If Gossip Girl Could Be Rewritten: Some Helpful Advice For A Struggling Season

Gossip Girl is basically a fun show, a definite guilty pleasure. But sometimes it gets way off track and you want to shake it like a Polaroid picture. And you say, "What are you doing, show? Stop that! Fix it!" because it's going bananas.  And not in the fun bananas way, where Serena and Georgina Sparks have a weird threesome with a dude who ODs on coke and then Georgina blackmails Serena with a secret video of it. No, the stupidly annoying kind of bananas, where Chuck assumes a new identity and starts dating Fleur Delacour, who is actually a prostitute. What the eff was that, honestly? This season of Gossip Girl has been a bit rocky. The dropping of Vanessa and Jenny and their terrible, terrible hair extensions was a step in the right direction for sure, but the plots this season are starting to spiral downward. Here's my take on last night's episode, and what I would have done differently.

What happened: Louis finds Blair's paternity test and gets upset - not because the baby isn't his, but because Blair was uncertain in the first place.
What should have happened: The baby is actually Chuck's. Louis is grating and this entire plot is getting old. It's fairly obvious that Blair isn't going to marry him and move away, so why carry it on any longer?

What happened: Serena's boss bullies her into getting Dan off the film project for his book so that Aaron Sorkin can do a Zuckerberg hatchet job on his character and win another Oscar and shiz.
What should have happened: Multi-million dollar heiress Serena quits her stupid assistant's job that she doesn't even need and tells her boss to suck it. Chuck can finance the movie and Dan can write it.

What happened: Charlie wins a spot as a bridesmaid in Blair's wedding by winning the Bridesmaid Olympics, which includes tasks like running with champagne and kissing Nate.
What should have happened: Same, but with a hot dog eating contest...to the death.

What happened:  Charlie is told in simple terms that Nate belongs to Boss Lady Cougar, so she should back the fuck off. If she doesn't, she'll out Charlie as Ivy.
What should have happened:  Nate and Charlie doooo ittt anyway.

What happened: Louis pays off a psychiatrist to bring Chuck back to the dark side. Chuck figures it out and reveals their scheme, but remains Good Chuck in the end. 
What should have happened: Anything but that. That shit was lame. I vote for more sex on a piano.

What happened:  Blair wears an ugly, unflattering red dress. It looks like a child's Valentine's Day school project.
What should have happened:  Blair does not wear an ugly, unflattering red dress.

What happened: Diana gets Serena's boss Jane to drop the entire film project because of some unknown mega piece of blackmail. Her real intention is to hire Serena to write a blog for the Spectator and put Gossip Girl out of business.
What should have happened:  Diana gets Serena's boss Jane to drop the entire film project because of some unknown mega piece of blackmail. Her real intention is to give Serena the time off to get her hair fixed.

What happened:  Dan's book drops off the best seller's list as Serena gets a writing job in the aftermath of the film debacle.
What should have happened: Serena should never write. Ever. It was hard enough to believe that she could interpret a Fitzgerald novel. Now she's writing professionally? Shut up, show, you know she isn't even literate.