Previously on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: a camel. Oh, and some other stuff happened, namely Kim Richards and her secret boyfriend, who has a name and it's Ken. Wouldn't it be fabulous if it was Lisa's husband Ken? Okay no, adultery is not actually fabulous, but it would have been one hell of a twist. It isn't, though. It's this dude, who is more than a little scary looking. I'm just saying, he's not hot. Kim is one hell of a mess, but she could do better.
Anyway, Dr. Paul Nassif is having what he calls Beauty Night, where all the ladies go to his office so he can use them as guinea pigs and test out his latest cosmetic treatments. Um. Maybe I've been watching a little too much American Horror Story, but I don't think that sounds like a good idea. Most of the gals are getting botox, but Kyle Richards wants to deal with her "love handles," which they zoom in on and I still cannot see. This doesn't stop Paul from calling her his "little muffin top" and then referring to her as a turkey he's going to baste. Aren't plastic surgeons supposed to make you feel better about yourself? Sheesh. Meanwhile, Lisa is stopping by but not getting anything done. Not that she's above it, she just doesn't want it done on national television. Smart lady. Taylor, however, is getting injections in her face so that she looks less anorexic. Lisa suggests she try eating, but Taylor prefers injections to icky food.
In a shocking twist of events, Kim is running late. I know! She was packing, which seems to be her go-to excuse lately. Maybe "packing" is code for "getting a fix" now as well as "putting on my makeup." When she gets there, she tells Paul she wants to try lip injections, although she makes sure to clarify that she doesn't want to end up looking like Taylor 'Ducklips' Armstrong. Camille is skipping the entire night altogether because Kelsey Grammer is the world's hugest asshole and filed for full custody of their kids. If I'm not mistaken, he's dropped that since, no? Regardless, what a total dick. Speaking of failed marriages, the late Russell Armstrong keeps emailing Lisa about his relationship with Taylor. They're happier than ever! His business is booming! They are so in love! He doesn't know why people think otherwise! Well, this is awkward to watch. Lisa doesn't understand why he's telling her all of this, but Kyle knows it's because Russell and Taylor believe Lisa is talking to the press about them. Kyle is smart enough to feign ignorance, though.
Speaking of dead people (was that insensitive?) Kyle is holding a séance. Why? Who knows. People in Beverly Hills are fucked up, for real. I wish I was bored and rich enough to do all the stupid shit they do. But anyway, she's holding this séance and everyone has RSVP'd but Kim. Kim (who is also refusing to tell anyone where she is moving) doesn't want to go. She "feels too many things from above" and is afraid something will "go into" her. That's what she said! Oh! Then she tells Kyle, her sister, that a séance is against her religion. Um. Sure thing, crazyface. For someone who's had a secret relationship for a year, she's not very good at lying. As she consults with Paul before her procedure, she reveals that she's taking Trazadone, Lexipro and Topamax. These all serve to fight depression, anxiety and insomnia. They are also very common for newly sober addicts and people with personality disorders, because they act as mood stabilizers and prevent convulsions. Uhhhh. Why the fuck would she admit to this on TV? I mean, why on earth?
Paul thinks this all makes total sense. People on a cocktail like that commonly appear drunk, loopy, out of it - basically, like Kim. He wants to make sure she's not mixing these with alcohol, because that would be highly dangerous. He also recommends seeing a psychiatrist to discuss everything she's taking and advises her against driving. Sound advice. Then again, if she's on mood stabilizers like that, wouldn't she already be seeing a psychiatrist? Uh huh. Kim wants everyone to know she's not drinking. She says this as she literally sways back and forth. But she's not drinking, okay? For a minute, it really seems like Paul is a good doctor, but he's still going to do a bunch of procedures on her. That...doesn't seem like a good idea? I mean, with the chemical injections and the numbing and all? Yuck. The lip injections seem to be really painful and Kim doesn't handle it very well. It's pretty icky to watch, to be honest, and not just because of all the needles. It's just all pretty fucked up.
You know what else is fucked up? This whole Taylor vs Lisa thing. Taylor seems to be so scared and intimidated by Lisa, it's actually sad. She's very upset because apparently she's heard (via Camille, who I guess hasn't entirely retired her Mean Girl Pants after all) that Lisa is telling everyone in town that Taylor has no friends. I know, it's like I'm recapping seventh grade lunch hour. But who cares, it's séance time! Cue spooky music and light your candles, folks. Rebecca the Psychic is checking the room for magnetic energy as the chef makes the traditional pink frosted cupcakes known throughout the ages to aid in contacting the dead. Camille is a bit nervous about the séance, if only because she doesn't have a good track record with psychics and Real Housewives. Kyle thinks it's going to be fine, though, since her psychic isn't crazy. Hey Kyle, you watch your damn mouth! There will be no ill talk of Allison DuBois! She and her electric cigarette remain in my Housewives Top Moments (just after Kelly Bensimon's jelly bean freakout of RHONY season three, if you're curious). I'm going to put it out there: Kyle's séance is boring. See, channeling the beyond is nothing without DuBois. These ladies can all shut up! I love you, Allison! Let's do lunch!
Kim doesn't end up attending because she's packing. Or is she "packing"? Probably both. Kyle pays her a visit and is surprised to see that Kim's basically ready to move - but she still hasn't said where she's moving to. "What's the big secret?" Kyle asks, and Kim finally drops the bomb: she's seeing someone and moving in with him. Kyle guesses correctly that it's the guy Kim brought "to Paris's premiere," which means Hilton of course. Yes, it's Ken, her busted up looking date to the Paris premiere. Kyle doesn't seem to be thrilled at this development. She starts to cry - she thought Kim was moving closer to her, she doesn't know why she'd keep this a secret from her. She's worried about Kim's decisions. Aren't we all? Kyle recognizes that she mothers Kim too much, but she has trouble backing off because she's concerned. Kim just wants Kyle to be happy for her. I want Kim to seek medical attention, and I don't mean lip injections, but I think that's too much to ask. Anyway, we'll have to wait until next week for the Kyle/Ken meet and greet.
Next week looks like a shit storm, by the way. The episode will reveal Russell's abuse and it looks pretty ugly and upsetting. I wonder how Bravo will handle the editing? More importantly, I wonder how Taylor can conscionably allow this to air for her daughter to someday see?