Adrienne is suffering from a problem I'm sure most people can relate to, when you have to move the sports team you own from Sacramento to Anaheim. It really hurt when I did that, too. Sometimes when I think about it, I still cry. So, the fans in Sacramento are pissed and Adrienne is just "very emotional" and it's so wrought with privileged white people problems, I'm having Eat, Pray, Love flashbacks. At least cheating and divorce are problems that cross all socioeconomic boundaries. This "I have to move my sports team" drama is a little too much to stomach.
Speaking of privileged white people problems, Kyle is trying to get together donations for her upcoming "kids with cancer" benefit, because there's no better a place to gather a bunch of drunk bitches than a fundraiser for dying children. She calls up Lisa, because Lisa is richer than God, She tells Lisa to bring her wallet and all her rich friends, har har har we all have money. Lisa is using some of this money to expand her restaurant Sur to the property next door. There's a business meeting. It's boring. You guys, Lisa Vanderpump is boring when she isn't lording over her fake friends.
Back in the car to Sacramento, Adrienne is still explaining how hard this decision is for her and her rich ass family. I get a little choked up as she describes her pain. I'm a very empathetic person, you know. Anyways, they are warning Kim of the dangers they might face, like a mob of angry Sacramentoans (Sacramentians? Sacramentations?). Kim is slurring and ignoring them as Adrienne talks about how hard change is. Then Kim is like, I hate people and new restaurants and I totally get what you mean. Oh dear, Kim. Stop talking.
Back in crazytown, Taylor is out of the suitcase but she's in the tabloids. After returning from the ski trip from hell an "online tabloid" (I wonder which one it was. TMZ? Radar?) has published a bunch of pretty specific details of Taylor and Russell's personal problems. The tabloid's "source" goes so far as to say that Taylor isn't eating and everyone is worried about her. It's practically verbatim quotes from last week's episode, which really makes me think someone from the show leaked it. Taylor thinks so, too, and is looking right at Lisa. Kyle thinks maybe it's her nanny, but Taylor explains that all her "staff" are under a confidentiality agreement, which Kyle thinks is weird and I think makes sense, except it obviously didn't work so well.
Meanwhile, the Maloofs are Maloofing their way through an angry mob to the stadium and Adrienne keeps talking about "the fans" but I'm pretty sure the city is mostly upset about "the thousands of jobs you are cutting" you moron. They're up in their sky box and Adrienne looks sad. Kim is slobbering on and on about some girl who was riding a horse and her nipple slipped out and Paul is basically like, can you shut the fuck up so I can watch the basketball game? Adrienne is not happy. She wants to be "with the fans" and "support them" and all kinds of garbage. They go down to the floor. Everyone is all, "Have a heart, Maloof!" which makes me giggle. No one dies, but Paul does get smacked in the ear with a cowbell, so I guess all this fuss was worth it.
Camille buys a wetsuit and a paddle board for her annual trip to Hawaii with the kids. We are reminded that Kelsey betrayed her and is not going to be there because she is alone and abandoned but she is strong and has moved on. It's about as interesting as Lisa's expansion of Sur, meaning not at all. She is off on vacation and won't make it to Kyle's fundraiser. The nerve!
Also absent at Kyle's fundraiser? Kim, who told her sister she's "too tired from Sacramento" to attend, which I guess means "hungover" or simply "I'm not interested in supporting you because you called me an alcoholic who killed our mother on national television." Or both. Kyle is running around, getting ready, trying to throw everything together. I love that she has a Chanel tissue box in her walk-in closet. It's kind of cute how nervous she is. Everyone says Lisa is the only one with brains in the Beverly Hills cast, but Kyle seems most down to Earth sometimes. People start to arrive and Lisa immediately points out that this isn't up to her standards as a charity event. Oh, Lisa. You snot.
Taylor shows up in a dress that shows off way too much of her emaciated body. Lisa points out how thin she is, harping at her to eat. Instead of eating something, Taylor takes this as proof of Lisa being the source of the tabloid article. Lisa, on the other hand, is pretty sensible. She admits flat out that they've never been close and she's never been the biggest Taylor fan, but she also cannot sit by and watch someone suffer and hurt themselves. She offers her home and any support Taylor might need. While this is kind (and probably something Taylor should have taken her up on) I understand Taylor's offense. If someone who I knew didn't like me was butting into my personal problems and offering "support" I'd probably want them to back the fuck off, too.
Luckily, Hollywood publicist Elliot Mintz is ready to track down the nasty rumor monger who leaked Taylor's personal details to the press. His advice? "Go to the head of the rattlesnake instead of the tail." The camera immediately goes to Lisa, just in case we didn't get it. Hey guys, it Lisa! Lisa is the head! Then he says to "ask them" and "listen to their tone." Wow, this is some sleuthing. Elliot Mintz, on the case! He makes a deep throat reference and then says "I did not have sexual relations with that woman," and Taylor literally has no idea what he is talking about because she cannot name one President of the United States, let alone their scandals. (Side note: in light of recent events, such as Taylor selling photos of herself bruised and battered to Entertainment Tonight and going on Dr. Phil to spill it all, it's been suggested that she leaked this story herself. I think her recent moves are a desperate attempt for money and not fame, but it's an interesting suggestion.)
Three quarters into this boring ass episode and some semblance of drama finally occurs. In walks Adrienne and behind her is a hobbling Brandi Glanville, also known as the woman Eddie Cibrian cheated on and left for Leann Rimes. Brandi is on crutches (I think she says she fell wearing high heels), but wearing one hell of a tiny black dress to make up for it. Adrienne explains that she brought Brandi because she's "just recently gone through a divorce" and she wanted to show her a good time. The claws are immediately out. Kyle and Lisa are all, who the fuck is this bitch? Lisa recognizes her from a gossip magazine, but Eddie Cibrian isn't her problem - it's that she's seen her pictured with Cedric, her former houseboy/trainer/eye candy/gold digger. This is not good. Lisa's eyes narrow and fourteen guests immediately turn to stone.
Meanwhile, Kyle has her Mean Girl shirt on and tells everyone that Brandi's husband is an actor who left her for Leann Rimes and that's her "claim to fame". Ouch. Way harsh, Kyle. Paul Maloof is strangely the voice of reason, reminding all us viewers at home that in Beverly Hills, younger and prettier women are often met with hostility. This is true, Paul, but that is a female disease not exclusive to Beverly Hills. Lisa is still on Brandi's case about Cedric and Brandi is all, "She needs to get over it. What is she, sixty? Move on." Ooh, I like Brandi. No one else does, though. All the ladies are in the corner talking shit and making fun of her for wearing heels when she has a broken leg - and that she broke her leg falling in a pair of high heels in the first place. Kyle is all, "What idiot wears stilettos with a cast?" and Taylor (who can only be astute about shoes) points out it's wedge. Whatever. The point? I don't think Brandi is going to fit in. Not one bit. I'm looking forward to it. More catty bitches, less sobbing in suitcases, please and thank you.
