doesn't make much sense otherwise. I also think Jenna and Garrett were somehow involved with Allison's murder (maybe they were there?) but not the killers.  They wouldn't let that drop in season two. 

Naturally, I am frustrated, but more hooked than ever. See now, this is how you do a whodunit show - I'm looking at you, The Killing. You give a little, but then you draw them back in. And dammit, I'm still obsessed. Here's hoping we get some nice back story during their Halloween special in October.

Some final random observations: I felt very bad for all the girls when they were carrying out A's "tasks" but most badly for Hanna. I am curious to see how her family deals with the aftermath. It looks like Ezra is on the cusp of admitting to Ella that he's dating Aria, but Jackie is apparently now totally batshit crazypants, so. Interesting twist! And finally, the waitress referred to A as "pretty eyes," which is definitely a clue. Who has pretty eyes? It pains me to say it, but Bianca Lawson, who plays Maya, has the most stunning eyes. And she's just come back to town...focused on Emily. No spoilers, just speculation. Something to think about until October...

Ranting With Rizzo Replay 8-31-11

Miss Ranting with Rizzo, or just want
to catch up? Here it is:

Kim Kardashian's Crotch Is On The Internet...Again

I've been accused of being a "Kim K hater," but I promise, I'm not. I'm just as likely to get sucked into a Keeping Up with the Kardashians marathon on E! as the next gal. I have to admit, I find them all pretty enjoyable and entertaining. And with the exception of Kris Jenner, who I think is a total hag who martyrs herself as if she actually has a real job or makes any sacrifices whatsoever shut the fuck up Kris Jenner - uh, right, sorry. Like I was saying, I don't think they're too bad. As like, people. Honestly!

Alright, maybe Kourtney is kind of a bitch (and apparently she doesn't have her sisters' taste for tall dark and handsome athletes, but enjoys scrawny white alcoholic douchebags instead - but hey, it's her life) and maybe Rob has ridden the sister fame train a little too long. But generally, their over the top, ridiculous "problems" make me laugh.

My issue with the Kardashians is this: they are overexposed. I blame Kris Jenner, but I also blame E! Entertainment. Kris, for obvious reasons, and E! because they happen to be the entertainment news channel and just happen to also produce the Kardashians' show. So naturally, it's like a 24-hour news cycle of all the K's - plus Rob, and occasionally poor, neglected Bruce. It was not "the wedding of the century." They are not "the royals of America." They are not even, technically, anything. Except - they are everything.  Because if you think about it, they're everywhere. They've all, at some point, attempted every sort of career. A kind person might call them entrepreneurs. Others might say talentless rich people who have too much time and money on their hands. This is where today's story comes in.

Between fitness wear and perfumes and diet pills and clothing stores and club openings and modeling shoots, at one point Kim Kardashian thought it would be a good idea to have a music career as well. Hell, why not, right? Everybody has a fucking single! Didn't Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton both have albums? Well shit, if Countess Luann can have two singles, so can Kim fucking Kardashian! Right? Wrong.

Her single "Jam (Turn It Up)" was created (I use the word "created" in the technical sense, as in it was manufactured - I'm sure no actual creativity went into it) and then tossed aside, thankfully forgotten and discarded. But naturally, a snippet of the single and it's official video teaser have leaked. Spoiler: it's fucking terrible.  She's covered in like, baby oil or something. She's practically naked. The extreme shots of her boobs and ass are angled so closely and oddly, it's hard to tell what's going on. What are these greasy, shiny orbs being shoved in our faces?  She's crawling. There's a lot of slow motion lip licking.  And then there's the completely fantastic vag-from-behind shot, where she bends over to show us Kim's Kamel Toe. Excellent.

Kim, honey, you've come full circle. Isn't this how your career got started, with your crotch all over the web? And now here you are, still glowing from your post-honeymoon bliss...or maybe you're just covered in baby oil again. Not sure. Take a look!

'MOVES LIKE JAGGER' BY MAROON 5 FEAT. CHRISTINA AGUILERA LANDS IN AT NUMBER 1

Maroon 5's "Moves Like Jagger," featuring Christina Aguilera, struts to the top of the Billboard Hot 100, rolling 4-1 with Airplay Gainer honors for a third consecutive week. Maroon 5 lead singer Adam Levine makes chart headlines of his own, as well, thanks to a leap into the top 10 as a guest on Gym Class Heroes' "Stereo Hearts."



"Jagger" returns for a second week at No. 1 on Digital Songs (2-1) with 217,000 downloads sold (up 6%), according to Nielsen SoundScan. On Radio Songs, the collaboration darts 15-11 with 72 million all-format audience impressions (up 20%), according to Nielsen BDS.



The song marks Maroon 5's second Hot 100 No. 1. The band previously reigned for three weeks in 2007 with "Makes Me Wonder." For Aguilera, the return to the chart's apex ends an even greater hiatus. She had last ruled alongside Lil' Kim, Mya and P!nk on "Lady Marmalade" for five weeks in 2001. "Jagger" is Aguilera's fifth Hot 100 No. 1. She banked three leaders from her self-titled debut album in 1999-2000: "Genie in a Bottle," "What a Girl Wants" and "Come On Over Baby (All I Want Is You)."



The accolades don't end, however, for Maroon 5's frontman Adam Levine. He concurrently enters the Hot 100's top 10 (15-10) as a featured artist on Gym Class Heroes' "Stereo Hearts." The track vaults 7-3 on Digital Songs (146,000, up 28%) and 37-23 on Radio Songs (40 million, up 28%).



The ascensions of "Jagger" and "Stereo" grant Levine an unprecedented (and certainly quirky) Hot 100 achievement: he becomes the first artist in the chart's 53-year history to reach No. 1 as part of a group and enter the top 10 as a soloist in the same week.



"Jagger" dethrones Katy Perry's "Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)" from the Hot 100 pinnacle after two weeks at No. 1. The song - the record-setting fifth No. 1 from her album "Teenage Dream" - plummets to No. 5, owed largely to a 4-14 fall on Digital Songs (85,000, down 45%). The song does, however, return (2-1) for a third week atop Radio Songs (133 million, down 4%).



In between "Jagger" and "Friday" on the Hot 100, LMFAO's former six-week No. 1 "Party Rock Anthem," featuring Lauren Bennett and GoonRock, holds at No. 2; Foster the People's "Pumped Up Kicks" roars 7-3; and, Bad Meets Evil's "Lighters," featuring Bruno Mars, rises 6-4.



Rounding out the rest of the Hot 100's 10 are Nicki Minaj's "Super Bass" (5-6); Lil Wayne's "How to Love" (8-7); OneRepublic's "Good Life" (9-8); and, Pibull's former No. 1 "Give Me Everything," featuring Ne-Yo, Afrojack and Nayer (11-9).



On the doorstep of the Hot 100's top 10, Rihanna claims Digital Gainer honors with "Cheers (Drink to That)," which soars 17-11. The song bounds 15-5 on Digital Songs (131,000, up 68%), while lifting 19-17 on Radio Songs (52 million, up 13%).



Two titles that make lofty leaps into the Hot 100's top 20 will likely sport further gains next week following buzz-generating appearances on Sunday night's (Aug. 28) MTV Video Music Awards. Lady Gaga's "You and I" charges 35-16, up 92% in digital sales (to 109,000) and 50% in airplay (to 32 million). Adele's "Someone Like You" similarly soars 34-19 on the Hot 100 with gains in sales (95,000 downloads, up 68%) and radio play (29 million, up 41%).



Eight songs debut on the Hot 100, led by "Hell on Heels" (No. 55) by Miranda Lambert side project Pistol Annies. The song is the title cut from the trio's debut album, which shoots onto the Billboard 200 at No. 5.



Game, who takes the Billboard 200's top spot with "The R.E.D. Album," enters the Hot 100 at No. 100 with a cut from the set, "Martians Vs Goblins."



All charts, including the Hot 100, Digital Songs and Radio Songs will be refreshed tomorrow (Sept. 1) on Billboard.com.

Sugababes cover loaded magazine.

Sugababes 4.0 spice things up for men's magazine Loaded. Above check out the cover, which features the trio suiting up in some hot outfits and posing fiercely.

Stacey Dash Reveals That She Is Not Returning To Single Ladies

Okay, Single Ladies fans, the news you’ve all been waiting for/dreading is here. In an exclusive statement to Global Grind, Stacey Dash has revealed that she is not returning the VH1 hit series. The rumors of Dash’s departure and supposed behind-the-scenes drama ran rampant as the show’s first season came to an end, and today marks the first time that Dash has publicly spoken about them. Her full statement is below. As always, we look forward to everything you have to say about this in the comments.



Dash says:



“I truly enjoyed playing Val on Single Ladies, but I have decided to leave the show. I have to be back in LA with my children right now and the ‘Single Ladies’ shooting location makes that impossible. I wish VH1 the best of luck with the show and in maintaining the strong fan base we developed in season one.”



VH1 also responded, saying “VH1 respects Stacey’s decision and her commitment to what she feels is best for her family. We thank her for all of her hard work in making ‘Single Ladies’ a success right out of the gate, and we wish her nothing but the best in her future plans.

Brad Pitt appears as a real life hero during 'World War Z' filming, rescues an extra.

One of the world's most attractive man, the producer of Academy award wining "The Departed" Brad Pitt has proved a real life hero another time. This time he heroically rescued an extra during the shooting of his new film "World War Z" from being trampled.

As a report by The Scottish Sun, Pitt, who is staring as a United Nations employee in the zombie apocalypse film, was filming a scene in which 700 extras tear through George Square in Glasgow, Scotland, on Wednesday. During the scene, a woman fell down, putting herself in danger of being run over by her fellow extras. But Pitt, a real-life hero, swooped in and brought her to her feet.

"Lots of people hurt themselves, and Brad came to the rescue of a woman who slipped," a witness told the paper of the fleeing-from-zombies scene. "I don't think she could believe it when Brad picked her up. He didn't have time to speak to her as it was mid-shoot. But she said afterwards how grateful she was, despite having a badly-grazed knee.”

Other extras also received "bumps and scrapes" during the elaborate take. After a string of injuries occurred on set, filming was paused for a "safety talk," The Sun reported. The sci-fi thriller "World War Z" will be released in December 2012. Other film coming that year is "Cogan's Trade." He is also the producer of those films.

A Scene from "World War Z"

J Lo’s New Kohls Commercials?

Chris Brown Fan Returns His Rolex Watch At MTV VMA's

Born as Christopher Brown on May 5, 1989 in Tappahannock, Virginia, he has been drawn to music since his childhood and was heavily influenced by the sounds of Michael Jackson, Aretha Franklin, Stevie Wonder, and Anita Baker.

Chris Brown thought his $22,000 diamond encrusted Rolex was LOST FOREVER when he accidentally tossed it into the crowd at the MTV VMAs.

Brown's watch is a gold Rolex with a white oyster face and diamond-encrusted bezzle, came loose at the beginning of his performance, so he took it off and tried to toss it to a safe place, all while dancing his face off.

But Brown missed his target and the watch ended up in the crowd.

After the performance, Brown's bodyguard went into the audience and asked if anyone had found the watch, not really expecting anyone to come forward, but to his surprise, the watch was in the possession of an HONEST person, who returned it to its rightful owner.

Brown's rep said "Although Chris did not get to meet the fan, he is very appreciative of the fan's actions."

T.I. Released From Prison

Rapper Clifford Harris well knowed as T.I. unquestionably possesses all the quality needed to receive such title looking from the superb talent and skills he has shown through his growing career in American music industry.

Unfortunately T.I. was sentenced to 11 months behind bars after his drug possession on the Sunset Strip back in September 2010, an arrest that caused law enforcement officials to revoke his probation stemming from a federal gun conviction back in 2009.

Now, T.I. has been released one month early from an Arkansas prison, and is on his way to either a community living facility or home confinement.

Chris Burke, spokesman for the Federal Bureau of Prisons, tells us T.I. was released at 7:29 AM local time, and is "in transit" to begin the next leg of his sentence.

His attorney, Jonathan Leonard, confirmed T.I. was released but did not immediately say where his client is going.

T.I. checked into prison on November 1, 2010 and he was originally scheduled to be released on September 29.

Moments later is already back on Twitter and just tweeted saying, "The storm is over & da sun back out. IT'S OUR TIME TO SHINE SHAWTY!!!!! Welcome to the beginning of our Happy Ending!!!!"

He also said, "Feels great to be back where I belong...Back in the arms of those who need me the most."

Season 8 Bad Girls Club revealed!

Season 8 of The Bad Girls Club takes over Sin City!Looks look like the girls can sin all they want here!

I Think Writer Isaac Marion Is Neat (And You Should, Too)

Let me start out by saying, I am not one of those "zombie people." You know, the ones who have ten different "funny" zombie t-shirts? I think maybe it's a boy thing? I don't know. I confess that I've never read The Zombie Survival Guide, and Pride and Prejudice and Zombies has been sitting on my shelf untouched for at least a year. I will admit, though, I think The Walking Dead is a good fucking show. But I digress.

My point is, I'm not really the type to pick up a zombie book. However, after reading a couple reviews of Warm Bodies by Isaac Marion, I was intrigued. A zombie love story...but with a twist.  Here's the official book summary, which I suppose time and effort went into so I won't bother trying to come up with my own:

A zombie who yearns for a better life ends up falling in love—with a human—in this astonishingly original debut novel.

R is a zombie. He has no memories, no identity, and no pulse, but he has dreams. He doesn’t enjoy killing people; he enjoys riding escalators and listening to Frank Sinatra. He is a little different from his fellow Dead.

Not just another zombie novel, Warm Bodies is funny, scary, and deeply moving.

Don't let the quote from Stephanie Meyer on the cover deter you! It really is a great book, even if that idiot also thinks so. Warm Bodies is pleasantly honest, from the gory details of an insatiable appetite for flesh to the tragic love of young people in a fucked up world.  It's completely depressing at times (just like life) but then it gives you that tiny spark of, "well...maybe," and it's that spark that makes this book truly special. Because that's the whole thing, isn't it? We all have fucked up memories and failed dreams and regrets and desires and it's that little bit of hope that still keeps us from becoming...well, zombies.  Isaac Marion skillfully draws you in (I can't believe this is his first novel) and shows that hope and love and death and the apocalypse are all pretty much inevitable, but that doesn't mean you have to give up.

Like everything on the planet, Warm Bodies is being made into a movie, which is pretty awesome. It's staring Nicholas Hoult, who is also awesome, even though he makes me feel really wrong, because I remember him as that kid in About A Boy, and now he's all hot and shit. But yes, he's got a good actor who is also enticing jail bait as the star. Pretty damn cool. 

Plus, Isaac Marion is pretty effing funny. Warm Bodies, though consistently poignant, also makes you laugh. And he's funny in real life, too. I cannot get enough of his Twitter, because it's full of gems like this and this and this. And my fave:

I mean, c'mon.

Sure, he's a total hipster, complete with the RV and the haircut and I'm pretty sure he lives in Seattle or something, but this guy is not a cliche. This is not Twilight: Now With Zombies!  It's a good book, and you should pick it up. He has a Facebook and a blog as well. I promise I don't know him - I just think he's neat (and I might have a bit of a book crush, but whatever). You should think he's neat, too, because I have impeccable taste.  Anyways, check out Warm Bodies and see for yourself. Or don't, losers. And Isaac, if you happen to see this, sorry for being a creeper and stealing a picture from your Facebook account. 

Fun From The Internet: Criminal Hook-Ups And Disney Rappers

If you asked me to name some of the most repulsive famous people right now, both Lindsay Lohan and Chris Brown would top the list, no question. So, naturally, they have been caught Twitter-flirting with each other. Because I suppose when you’re a talentless, lonely, drunken, coked up has-been who likes to accessorize your Louboutin heels with a police-sanctioned ankle bracelet, who could be more attractive as a mate than a talentless, aggressive, homophobic, violent, girlfriend-abusing scumbag who goes from calm to fits of rage in seconds flat? Duh! Match made in heaven!  

During Sunday’s VMAs, Lindsay tweeted:

Which I wouldn’t know, because I fast-forwarded through it. Thank God for DVR. But “killed it” is an interesting choice of words, no?

Chris then re-tweeted this declaration of admiration, which is like saying, “Yes, I killed it dead, I am super awesome!” I suppose.

I can only imagine the glee that struck Lindsay’s glazed-over eyes at this re-tweet, the modern-day form of checking “yes” on the “Do you like me?” note. She then, grossly, tweeted back:

The public conversation ended there, so we can either assume they moved their discussion to a more private type of sexting thing, or that Lindsay passed out, or that some poor janitor in charge of the restrooms at the Nokia Theater was really pissed off.

Can you imagine if these two hooked up? Good lord, I think the entire TMZ staff would actually spontaneously combust.  How gross. Then again…is it horrible for me to say that if anyone deserves a good punch in the jaw it’s—no, that’s too mean, right? Ummm.

Because that story was so repugnant, here's your dose of cute for the day: Selena Gomez quite impressively busting out the entire first verse of Nicki Minaj’s “Super Bass.” White girl ain’t too shabby! And it's pretty adorable how she radio-edits herself.  Enjoy!

The Curse Has Legs

I wrote a story about a curse that hasn't
really picked up the type of steam that
the "Curse of the Bambino" or the "Curse
of the Billy Goat" has over the years,
but I promise you that soon enough,
Jets fans will be all too familiar with
what I'm saying, only curse words are
what they will be using to describe it
as opposed to describing it as a "Curse".
This follow up is merely to acknowledge
a fellow writer, Ed Hawkins of 212Sports
who wrote of his frustrations with the
Jets Offense in their preseason game vs
the Giants last night, and even more so
with OC Brian Schottenheimer.

Frankly I'm not surprised, and if you're a
Jets fan you shouldn't be either. In the
original piece I eluded to in detail how
the Schottenheimer clan (there's 3 of them)
have never won anything on any level, and
now, not too long after Marty, Brian's
father was named head coach of the Virginia
Destroyers of the UFL comes word that the
league is in danger of folding. Their
season is already starting later than they
expected, and one of their five teams won't
play at all due to financial struggles.
Now the economy is bad, we can all agree,
but is the "Curse" worse?

Bachelor Pad Recap: Kasey and Crying and Kissing Are All Part Of The Game

This week’s Bachelor Pad begins right where we left off last week, with Chris Harrison saying Kasey’s name. Aaaaaaand the game is over for Jake Pavelka, who feels the need to give a nice pep talk to the remaining contestants. I will say, even though Jake is a huge tool bag (Really? He tells Kasey it was “amazing” to meet him?) he has some good advice – take out the power couples. Anyone who watched last season will know, the only way to stay in the game successfully is to pair up, and the tightest couple in the house is clearly Kasey and Vienna. So…you might be a total ass wad, Mr. Pavelka, but you have a point.

Kasey, however, is elated. He is so glad to be able to show “who the bigger man is” and that “the devil is gone.” It’s “freaking awesome” and he has “a euphoric sensation all over his body,” which…TMI, dude.  So he has a huge boner about the whole thing and so does Vienna, but there are a few people who aren’t quite so excited.  Princess Erica is super pissed and Ella is tired of Kasey and Vienna’s smug attitude.

Also, randomly, Kasey keeps saying he is the strongest “strategist” but he pronounces it “stra-tee-gist” instead of “strah-te-gist,” and it just keeps making me think of Will Ferrell’s impression of George W. Bush. He has excellent strategery, people.  

Anyways! Vienna knows how close the vote was between Kasey and Jake, and she probably also knows that if Kasey leaves, she has no prayer of winning a dime. She says their plan is to keep an alliance with Michael, Holly, Graham, Michelle, Kirk and Ella – the rest are “expendable.”  Then Chris Harrison comes in and announces that it’s time for the “second annual Bachelor Pad kissing competition,” like we’ve been on the edge of our seats waiting for them all to get cold sores. Yay! Half of the competitors immediately say they aren’t doing it because they’re in relationships, they have kids at home, or they simply value not having mouth herpes. But then everyone does it anyway, save Michelle Money who really does seem to have some sort of respect for her daughter. Sort of. Except she’s on this show. And last week she made out with Graham. And there was that whole season where she went at Brad Womack like a cat in heat. So, whatever. Morals!

One of the most chaste parts of the competition was when Holly got kissed by the men, because they all have respect for Michael. Except Blake, who effing goes for it.  Ballsy! No one wants to kiss Vienna out of the same “respect” for Kasey, but probably because she’s super fugly.  Princess Erica reminds us again how great her lips are because of her collagen injections, but the men don’t seem to agree. Neither does Chris Harrison, if you check out that picture above. And then there’s Kasey…oh, Kasey. Maybe he was too busy guarding and protecting Vienna’s heart to pop a Tic Tac, because all the women complain about his bad breath. Gross. Vienna can barely watch, likely out of embarrassment.  Ella and Blake each win by a landslide, which I suppose is a good thing? For them? Being a good kisser is nice, I suppose. It’s hard to consider achievements on this show as tokens of pride.

This week, it’s “romantic one-on-one dates” rather than groups, and there is an immunity rose up for grabs at each. Ella chooses to go on a date with Kirk and there’s a fancy red sports car and it’s all good until Ella tells the horrible story again about how she and her sister watched her step-father murder their mother, which I just. God. She wants to use the money to open domestic violence shelter for women, so both Kirk and Shelly are now officially Team Ella, FYI. Kirk wants to support her and then there’s a hot air balloon and kissing and duh, he gets the rose.

Crazy Melissa is immediately on top of Blake all, “Take me! Take me! Take me on the date I love you let’s make crazy-eyed babies while my uterus still works!” and shit, but he obviously wants to take Holly.  Don’t hate the player, hate the game, guys.  Blake tries to feel out the situation and Crazy Melissa’s eyes start to turn red and her head spins and Blake realizes he’s totally screwed.  It takes maybe five more minutes for Princess Erica to slut herself all over Blake in attempt for a new alliance.  She brings up some valid points, like how completely unstable Melissa is and how if he takes Holly, he will make a lot of enemies and potentially go home, but there’s all this massaging and rubbing and she tells him she’ll do “anything he wants.” It’s really creepy to watch.

But despite all the warning signs, Blake chooses Holly. Blake = still ballsy!  Crazy Melissa immediately starts in on him and demands an explanation. His response is, I quote: “I…um. Um.” Ballsy, but perhaps not eloquent.  Crazy Melissa is much better with her words in a hysterical fit, calling Holly a “slutty ass bitch,” and Blake a “sociopath.”   While I was watching this, I had a feeling she’d go home, but I really would’ve liked her to stick around.  Crazy Melissa is fun! Naturally, she runs around shit-talking her little heart out, cruelly telling Michael that Holly doesn’t give a damn about him, demanding that Holly turn down the date, suggesting to the film crew that ABC kick Blake off the show for being such a lying jerk. Lord. It’s all completely batshit, because she acts like Holly is going out with her boyfriend. Did he play her? Yeah. Are they actually dating? No. Michael is clearly hurt, but handles it like a champ and he and Holly were engaged and he still loves her. I mean. Ya know? “Would you flirt with Kasey in front of Vienna?” Melissa hollers at Holly, who delicately responds that Vienna and Kasey are in a serious relationship, unlike Melissa and Blake. Melissa, see, is just seriously delusional.

Blake and Holly’s date is pretty standard, as the Bachelor franchise goes. There’s skiing and giggling and kissing and fireplaces and blah, blah, they like each other. It’s pretty boring, but kind of  painful when you think about Michael at home last night, hearing Holly say how into Blake she is, how she’s never been on a date this amazing, how she hasn’t thought about Michael once all day. Ouch.  Eventually, she and Blake have a heart to heart, where Holly seems to be very confused. She says “things have changed” with Michael, meaning there might still be something there, but then she stays overnight with Blake and it’s pretty damn romantic. Poor Michael is at home, staring blankly into the fireplace in shirtless despair while Holly gets the rose.

Holly and Blake do their walk of shame home, and Michael is flipping out. It doesn’t help that Crazy Melissa is in his ear, literally implying that Blake probably got Holly drunk and date raped her. Cute. This Michael being sad thing goes on forever. He loves her. He wants her back. She totes hooked up with Blake last night. It’s all awkward! And painful. He pours his heart out and she admits, “we kissed,” and he looks completely devastated. Like, completely and utterly devastated, and they can’t possibly expect us to believe Holly and Blake only kissed that night. But regardless, Michael wants her back and Holly is confused and she took his poor little heart and tore it out and stomped on it with this overnight date. It’s a very messy situation when two people clearly still have genuine feelings for each other, but are afraid to try again. It’s hard in real life. But Michael and Holly are tying to work it all out on a reality game show. So…yeah.

On the night of voting, Godfather Kasey is back. It seems fairly unanimous that people want Kasey and Vienna out. But then Kasey flutters around like a creepy, slow-talking hummingbird, chirping at everyone about how he needs their vote, he’s with them, his dying grandmother needs the money, which is a new fucking low, even for Kasey. This guy, man. What a fucking creep.  Vienna truly has the most repulsive taste in men.

It looks bad for Melissa, obviously, due to how she is completely mentally unstable. If it’s not Kasey it looks like William will go home. Why? Well, have I mentioned one thing at all about William? At all? No, no I haven’t. He’s irrelevant. Crazy Melissa scares the crap out of everyone, begging for votes, and everyone lies through their teeth that their vote went to Erica. It’s really sad.  Like, she’s crazy and all, but man. Man. She’s like, hyperventilating and crying and she knows she is royally fucked.  Which of course she is. Melissa and William are out.  William is bummed and Melissa actually leaves with decorum, waiting until she’s in the limo to sob. I guess she’d worn herself out with the previous 48 straight hours of tantrums.  After this episode, I’m pretty worn out myself.