Another week, another episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. This week on Rich People Are Stupid, it's all about Adrienne Maloof and her silly, lavish, ridiculous life. For some totally unknown reason, Lisa Vanderpump has arrived at Casa Maloof to teach Adrienne how to cook a chicken. Why? I don't know. Perhaps to give Bernie the Angry Chef some more air time. Remember if you will that he hates Lisa because she said something one time and he wants to be on television? Right. So he's lurking outside the kitchen like an axe murderer while Adrienne wanders helplessly around her kitchen. You can tell she literally never uses it. She's repulsed by the chicken and then cleans it with dish soap, because she's Rich and Not In Touch With Reality. Do we get it? Yes, we do. Great.
Meanwhile, Taylor, Kyle and Dana are having a play date with their children, by which I mean they are all gossiping with their backs to the kids as Taylor's maid babysits. Dana's son must be terribly bored finger painting with two non-Thai speaking idiot girls who don't even understand nuclear fission. Taylor tells the girls about her lunch with Brandi Glanville, aka everyone's favorite Slut Pig. Apparently, Eddie Cibrian's been after her parenting skills and that's why she went psycho when Kyle did the same. Also, she is sad and lonely and has no self esteem, which Taylor can relate to. This makes Kyle see Brandi a little differently, but she still called Kim a meth addict, so they are not about to be BFFs.Speaking of BFFs, Lisa has some psychotically rich buddies. There is some creepy guy with awful long hair and a jail bait gold digger of a girlfriend and he wants to throw Lisa's daughter an engagement party! And not just any engagement party, but Arabian Nights with a camel and shit. Fantastic. He has a 60,000 square foot house and it's ridonkulous. Also ridonkulous? Adrienne. She wants to have a spa day, but why go to a spa when you can build one in your home? Obviously. She's bought all the equipment - a hyrdo facial machine, a tanning booth and a "laser machine," whatever that is. There are also manicurists, massage therapists and estheticians on hand. I straight up didn't know what an esthetician was, but apparently they do facials and stuff. Thanks, Google, for helping me understand rich people. There's also a wait staff and creepy Bernie the Angry Chef to serve pastries, frozen yogurt, gourmet cheese and champagne. Of course. I think they're saving the Soapy Chicken for a more special occasion.
The waiters, as Kyle observes, look like Chip 'N Dale dancers. Total beefcake city. It's kind of amazing. The ladies are all given their "spa clothes," which include flower-adorned wedge flip-flops. Kyle gets a facial while wearing full makeup, jewelry and false eyelashes. Um. That's stupid. If you're going to get a skin care treatment with the machine that cost Adrienne $40,000, take off your damn foundation first. Kim arrives super late, duh, and then she and Kyle sneak out back to play on the trampoline. Considering Adrienne has a $40,00 facial machine, it's kind of a lame looking trampoline, just saying. It's dumb and I think we're supposed to watch it and think about how "fun" Kim is, but I'm mostly thinking about how I want a sandwich. If you're curious, I had one. It was ham and cheese and it gave me the strength to go on.
I'll need it too, because Slut Pig Brandi's just arrived. Now here's the thing: why on earth is she doing this? This is the part of the Real Housewives franchise that literally makes no sense to me - why women voluntarily put themselves in horrible situations with people who do not like them so that they can be on television, make money, whatever. Is it really worth it? I mean, exactly how much do these new girls get paid? Most likely not enough. It's one thing when they are actually already friends and acquaintances, but in this case Brandi just met them. And they were horrible. I just don't understand it. The same question plagued me about Cindy Barshop in last season's Real Housewives of New York City - she was clearly unhappy and clearly did not like her cast mates. Why did she continue? Blah. Anyway, stupid Brandi is back for more stupid public ridicule because I guess she needs cash.
She shows up and obviously, everyone ignores her. Adrienne tells them all about this fancy "light therapy" thing and oh, this is the laser machine! It helps your skin, supposedly. With infared light. That can't be good for you. Brandi avoids everyone for a while and Kim tells us all about how much she doesn't care about Brandi by talking about her consistently for five straight minutes. She doesn't like Brandi, see? Or her mouth, which is dirty. Kim and her wrapping paper shirt do not care, nope! It's like, "Feeding into it is like feeding a plant that you love or like feeding...a piranha." Sure thing, Kim! Then Camille eats crackers, because she literally has no plot line this season. Following her exciting cracker adventure, she dons a thong and gets a spray tan as all the women squeal and giggle at her mostly-naked bod. Camille says something about a large penis and Lisa screams, "Bend over!" as they all cackle. Funny enough, Kyle doesn't seem to be offended by any of this.
Adrienne tells Brandi that she should talk to Kyle. Kyle thinks Brandi should apologize to Kim. So does Adrienne! It's pretty crappy, actually. Kim pretends like she doesn't know what crystal methrole. Quit the show, Brandi! Did anyone see Brandi and Dana on Watch What Happens Live this week? It was completely awkward. No one likes you, Brandi. Walk away. But she does not walk away. She actually apologizes in a pretty gracious and fair way, laying the blame on all of them equally. Kyle pretends that Brandi started everything and argues with her, then acts like she doesn't know what crystal meth is. "What is that, crystal metha- methodone? What is that?" OH MY GOD STOP IT. Everyone's heard of crystal meth. Shut the fuck up, Kyle. I've heard of a lot of things I don't actually do. I'd heard of child molesters and rapists and Tea Party candidates and it's not like I associate with any of that! It's not an admission of guilt to say you've heard of a drug! Agh! Anyway, Kyle and everyone else sort of gang up on Brandi and it's annoying, but kudos to Brandi for refusing to apologize to Kim. She was hostile first, despite how everyone else chooses to remember it.
Not that I'm complaining, but where is Dana? I imagine she's run off to purchase all of the spa equipment Adrienne owns, but more expensive versions imported from the Swiss Alps. Perhaps she's buying actual lasers? I don't know. Brandi cries and cries and eventually leaves, because everyone is a total asshole. Including Adrienne. If this is your friend, how about remotely sticking up for her? Lord. So she leaves and all the ladies talk more shit and...we're right back where we started. But with smoother skin!