It’s usually the Housewives themselves who get people talking. The cat fights, the backstabbing, the table flipping and the public snubbing are all par for the course, and fans love to argue about which Housewife is the most appalling. Last night’s
Real Housewives of New Jersey brought forth an interesting question, though: who has the worst kids?
The children of this season are getting an awful lot of airtime – and maybe it’s because this season as been pretty tame and a little boring. It seems like the Gorga kids are mostly just young and adorable, and the Manzo clan is perfect – do not try and tell me otherwise. We will have to fight (Albie, call me!). But anyway, the real standouts this season are Teresa’s clan of horrible monsters and Jacqueline’s daughter Ashley, a.k.a. The Worst Excuse for a Person I’ve Ever Seen. I don’t even understand how no one has just full-on slapped her yet. Can someone please do that? Like, yesterday? Hard, across her face. Is that harsh? It seems harsh. Maybe I should have bought her a car instead. That’s sure to teach her responsibility as well, right? Definitely not a slap. That was mean. Sorry.
I mean, it makes total sense to buy her a car when her last car was taken away for doing absolutely nothing she was supposed to do ever. I was rewarded similarly as a child. One time I didn’t take out the trash because I was snorting meth and I got a Porche. True story. But one day, it won’t matter, because even though no one in her family likes her, respects her or can depend on her, one day she will be a famous artist who makes stuff and people will buy it. But it won’t be stuff that like, people want her to make. No, Lauren Manzo and her “commissioned art” concept can suck it. Ashley and her knit cap don't play that.
And oh, then we have Teresa’s kids. Oh, oh my. Never in my life have I wanted to get my tubes tied more than watching her kids in action. Those screaming, screeching, hair-pulling divas who are dressed like little mini-harlots. They make so many demands on Teresa that I start to feel sorry for her. Then obviously, I remember that she is responsible for this mess in the first place, so never mind. Haha! Karma! Oops! I don’t know about you, but I don’t think it should take quite so much effort to get a four-year-old dressed. When I was four, I would look at my bed to where my mother had laid out my clothes and lo, that is what I wore. Crazy, I know. Maybe it just takes so much time because she has to hussy them up with full make-up. Who knows? I will say, though, that Milania growling at her father, “Gimme some pizza, you old troll,” might be the best thing to hit this franchise since “prostitution whore.” Like mother, like daughter I suppose.
So, who has it worse? Is Jacqueline’s lazy, self-entitled whiner of a daughter better than four miniature Giudice women? Are we doomed, fifteen years from now, to watch crazy Aunt Ashley in her stupid knit hats complain about how no one wants to buy sketches of her cell phone wallpaper? Will we be stuck watching the feuds of Gia, Gabriella, Milania, Audriana, Bologna, Italiana and Bratalia? This generation’s Housewives may seem bad, but the future doesn’t look too bright, if you ask me*.
*Except for Albie Manzo. Shine on, you beautiful man.
