In their weirdest segue ever, we jump right back into the Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion to Caroline Manzo saying she wants to get Teresa Giudice out of her life. Then Andy Cohen is like, "Melissa, your husband Joe Gorga is super horny all the time!" It's...really bizarre? Andy is all, lets lighten it up and whatever and then there's this kind of gross moment where he asks Teresa if she has more sex than her brother. For once, Teresa is on the sanity train and tells Andy she'd rather not think about that. Yeah seriously, Cohen, you're being a creeper. This leads into a moronic montage of "doing it in New Jersey" clips and we have to listen to Joey Gorga talk about the "poison" in him. Again. Sigh.
And then some dumb viewer questions, including more sex questions. Then Caroline says she does not financially support her sons, she only helps them with "stupid stuff" like groceries. Hey, groceries are expensive, yo. I can imagine that between Albie and Chris, that's a hefty bill. Then we get a montage of Caroline being Caroline and "tellin' it like it is!" and shit. Hey, did you know that Caroline Manzo speaks her mind? She does, people. She really does. But hey, at least we got to see footage of Kim G. getting kicked out of Melissa's house again. Always funny. Teresa tries to pull some bizarre "Caroline is evil for not liking Kim G." thing because Chris and Kim's son are besties, even though Teresa has consistently loathed Kim G. for three years. Caroline is basically like, "Are you fucking serious right now?" and Teresa realizes she doesn't have a leg to stand on.
Hey, Andy Cohen digging up the dirt! Apparently, Albie Sr. was fired as a commissioner by the Governor because they had some secret apartment above The Brownstone or something. Scandal! Caroline says some nonsense about not getting a permit, but dude, sketchy. All their husbands are so sketchy with their "real estate" and "construction" businesses. I'm not making any accusations, I'm just saying! (I'm saying they're in the mob) Blah blah blah, Caroline has a big mouth. This conversation is still happening. Caroline does not think her advice is unsolicited. Um, I'm pretty sure it is sometimes. Then Andy asks Teresa if she got unsolicited advice from Caroline and the dumbfounded look on Giudice's face makes it pretty clear she has no idea what that word means.
Then in clearly orchestrated move, Andy asks a "viewer question" of Caroline: how can she be so judgemental of Teresa and Melissa when there are all these rumors about her and Dina? Dun dun dunnnn. Smooth move there, Cohen. Naturally, Caroline hedges dramatically about the falling out with Dina, and we never really get the whole story, but it seems like Caroline believes that Teresa poisoned Dina against her. True or not? Who knows. But it gets pretty ugly between Teresa and Caroline and both of them end up pretty disgusted with each other. Based on Dina's blog (titled "The Truth," in case we didn't get it) it looks like she's definitely on the outs with Caroline and Jacqueline, although I have to be honest. I did not read that entire blog post because that shit is long. Good lord, woman, talk much? This is all pretty interesting, though and it's kind of a bummer because then we go into a discussion of Jacqueline, which...she's not there? Dumb. Even dumber is the following Kathy segment. Andy honestly, no one cares about Kathy.
I think he knows this, because he turns it back on Teresa as soon as he can. "Do you think you sweat the small stuff?" he asks her pointedly, and she obviously says no, and he obviously is like, "Oh hell yes you do." Andy's on the attack! He basically calls her petty and shallow. It's pretty funny. Maybe Andy should permanently replace Jacqueline. Especially if he keeps correcting the way Teresa speaks - she keeps saying she "distant" herself from people, and Andy goes, "Dis-tanced," like she's a four year old. Which she kind of is. Incidentally, on Watch What Happens Live, Andy said he'd received tons of messages about how hard he was on Teresa and the poll of the night asked whether or not he was too hard. The audience said no, but it definitely seems like he's working overtime to get her riled up. Not that I care. I'm a straight up Teresa hater.
You know, this show wouldn't need to be so effing long if they didn't show ten minutes of flashback clips. Hey, remember when Kathy was a bad cousin because she pointed out how Teresa abandoned her baby daughter to participate in a traditional Italian Christening brawl? Good times. Teresa still hates Kathy, FYI. Don't worry, it seems to be mutual. Oh hey, she still hates Melissa, too. Melissa is total crap because she didn't stay at the Giudice's house long enough on Christmas Eve, despite the fact that Joe Giudice was clearly shit talking Melissa like, right in front of her. Oh, he wasn't calling Melissa a "raccoon face," he was saying it about Kathy! Ohhhhh, well that's alright then. Caroline is losing her fucking mind about this, by the way. Simmer down, Manzo, this is why people call you a buttinsky.
Andy is curious, what does Melissa think of all the times Teresa blamed Melissa for her failed relationship with her brother. HmmmTeresa. The only one who's perpetuated it is Teresa. She put it in a cookbook, for fuck's sake. We get it. You're threatened by your sister-in-law.
But is there anything Teresa regrets saying about Melissa, the horrible sprinkle cookie giver and brother stealing copycat? Teresa regrets a lot of things Melissa said. Unfortunately, that was not the question. It's like she's baiting Andy to snap at this point. So, does Teresa regret anything? Teresa is like, "Ummm...uh...uh...why don't you say some stuff and I'll tell you if I regret it?" Seriously. Melissa thinks she should regret saying that she is a gold digger who married Joey for money, but Teresa doesn't seem to regret that one. But have no fear - Melissa has a list! She rattles off a ton of shitty stuff and Teresa seems to pick one at random that she supposedly regrets. It seems about as genuine as her boobs. In turn, does Melissa regret anything? The thing that upset most people was her comment that she and Joey pay their bills and, looking back, that's the worst thing she said. She does not actually say she regrets it, though.
Sixty years of clips, this time centering on Joe vs. Joe. Andy takes issue with the fact that Joe repeatedly uses the word "faggot" and he hammers Teresa pretty hard about it and okay, here's the thing. She says that Joe Gorga and Richard Walkie both use the word as well, which Kathy and Melissa deny. I come from a big ass Italian family and officially call bullshit on that. Unfortunately, with a lot of men there's a disconnect between the word and the meaning of the word, which is of course ignorance and not something to condone. Everyone agrees it's not used with malice against the gay community, but Andy says that he's on a very highly watched television show and they have four young kids - maybe make an effort to tone down the hate speech? Especially in light of all the school bullying and suicides that are taking place. Teresa said she tries. I believe that. I don't think you could get a guy like Juicy Joe to do anything, to be quite honest. Anyway, I think the issue here is that they've made television stars of ignorant, trashy, uneducated people. They either hired them because of this or they made a mistake, but the Giudices will never be enlightened people. Andy, you're the one putting them, ahem, on display for the world to see. Juicy Joe only has an outlet because you gave him one.
But hey, Joe is Joe is Joe. He's a prick and Teresa's okay with that! So there! She's also okay with her daughter Gia's musical debut, which was probably one of the most hilarious, sad and embarrassing moments of the Real Housewives franchise. There ain't no problem with that song! It was beautiful! Caroline comments that it was tragic, a disgrace, and Kathy mentions that perhaps Teresa could have proofread it to prevent that from happening on TV. Nope! Okay then! I think we should watch it again to be sure.
Then everyone talks about family a lot and Caroline recites something she memorized before taping about being there for people and Andy pretends to be sad about their failed friendships. It's all very touching, except not at all. Guess we'll have to wait until season four for anymore NJ dramz. Hopefully, someone gets arrested (fingers crossed for Ashley/ee!) and they all have at least two Twitter/blog meltdowns per week. But until then, here's Kelly Ripa and Mark Consueslos doing some "Dirty Soap" reenactments of the Housewives. Marks's a face made me laugh till I cried a little, just saying.