Hey guys, Top Chef is back! Oh man, I missed this show. Don't get me wrong - I love Just Desserts and God knows, I prefer to look at Johnny Iuzzini over Tom Colicchio, but man. I missed this show. This season takes place in Texas and I think the show's taking the whole "everything's bigger" thing a little too seriously. First of all, the damn intro to the show is more than a minute long. Padma Lakshmi tells us that Top Chef is a good, well-respected cooking competition like, fifty times. I mean, in its ninth season, do we really need all this fanfare? Whatever. Top Chef is back! Also in the "everything's bigger" category are the contestants. No, they're not fat (okay, some are - but who trusts a skinny chef?) but there are a lot of them. Twenty-nine to be exact. These chefs will compete for the final 16 spots on the show. That seems completely unnecessary and elaborate. Oh well.
All 43 zillion chefs arrive at The Alamo to meet Padma, talk about how hot she is, and wonder why there are so many damn people around them. We meet Chris and Richie, who happen to work together in Chicago. Then we meet Stone. Chef Tyler Stone. No, that's really what he says. He's 22 years old and immediately tells us that people sometimes mistake his confidence for arrogance, so you know he's a) going to make it on the show and, b) going to be a dickhead. Padma explains that they will be divided into groups for one challenge, which will decide their fate. Everyone's freaked. A woman named Molly from South Florida bitches that it's totally "fucked up" and whines about having to do it. Leave it to someone from my hometown to act like a shit.
In the Top Chef kitchen, Chris voiceovers what we can already see, which is pig. Lots of pig. Well, it's Texas, duh. We're getting a lot of Chris talking, so he probably makes it, too. Either than or he fails tragically. Judging this year along with Tom and Padma are Gail Simmons, Hugh Acheson and Emeril Lagasse. Bam! Sorry, couldn't resist. Tom wants to learn a little more about the chefs, which is weird. We get to know Stone-Chef-Tyler-Stone who has cooked for famous people, Heather who runs a Chicago bar named Best New Bar 2011 by Food & Wine, Nyesha who works under Chef Joel Robuchon who is a Big Deal, Molly from Florida who works on Royal Caribbean, Simon who works in a cocktail lounge in Seattle, Richie and Chris who both work for Moto in Chicago, except that Richie actually works as sous chef for Chris (drah-maaaah!), Sarah from an Italian restaurant in Chicago, Grayson who has no job and Colin from Seattle who looks like he belongs on Hipster or Homeless. Phew! Is it just me or is like, everyone from Seattle or Chicago?
Their challenge? Pig! A whole pig has been cut into its primal cuts, which will be divided amongst the chefs. They each must butcher and prepare their cut and then create a dish for the judges. They have one hour to do it. Grayson who has no job (she is the 99%!) picks the tenderloin because it cooks the fastest and she expects smooth sailing. Maybe you're unemployed because you're lazy, Grayson. Stone-Chef-Tyler-Stone wants us to know that he can cut better than anybody, he prepares cuts for celebrities (celebrities!) and he wrote a cookbook in three and a half weeks, putting his just behind Teresa Giudice's Fabulicious in Cookbooks I Will Never Look At. Grayson allows S-C-T-S to butcher her tenderloin for her, because she's still lazy. Also she yells, "my loins!" and it's awkward. Hipster Colin, in a totally unsurprising twist, runs a vegan restaurant. YOU DON'T SAY. He doesn't work with pig! Whatever will he do? I mean, did he expect to go on Top Chef Texas and not deal with meat? Really? Luckily, Chris cuts his ribs for him because he's nice and also better.
Simon is annoyed because Stone-Chef-Tyler-Stone stole his cut and now he's butchering the shit out of it, and not in a good way. Tom Colicchio is all, "Wow, so you're really struggling with this shiz, huh?" and Tyler complains that an hour isn't enough time. I'm just going to say that Tyler has a really creepy face. His eyebrows don't move? And no matter what he's saying, he has this strange, tight smile. I don't know. He's weird looking. Also, I hate him. He has completely decimated this cut and managed to slice Grayson's tenderloin in half, hacking it to almost nothing. She's fucked. Tom and Emeril are baffled. "If you went to a butcher's shop, would you buy this?" Tom asks, and Tyler says no, but he's not a butcher. Tom: "Yeah, but you're a chef and it's a basic skill." Oh snap. Tom lays it out for him: there's no way this hacked up piece of pig will ever get through, so he might as well get the fuck out. Then they kick him out. Seriously. It's awesome. Meanwhile, Grayson is stuffing mushroom in her itty bitty piggy tenderloin as Tom tells her she shouldn't trust anyone.
Colin the vegan hipster notices that there's only a minute left and tries to plate his soup quickly, spilling it everywhere in the process. Emeril and Tom send him packing. Colin is "pretty bummed" about it, but I'm sure he's forgotten about it by now. Short term memory loss and all. You know how it is. For the remaining eight, Padma tells them that majority rules. If two judges like them, they're in. If two don't, they go home. However, there is an "on the bubble" category, which means they will have to fight to the death. No, just cook one more dish. Chris is up first and he made a caramel apple stuffed with braised pork belly and applesauce. I want to eat the shit out of that. Please to be sending it my way immediately, thank you. Sarah made a ravioli, which also sounds great. I'm like Homer Simpson watching this. "Nuuaaaagghhhh," says Shelly, as drool runs down her chin. Both Chris and Sarah make it into the final sixteen. Incidentally, I need to stop watching Top Chef late at night because now I'm hungry.
Grayson and Molly present their dishes. Molly made a soup and also wants us to know that cooking for a cruise ship is still totally cuisine, okay? Tom and Emeril are on the fence about her. To the bubble she goes! Grayson is very nervous about her tiny ass dish and the judges aren't so sure about it, either. They send her to the bubble as well. Nyesha who works with Robuchon made a Tex-Mex ravioli, and she's unanimously in. No surprise there. Heather's baby back ribs and grits also get her through to the competition. Simon's dish is overcooked and he's sent home, while Richie's soup earns him a Top Chef jacket. The winners all make their way to their new house, which is beautiful. Chris and Richie look really happy to see each other, which is cute.
Their challenge is different. Before them is a table full of ingredients - sea urchin, sweetbreads, rabbit, fish, etc. They must all collectively decide on an ingredient and then each make a dish for the judges featuring the chosen ingredient. Keith drawls that he wants to do fish because he's worked with all kinds of fish. Fish gumbo, fish stew, fish fritters, fish and potatoes.... However, they decide on rabbit because it's the most versatile. Also, it's gross. They have an hour and immediately get to work. Janine says she loves rabbit orgies, which is a very strange thing to say. Whitney explains that Hugh Acheson was her mentor from a young age and I don't see how that is even remotely fair, since he's a judge. Culinary Artist Chris wants us to know that he's just like Richard Blais and Michael Voltaggio. I'm so fucking sure you are, Chris. Janine has had a rough year. She lost her father and broke up with "someone" after nine years, which means she's a lesbian. Ty-Lor has a stupid name, but he's traveled the world. Hey, Keith used to be a drug dealer! Good to know. He's not anymore, if you're curious. Bummer for the other contestants. There goes their hook up.
The first to get the boot is Nina, who runs out of time before she can plate her rabbit. Yeah, I guess that'll do it, huh? Whitney and Keith both make it into the top sixteen, but Edward's rabbit is undercooked. However, Tom would like to see him cook again, so off to the bubble with Edward. I'm putting it out there now: I like Keith. He's basically the only one so far from this group I'm interested in. Up next is Dakota, who made roast rabbit crepinettes. Despite her horrible makeup skills, all three judges unanimously want her in. Y'all, Ty-Lor has an umlaut in his name. That makes it even stupider! But he's also in unanimously for his confit rabbit leg. Culinary Artist Chris unfortunately gets through, as does Chuy. Janine, who isn't happy with her dish at all, is sent to the bubble. If you're counting (I know, math is hard) that makes 11 people in the competition so far: Dakota, Chuy, Heather, Keith, Culinary Artist Chris, Other Chris, Whitney, Sarah, Richie, Ty-Lor and Nyesha. Only five spots are left and there's still one full group left to compete. Will anyone in the bubble make it? God only knows. I'll be 40 by the time this shit is over.
