It's All Chocolate Sculpting & Smack Talking On Top Chef Just Desserts

Hey guys, remember last week when Ad-Rock from the Beastie Boys was on Top Chef Just Desserts and the chefs made all kinds of gross stuff? Well, this week isn't as cool as that, but at least there's no falafel panna cotta. I guess the cool-to-barf ratio needs to stay in balance. Gail Simmons opens up this week with a total of five puns, but they are actually all references to Beastie Boys songs, so I guess I'll let it slide? Maybe. No, it still pisses me off. Now that Rebecca is gone, Katzie is a little freaked out because officially only one person left likes her. That would be Megan, if you're curious. Sally has "aligned herself with the boys" because "she thinks she's better than the girls," Katzie tells us, which I think is a fairly ignorant thing to say as a female chef. It's just because Sally can't stand you, honey. But you know who likes each other? Chris and Matthew. I think they might be special friends. I hate the word "bromance," okay? Let's just say it like it is.

Gail and doughnut guru Mark Isreal welcome the cheftestants to the Quickfire Challenge, which is obviously to make a doughnut. They can do anything with fried dough they want (think about the possibilities of that for a minute) and they have to serve it with a cup of coffee.  Oh, and the winner gets $10,000. Wow. But of course there's twist. Not only is immunity off the table, but my future husband Johnny Iuzzini comes in looking all badass with a big smirk on his face. All the chefs pee their pants. Why? Johnny tells them that the person who makes the suckiest doughnut will go home immediately. Damn. Obviously, this is a big moment because they could either get a huge chunk of money, or be sent packing. Carlos tells us that he grew up in a poor, gang-ridden neighborhood where he lost two close friends and struggled to make it. I know you will be shocked to hear that Carlos wins the Quickfire. Surprising, right? It's not like these reality shows make it obvious or anything. He will put the money toward his 16-year-old daughter's first car. Awww.

In the bottom are Orlando, Megan and Matthew. Matthew didn't have time to actually fill his doughnut with the cream, making it dry and bland. Megan over-glazed her doughnut and then added more sugar, which made it actually stick to the plate. Johnny does this whole "I am lifting this plate up by holding the doughnut" thing and gives her an "are you fucking kidding me?" face. Oh, future husband of mine. But the real fun is between Johnny and Orlando, who served up a cardamom doughnut with no discernible cardamom flavor. Orlando is all, "I never said it was a cardamom doughnut!" and my future husband is like, "It was the first flavor you named. 'Doughnut' is not a flavor." Burn! In the end, though, it's Megan's that doesn't measure up. I'm surprised Gail didn't say, "We just dough-nut like it."

But we cannot mourn Megan, mostly because she was completely forgettable and it would be a waste of our time. Plus, we're ready for the Elimination Challenge! This week's theme? Chocolate. Um. Wow, don't stretch your creative limbs too far, guys. You might hurt yourself. They are divided into two teams of three and assigned to make one chocolate dessert each, plus one group showpiece. The groups are: Orlando, Sally, Carlos and Chris, Matthew and Katzie. They're making these desserts for...each other! Oh no, it's the "make them critique each other" portion of the competition. If you've been paying attention, Katzie's friend count is now zero. Chris is a bit apprehensive about her being a "weak link," even though if I recall correctly, she's won more challenges than him. Whatever, dude. I get that she's annoying, but they all need to lay off the haterade.

They start to plan and Katzie tries, but her voice will not be heard. Special friends Chris and Matthew are basically like uh huh, shut up, your ideas stink, just go make your stupid dessert. She wants to help with the showpiece. Chris: "No." Awesome. So Katzie goes off to cry into her chocolate as Orlando jumps up and down with glee. He's very excited to go head to head in a showpiece competition with Chris and he reminds us again of their pre-show rivalry. It's a Chris/Orlando death match, people! Chris is bending chocolate for a "modern" design, while Orlando is "telling the story of chocolate," or something. He says he likes his desserts like he likes his men: tall. And my mind? Is blown. My gaydar is usually pretty on point, but I just had no idea he was gay. Am I the only one? Watching Orlando for about two more minutes and I think yeah, I probably am. Oops. Way to be attentive, Shelly. You live in Miami, for God's sake. Fail.

 

Because Orlando wants to concentrate on his big, tall, sexy showpiece, he is going to let Sally and Carlos make his dessert for him using his recipe. Is that even allowed? Unfair. Chris will make his own, plus do the showpiece entirely on his own. This might end up being a mistake, but I think that's more ethical, ya know?  The groups are divided, so they cannot see the showpieces in progress. Katzie is all alone, working on her "boca negra," which is a chocolate dish that turns your mouth black, hence the name. That doesn't sound very appealing? Maybe it's just me. Matthew is making a chocolate tart with chiboust, caramel and compressed cherries and a chocolate sorbet. Dang. I don't even know what that means. But Matthew is confident. Also confident are Carlos and Sally, who each have 14 components in their dishes, while Chris is proud of the simplicity in his. He says something snobby about how it's about quality and not quantity and blah blah blah, but I think Orlando and his tall slice of chocolate love will disagree. He interviews, "Am I confident? Yes. Am I nervous? Yes." Ugh. My former roommate (shout out!) hates that whole "Am I asking obvious questions and answering them myself? Yes," way of explaining things and thanks to her, so do I.

Toward the end of the day, Matthew spills some soft chocolate and tells everyone to,"watch the turd on the floor," which makes three weeks now we have referenced poo on a cooking show. Gross. Regardless of the choco-poo obstacle, they all complete their dishes and the showpieces look pretty amazing. At first glance, I'd say Chris's is prettier and Orlando's is more detailed. It's time to sit and talk smack about each other! Gail, that useless other female judge who doesn't matter, my future husband Johnny Iuzzini and Wylie Dufresne arrive. I love Wylie Dufresne!  Orlando and Chris each explain their showpieces and the judges are duly impressed.  Gail comments that they are very tall and Orlando's like, awwww yeah.

First to sit down with the judges are Sally, Carlos and Orlando. Both Sally and Carlos are professional in their critiques of the other team. Orlando is out of control. He's all "the showpiece is very dark and there's nothing to carry the darkness into the light," and  "the dessert actually imploded when I cut into it" and wow, shut up. He will not stop. Gail and Wylie exchange looks. Johnny chugs his red wine. Sally is close to kicking him under the table. It's pretty awful. I mean, I knew he'd be a big jerk about it, but come on, man. Give it a rest. The judges are like wow, tell us how you really feel. All in all, Chris's chocolate brioche is lackluster, Matthew's tart receives mixed opinions and Katzie's boca negra is interesting, but amateurish and waaaay too big.  It's seriously like a fucking two-ton brick of chocolate.  They're like, no really, it's so fucking big. Katzie's excuse is that she only had that one mold to use, but...honestly? It's large. Really, unappeallingly large.

When it's time for Katzie, Matthew and Chris to sit with the judges, Chris is not much better than Orlando. He hates everything, just in case you're wondering. Katzie is aghast and compliments the hell out of everyone and um, while you don't have to be a dick like Chris, she should probably remember that she's competing with these people. Matthew is wisely keeping his trap shut at the advice of his wife, which is sound advice from any woman to a man. Other than from Chris, there is only light critique of anyone's dessert and clearly, they are the winning team.  Duh. Orlando, Sally and Carlos celebrate while Chris looks like a kicked puppy. I'm no Orlando fan, but I have to go with the judges on this one. His showpiece was more impressive and all three desserts were far less sloppy. Chris is slammed for oversimplifying his dessert. Ha! Matthew's tart was too sweet. But it's Katzie, of course, who gets sent home for her gargantuan cube of chocolate and utter lack of friends. Bye, Katzie!