It's Zoe time again and this week it's Oscar season, Fashion Week
and Rodger and Rachel's wedding anniversary. Rodger takes a white mug out of his white cabinet in the white kitchen of his white house and I just hope they have a good staff because I don't know how anyone could have a baby in that much white without disaster. He's mad because Rachel has booked a job during their anniversary - on the one and only year she isn't busy at Fashion Week. He angrily drinks his coffee, his peace sign necklace shining in bright contrast to his swirl of emotions. Oh, the unbearable drama! Rachel, meanwhile, thinks her clothes are "eating her" and puts on a dumb knit hat to offset her horrifyingly embarrassing pregnant belly. She's annoyed because Brad The Treacherous Traitor Of Traitorville is styling one of her clients for the Oscars. Bad Brad! How could someone who wears such charming bowties be so diabolical?
Meanwhile, Jeremiah and Joey are dishing about the same drama like old girlfriends, so I guess they aren't rivals anymore? Whatever, it's cute. They read Page Six, giving us the scoop that it's Demi Moore who has chosen to let Brad style her instead of The Zoe, because I guess
immature betrayal is just running rampant in the Kutcher-Moore household. Joey is really upset because this whole Brad thing is like, upsetting. It's like, really hard and like, makes him upset. You know? Jeremiah totally knows. And for Rachel to have to deal with this in those six inch heels she wears? While pregnant? It's tragic. They share serious looks and then spend the next ten minutes imitating Rachel giving birth while wearing stilettos. Um, can we have Jeremiah and Joey become besties? Please?
Hey, remember when Anne Hathaway hosted the Oscars? Man, was
that a disaster. With James Franco being high and the unfunny jokes and how Anne kept talking too loudly into the microphone because she knew they were tanking and it was sad and kind of uncomfortable like when your aunt gets too drunk at the Christmas party? Yeeeeah. Well, do you remember at least that she looked nice? That was all Rachel Zoe. Rachel's busy as hell, planning all the looks that Anne will wear as she ruins her public image at the biggest event in Hollywood. Fun! Joey checks out the gowns for the first time and as per usual Joey behavior, he is wetting himself over all the sparkles. To be fair, I do recall that Anne looked stunning in almost everything she wore, so kudos to Zoe. They pull a silver fringe number off the rack and Joey
freaks out. He excitedly tells Rachel that it's her favorite color, "gilver" and that Anne is going to look "maj" in it. Gilver is a great word, by the way. I think I have gilver nail polish.
This gilver spectacular is the last smile we see for a while, though. Rachel has reached that stage of pregnancy where
everything is a huge pile of suck always all the time. This, right here? This is why I've decided to be barren, FYI. She's cranky and sad and miserable and even though it's her wedding anniversary, she wants to crawl into bed and cry. The Brad/Demi thing really upset her. Sad piano music whimpers as we're shown shots of rainy streets and setting suns, because now the
Rachel Zoe Project wants to be artsy. She's sad, see? It's all too much. Rodger lets her nap (in full knit cap and large coat, naturally) and then brings her sparkling water in a wine glass like a good husband. They seriously discuss serious things seriously, but honestly almost none of it makes sense. I could tell it was important, though, because of the piano.
The following day, Rodger video chats with Rachel's sister Pamela, showing off the show's marketing agreement with Apple (RIP, Steve) and also totally overreacting about Rachel's behavior. He tells Pamela, "She just came home and
literally had a meltdown. She came home, slammed the door, went upstairs, closed the door." Well God, with all that door shutting, I'm surprised he didn't Baker Act her. What an emotional display! Closed doors! What's next, Rachel? Pulled blinds?! W
hen will this suffering end?! Has Rodger honestly never known a pregnant woman before? She's 34 weeks in, dude. If she's tired and emotional it's because she's about to pop out a person. Idiot. He wants Pamela to come to them and try and help Rachel slow down.
But The Zoe, she never slows down! I really do see the concern, but I also have to admit that I understand Rachel's perspective: a client she's worked with for years is now hosting the Academy Awards. It's, you know, pretty maj. Then again, Rachel's run herself ragged and now she's hacking, coughing, sniffling sick. Oops. No joke, she looks like hell. She and Pamela have a sit-down and sis is all, "Remember, you and the baby are the most important thing," and Rachel is like, "Yep, after this weekend." Oh, Zoe. See, there's a Tom Ford store opening, and that's much more important than the well being of her fetus. Obviously. So, Joey gets her all dolled up and I have to say, that bitch is good at his job because she actually looks pretty when he's done. Rodger melts and Rachel checks her phone as he says sweet, caring things to her. How romantic.
And then it's the Oscars! Where is Jeremiah? I think it's really lame that there is so little Jeremiah on this show. It was like a tease. We were offered the adorable Jeremiah and instead we got Joey. Nice, but kind of annoying. And not nearly as cute. So this day is bananas and Rachel is off like "a hooker in Chanel" to go do ten million things. Then we get this scene where Rodger sits around and tries to lounge by the pool, but he keeps getting disrupted by the phone ringing. His nine months pregnant wife is out running the world's longest list of errands on the biggest day of her career in a pair of six-inch booties and he's sitting on his ass, whining. This guy who has been, I dunno, worrying nonstop about how hard his wife is working? Why isn't he
helping her?! Rodger, you suck. Then he's bitching about how all these people are at their house - on Oscar night, really? He's such a child. Shut up, Rodger with your stupid peace sign necklace.
The good news is, Rachel doesn't die or go into labor and Anne Hathaway looks gorgeous. And Jeremiah is there! They...send him to pick up dinner. Oh, Jeremiah. Poor dear. He knows his place and hilariously comments, "At least I'm not picking up dog shit...because they don't have a dog. Yet." So he's out getting pizza while they totally don't wait for him to watch Anne on the red carpet. Asshats. But hey, they have a baby coming and vintage Valentino, so it's all good, right? Until next week anyway, when they decide Jeremiah's fate. Dun dun dunnn.
