This week’s Bachelor Pad begins right where we left off last week, with Chris Harrison saying Kasey’s name. Aaaaaaand the game is over for Jake Pavelka, who feels the need to give a nice pep talk to the remaining contestants. I will say, even though Jake is a huge tool bag (Really? He tells Kasey it was “amazing” to meet him?) he has some good advice – take out the power couples. Anyone who watched last season will know, the only way to stay in the game successfully is to pair up, and the tightest couple in the house is clearly Kasey and Vienna. So…you might be a total ass wad, Mr. Pavelka, but you have a point.
Kasey, however, is elated. He is so glad to be able to show “who the bigger man is” and that “the devil is gone.” It’s “freaking awesome” and he has “a euphoric sensation all over his body,” which…TMI, dude. So he has a huge boner about the whole thing and so does Vienna, but there are a few people who aren’t quite so excited. Princess Erica is super pissed and Ella is tired of Kasey and Vienna’s smug attitude.
Also, randomly, Kasey keeps saying he is the strongest “strategist” but he pronounces it “stra-tee-gist” instead of “strah-te-gist,” and it just keeps making me think of Will Ferrell’s impression of George W. Bush. He has excellent strategery, people.
Anyways! Vienna knows how close the vote was between Kasey and Jake, and she probably also knows that if Kasey leaves, she has no prayer of winning a dime. She says their plan is to keep an alliance with Michael, Holly, Graham, Michelle, Kirk and Ella – the rest are “expendable.” Then Chris Harrison comes in and announces that it’s time for the “second annual Bachelor Pad kissing competition,” like we’ve been on the edge of our seats waiting for them all to get cold sores. Yay! Half of the competitors immediately say they aren’t doing it because they’re in relationships, they have kids at home, or they simply value not having mouth herpes. But then everyone does it anyway, save Michelle Money who really does seem to have some sort of respect for her daughter. Sort of. Except she’s on this show. And last week she made out with Graham. And there was that whole season where she went at Brad Womack like a cat in heat. So, whatever. Morals!
One of the most chaste parts of the competition was when Holly got kissed by the men, because they all have respect for Michael. Except Blake, who effing goes for it. Ballsy! No one wants to kiss Vienna out of the same “respect” for Kasey, but probably because she’s super fugly. Princess Erica reminds us again how great her lips are because of her collagen injections, but the men don’t seem to agree. Neither does Chris Harrison, if you check out that picture above. And then there’s Kasey…oh, Kasey. Maybe he was too busy guarding and protecting Vienna’s heart to pop a Tic Tac, because all the women complain about his bad breath. Gross. Vienna can barely watch, likely out of embarrassment. Ella and Blake each win by a landslide, which I suppose is a good thing? For them? Being a good kisser is nice, I suppose. It’s hard to consider achievements on this show as tokens of pride.
This week, it’s “romantic one-on-one dates” rather than groups, and there is an immunity rose up for grabs at each. Ella chooses to go on a date with Kirk and there’s a fancy red sports car and it’s all good until Ella tells the horrible story again about how she and her sister watched her step-father murder their mother, which I just. God. She wants to use the money to open domestic violence shelter for women, so both Kirk and Shelly are now officially Team Ella, FYI. Kirk wants to support her and then there’s a hot air balloon and kissing and duh, he gets the rose.
Crazy Melissa is immediately on top of Blake all, “Take me! Take me! Take me on the date I love you let’s make crazy-eyed babies while my uterus still works!” and shit, but he obviously wants to take Holly. Don’t hate the player, hate the game, guys. Blake tries to feel out the situation and Crazy Melissa’s eyes start to turn red and her head spins and Blake realizes he’s totally screwed. It takes maybe five more minutes for Princess Erica to slut herself all over Blake in attempt for a new alliance. She brings up some valid points, like how completely unstable Melissa is and how if he takes Holly, he will make a lot of enemies and potentially go home, but there’s all this massaging and rubbing and she tells him she’ll do “anything he wants.” It’s really creepy to watch.
But despite all the warning signs, Blake chooses Holly. Blake = still ballsy! Crazy Melissa immediately starts in on him and demands an explanation. His response is, I quote: “I…um. Um.” Ballsy, but perhaps not eloquent. Crazy Melissa is much better with her words in a hysterical fit, calling Holly a “slutty ass bitch,” and Blake a “sociopath.” While I was watching this, I had a feeling she’d go home, but I really would’ve liked her to stick around. Crazy Melissa is fun! Naturally, she runs around shit-talking her little heart out, cruelly telling Michael that Holly doesn’t give a damn about him, demanding that Holly turn down the date, suggesting to the film crew that ABC kick Blake off the show for being such a lying jerk. Lord. It’s all completely batshit, because she acts like Holly is going out with her boyfriend. Did he play her? Yeah. Are they actually dating? No. Michael is clearly hurt, but handles it like a champ and he and Holly were engaged and he still loves her. I mean. Ya know? “Would you flirt with Kasey in front of Vienna?” Melissa hollers at Holly, who delicately responds that Vienna and Kasey are in a serious relationship, unlike Melissa and Blake. Melissa, see, is just seriously delusional.
But despite all the warning signs, Blake chooses Holly. Blake = still ballsy! Crazy Melissa immediately starts in on him and demands an explanation. His response is, I quote: “I…um. Um.” Ballsy, but perhaps not eloquent. Crazy Melissa is much better with her words in a hysterical fit, calling Holly a “slutty ass bitch,” and Blake a “sociopath.” While I was watching this, I had a feeling she’d go home, but I really would’ve liked her to stick around. Crazy Melissa is fun! Naturally, she runs around shit-talking her little heart out, cruelly telling Michael that Holly doesn’t give a damn about him, demanding that Holly turn down the date, suggesting to the film crew that ABC kick Blake off the show for being such a lying jerk. Lord. It’s all completely batshit, because she acts like Holly is going out with her boyfriend. Did he play her? Yeah. Are they actually dating? No. Michael is clearly hurt, but handles it like a champ and he and Holly were engaged and he still loves her. I mean. Ya know? “Would you flirt with Kasey in front of Vienna?” Melissa hollers at Holly, who delicately responds that Vienna and Kasey are in a serious relationship, unlike Melissa and Blake. Melissa, see, is just seriously delusional.
Blake and Holly’s date is pretty standard, as the Bachelor franchise goes. There’s skiing and giggling and kissing and fireplaces and blah, blah, they like each other. It’s pretty boring, but kind of painful when you think about Michael at home last night, hearing Holly say how into Blake she is, how she’s never been on a date this amazing, how she hasn’t thought about Michael once all day. Ouch. Eventually, she and Blake have a heart to heart, where Holly seems to be very confused. She says “things have changed” with Michael, meaning there might still be something there, but then she stays overnight with Blake and it’s pretty damn romantic. Poor Michael is at home, staring blankly into the fireplace in shirtless despair while Holly gets the rose.
Holly and Blake do their walk of shame home, and Michael is flipping out. It doesn’t help that Crazy Melissa is in his ear, literally implying that Blake probably got Holly drunk and date raped her. Cute. This Michael being sad thing goes on forever. He loves her. He wants her back. She totes hooked up with Blake last night. It’s all awkward! And painful. He pours his heart out and she admits, “we kissed,” and he looks completely devastated. Like, completely and utterly devastated, and they can’t possibly expect us to believe Holly and Blake only kissed that night. But regardless, Michael wants her back and Holly is confused and she took his poor little heart and tore it out and stomped on it with this overnight date. It’s a very messy situation when two people clearly still have genuine feelings for each other, but are afraid to try again. It’s hard in real life. But Michael and Holly are tying to work it all out on a reality game show. So…yeah.
