Good lord. Anyway, after this young woman decimates her career as a stylist, we move on to Jacqueline. She is also pretty terrible at family, although at least she makes a solid (if not misguided) effort. She's still inviting people over to try and talk to Horrible Ashley Holmes, her rotten disgrace of a daughter. Oh, excuse me. Ashlee Holmes. Jac, no matter how many people talk to her? She will still suck. Just kick her out and let her grow up. This time it's one of Chris's brothers, who is definitely not going to accomplish anything. Ashley/e feels a kinship with her Uncle Jaime (which is pronounced like Jamie, whatever Jersey) because he is also a "black sheep," but I don't think you can really be a black sheep if you are like, an only child. Which she was for most of her life. Her uncle is one of 11 siblings. He's allowed to be a black sheep since there is an actual flock, ya know?
Uncle Jaime wants to get to the talking, but first he has to see Ashley/e's tattoos. She has a swallow on her wrist, which is about "new beginnings," and Uncle Jaime gives her the wise advice to say it's a sparrow when she tells men, because it's like offering a blow job or something. She also has this feather thing on her foot, which she got while her folks were in Punta Cana. I would say something about how she is a brat and irresponsible and stuff, but to be really honest I got three tattoos between ages 18-23 and didn't tell my parents, either. So, let's just avoid that road of hypocrisy, shall we? Moving on! Ashley/e cries about how hard her life is and shit and it's the same scene we've had all season. Of course, Chris says Ashley/e doesn't have to move out. Of course, Ashley/e gets her way. Gross. Caroline points out that Ashley/e is a pro at manipulation but eventually it will catch up with her. Thank you, Caroline, for being the only one with eyes.
At casa de Rich and Kathy, their wittle baby Victoria is all grown up and going to a school dance. With a boy. And his name is Paulie, which I love. Rich and his stupid face "intimidate" poor Paulie for a while, but Paulie mostly looks bored and uncomfortable to be on television. He seems a lot more interested when Victoria's boobs come downstairs, even though they're going "as friends." Kathy cries a lot. It's kind of sweet, if not completely fucking boring.
Back to the shit we care about, it's photo shoot time with the Giudice/Gorga clans. They're apparently doing this at night. Why would you do this at night with all those young kids? This family makes no sense to me. Gia is wearing like, a pink sequin cocktail dress. I know it's not her fault, because I probably would have loved to dress up in a pink sparkly dress at her age, but God. Teresa. No dresses like that for the daughters until they grow breasts! What is wrong with her? Does Gia have the same stylist as mom and Melissa? Burning questions!
Maybe Teresa gets her style instincts from her father, who is rocking one serious comb over. Joe Gorga talks with him for a moment and, if you recall, their relationship is tumultuous at best. Remember, with the "You're my father! You're my fucking father!" and the crying and the screaming? Right. Meanwhile, Teresa puts her youngest (Parmigiana?) in a feathered ball gown. No, I'm not kidding. It's an atrocity. Melissa's kids, by the way, are dressed like kids. It's still tacky, but it's not like Liza-Minnelli-as-a-stripper tacky. The photo shoot goes on like, forever. This is the finale, Bravo! We're like 30 minutes in. Step it up! I want some hair pulling or a table thrown or something.
And then finally, we get some drama. It's breakfast with the Manzo clan (plus Greg!) and Lauren has her copy of Teresa's cook book Fabulicious, hot off the presses. The news? Teresa is talking smack about Caroline. About Caroline. In her book! First, she makes fun of Caroline's deep fried meatballs. That's just fucked up. Greg: "What's your beef, Teresa?" This is why he needs his own show. Kathy and Rich aren't too thrilled with the book either, since Teresa mentions that "her cousin" always makes lame jokes about her. Kathy points out that if there was any strength behind the actual recipe collection, she wouldn't have to treat the book like a gossip column. Word, Kathy. Word.
And of course, this is only the beginning. On her baby sister-in-law: "She copies everything I do, from the shoes on my feet to the chairs on my front porch." Melissa's pretty sure that's about her. Ya think? She's like, I'm not telling Joe, as if he is suddenly moving to Antarctica and won't know any of this. Then, we find out that Teresa has committed the sin of all sins - she's compared an Italian to The Olive Garden. And not just any Italian: Caroline Manzo. I KNOW. Is she fucking serious? The exact quote, "Caroline Manzo is as Italian as The Olive Garden," is probably enough to get at least five hits on her head, but Teresa? She has to go on, saying that Caroline is only "one-sixteenth" Italian or something. This is all in the effing introduction to the book. Chris, Albie and Greg are like, "Oh heeellz naw!" and Caroline is gritting her teeth. There's even a dig about Chris in there like, this is a book for good girls and not car wash strippers or some shit. You guys, Teresa is an effing bitch. I hope someone knocks her upside her head, for fucking serious. What a pathetic attempt to sell books. Then Greg gets in the best line of the season:
Albie: I don't know who's doing her math...
Greg: Maybe her accountant?
Bam! Amazing. Naturally, all the Manzo kids are pretty pissed, but Caroline is mostly angry about the totally unnecessary shot at her son. Um, yeah. No kidding. Jacqueline visits Teresa and asks her in that gentle Jacqueline way why she said all those things. Teresa's immediately on the defensive, saying that they are too sensitive and should stop nitpicking. Jac points out that it's indirectly bashing her own husband's heritage as well and Teresa is all, "I'm starting to get mad" and "It's amazing that people don't have sense of humors" anymore. Um. I must have misplaced all my humors. She's truly baffled, you see, because everyone thinks she's so funny (who? who is everyone?) and compares her to Lucille Ball (what? are you kidding me with this?!) and she really thought that this humor came through in Fabulicious. Yeah, it really seems like it. That was just like I Love Lucy. Totally. Personally I cannot wait until the reunion. I'm gearing up for one hell of a confrontation, especially since everyone seems to be against Teresa at this point. Based on Teresa's asinine blog post, they are still fighting, or just not friends anymore. The irony here, of course, is that Teresa stayed with this show and produced this book in an obvious effort to get her family back on their feet. But her own shitty behavior bit her in the ass, turning not just her friends but most of the viewers against her. Well done, Teresa. You really are officially the worst. But Albie Manzo? He's still the best.
