In light of everything going on around the country with Occupy Wall Street, there's really a seedy feeling about watching The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills lately. I kind of want an episode where a huge gang of young people in V for Vendetta masks come charging at them whilst burning an effigy of Giggy the Pomeranian. Is that too much to ask? Yes? Oh.
This week was all about the lavish lifestyle of the Beverly Hillboobies. In terms of editing, I'm not sure it's the best time to dedicate an entire episode to how over the top their world can be, but then again I suppose that's half the point of the show. I used to think people watched shows like this to vicariously fantasize about living their lives, but now I think there's an edge of superiority that goes into following the Real Housewives, you know? Like, I may not have that money, that mansion, that car, that full closet of velvet doggie coats, that laser facial machine, that decorative cage full of jungle cats - but at least I have my pride. Or maybe that's just what we tell ourselves. Thinky thoughts! Anyways.
Taylor Armstrong's daughter is turning five, so naturally she needs to plan a massive party for
Meanwhile, Kyle Richards is accompanying her mother-in-law for a face lift. Naturally, Dr. Paul Nassif, aka Mr. Adrienne Maloof is doing the job, because he's the best in town and also he only agreed to be on this stupid show to promote his practice. As they turn a lovely older woman into a post-surgical monstrosity, Paul dicks around with his anesthesiologist, who claims to look just like Mark Wahlberg. Unfortunately, he has a surgical mask on, so we can't tell. But it's enough to make Paul showboat around the operating room, leaving a completely bizarre voicemail on Mark Wahlberg's cell about it. I imagine that this scene only takes place so we know that the Maloof-Nassif clan are down with Marky Mark. Yes, but what about the Funky Bunch? After the surgery, Kyle and Mauricio visit their mom and Kyle freaks out, because mom looks scary. Well, yes. Typically right after someone completely rearranges your face, you don't look so great. It's kind of understandable (she does look scary), but also kind of ridiculous - apparently in Beverly Hills, we get tearful post-cosmetic surgery hospital scenes. It's the rich version of the health care crisis.
Finally, in the biggest display of money wasting, we get the engagement party for Lisa Vanderpump's daughter Pandora and her cutie fiance Jason. In their defense, I will say two things. First, what's the point of being a millionaire if you can't do things like spend a ridiculous amount of money on your children? And second, they don't even actually throw the party. It's their long-haired, creepy ass friend Mohamed, who also happens to be Pandora's godfather. So, there's that. Then again, there's a camel. Lisa and Ken present Pandora with a custom diamond necklace ($68,000) and Jason with a watch ($21,700). Then, it's off to Arabian Nights, complete with belly dancers, weird fake tattoo artists, a tent within a living room (I say "living room," but it's really the size of a football field) and a very, very bizarre mermaid woman who keeps flopping around panting, "I'm splashing! I'm splashing!" and it's REALLY WEIRD. I mean, super weird. I don't understand this party, but whatever. There are all these things going on, like how Kyle decides to demonstrate her agility by joining the weird cirque du soleil-ish dancers to do splits on the table. She also lifts her leg up over her shoulder and shimmies. This is apparently not trashy, although I'd like to see Kyle's reaction if Brandi the Slut Pig acted like that at a party.
However, there is always something ugly beneath the glitter and glitz and this week was no exception. In a scene so uncomfortable it was hard to watch, Kyle and her husband join Taylor and Russell for dinner. Yes, this was the first full Russell moment of the season and it's no less weird than I thought it would be. Just watching him and knowing everything that's to come is strange and sad and upsetting. The strain between Taylor and Russell is palpable, especially alongside Kyle and Mauricio, who are clearly very much in love. Russell and Taylor are upset because an article's just been published about their marital problems and both think Lisa is to blame for leaking the story. Whether that's true or not, I don't know, but it's very awkward nonetheless. Kyle looks like she wants to bolt as the two of them guzzle wine, avoid touching and casually discuss suing a mutual friend. Yikes.
Meanwhile, Kyle's sister and everyone's favorite bathroom meth user Kim has a secret of her own - in the form of a secret boyfriend! Yes, it's true. Kim Richards has in fact been seeing a mystery man for like, a year and somehow managed to keep it from everyone, including Kyle. In a very staged scene, we get a reveal of their relationship and also his terrifying face. For real, the dude is ugly. Not to be mean, but I'm just saying. He looks like Joe Giudice went through a blender. They met while she was getting the mail on her street ("He was just standing there," she says - was he lurking? Creepy!) and hit it off. Because of her family's insistence on looking out for her mental well being, Kim decided to hide him from the world, only now choosing to "come out" as a non-single. Strange. But Kim seems happy enough, despite the fact that she's convinced Kyle will hate him. Yeah, she probably will. She'll probably hate that Kim kept him a secret even more. Unfortunately, we won't find out until next week.
