Top Chef Just Desserts: Product Placement Is Pretty In Pink

I'm gonna be honest: after this week's premiere of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, I had my reservations about watching this week's Top Chef Just Desserts, since the special guests are the BH Housewives themselves. I'm still in vomit-mode about the whole thing, and then Gail Simmons opens up the show with another effing pun. The last challenge? Well, it was not a piece of cake. Har! Har har! Oh god.  I'm going to drop this, I promise, but I just want to point out that the opening had four additional baking puns. This is not a good sign. But I soldier on, brave and heroic, not unlike Gwyneth Paltrow.

Aaand the Quickfire Challenge is a marketing maneuver in disguise. Well, I suppose it's nice that we made it until episode three? Remember the Dr. Pepper challenge on Top Chef? Ugh. Well, this week is even stupider than that, because it's gum. Yes, chewing gum.  Guest judge Hugh Acheson tells us it's going to be a "sticky situation" and then I smash my DVR with a hammer. No, no I don't. Sigh. This is a big advertisement for Extra Dessert Delights Gum (Try some at your local grocer today!). For those of you who missed this episode, or the 500 Extra Dessert Delights Gum commercials that aired during this episode, this gum is designed to "satisfy a sweet tooth" with flavors like Mint Chocolate Chip, Strawberry Shortcake and Key Lime Pie (Only five calories a stick! Try some today!)  But they aren't making actual gum; they are making a veeeery tiny dessert. They need to pack a lot of flavor into a teeny tiny little bite, because the winner will not only get immunity, but their dessert may be developed into a new flavor of Extra Dessert Delights Gum (It's sugar free! And so tasty!) and, oh yeah, $25,000 from Extra Gum. Well, okay, I'll admit that is pretty cool.

Everyone starts cooking a lot of stuff that sounds way better than a stupid low-calorie stick of gum. And can I just say, the concept of "dessert gum" makes me sad...like, for people. Are we that fat? It's so depressing.  Also depressing is how Very Gay Craig is making amaretto and strawberry mascarpone pancakes (which sound interesting) but keeps pronouncing "mascarpone" like "mass-kar-pone".  I'm Italian and this offends me to my core. But hey, fine, okay. I'm over it. Gail and Hugh like it a lot! It actually looks delicious, despite the fact that Craig doesn't know how to say the names of things. Maybe he can learn with his $25,000!  Gail says some crazy shit about wishing her Barbies were there, because you know she still sits at home and has like, crazy elaborate tea parties where she wears little hats and pins a flower to her lapel. Everyone comes: Barbie, Ken, Skipper, Jem and the Holograms, Mr. Beary, Captain Snuggles, Lady Fluffsalot, the whole gang. She makes them petit fours and oh, do they have a grand time!

Um, right. So, keep an eye out for that masskarpone gum in your local grocer soon! Only five calories! No sugar added! Extra Dessert Delights Gum: now just a little gayer.

As winner, Craig gets to be a team leader and choose a leader for the opposing team. I guess this means we are just getting team challenges on Top Chef Just Desserts all season? Really? That blows. Anyway, he chooses Amanda, completely without strategy. As he says, no thoughts cross his mind. I find that easy to believe.  Teams are chosen, and Mean Bitch Melissa is last to be chosen again. She is baffled! She is good at what she does and does not understand why this keeps happening to her! Well, Melissa, it's 'cause you're an effing bitch.   Their challenge, as I've said, involves the cast of Beverly Hills Housewives - with bonus Ken! Ken, I'm still mad at you for acting like a dick, but whatever. Odds of Giggy eating off the table? One hundred million bazillion percent?! Correct!!

It is the second anniversary of Ken's restaurant, Villa Blanca, and he wants each team to pitch a dessert table for a special party for his wife Lisa Vanderpump. Ken arrives (no one cares) with Giggy (everyone flips) and Ken explains that Lisa loves pink. He wants to "turn Villa Blanca into Villa Rosa for one night." Things she loves: pink roses and Giggy.  So helpful, Ken is. Maybe he'd be better at understanding his wife if they went to therapy. Ohhh yeah, I went there.  The teams start to plan, and while Craig lacks experience in leading, his group seems to be doing alright. Team Amanda not so much. They are all talking over each other, disagreeing and generally not making any progress. Mean Old Melissa looks like she wants to kill herself. As she says, "I am so over it. I am dead inside from this team shit." Preach, sister.

They have six hours to do everything, including decor. On Craig's team, he works on his lemon cocktail while Sally makes macaroons and Orlando works on this really fucking cool looking sugar...thing. He's using a glass blowing technique with sugar to create a chandelier and, damn, if this works it's going to be very cool.  Over on Team Amanda, they still don't know exactly what their plan is. Chris is working on a bamboo chandelier, which is weird. Katzie is much smarter, preparing a dog-friendly dessert for Giggy to munch on while the adults eat. Melissa The Meanie is really struggling. She's had to make her brownies three times (seriously, I can make brownies in 20 minutes, WTF) and she has to remake something else the following day. People are concerned, including Melissa. Even worse, Amanda wakes up the next day feeling congested and ill. Uh ohs!

But no frowns because OMG you guys, it's the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills! Let's all pretend that the one over there's husband didn't just hang himself, okay? Because that will totally ruin this fun, pink, sweet party. Happy faces, people! Pink party dresses! Toy dogs! Etc. I know they couldn't cancel this episode, because they need to show someone being eliminated, but man. Bravo is shoving these ladies down our throats at the worst time possible. But back to the desserts: Orlando's centerpiece looks fucking cool, if not a little phallic. There are lots of roses everywhere and lots of pink. Kyle Richards, Taylor Armstrong, judges Hubert and Hugh, my future husband Johnny Iuzzini, Gail, Lisa, Ken, their daughter Pandora and Lisa's business partner all come in. Oh, and Giggy, obvi. Everything looks quite lovely on both tables and they ooh and ahh, especially at the cakes delicately made in the shape of Giggy's face. Okay, who did that? Loser.

Back in the kitchen? It's mayhem. Melissa's cremeux will not canelle (I have literally no idea what that means and had to look it up) and shit is melting and people are screaming, "Just pipe it! Make it a sauce! For the love of God, man! We need to get outta here, this place is gonna blow!" Amanda's team presents first.  The Housweives crack a lot of jokes about how this is going to be a high calorie day, like they're all not going to throw it up ten minutes from now. Despite the mishap, Melissa's dessert (it's a sauce or a gelee or some crap now) is well received. Basically, the group's dishes are pleasing to everyone.  And Lisa is very excited at the dog treats made for Giggy, who eats it off the table because Ken and Lisa are disgusting.  CALLED IT. Aren't the British supposed to be snooty and well mannered?

In a surprising turn of events, Craig's team completely bombs. His cocktail is way too sour and also, it totally ruins Kyle's lipgloss which is not okay. Nelson makes this weird passionfruit cheesecake lollipop topped with cotton candy that everyone seems to think is crap and Sally's sorbet is melting.  Despite the fact that Lisa's favorite dish of the night is Rebecca's crumble, Craig's team loses. Very Gay Craig looks Very Devastated.  Lisa announces that "Chris's Team" wins, which is hilarious since Amanda was team leader, but she'd let him do the talking since she was congested.  But anyway, they pulled it together nicely and the win is well deserved.

Then the judges rip Craig and his team apart. Craig didn't do anything but make lemonade and he didn't lead well. Hugh says he would have fired him for not doing enough. Orlando's centerpiece was amazing, but then he covered it and everything around it with a million rose petals. The result was tacky and "something out of Hoarders." Ouch. Sally served a puddle of sorbet. And Nelson's lollipop? No, no, no. Very Gay Craig looks Very Nauseous. It's pretty clear they aren't going to send Orlando home for rose petals, and Craig is safe. So it's between Melty Miss Sally and Nelson-Pop. In the end, they decide that Nelson's lollipop is unforgivable and he's sent packing. But my future husband Johnny Iuzzini warns Craig that it would've been him if he hadn't had immunity.  Nelson leaves, and back in the stew room Orlando reminds everyone that he doesn't give a flying fuck about them and will do whatever it takes to win. Well...okay then. See you next week, asshole.